Here’s a screen capture of the help desk ticket I just submitted to corporate. It is in no way fake. I am really covered in ants right now.
– real recognize real/on the microphone with wheels of mechanized steel
ANTS!
Monday, February 13th, 2006
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Not a good way to start the day…
Two quick questions: why is a grandma feeling on the good doctor’s titties and what is the gender of the black midget in the white dress?
Also, back to an old subject, who was the fake madd? Katiek, what do you know about this?
Also, I got a job interview today that I found out about last night at 2:30am via e-mail…ooops! It’s a tutoring gig and it pays 20 bones an hour and it’s only 5 hours a week. Purrfect! I guess my goal is to get some sort of teaching job, a bellman job and play cards. Doing any one of these things full time would make me batty, but when combined, they make a fine life. For the interview I have to give a five min lecture on a non-academic topic of my choice. I think, in honor of Monday and Lawman, I’ll do how to make red beans and rice. I best get cracking.
Answers:
1. No idear whatsoever.
2. Best guess: woman, because her pants were so damn tight that I only assume I would have noticed a donger if one were present.
For Mister Madd
My digs:
2420 Fenton Parkway #312
San Diego, CA 92108
Zach, pour a trail of honey to the person’s desk next to yours.
Stiffly, you going to go to Wrestlemania?
my guess is that fake madd is real madd who is ever-so-slightly embarrased about how frequently he posts, so has come up with a zany alter ego that he can feel good about.
what was the urgency of your request? high, medium or low?
i’m going to go take a nap now.
Yo, zach we got the first “love” in a loooooong time.
Oh fuck. Red beans takes way more than 5 min to teach. I’m moving to roshambo.
teach perfect strategy for connect 4. btw ktk, this is indeed me… name changed only because i thought this was clever, the “fake mad” we are talking about was the imposter that mentioned the men’s warehouse 4 times in one sentance. all of this was pretty obvious, so i’m guessing you are trying to steer us in circles to mask the truth. nice try. nice try indeed… but you are fucking with THE BEST.
i like your tone in the help desk… “it is inconvienent to show up at meetings covered in ants” smart ass… i love it. ants are small colonized creatures that have no place on human skin. when ants crawl on my food it becomes less appealing to me. when thousands of ants are on your face, pretty girls won’t smile at you.
mc madd cognizant: when dealing with an automated help desk ticket system, it’s best to explain plainly how you are inconvenienced. Intuit is a Fortune 100 company; I presume they would be alarmed that one of their employees was covered in ANTS. It might make their Great Place To Work score lower, so I hope they hustle over with ant traps and Raid.
ktk: I didn’t realize until after I submitted that I didn’t check the Urgency box. It would have had to be Low, however. You are told only to check High if something is in the process of exploding, on fire, or covered in BEES (not ANTS).
wirkus, when i got hired at the writing center my winning tutorial was “how to write a letter and correctly address an envelope.” snore. i have sat in on lots of tutor’s interviews since. so far my favorites were a) tai chi during which we (as the hiring panel) had to mimic the moves b) how to slice tomatoes without bruising or smooshing them and c) sign language. good luck with your cookin’ show!
So far I’ve had two people come into my office and fairly recoil in horror at my ANTS Show. Can I raise the Urgency level on my help desk request if it’s affecting my social life at work?
An Ecolab man was just in my cube spraying anti-ant juice everywhere. With luck, I’ll soon be surrounded by ANT CORPSES!
4 hour response time… acceptible? i had to implement all the corporate rules to the perfect help desk system i built for sst… after they were done with it, it was near useless. changing urgency level was one of the key areas of stupid rules… so to answer your question, NO. NO YOU CAN NOT CHANGE YOUR PRIORITY… unless the ants are wearing hats. hat wearing ants are not to be disturbed. ticket closed.
the help desk worker that reads the summary “ANTS!” and needs extra information before they take action is completely useless. now i remember why i hate corporations.
eeeeek, sorry about the ants zach. i think you should have checked urgent, any sort of insect crawling all over your work space is deemed urgent in my book. maybe you should’ve borrowed the neighbors big yoga ball and smashed them with it. hopefully it’s taken care of and you don’t get sick from the fumes.
KTK- gestational diabetes, no fun, sorry to hear about that as well. AT least they caught on to it and now you can take care of it. How did they find out were you feeling extra shitty or did they find out on a checkup? Were they doing regular glucose checks, fasting glucose checks?? I hope all is well, if you want i will ship you the biggest container of shasta once the baby is born and all is well and good.
Rumsey- sorry i didn’t get to talk to you last night, i was slaving away. WOW is all I can say about the wedding video. I am extremely happy with it. I love that there are multiple ways in which one can expereince the wedding. Highlight version, real one, and commentary one. It’s brilliant. Thank you Thank you Thank you a million times. Is it possible to get one for my parents? Or can I just copy it? My technology skills are at best average so I could possibly figure it out, but I don’t want to wreck it either. Just let me know, I can pay you for anohter copy or you can instuct me how, thank you again I am delighted to have such a wonderful DVD of the wedding.
I think that is all. I have today off and took full advantage and laid by the pool in the 70-80 degree weather, apparently we are having better weather than normal. Whatever it is I am not complaining, I even got a little sun burnt. Don’t tell my husband though cause he made me bring sun screen with me. Apparently he doen’t want me looking like that lady from something about mary. I don’t see why not, she is a hottie. ok off to walk Paker…….
Maybe on your parents’ version rumsey should edit out the part where Mike is looking down your dress while you sit in the holy chairs on stage. I think he makes a comment like, “I can see your boobs.” THANK YOU JESUS!
zach- he says I can see your boob tape, it’s much more g-rated, get your mind out of the gutter, geeeeez
There’s no gutter shallow enough that I can’t wallow in. Cheery day, Amscray!
i think ali g is a front for al gazeer (sp?)… and arabs think we are laughing WITH them, but really we are laughing AT HIM.
wirkusez, trilobyte can make some wedding DVD’s for the parents. you can order them on whazzmaster for the price of $0. please include mailing addresses. btw, the raw footage option makes me queasy because you can see the parts when i’m literally running with the tripod. not any filmmaker’s proudest moment but without the 3-cam ESPN style wedding shoot, hard to avoid. so for those of you with this new blockbuster at home, please avoid the raw footage DVD button!
i call this haiku “4 tablin’” /
… /
up a buy-in up /
a buy-in up a buy-in /
down 50 dollars.
Rumsey-
$0 that is an excellent price, thank you again! You and Aaron definitely need to take a trip here so we can treat you right for doing all of this for us, we owe you big time.
My parents: Andrew and Mary Gitter
222 Emily Way
Hortonville, WI 54944
Mike’s Dad and Judy: John Wirkus and Judy Graczyk
111 West Street
Johnson Creek, WI 53038
Thanks again, they will be tickled!!!!!
Also, I love, L O V E the raw footage option especially when you are running with the camera, I would not want it any other way.
i’m playing every multi up to and including the oil tonight… anyone want to join? emily way is a cool road name by the way…
I may Oil it, may take the night off to be with my gurl. I’m a little blue that RAW is not on, so I might not be in the right frame of mind for cards. At least the pug won the toy class in the dog show that is on instead.
Also, you know what sucks? Job interviews. Man… you think you can judge me? You motherfuckers…you sick fucks. That’s what goes on in my mizind.
Also, CAL: WHAT IS YOUR DEAL!?!
In other news, we got our first hummingbird at our feeder today. Then we got the 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I’m happy.
so the interview went well? what angle did you shoot?
“before i start today sir, i would just like to vehemently deny everything you think you know about me up until this point. you think you know me? you think you can judge me? well… it starts now. in here… in here this is MY time. and MY time is very valuably sirs and madams, so lets cut to the chase. i am everything you have ever wanted in anything ever. just show me my work space and the closest place to shit. it truly has been a pleasure.”
bah… much dumber than i thought it was when i was typing it. strike 1.
“just show me my work space and the closest place to shit.” is pretty good.
Okay… I don’t know who posted the men’s warehouse thing, but it was A+ funny.
maybe it was timmer? timmer, was that you???
Bellgirl, the G/D thing definately sucks. They found it at a routine 24 week glucose test that they do. The funny thing is that my numbers when I’m not drinking extra sugarey orange drink are normal to low. Brian has explicit instructions to start baking a chocolate cake the moment I go into labor.
I’d like to know what the status is on your ants.
We haven’t had a hummingbird here in about 5-6 months. Do you call them hummers?
happy valentines day!!
here i go, here i go, here i go again girls what’s my weakness? MEN! ok then.
happy valentine’s day everyone
here you go, here you go, here you go whazzmaster rants… zach what’s your weakness? ANTS!
looking for research help from a former Milwaukee RN….jessi, do you know anything about doyne hosptial? is it the former milwaukee county general? i am trying to track down a photo for the planned parenthood movie and no one seems to know if these two hosptials are the same. thanx.
who deal? my deal? chllin… chillin… mindin my business… i swear, i stared, my neice my witness… the brother had it goin on with a somthign something something… here i go, here i go, here i go again -madd- what’s my weakness? men! ok then! i am fine. i feel sick from eating ca ca candy hearts with the words on them. miss you! email me! whazz on! i don’t even read them any more- just eat by the handful- what have i become? NOOOOOOOO! i hate to tell you all you midwesterners but it is really, really, reallyreallyreallyreally beautiful here. honestly. ridiculous. wwhazz you can not think of your job interviews like that. you have to pretend these are people you genuinely like and admire for the fine existence they offer in the world. then later when they offer you a job you can pull the rug out from under their feet and be like haha no way suckers! in your dreams would i work with you losers! but until that point they are your ideal human beings! good luck hommie! oh salt n’ pepa n’ spinderella where are you today when the world needs your sexual healing?
If looks could kill you would be an uzi/ You’re a shotgun – bang! What’s up with that thang? indeed what’s up with that thang!
cal
wwhaz we get crazy opposite love for that i think. like blue faker love i think
my brother had it going on something kind of wicked, wicked I aint’ shy I asked for his digits, a salt n peppa valentine’s day my favorite, mike will hate it!
Rumsey- right off the top of the bat my thoughts are this: I have never heard of doyne hospital but for some reason I think that Milwaukee general became St. Luke’s but maybe I just dreamt that or made it up, I can do some checking if you want, maybe call around, let me know id you would like me to.
CAL so nice to hear from you on V-DAY!!!!!!!!!! I heart you today on V-Day, eat all of the candy hearts unitl your teeth rot out of your head and you become shakey mcshake shake from all of the sugar.
Also one last thing today my little sister, (Brian Kalish’s date for the wedding), turns 16 years old!! I can hardly believe it. Oh I remember the good old days when I was nine and she was a baby and I would dress her up in my doll clothes and carry her all over the house and drop her on her head, oooops, I only idd that once and I don’t think it left any permanent damage. Happy Birthday Abbbers!
The Wiurkuses are planning on spending valentine’s day with Shamu at sea world, it should be fun, adios.
1. Holy Hell: it’s Abby’s birthday today? V-Day? Dude, Jack Moneypenny’s birthday is also today. My dad and your sister share a birthday: ooooOOOOOOOooooh. Have a good V-Day! Mentok COMMANDS IT!
2. Twelve inches to a yard (damn) and have ya soundin’ like a retard (yeah)
Big ’twan love-her, six-two, wanna hit you
So what you wanna do?
What you wanna do?
Mmmm, I wanna shoop
3. Cal: no dice on a Potrero Hill villa yet, but I’m holding out hope.
4. Gotta run and call daddy, tell him “sorry, no gift, but happy birthday anyways!”
rachel got a fucking fondue set, so we’re making a 3 course fondue meal tonight. afterwards i hope to convince her how fucking stupid it is, and that we should throw it away. hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.
mmmmmmmmmmmm. bowl of cheese…… great. love it. thanks. wait wait, whats this? spiced water? delicious. there’s more? chocolate, you mean like the chocolates i open up and eat? no, nothing like that. we are going to make you work for it… oh, and it will be messy. and don’t bother with your stove either… drive over to the store to get some jelly flames for the proprietary heating source. i swear to christ, whoever sent this to her, even if she told you she wanted it… i mean… come on. fucking think.
kemps brand american pops (aka, the ghetto bomb pot)…. well… i’m back on the wagon.
uh… ghetto bomb pop i mean…. if only kemps sold bomb pot over at cub foods.
I applaud you sir. Keep the bomb pop dream alive.
I just whazzed to say I love you.
Holy shit, she’s back.
To the antmobile! Oh, wait.
Holy shit, he’s back!
fucking lurkers… like COCK roaches… unzip your pants and you’re covered in them. it is inconvienient to show up at meetings covered in cock roaches. here is a reason to berate lurker rach-o… an obscure javelin reference popped up and i mentioned revenge of the nerds… she was all like, HUH, so i asked if she had ever seen the movie… her response “NO! i’m not a nerrrrrrd!” wow. hateful.
you know how with bomb pops you bite the ridges off first, then work the shaft? well american pops freeze process lets you eat one layer of flavor from atop another flavor layer. it’s called evolution, son.
ok, because of ktk’s incessant chatter about the fake mc mc, i now put her at 4% chance. another logical loophole however in my brain? 4% also implies 100%, so now i’m more sure than ever it was her.
what the fuck obscure javelin reference came up? and scientist, if you brought up revenge of the nerds, “you ARE a nerrrrrd!”
“offsides, like how worf ride with starfleet”
nice. i was wondering if you’d catch that worf line.
I never left.
i was flipping the channels and some dude threw a javelin at a cop in a riot… i said “DAAAAAAAAAAAAMN”, rach-o was like, “what?”… then i said dude threw javelin, but “it didn’t have that wormser wobble on it”… “huh?”… “haven’t you ever seen… ” blah blah blah
oh, and in those tourneys, didn’t cash in a single one. i was near chipleader, deep in the game in all of them. then i just started going all in on every table on every hand. i don’t know why i do that. i was 2nd in the omaha with 29 left. 3rd in the oil with 75 left. donk donk donk donk donk. i hate tourneys. wanna play any tonight?
I just wanted to drop by and say hi, and Happy Valentine’s Day….I miss you…have a good night..love ya…
ash
holy shit! she’s back!
10 times already today (maybe 20) i’ve flopped top 2 pair vs an overpair and the turn paired the baby. CUNT!
Whoa, what’s up, ashley. Holy shit! She IS back!