I found it. I thought I never would; hell I wasn’t even aware it was kept by someone. But oh god it is the find of the century. Presented just as it was written. Enjoy…
Rules
- If you fall down, you buy a round of shots at the next bar.
- you cannot be pushed
- group consensus rules
- one knee on ground (football rules)
- Everyone has a name
- cannot be related to whazz name
- Wirkus = Marcus, Casperson = Cyliss, Zach = Tom Z., Tim = Ruben, Ross = Cletus, Ewaz = Smith
- Max time limit: 1 hour, Min time: 1 drink, exception: if wait is long or no fun possible, move along
- Magic Bar
- Pick a bar win $5
- Marcus = Monday’s
- Tom Z. = PortaBella
- Cletus = Bullfeathers
- Ruben = The Pub
- Smith = Cafe Montemarte
- Cyliss = Red Shed
Bar #1: Regent Street Retreat (Ruben)Enter 2:07
Exit 2:59
Notes: – $1 High Life
- $2 Brats and cheeseburgers
- Phi eagles are fucking us
- Cletus defeat Tom Z. (pool)
- Cyliss = sick
Bar #2: Buck’s (Marcus)Enter 3:03
Exit 4:00
Notes: Buck Hunter II Tournament: Tom Z. over Cyliss, Smith over Marcus, Smith over Tom Z. for the title
- OJO = Great Hunter
- Very nice naked lady pics
- Giants win ($100) + 4 team [TIKI BARBER IS ON THE TAKE!]
- 2:55 bartender cajoled us into shots (Kamikazes)
Bar #3: Big 10 (Tom Z)Enter 4:05
Exit 4:50
Notes: – Hockey game: tie, goes into overtime RUBEN WINS IN OVERTIME!
- Cyliss: can’t breath through nostrils
- Things have taken a turn for the worse for silas
Bar #4: Stillwaters Enter 4:57pm
Exit 5:15
Notes:
- Seated by an Ewaz friend
- It was STRESSED that we will be here only for one drink.
- Mindy chose that next we will go to Vintage Bar & Grill
- Cletus is Jackass
- Fred Game was explained
- Pepper Fake Out Cyliss vs RossCletus
Bar #5: Vintage Bar & Grill
Enter 5:20
Exit:
Notes:
- Initial reaction: Frummy
- Tom Z. = insane
- Tom Z. breaks rules and orders vodka + tonic… with a lime and short black straw
- 6:05 = Tom Z is drunk
- Vintage = Vice City
- Cyliss = cig from mouth
- Pit Game = Tim Champion
- Cyliss win all… uses honor… what a champ!
Bar #6: Plaza
Enter 6:25
- Marcus and Cletus are drunk
- Cyliss and Tom Z. begin moose and bear hunt
- hockey war also continues
- hockey war = Cletus [unintelligible] dept. store 2 wins
- Drunk Stories:
- Picaresque Part 1
- “Shooting Fatigue”
- Rhonda call #2 took place
- Cyliss is the Moose/Bear Hunting Champion: Bar none.
- I’m writing, I’m drunk: Smith
Bar #7: Badgerland Bar & Grill
- Lots of memories shared
- Picture taken in bell pantry
- Smith wins $5 bet
Bar #8: Irish Pub
Enter 8:00pm
Exit:
Notes:
- Viewed picture of Marcus and Kenny
- Cletus left for dead
- MGD-LIGHT-IN-A-CAN!
- “I’m not doing this to hurt you cyliss.” – Marcus – S.S.
Bar #9: The Pub
Supplemental Dan P.
- Cast: Dan P. = Garrett, Dan P. Girlfriend, Melissa = Britney
- Vodka + Red Bull
Bar #10: Orpheum
CHAOS!
- No one wanted to go to Orpheum, we picked again: Best Western Hotel, NO! Then we picked, Tutto Pasta!
Bar #10: Tutto Pasta
Enter 9:35pm
Exit:
- It is a good chance that Smith will puke up yellow mustard stuff tomorrow
- Lynn (Fancy Face) meets us
- We ate dinner
- The drunkards consist of: Tom Z., Smith, Marcus, Cletus, Ruben, FancyFace not drunk yet.
- Women at next table (large breasts) told us to “turn it down”. Tom Z. told them to meet us at King Club.
Bar #11: King Club
Enter 10:50pm
Notes:
- $5 cover
- BADGERS WIN! BADGERS WIN! <- 31-28
- 2 belvy gimlets = $14
Bar #12: Paradise
Enter 11:20pm
- Marcus was nursed back to health by Tom Z. (Anchor Bank)
- PBR ME ASAP!
- FancyFace’s motto: “It’s Redonculous!”
- Wirkus is ready for the wedding speech!
- Jamal’s motto: “It’s very abrasive!”
Bar #13: Madison Maduro
Enter 11:55pm
- Tom Z.’s throat is killing him
- We hate the bartender
- David is ON A DATE! DO NOT BOTHER!
- Tom Z. drinks a Woodchuck Cider
- FancyFace’s special bar is Up North
- Guy said “no shooting” (bartender) (it was weird) (nuff said)
- They need to “as fancyface says” “regrout” their bar.
- Contact Adam Gehrman about regrouting. He knows how to do stuff like that.
- 12:37am: SMITH TAPS OUT!
Bar #14: Essen Haus
- Sean buy more pretzels… mmm… mmm… mustard. Quealy —- Go to school… damn it… that mustard is hot. Wirkus is tearing off pretzels with crazy mustard.
- We are all wasted except Sean
- Harry Potter 2?? from Sean – cin… yes / M.P. Yes
- M.P. Company says go see H.P.2– no says kill myself
Bar #15: Up North
Enter God Only Knows
- “low-rise jeans are only made to show panties, especially g-strings” – fancyface
- Kritin Lomas + Cletus = LUV & WHAZZ
- Tom Z. = James Joyce (w/hat)
- Royce da 5’9″ just got signed to the Brewers… infield.
- Ruben = wasted. Threw cigarette on ground rather than give it to fancyface.
- overall a good night
- Marcus: “this meighborhood is not built for mirth”
I don’t get it
Some of the things: me neither.
big al’s rules:
rule #1 never quit
rule #2 point
just saw a sonic commercial
“everything you love for breakfast…. covered in gravy”
marketing is so on. food is so off… oh well.
what is with the nation wide sonic commercials? i have yet to see a sonic (in person) in my life.
there are like 10 within a mile of my house now. they are pure shit. national advertising is relatively cheap.
i went ONCE…. i was so excited. then immediately conned. decoder ring from a christmas story conned. only it was crappy food.
Yo mama relatively cheap… and nationwide.
i spent a good portion of yesterdays shower thinking about the lost art of yo momma jokes.
pop culture killed the yo momma
Alas, no one cared.
Where did CAL get into law school?
Good question. CAL?
Dinger High School
Nowhere: no joke. 2 schools pending. Check out Tha Big J… Dropin in out of nowhere to look in on Poor Cal. What’s up J? What’s your life like? Me? These day I’m focused on the Fantasy Baseball Team and trying to pass the hours at my lousy 9-5. Also, running. We’re breaking 60 miles this week and it’s exhausting Big J, just exhausting. I’m on a sort-of-health-kick and not eating any junk food, mostly just brown rice. No hot dogs either. And you Big J? You? You?
It’s brown-rice wha? -cles of Narnia! It’s brown-rice wha? -cles of Narnia!
Cal ate a Hot Dog! I sawr him!
check out this jerk:
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/7539
i’ll get you cla!
I paid off my student loan yesterday. One source of crushing debt down, one to go.
and then what?
diamond earings all around!
Things are looking good on the Fantasy Sports front. Cal wishes he had my team.
wirkus, slap yourself.
This is cool; I think I’ll buy one. Game on tonight! Cubs/Brewers! 1982 Brewers 25th Anniversary Charlie Moore 5 inch Collectible Bobble Head giveaway! Al v Jack! So much excitem– oops, pooped myself.
Yes do slap yourself! I want a diamond earring! and dude’s fantasy team (but not the good doctor’s haha). but the baseball season is very long and anything can happen! Maybe dude’s guys will get injured!!! Speaking of getting injured… Remember how i am the hottest hotshot running over 60 miles this week? I Flew too close to the sun my friends. I had to limp to the train and take a ride home last night after breaking the number one cardinal rule: DO NOT RAISE MILEAGE AND INTENSITY AT THE SAME TIME. i ran a bunch of hills Wednesday and today it’s Limp City! It’s the right calf. It’s shot. What is more humbling running or poker? I’m sure you think that you’re the king of the world when you have four aces and you are bluffing in the blind and the river is about to flop and then all the chips are in AND THEN and then and then–the senator turns your website off and you’ve got nothing! Humbling. anyway dear friends, i don’t think it’s so bad – we’re still gunning for Grandma’s in June. Please send your get well prayers to: My Right Calf, C/O Cal, Calpolis CA, 90210-0000
Dear cal,
Next time run 59.99 miles, you goof. How did you pay for the train? I thought you trained in the nude. Where did you keep your moola? Get well soon, I guess.
madd, hollar if you want to make a run for the border.
Are you guys purposely ignoring me and everything I say? It’s my website! MYYYY WEBSIIIIIITE! Good for nothing jerks. JERKUS!
yes WIRKUS hello to you. and to you MADD. I just jumped the train on the back car like a hobo and did not pay… riding the rails with my bum leg… home, where my music’s playin, home where my ice bath’s waiting silently for meeeeeee…
just kidding homie! how is your life in MADISON???? got any calf issues?
As a matter of fact I do: damn calves got out of the barn last night and turned over the turnip cart. CALVES! Jerks.
Where’s eroz? Think he will be at the Brewer game tonight?
Turnips! Parsnips! Pear Trees! I went to Madison and MP Gave to Me a Parsnip in a Pear Tree! Four Calling Birds, Two Turtle Dove and Turnips for FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE On the Second Day of Madison MP gave to Me FIVE GOLDEN TEES! FOUR TURTEL DOVES THREE FRENCH HENS TWO TURTLE DOVES AND A PARSNIP IN A PEAR TREE. O NTHE EITHTH DAY OF MADISON MADD SCKEEZER GAVE TO ME.. car bombs.
Sceizzer used to have a turtle NAMED turtel. Mindfuck: engaged.
Just got the birthday card. Thanks!
tirtel…..
Pfffft, whatever. Is it really gravy?! Is it really your birthday?! Who KNOWWWWWWS!
Madd Scientist’s Rules:
#1 own turtles
#2 irish car bomb
Your website!?!?!?! YOURS!?!?!??! Let me break this down into terms you can understand:
I’m Marsh Shapiro you’re an NWA flight crew.
Drive slow homie.
Love you son of a bitch
Marsh Shapiro: Let me tell you something. You don’t own shit. You midget. I wouldn’t eat at your place if you paid me; I found a finger in my brat once. A middle finger. So, someone is walking around being unable to flip someone off cuz of you. Jerk.
It IS your birthday, because I declared it so. Like He-Man, I HAVE THE POW-WER! I can give life, and I can take it away. Why? Because I’m a computer programmer you dirty fucking hippie. SALT! PEPPER! CILANTRO!
pretty sure i’ll roll down tomorrow morning…. not sure about rach-o and quince yet. they might just want to stay here and make out all weekend
cilantro, schmlilantro. i own you. i also won you. i don’t nwo you. i do now you.
Love you tirtel lover.
did this place get weird AS HELL today?
FIIIIIIIIVE GOLDEN TEEEEEEES!
the old love, RE-love
Megan (spacebee’s roommate) has a Quince-dog. I saw a picture of it at their apartment and said, “huh, meg has a quince.”
indeed, double down on the love.
a double re-love as scientist connects with cal on the comeback. triple word score, homey.
the san diego zoo has the best and most numerous turtle displays of any zoo i’ve ever been too. i was extremely impressed and jealous. they have this coy pond area with a bridge through it with a few hundo turtles that is pretty much my dream backyard… but i don’t even need it… i could just go there.
they seriously had like 10 different areas full of turtle exhibits.
more turtles?! SWEET!
Hey wwhazz, I’m reading Word Freak. Scrabble players are the most anti-social nutjobs on the planet, and I say that as a (a.) computer nerd and (b.) former dungeons and dragons enthusiast.
holy lovefest
T-Minus two hours til we leave for Milwaukee. I’m excited. The excitement is palpable. EXURNAY, bingo!
fIVE GOLDEN teeeeS!
2 of the turtles houses weren’t even labled…. you had to go around back of this building that looked like a janitors closet and inside was 20 turtle tanks full of fun. if that was my zoo there would be a sign.
TURTLE FUN! IN HERE!
yes and i saw the turtles at the zoo too. my favorite turtle move is when they are swimming and “step” on another turtle’s head. that is great.
BLOG STORMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
i have another
turtle story for you
don’t forget to get the oil changed on this website…. about to hit 30k
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGAN!
here goes:
when i was a young man, my family visited CALifornia and we were driving a quiet two lane highway when we came upon a giant turle of some sort in the middle of the road
dear father pulled the car over to come to the aid of the large turtle
i liked the giant alligator snapper. they fed it a rabbit.
also seen being fed a rabbit:
1. anaconda
2. giant falcon
noticibly missing from zoo: rabbit exhibit
we didn’t want the turtle to die on the road due to the passing automobiles
holy crap cal! THEN WHAT?!
so we all piled out of the car and walked over to the slow moving turtle
they were little fluffy white quince rabbits too. that shit is racial.
i was amazed by the size of this turtle at close viewing, he was indeed a big ‘un.
cal, i am so deeply engrossed in your story.
a story told in 1000 equally banal parts. what happened next? WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!
father leans over to pick up this large slow moving turtle and as he does…
the turtle lets out a great HISSSSSSS! and we all jump back!
UH OH!
we were now afraid for our lives. the turtle was ANGRY!
not much scarier than an angry turtle
after regaining our wits about us, dear dad found a large stick or pole of some kind and wedging the stick under the turtle, he managed to flip the sucker onto the side of the road.
well…. was it a stick or a pole?!
and we drove away. a great family adventure it was! years later, after a relating our story to some kind of turtle expert…
we learned that the “hissing” we heard was the sound of the air suddenly displaced as the turtle stuck his turtle arms and legs into his shell. so the mystery was solved.
the end
i said: THE END!
no love. jerks. there now you learned soemthing. the turtle joints make noise sometimes. jerks
LOVE
what happened? I was on the phone with wwhazz. Then there was a hissing, then the line went dead. I think the hissing was sound coming out of his butthole. Years later, scientist would tell me I was right.
years after that, you would sit alone in a dark room and wonder…
but how did scientist know?!
HOW COULD HE HAVE KNOWN?!
HOW COULD ANYONE HAVE KNOWN!?!#^?
i gotta quit drinkin.
cal, one time i came across a giant snapper in the road. i threw my car blanket over it and scooped it up in the back of my truck where it lived for 6 months eating grapes and saying hi to all the ladies i would show it too.
then i let it go in the la crosse marshy swamp area. dude is probably ballin’ HARD up in there
oh man, and when i picked up my little car blanket turtle sack… the dude did the i’m going to piss all over you defensive trick…. and WHOA. that thing pissed out a fucking lake. like a 1 foot diameter wet spot in the blanket just oozing piss everywhere. i would later find out from a turtle expert that turtles are 98% piss
Anyone planning on seeing Grindhouse? Anyone?
i already saw it and then i woke up! snap!
Rumor has it that the great Sterling Hall bombing of ’70 was planned in my restaurant. Mr. Moneypenny…lookout. I hear the Tobacco Lofts in ’07 are next.
to Cal and all you other juicers out there–i just had an “apple jack” from the coop and it was DELISH. apples, beets, ginger, and lime. try it out at home.
i just had a sprite!
sucks to be you whazzman… your house is going to be bombed.
i like the juxtaposition of cal running so fast he gets hurt with the turtle running so slow people stop to help him.
with you hurt, WHO WILL HELP THE TURTLES?!
cal… you have a responsibility to nature to stop this silly marathonary.
yo ain’t no thing i’ll be fine just gimme a few days. PEACE
so cal dreams about seeing grindhouse….
does that mean he is going to see it or not? way to answer a question with a mystery CAL#@!(^%&!@#^
give you a few days…. give you a few days.
CAL!#()*!@&!@#^
WE DONT **HAVE** A FEW DAYS!#)(^*&#)^(
BLLLLLLLLLARGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH
did everyone already see dr 4nyay’s new ride?