So I sit down in front of my Tivo the other day and find not one but four episodes of ALF recorded. Turns out that my roommates saw that they were doing The Top N Episodes of ALF on TV Land and snagged at least four of them. Good luck for me. When Rock Chalk got home from work we sat down to watch one of them. Now is perhaps the right time to inform you that I was neither drunk nor high on anything when watching this show, so all the below analysis and comment is purely based on a sober reasoning of the Art of ALF.
The episode we watched was entitled “Ballad of Gilligan’s Island”. The short summary is that ALF thinks his life in the Tanner household is boring and he wishes he lived on Gilligan’s Island, where every day is full of fun and surprises. He builds a lagoon in the backyard, Willy yells at him and tells him to fill it back in, and when he gets tired shoveling ALF falls asleep and has a dream where he is on Gilligan’s Island. He learns his lesson that Gilligan’s Island isn’t much more exciting than his own life and then wakes up and is glad he lives with Willy and the family.
It’s a rather unexceptional episode, but it showcases some things that a.) I never much noticed when I was a child watching ALF on a regular basis, and b.) absolutely stunned me to see in a network situation comedy.
The most interesting thing about the writing quality of ALF is the fact that sometimes the writers used words that I don’t know. I am a rather humble person but there are two things with which you should not fuck with around me: presume to have a better sense of direction than me or presume to think you have a better vocabulary than me. I am excellent at both, and have laid the vocab smackdown on Wirkuswhazz many times (see the “fiat” bet from Amy and Paul’s Wedding story for one example). Amazingly, ALH whipped out 1 word I just plain had never heard, plus 2 that I struggled with to explain to Rock Chalk. The amazing thing about the usage of these words is that they weren’t played for laughs (as in, “I’m going to say this word and everyone will laugh at ALF’s response to such a big, tough-sounding word.”) ALF and Willy just use big, complex words and then move on without comment. Example 1: Willy and ALF are having a conversation and ALF makes a comment about Willy having an erudite observation.
From the indispensible Dictionary.com:
erudite
\Er”u*dite\ (?; 135), a. [L. eruditus, p. p. of erudire to free from rudeness, to polish, instruct; e out + rudis rude: cf. F. ['e]rudit. See Rude.] Characterized by extensive reading or knowledge; well instructed; learned. “A most erudite prince.” –Sir T. More. “Erudite . . . theology.” –I. Taylor. — Er\”u*dite`ly, adv. — Er\”u*dite`ness, n.
Holy fuck, ALF, where’d you pull that from?
Later on, after ALF’s new backyard lagoon is fallen into by Willy and he is ordered to fill it in, Willy’s daughter brings ALF a glass of lemonade. His response is our Example number 2: “Thanks, the water here [in the lagoon] was getting a bit brackish.”
Now, I know what brackish water is because when I went to visit Wirkuswhazz in Louisiana and I got a temporary fishing license I had to state whether it was for freshwater, saltwater, or brackish water. But on a whole, what percentage of America knows what brackish means?
Finally, the knockout punch of the episode is a one-two combination from the Professor of Gilligan’s Island fame. Gilligan complains that with all the Professor’s ability and intelligence, he was never able to build them a boat. Professor responds that if not for Skipper’s “hepatudinal little buddy” they would have escaped a long time ago. That word stomped on my vocabulary’s nuts. I still can’t find it in the dictionary. And lest you think the word is made up, I think it isn’t because when ALF said “hepatudinal?” the Professor responded, “Yes, addlepated.” Now, addlepated IS a word that I know.
Again, from Dictionary.com:
addlepated
adj.
1. Befuddled; confused.
2. Eccentric; peculiar: � [Her] estates… are odes to addlepated excess, a melange of priceless antiques and thrift-store horrors� (Michelle Green).
3. Senseless; mad: �led the addlepated charge of the Light Brigade at Balaclava� (Thomas Flanagan).
As Anthony pointed out to me at lunch today, there are many shows that sneak in big, complex-sounding words to up the “nerdy” factor or the admiration among insiders. Consider Futurama, with its quantum mechanics inside jokes or the many binary references in the background. But while it and many others like it take a science path to the intellectual vocabulary high road, ALF is one of the first (if not THE first show) that has more of a high literary vocabulary. This fact, coupled with the highly realistic conversations between “friends” on the show and the interesting use of strange scenes with seeming spirals of meta-ness all make me want to declare ALF High Art.
To anyone who laughs this off immediately, I encourage you to see some episodes with an open mind with regard to the topic, and report back with your opinions.
–whazz on
first first first
woo hoooo!
take that, alf!
what was the movie called that was about the creator of alf? Was it permanant midnight? Something like that. Anyway, I thought it was good.
Cal, do you care to shit all over that opinion? It was about movies.
HA
Paul Fusco is one of our national treasures. I think I will build a pyramid for him when he passes. Also, the website Red State (http://www.redstate.org) is a new right-wing blog. I started posting on there today. Republicans can be crazy when they get all fundy on you.
You can even buy the ALF DVD.
There’s an ALF DVD? Jesus Christ at a wetbar, where can I get that?
Ooops, I also just thought I’d add that today is me and Rock Chalk’s First Anniversary. Numbero Uno is Paper, so when she gets back from Chicago (she’s there for training from Sunday-Wednesday this week) she’ll find 100,000 origami cranes in her closet. I’M THE BEST HUSBAND EVER!
*singing* It’s our anniversary. Our anniversary.
HAPPY ONE YEAR.
Moneypenny,
The dude who wrote most of Alf was a legit writer slummin to feed his heroin habit. There’s a book about it called Permanent Midnight : A Memoir and movie by the same name staring monkey boy Ben Stiller. I remeber the movie being ok. For some reason they couldn’t use ALF in the movie so they use some stand in muppet called Mr. Snorkels or something.
Anyway, it makes sense that some of his talent shined through. Pretty nice you picked it up.
1. Bellgirl is now a cerified scuba diver. She completed her serification dive in some dank pond today. I went too. I saw a nice trout and a bluegill bit jessie on the finger.
2. Happy aniversary. I think it would be nice if you two did the Ja Rule/random ho duet, “what would I be with out you” or whatever the hell it’s called. The “I’m outta control, ho” part still cracks me up.
whazz on
serification? look that one up…
1. OK, that makes a lot more sense, wirkus. I could only hope that if Hemingway were alive today he’d be writing episodes of Transformers: Armada.
2. Congrats on your certs, bellgirl. Now you can go treasure hunting of the exciting and mystery-filled shores of Lake Michgan. Look out for raw sewage! Oh no!
3. Two shows I really want Tivo to bring me, but it won’t: Double Dare and Mr. Belvedere.
4. Cal: Let’s try to get a tee time at Harding or Presidio. Your job since you live there.
I’m having my first go at poker since the big two days that funded our scuba, pittsburgh trip, six months of car insurance and some change. So far, blah. 4th in a 30 single table. Flopped trip 9s went allin. Lord Sid called w pocket Kings and hit one on the river. Oh well. US Daily starts in a bit, I guess I’ll have a go at it.
zach,
Both Faulkner and Fitzgerald spent their last days writing really bad movies for hollywood. Hemingway instead shotgunned his head off.
That dude would be thrilled if he knew his work were recieving such rave reviews for his ALF work…
[The last page of Cal's biography]
…and so he spent the rest of his days writing film reviews and swearing profusely.
Good luck on the poker scene wirkuswhazz. I guess Madd has been going gangbusters at 6-12 lately. He said he won $1400 the other day.
to the poll area… but sadly, it’s as bleak as the color variety of this website.
Poll comments are working now.
Cal, you out there? See any good movies lately?
I just reread the “If you have a coupon for $1 is it dumb to use it” poll along with the comments and that was one funny day in the life of whazzmaster.com.
whatever you alf lover. asdsdfdasdfafasdfdaasdfsasdfsasddfdasdfasdf effing busy today ! more to come!
Cal, get us a tee time at Harding or Presidio. DOOOOOOOOOO IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!
I can’t do it this weekned – maybe next?
-cal
Weeks of wet weather preceding Lincoln’s second inauguration had caused Pennsylvania Avenue to become a sea of mud and standing water. Thousands of spectators stood in thick mud at the Capitol grounds to hear the President. As he stood on the East Portico to take the executive oath, the completed Capitol dome over the President’s head was a physical reminder of the resolve of his Administration throughout the years of civil war. Chief Justice Salmon Chase administered the oath of office. In little more than a month, the President would be assassinated.
Fellow-Countrymen:
AT this second appearing to take the oath of the Presidential office there is less occasion for an extended address than there was at the first. Then a statement somewhat in detail of a course to be pursued seemed fitting and proper. Now, at the expiration of four years, during which public declarations have been constantly called forth on every point and phase of the great contest which still absorbs the attention and engrosses the energies of the nation, little that is new could be presented. The progress of our arms, upon which all else chiefly depends, is as well known to the public as to myself, and it is, I trust, reasonably satisfactory and encouraging to all. With high hope for the future, no prediction in regard to it is ventured.
On the occasion corresponding to this four years ago all thoughts were anxiously directed to an impending civil war. All dreaded it, all sought to avert it. While the inaugural address was being delivered from this place, devoted altogether to saving the Union without war, urgent agents were in the city seeking to destroy it without war—seeking to dissolve the Union and divide effects by negotiation. Both parties deprecated war, but one of them would make war rather than let the nation survive, and the other would accept war rather than let it perish, and the war came.
One-eighth of the whole population were colored slaves, not distributed generally over the Union, but localized in the southern part of it. These slaves constituted a peculiar and powerful interest. All knew that this interest was somehow the cause of the war. To strengthen, perpetuate, and extend this interest was the object for which the insurgents would rend the Union even by war, while the Government claimed no right to do more than to restrict the territorial enlargement of it. Neither party expected for the war the magnitude or the duration which it has already attained. Neither anticipated that the cause of the conflict might cease with or even before the conflict itself should cease. Each looked for an easier triumph, and a result less fundamental and astounding. Both read the same Bible and pray to the same God, and each invokes His aid against the other. It may seem strange that any men should dare to ask a just God’s assistance in wringing their bread from the sweat of other men’s faces, but let us judge not, that we be not judged. The prayers of both could not be answered. That of neither has been answered fully. The Almighty has His own purposes. “Woe unto the world because of offenses; for it must needs be that offenses come, but woe to that man by whom the offense cometh.” If we shall suppose that American slavery is one of those offenses which, in the providence of God, must needs come, but which, having continued through His appointed time, He now wills to remove, and that He gives to both North and South this terrible war as the woe due to those by whom the offense came, shall we discern therein any departure from those divine attributes which the believers in a living God always ascribe to Him? Fondly do we hope, fervently do we pray, that this mighty scourge of war may speedily pass away. Yet, if God wills that it continue until all the wealth piled by the bondsman’s two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil shall be sunk, and until every drop of blood drawn with the lash shall be paid by another drawn with the sword, as was said three thousand years ago, so still it must be said “the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.”
With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in, to bind up the nation’s wounds, to care for him who shall have borne the battle and for his widow and his orphan, to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations.
what the fuck?
dude it’s lincoln’s greatest speech!
is the default text size so big because the color scheme makes us blind?
yes
Lincoln, Lincoln, I’ve been thinkin’
what on earth have you been drinkin’
is it whiskey, is it wine?
Oh my god, it’s turpentine
Amateur Gay Porn 101: Dirk Yates
Dirk Yates’ formula for his amateur stuff is pretty simple: Lure some randy Marines from the nearby base to come over and jerk off for the camera. Instant gay porn.
The “sets” are atrocious — actual rooms in Dirk’s own house, and the furniture is frilly and leopard printed. The production values are worse — uneven lighting, sound that picks up every mattress creek and plane that flies overhead. The phone rings and sometimes he’ll answer it. Editing? More like Dirk pushes “Stop” and “Rec” on his video camera.
Gay Porn Showdown: Big Cock Society
Sometimes I feel like I’m beseiged by cock — it’s on my monitor, my DVD, occasionally my bed — so much in fact that I’m debating becoming a lesbian. An old copy of Mandate (with a cock comparison of Kris Lord and Rick Donovan) upcoming trailer for post-J.Lo snake sequel Anacondas got me thinking — who’s got the biggest in the business?
How dare you
um
cute.
there jerks… bold cal.
Do you know what I miss… ro’s bad jokes.
oh god.
zach,
just took 11th in a multi. Went all-in w AK got called w AK , his made a flush. That fucking hurts.
I feel like puking
I’m gay
Ive been drinking
cal, you can be gay. I dont care.
blark, i do not play golf well with a slight hangover and 3 hours of sleep.
Today the Old Man got a really good quote: tell HK that I elected him to represent the citizens of this state, not the gays. If he wants to represent the gays, he can move to a different country.
Personally, I love Sen. John Cornyn’s opinion against the blight of gay marriage:
“It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean it is right. . . . Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife.”
Linky: http://www.pandagon.net/mtarchives/002840.html
Why do the repugs always reach for bestiality when they condemn gay marriage? Rick “Man-on-Dog” Santorum does this as well. Does this have anything to do with the right’s notorious projection problems? Such as when they condemned Clinton for affairs and impeached him at the same time as many Republican congressmen were divorcing their wives in order to facilitate their own philandering? hmmm.
Also, if anyone was going to marry a box turtle it would be Madd Scientist. That fucker loves turtles.
FUCKING SWEET: Overdoses’ haiku just randomly appeared. I fucking love that thing; I don’t even care that it’s not a haiku.
WTF happened to the Haiku page? It’s all jacked up now.
Dude. If anyone ever, EVER bashes Wisconsin in favor of Illinois again, I’m just going to say, “Senator Ditka? Are you fucking jokin me?”
The comments in response to the Chicago Tribune’s page for the article are hysterical. My favorite was simply: you couldn’t make this stuff up. It’s like something out of the Onion. Obama vs. Ditka. Christ. It’s like a real life battle of good vs. evil, except to the nth degree.
Holy shit, I hope madd marries a turtle.
That would possibly beat the BWOAT.
I’m reformatting the haiku page. Hopefully it’ll be readble and usable again by the end of the day.
Obama will crush Ditka. Did you hear that he (Obama) will be giving the keynote speech at the Dem Convention, Jen?
Yes; I love Obama. I’ve been following this race for a little while…one of my poli sci geek quirks that I try to unsuccessfully hide.
He would be only the third black person to serve in the Senate this century. Oh, Abraham, Martin and John, we have such a long way to go.
Hellllllllllooooooooooo? Is anyone there? It feels empty in here. I can hear someone whittling in the next room. They’re whittling and whistling while they whittle. In the corner someone is murmuring about going blind. A TV blares from an open doorway further down the hall; it seems to be the movie Big Fish. I can hear Cal’s loud, punchy guffaws. Jen has gone home for the evening. I think I’ll put a Bush/Cheney bumper sticker on her desk chair so she’ll sit on it in the morning. Then her ass will announce to all that she is for the Republicans. Time for a meeting, everyone (no one), I hope you all have a good time on whazzmaster.com while I’m gone.
Hellllllllllooooooooooo? Is anyone there? …
…while I’m gone.