Paul & Amy’s Wedding: Chapter Three

Saturday morning Scubby and I awoke and rocketed back to the Country
Inn to get ready for the wedding. On the way we stopped for low-carb Hardee’s
(or, in the California parlance, Carl’s Jr.) Burgers.

Hardee’s Provides Quality Food and Jobs To Delafield, Wisconsin

Oh Yeah, I’m Also Wearing A Scubby Shirt, Which Is Why It Looks So Big On Me

We got to the hotel and got ready instantly. We had time to spare before
pictures started so we headed down to the bar. After getting everyone
settled in with a drink, the maid of honor and bridesmaid walked in. The
maid of honor asked Scubby to do some stuff for her which clued us in
to how the night ended for the ladies of the wedding party, and we all
had quite a laugh. While waiting for the guys to get ready Scubby announced
the front desk staff.

"Coming in at a combined weight of over 1500 pounds, from parts
unknown, The FRONT DESSSSSSSSSSSSK STAAAAAAAFFF!"

The guys all headed down to the pavillion and Scubby did more announcing
duties while we waited for the photographer.

"In this corner, at combined age of nearly 543 years, the ushers
Rich and Al!"

"Coming straight to you from the Mandalay Bay Resort Casino, Las
Vegas, Nevada. At a marrying weight of 200 pounds, PAULLLLL ‘The Smashing
Machine’ LAAAAAARRRSSENNNN!"

Paul Responds To Some Good-Natured Ribbing

Paul, Fielding A Phone Call From The Wife-To-Be Minutes Before The Wedding

And so on and so forth. We got the pictures taken and then stashed Paul
away in the back room while the womens came down and did their pictures.
Time ticked closer and closer to the appointed hour of 2 o’clock in the
afternoon. At 1:45pm the Judge who was doing the ceremony wasn’t there yet.
At 1:50pm Paul was starting to get nervous. At 1:55-2:00 Scubby offered
to go in and do his 5 minute comedy routine to keep the audience warmed
up. At 2pm we were all starting to fidget outside. At around 2:15pm a
car pulled into the lot and we all got excited; it was Ewaz and Jen H.
showing up classfully late. Then some other people showed up late. At
2:20pm Paul started to develop a backup plan wherein a priest would marry
them (which would be legal) and then face the wrath of the Catholic Church
about doing a marriage outside of a church. Just as they were talking
about this possibility the Judge came flying up in his car.

It turned out that the Judge had two weddings booked for a 2pm start
time. He had actually thought that Paul’s wedding was at 3pm, which it
was originally scheduled for.

In the end the ceremoney went off very nicely, and in fact may have broken
the land speed record set by my and Erin’s own wedding just last year.
However, Paul and Amy actually lit the Unity Candle.

Afterwards, we did all the requisite pictures and such and then were
let free to run to the open bar up in the hotel. Me and Scubby ran there
and started drinking hard liquor quite promptly. I walked outside where
the guests were sitting and saw a group of people sitting at one of the
tables. I walked up and asked, "Everyone here who has worked or currently
works at the HoJo, raise your hand." Most of the hands went up. By
dinner we were all quite well off in the liquor department.

During dinner Scubby and I befriended Betsy, our server, and were able
to get 4 or 5 pieces of cake afterwards. We left her and our kind bartender
friends nice tips, and this was the first (but not the last) point of
the night where I ran out of money.

Shortly after the speeches, dinner, and cake, we heard the familiar opening strains of
Usher and Lil’ John. “Yeah, yeah, yeah….yeah… yeah”. Scubby and I had asked the DJ
to play it twice that night: once at the beginning and once at the end. He ended up playing it
three times overall, just because he was a swell guy, I assume.

Lots of beers, gimlets, and jager bombs later, I was pretty junko. The following items all
happened, but I have no idea about their order. I’ll just list em out as I remember them.

• At one point, Scubby demanded that Wirkuswhazz and Jessi get married. He said that he would pay
  for the whole thing if they flew to Vegas that night and did the deed. I walked over to my parents
  and said, “Just so you know, I may be going to Vegas tonight. I won’t miss this.” Unfortunately,
  due to the drunkeness of the situation, we didn’t end up going.
• There were six weddings going on simultaneously in the hotel on the night of Paul and Amy’s reception.
  There was one lad in another wedding that happened to look a lot like Ewaz. I dubbed him the Ewaz Clone
  and would take interested parties on mini-safaris to faraway banquet rooms to try and catch a glimpse of him.
  If all was right with the world, the Ewaz Clone would be what Aroz looked like.
• I’m cribbing this one from Wirkuswhazz:
  
  “Around 1:30 in the morning I heard a ‘rukus in the courtyard, looked out the window and saw a bunch of
  people playing with fireworks. Who was with them? Erooozzz! After security gave them a beat down, they
  met us in the bar where Zach’s nipples were disparaged by an old lady. After that, Bellgirl passed out
  and me and Zach ate pizza and watched the Flair DVD until 3:30. In the morning, I farted a buch and
  stunk up the room.”
  

  
  
  Ewaz, Crazying It Up On The Dance Floor

• If you don’t know who Al’s wife Pat is, that’s ok. All you have to know is that when she captures you and
  starts to talk your ear off, you should just run. Don’t worry about offending. Just mumble, “I gotta go
  bathroom” and take off. So, Paul had told the DJ to play Bust A Move and he wanted me to perform. It just
  so happened, however, that at the same time he was requesting and the DJ was putting it on, I became trapped by
  Pat out in the hallway. I ran into the bathroom for shelter, and stayed in there to talk Brewers/wrestling with
  some people (can’t remember who). Paul told his mom to get me out there, so she busted into the men’s bathroom
  like she owned the place and demanded my attendance on the dance floor. I complied, and soon the whole
  wedding was aflame with my bomb-ass Bust A Move rendition.

• As the night wore on my costume fell apart (see below), but as of right after dinner myself and Scubby were
  completely Han Fucking Solo-ing it around the banquet room. We were the Bringers Of Dancing Doom. Luckily,
  a lot of pictures were snapped of the event.

  
  
  Watch Us: The Masters Of The Robot

  
  
  Sexy Solo: Please Report To The Millenium Falcon For Oiling Up

  
  

  I Have No Idea What Me and JenH Are Doing Here

• I thought that my brother had come apart at the seams during our reception, but I completely blew the doors
  off as the night wore on. I started with nice coat, tie, vest, etc. By the end of the night one button was buttoned
  and that was it. As was described in Wirkuswhazz’s story above, I was verbally dressed down by an ugly drunk lady
  due to my sloppy state of affairs.

  
  

  Zach: Apart At The Seams

• Me and Scubby did a nice prison-style photo.

  
  

  Tha Groomsmen

• At one point Ewaz also joined in on the Karaoke Reunion Tour by doing his classic version of Johnny B. Goode.
  My mom (who was behind the camera) must have been excited by what she saw because when I went to download the photos
  of the event there were like 20-25 just of Ewaz dancing around on the floor. Of course, that kind of thing amuses
  me to no end, so here are some choice pics from the Johnny B. Goode Memorial Picture Gallery:

  
  

  The High Kick

  
  
  The Low Walk

  
  
  The High Air Guitar

  
  
  The Low Air Guitar

  
  

  Can’t Forget: The Mid Air Guitar

  
  
  Dramatic Finish?

Overall we had a fantastic time and I can’t thank Paul and Amy enough for asking me to be a part of it. And to show
my appreciation, here’s a special picture you can carry with you wherever you go. I had hoped for a nice picture
of both of you with arms around one another, but the only pic I could find in the whole set that included both
of you at the same time was of you walking off the dance floor in different directions. You can thank my mother
for it.



True Love