Five years ago I moved out to California with a trailer full of clothes, books, and a computer. The good people at Intuit gave me a signing bonus of $5,000 (before taxes) and I used it to buy a Golden Tee 99 arcade machine off eBay for ~$2000 (including shipping). I had many late nights in San Jose playing Whazz with the Madd Scientist (before he was even known as such). I dominated him so thoroughly and embarassingly that I named myself the Whazzmaster. It’s not like I made him call me that at home, I just fancied myself The Whazzmaster. When it came time to buy a domain name for my new website I naturally used it, because duh, it fucking rules. Fun was had.
Five years passed: I’ve moved it four times (three with Judd’s much-appreciated help) a total of 10 flights of stairs and it is a heavy fucker. I haven’t played it much lately but when Scientist was out here earlier this year we hit a few rounds. Fun times, fun times.
I just sold it for $500 plus a $20 tip for helping the guy bring it down to his van. The dream has died.
*sigh* … say lah vee. Feel free to reminisce about how whazz has affected your lives. I know I will tonight. Break out the whiskey.
The Shrine on our desk.
Can I still call myself whazzmaster? Or do I have to change the name of the website? So many questions.
So some factory workers bought it for their break room? Thats cool. Fucking Tom Z shoulda done that for us. The Concourse had one in the game room, but it was a finger breaker. When we get a little older and a little more settled we’ll have to go in on another one. We’ll have to get some more orange plastic clothes too.
Side note: cal, I’m on page 317. Slow goings…
wwhazz, i have a great picture from work today when i was messing with the new camera. i’ll post it once it’s uploaded to flickr.
Yes, I should add that the last known direction of the whazz machine was towards a break room in a computer chip factory. Four young men seemed excited, as I once did.
that excitement was once reserved for those who had 2k to throw around. we both brought the dream to the mid 3 figure crowd. something to be proud of?
i was present at the birth of the idea of both whazzmaster and madd scientist. like an unlicensed nurse in the hospital of possibilities.
me and judd should have a fro off. post a picture every day and the winner gets a golden hair pick.
4 months good? start nov 1st, pitures every week.
see the progress through 2 months on the initial post of maddpower.com. the half way point. who’s got the better fro going? are either of the lopsided? were either of them able to cut out any grooves?
one of my more humorous lyrics, in regards to judd…
“you only like me cause i got 2 d’s… judd tried to copy me. i seen him before he did so… his name was JU though… just the J and the U…”
tell me that isn’t tight. judd knows whats up. it’s funny because of his self imposed obscurity regarding his heritage. JU sounds like JEW, but it’s just his name minus the 2 d’s. from madd, where he copied them. but the thing is, he is the one that created it, so how could he steal from it?! see? so, he stole them from me… so i guess that leaves me MA, and he gets to be JUDD instead of JU… but now i have to be MA. he fucking emasculated me.
Dude, i’ll contribute to the Golden Pick fund for the Fro Off. That’d be awesome.
just posted the awesome picture i took today. more on flickr; lots of espresso porn.
who got the last hole in one on it?
HOV.
you did.
HOVA! HOVA! HOVA!
that mask looks like a black bears face! scary!
Tight nature shots; spooky coffee.
Why do they let dudes in jail have weights?
Also, can anyone can find me a picture of Bill Clinton with a mustache?
close enough?
ooooooooooh harsh!
i assume they assume that the pain killers their bodies will release after an extreme workout with free weights will subdue them and make them more dosile prisoners. sadly i don’t think enough time was spent on assuming what they would do the next day when the prison was now bigger and stronger and well rested. well… we gotta subdue him again somehow… let him play with the weights… if we don’t he gets angry, and look at him… he’s huge… he’s been lifting all those weights…. i don’t want that dude angry! give him those weights! you know he’s really killing himself, right? oh, yeah… he is… isn’t he?
Interesting finds in the picture hunt.
when the prisonER was now bigger and stronger… ironicly (perhaps?) that is why the prisons are also bigger and stronger. MESSAGE!
They should use that energy for chain gangs.
Hey lawpeople,
How can the US do stuff like arrest internarional drug dealers?
Hey who is the current WWE internarional champ?
the UN arrests international drug dealers. if they don’t leave north korea or isreal nothing much you can do. are you thinking about becoming an internarional drug dealer? is it still lucrative? people can just lift weights…. and coffee is cheap and publicly distributed free of charge… if you got the badge pass, homie. ONLY IF YOU GOT THE BADGE PASS. FLASH IT!
rachel told me they called hulk hogan hollywood hulk because he lived in hollywood, florida. uh… that is wrong, right?
dang it, rach-o!#598^!#%( pseudonomiciles only! rach-o@! rachel? huh?!#% WHO IS THAT?!
why should they use that energy in chain gangs? isn’t the whole point of prison to let that energy build up inside of them?
or is it just to piss them off and make them stronger, because this whole insecticide thing is working great. cal, are you WITH ME?!
http://arcadelocations.classicgaming.gamespy.com/PlaceSearch.php3?code=wimillan
Yes!
Stay in bed cal. Stay. In. Bed.
You once lied to keep the whazz championship, but you did beat those dudes from Cleveland at BW3 in downtown Milwaukee. When the heat was on, cal could hit.
Hey cal, do you remember any of your gang signs?
I’m taking my girl on a date here:
http://arcadelocations.classicgaming.gamespy.com/PlaceSearch.php3?code=casdnic
I’m hoping we can beat Smash TV.
renting smash tv for super nintendo was like the biggest disappointment ever. fucking useless. you need that arcade interface. same theory made that tank game in the back corner of aladins castle niiiiiiiiiice.
Cal, I saw Borat. It was fucking stupid.
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie
I hate that bullshit. I want some website to have the Mexico Daily. I would rule it, maybe.
Beating Double Dragon in the back of the Brat Stop with Dos Moneypennies is a worthwhile experience.
Real tight crowd at the Aussie.
Hey cal, got a good Halloween movie? You being anything? You wearing a costume to whazzmaster’s party? It’s a Halloween party, you know.
go as the madd scientist.
god damn it. dead in the aussie. played 2 hands and both make little sense. oh well. $108 poof.
i got a horse! and i know it’s full of quality oats! stamina too! GO HORSE GO!
Anyone a fan of the cartoon Ghostbusters when you where a kid? Remember the Boogeyman? Dude was pretty scary to a 10 year old. This is what I use youtube for:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xidOtqh2PFU&mode=related&search=
I’m paying off the value bets…
i swear to christ dude just farted out an oat shaped oat fart and rocketed ahead to the front of the middle of the pack. he’s full of fucking oats. at this rate he’ll win by 4 laps. pretty sneaky, sis.
did you get my speakers out of that whazzin machine? no updates has me worried
Boo hoo. AK vs AK vs JJ in a triple threat match.
i re-raised a suspected re-steal with QTs, then flipped tables and didn’t even see what happened. then the tab disappeared.
20 ploiter in 13, corporation green lit
i want to start a poker promotional corporation called “suited connectors”. our logo will be 2 dudes in suites shaking hands. we are serious about business. we wear suits. we bring people together and we make things happen. we connect fate. we are SUITED CONNECTORS… then some synth hits there and a voice over guy and we’re money.
it’s like printing money, homies. who is with me?!
i’d really like a tie in somehow with some trendy suit designers… cross promotion is where it’s all at. double the bang for free. and we keep the wardrobe!
we wear only THE BEST. FUCKING. SUITS. and thats when we start to connect.
NO ONE CONNECTS LIKE US.
WHO ARE THEY?! NO ONE!
WHO ARE WE?! WE’RE FUCKING SUITED CONNECTORS!
i’m looking for a #2 guy. a guy that can surf the peaks of flowing mountains. a guy who understands that the right head wear can MAKE you. 60:40 homie. even stevens.
cal, how do you feel about my meddling?
a) awesome! i’m awesome! you’re awesome!
b) awesome! you’re awesome!
c) irresponsible. my feelings are hurt.
d) irresponsible. i am not awesome.
e) ktk would pick this one.
i pick a, but only because i think you’ll pick e, and that is awesome.
i got fucking 4th 4 fucking times in a row in $30 ploiter SNGs. then that aussie hit. FUCK.
thats +$700 way more often than -$250. fucking pisses me off. then of course break even everything in the rings which only would have made it sweeter. if it hadn’t been pissed in. fucking piss.
I 4-thed my balls off too, but cut the losses with some ring game action. Overall, down that Aussie buy in.
Bedtime…
suited connectors would be another great script rumsey. you really gotta call me when you’re ready to sell out. i could do this all day.
ooooooooooooooooh what if suited connectors was just a sub plot in the debate movie, and a smart guy that was working in poker promotion comes into the “scene” because of the poker aspects to it, but now he’s coming out from behind the ropes and now he’s in the ring! and it’s time to debate!
and his old promotions buddys are pulling all their strings, and that makes the established debaters on the circuit nervous… these new fellas in town…. stirring things up….
i want to see vince vaughn and cal co-starring with a guest appearance by ewaz who will be a debater with a style all his own. he can out not know anyone. sex appeal sex appeal sex appeal. hmmmm. how can we have women who are good at debate but don’t seem fake or non-sexy when they are doing it…. hmmmmmmm…. we’ll just have the xdc cheerleaders and a good slo mo music montage in the middle of the final debate. for street cred we get michael clarke duncan to be a huge fan and go to all the debates. i guarantee after we call him once he will be the one calling back every day. then we can ask him to ask will ferrel if he knows anyone good for leadish role. hire anyone he says. hit him up for investment money after you sign his suggestion. now we are really rolling…. i can already smell that 15 mil. too easy.
i’m telling you rumthumbs, run with me for a week and that camera shelf will QUADRUPLE. 160, swiftly. wreck it buy a new one type shit. you feel me?
michael clarke duncan is the powerdrill of tools.
there’s no worse feeling than 4th-ing your balls off. it hurts deep down more than u know. condolences to you & ur ballz wirksu.
Your speakers are in a box that is being carried to wisconsin.
Landmark is awesome.
PLOIT, in my pants.
One time Cal won the championship from me and asked when he could expect the title belt to be delivered to him. I told him to expect that I’d tie it to a brick and throw it through his front window.
Lots of overnight activity, mornin’s a ghost town. BOO!
you you… you’re confusing me with maz! it was maz who won, it was always maz who won. no i don’t remember any gang signs. i do remember wasting those random milwaukee business men tourist guys. they thought they would have a few relaxing rounds… then they ran into two madison kids who did nothing else. For months at a time. poor guys, toward the end the one guy began to cheer when i missed shots… Shocking, an absolutely horrific lack of etiquette. Ultimately they guy completely lost his mind and tapped out. Into the david beach and bam! slams the table and he’s out. but, you know, he was angry. he had probably played for a year or so and felt like he was pretty good… and then he runs into a couple college students whose lives revolve around the game of video golf but, it’s like, guy, we do this for a living. not really, because we don’t make any money (unless you count the random dollars the great dane one would spit out- like a miracle.) but guy really, it was probably the single thing we did the most and you sell dictionaries and have children and stuff. so dude, don’t get all mad. and then moneypenny got one in his home and took it to the next level. Here’s to the whazz machine. a better video golfing game there never was. (especially that futuristic nonsense… it was fine to pass some time… But i think we all know 1999 was the height of the empire.) 2. you can give up on that dumb book, it was an experiment in reviving 8th grade joys and it failed. stop- you have 800 pages to go. stop. read the other one. tonight i’m going as an average LSAT taker. with a broken pinky. either that or a pirate. 3. moneypenny how do i get there? please direct me.
your friend,
cal
and how did you see borat it not out until november 3. jerk.
double jerk
triple jerk
pumps and a bump. pumps and a bump. we like the girls with the pumps and a bump.
go ladies:
“allll that we waaaaant, is a man who is right, who can hit it all night.”
hammer don’t hurt em.
yeah, where DID you see borat? i thought it looked kinda funny.
Yeah. Funny! You saw nothing! Nothing! Borat!
Will you be my boyfiend?
Moneypenny text me the directions already you jerk!
I did see Borat… the commercial. And it looked stupid as shit.
ha! you know nothing! will you be my boyfriend?
Parker?
borat is propeganda disguised as entertainment in judging how well the performer pulls it off. it is VERY VERY stupid. done PERFECT. it’s a psychological experiment.
that article is retarded. the heavily propegated idea that humans are somehow more than any other species is obviously flawed. at present we have the most tools to educate our young. that is the only difference. an advantage that can not be overcome by the same means because we will hinder the development of the infrastructure with our own. my dog is way way way conscious. his personality is unique and changing and always interesting. his strategies in the fighting games we play are really genius, but i can always find a way to brute force any strategy he comes up with by working faster than he can. mentally i can run at 1000 and his techniques are only at a 17… but when i play with him at level 18 for a while, eventually he becomes an 18. then he can be an 18. sometimes he’ll be 17 though just to mix things up and learn to be a mixture of all of the things he CAN be. dogs obviously learn from environment. don’t believe me? i’ll swap you out with a dark dark brown skinned male comedian and bet $1 on the outcome of your existance. this isn’t journalism, it’s JOKEalism. thanks for the link you fucking nomicile.
keep that bullshit at home cal… “Game-show contestants, for instance, sometimes press a buzzer to answer before they consciously know the answer — knowing unconsciously that they know.”…. wow… this whole article about animals and consciousness and medical research required to prove or disprove all these theories, yet we can just make blanket statements like the one above without having to prove it or trivialize it?
people don’t hit the button before they actually know… most people know most things, and the GAME SHOW, is not real life. it imposes it’s own rules. one of them being first one to buzz in gets first shot and if they are right no one else gets a shot and only they benefit. they don’t hit the button knowing that they know but not knowing yet. they KNOW the rules of the game and know they need to hit that button. then after they do, the answers are trivial. knowing something is as easy as knowing it if you aren’t consumed with fear. this isn’t a scientific journal or even INTELLIGENT. if a human wrote this, i actually think it more of an arguement that humans are the only species on earth that ISNT conscious. political propeganda fucks. lets all just be in a chain gang and use our energy for something useful. bah.
99 had some bugs in the engine that 2k fixed. so i gotta go with 2k… it kept the spirt of course design from 99 good enough, but also relaxed it sometimes and tried some new things, but didn’t make anything worse, but those bug are fixed, so i gotta go with 2k. futuristic is for shit and nomiciles who don’t understand the game. somewhere there is someone writing an article that says you hit the whazz ball not because you know where the ball will go, but you trust that it will get there after you hit it. it’s religious bullshit. FAITH FAITH FAITH. the LESSSSSSSSSSS you KNOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW. confederacy of MORE dunces. cal, trust me. you’re a genius.
against 2 skilled opponents racho set the stage for the most exciting display of competition. lots of room to make BIG mistakes and BIG shots. also lost of places you need precisions and others you just need to fuck it over the ditch 305 yards and leave your girl dick at home. anything you could do with the game, it required you to do to at some point if you wanted to make the smartest move. and you could tell they did it that way on purpose and had a real understanding of what they were working with. on futuristic, all of that is lost. and the putting is for shit… and seriously… a backspin BUTTON!?!#T?! fucking ANIMALS.
rancho that is…. rach-o just sets the stage for floppy brown… hats.
man that west coast party is probably already popping. and you about them, right? the go until 6 in the morning. 6 in the morning. 6 in the morning. ask cal.
the UK secretary has now come out against the US for the whole gambling non-sense and the little side fact that it rape the UK economy of 2 billion in little under an hour. the idea of war is so much more effective than actually following through with it. we should totally base our economy on THAT!
2 billion funds our war another 2 billion bullets. and the UK didn’t even see it coming. all we had to do was say something, then they got totally fucked, and if we wanted to we could come in now and say something else and make everything right again, then we make money on BOTH ends of the transaction! now the UK stands up and cries and the american system shuts them the fuck up. KNOW YOUR ROLE , UK! we OWN you!
the politicians are BEGGING for things to get bloody. why would they do that?
Through my experiments I’ve learned that Parker best likes bulldicks, red toys and greenies over dinger bones and synthetic pig ears.
synthetic pig ears would insult me. fuck if i would eat that either.
i’m operating in the world of known provable deffensively minded offensive tactics. things were i can guarantee a new position. the dog is operating in the world of try to win. he he does something and i counter with 5 moves that i can guarantee to get him in a totally dominated position, then after repeated getting owned, he learns that that first move implies the end result even though i had to go through 5 moves to get there. they have multiple stage implication memory and no reason to do anything than what they currently do. give them that reason, and they will. just like we did. and that reason was allah. haha, just kidding. it was jesus.
PRAISE GAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHD!!!!!!!!!
there still hasn’t been a quincy v. parker pay per view yet has there?! i’m much more excited after he got all this sparring time in with minnie. learning to dirty box with a female 1/5 your size can be humiliating. minnie had some moves. minnie was thus operating in the world of i NEED to win. much different than TRY to win, which of course implies… “you know… unless you might get hurt or something bad enough that it makes winning not worth it….” minnie has no such issue. she is 1/5th the size. and a woman. and she can SENSE quincy is just trying and doesn’t need a thing. so over the 3 weeks eventually she forced a new attitude of you CANT win. and his skills sky-rocketed, and style started to emerge. now man on man coupled with moving up to a real weight class should be interesting. i think he’s ready.
what would be awesome is if they just aknowledged each other then did nothing both waiting for the other to make the first move. that would show much patience. much knowledge. it would probably confuse cal’s article writing friends.
for all us humans know, dogs operate on level 37,000 and have to go down to 17 because thats where things start to get to a point you can grow together from. no one knows. it’s philosophy, and no one will teach the dogs what that means so we can ask them… so we can’t. also, stem cells might make every known issue with living cells completely trivial to remedy or alter with infinate precision. also 8 head giraffes would RULE. it’s the system, man. the system.
sadly, i know i would be an awesome teacher. if only kids weren’t so fucking stupid. haha, just kidding little ones. you’re smarter than you know.
why is it ok to think of a population of humans as a “work force” but it isn’t ok to think of the cells that make a human as capable of doing anything in return for their hosts? fucking limberg. tell me fucking THAT!
i bet that mother fucker gives HIMSELF the sickness after that slap down. HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLARIT!
for as bad as i thought the political ads were getting around here….. they are getting INCREASINGLY WORSE. but so obviously in desperate desperate directions. that sounds like an effective system.
it’s after 10pm… everyone’s probably already had a few…. TIME FOR SHOTS! check THIS out! i’ll show you THE STRIKEOUT! yeah, it’s awesome. dr 4nyay taught me the concept, but i really think i made it my own. yeah… all 3 at once. I KNOW! here here, do this shot quick! AWESOME! you know what i like?! BEEEEEEEEEEEER! LETS GO!
uuuuuuuuugh. ugh. i don’t feel so good. HEY! BITCH! sahoew me youra tits. yeah, wae well FUCK YOU TOO, bitch. ok, i feel better. WERE’S THAT KEG, KEGMEISTER?! HOLLLLLLLLLLLLARIT!
how do u learn to fall off a 20′ ladder?
OH. MY. GOD. best idea ever. jager bombs! POUR IT ON MY NUTS!
once one person has fallen off a 20′ ladder, your question is already answered and within us all.
PASS THE BOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE!
i just got the season 3 box set of planet 90 on blu-ray you mother fuckers! I AM HOV!
1:49am…. party in full gear. i bet there is popping and locking going on.
holy shit, $824 at bevmo goes a good distance.
duh
500 bottles of fournier champagne?
No shit, no shit. $40 at Bevmo goes a long ways.
mother fucking 666 tourney was at 3pm eastern today. who the fuck is up then. bullshit. sorry about that QT bg… it’s my FAVORITE hand.
I played the 666, but had to quit because we had to take Parker trick or treating at Petco. Made a fool out of myself and my dog, but we got a bunch of free shit.
Some bitch glued a frankenstein head to her turtle’s shell and that mofo got a lot of dog food for third in the costume contest. Also, some dude dressed his cat up like a big spider and the thing was hissing its balls off….
My dad got 5th in the 666er though… and I think timmer cashed.
Last night night belly and madd played a drunken 20 sng. Belly got 4th when madd crippled her by pushing Q10 into her AA and then on the next hand she got her money in with AK vs A10 and KJ and lost.
Guess she’s 4thin her balls off too.
And no cal. You already have an internet boyfriend.
Cal, I gave up on the Steven King… The thing that really got me was how bloated it all was. Like say he needs a scene showing that his character’s mom is a real bitch. Dude gives us a scene of her being a bitch to the grocer. Then her being a bitch at work. Then her being a bitch at home. Dude… Doooooooooode. I get the picture. Or say he needs to show us that the nation is falling apart via the media. We get a scene at a radio station. Then a scene at a newspaper. Then a scene on network tv. Then a scene on local tv. Then another newspaper. It really just wore me out.
But I like the start of Crime and Punishment even though it kind of offend my modern sensibilities. I mean, who the fuck wants to read a 9 page imbedded letter inside the novel. Fuck that. Fuck that. But I’ll trudge on.
I shit you not. This is from Crime and Punishment:
A Drunken man who, for some unknown reason, was being taken somewhere in a huge wagon dragged by a heavy draft horse, suddenly shouted at him as he drove past:
“Hey there, Floppy brown hatter!” bawling at the top of his voice and pointing at him.
The young man stopped suddenly and clutched tremulously at his hat. It was a floppy brown hat from Zimmerman’s, but completely worn out, rust with age, all torn and bespattered, brimless and bent on one side in a most unseemly fashion.
Also, Nickle City didn’t have Smash TV.
a lot of idiots don’t understand the first 3 times you tell them. or start developing implications. or at least they don’t acknowledge that they understand. steven wants to make sure they are in HIS state of acknowledgement the first time they read it through. idiots eat that shit up. best sellers list, every time.
put your faith in the lord and stop wasting brain cells on implications.
cal… you HAVE to bring the brown floppy hat back. DO IT!
we are in a world where whazzmaster the person, not the site, has a telephoto lens that connects to his internet enabled desktop computer, enabling us all to view what it views. brown floppy hats are also readily available, and cal is not busy with law school. why hasn’t this picture already shown itself to me? strange world, indeed.
whazzgiving is at the cigarello lofts, right? we’ll see what 824 wisconsin dollars buys. then we’ll dance. around stuffing covered in gravy. the rest is implied.
note, the stuffing was baked to ensure a somewhat crunchy texture. the gravy has of coursed reduced this somewhat, and continues to reduce it, but at present, the texture remains awesome. that is the stuffing we are dancing around. drunk on almost a thousand dollars of booze. HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLARIT!
1 bottle fornier champagne + 1 750ml smirnoff vodka + 4 cans red bull energy drink it gives you wings = 1 really really drunk guy or 1 buzzin guy and one pretty screwed up guy or 2 PARTY MACHINES! that is the fundamental theorem of boozin. your world should always reduce down to that. it’s a 1 electron ionic bond.
estimated cost for the above misture: $20. $10 per machine. if your party had 80 guests, optimal fun was had. i can PROVE it.
remember honda tuners: if you aren’t out of control. you aren’t IN control. be-LEEEDAT! because their tires are engaged in loose friction in a direction not perpendicular to the axel, they OUT OF CONTROL! tires should NEVER allow that. you HEAR THAT GOODYEAR?! HOLLYWOOD HAS SPOKE. MAKE TIRES IMPOSSIBLE TO DRIFT ON. DRIFTING IS OUT OF CONTROL. DRIFTING IS DANGEROUS. WHEN THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL, THEY ARE NOT IN CONTROL. EVEN IF THEY ARE IN CONTROL, THEY ARE OUT OF CONTROL. FIRESTONE, MICHELLIN, these consumers are obviously wreckless. these tires that YOU HAVE BEEN SELLING US are allowing these young motorists to get out of control. why is this level of friction considered acceptible to you?! SANCTIONS SANCTIONS SANCTIONS@#(%*#@^(*@! STOP THIS NOW@!(#%&@^# IT IS DANGEROUS@!#!*(&@^# DRIFTING!#^&!#^ out of control is in control is out of control is in control, IT MUST BE STOPPED!#%)!(*#&^ …. a silence was felt. a yearning for cal. a yearning for A HERO.
i’ll take 2 party machines for $25, bob.
dr 4nyay will fucking RUIN an economic system. that is what he does. a party of 5 4nyay’s would be like 400 beers+. REDiculous.
dr.4nyay-ruining one economic system at a time since 1979.
that year produced a lot of fine fine system destroyers. oh 70′s. look what you produced?
what did you drink last night?
just 2 party machines.
whats in a party machine?
no, it’s 2 party machines… 1 drink.
huh?
show me your tits.
mmmm…tits & party machines.