My trip to California for business and MacWorld has not gotten off to a good start.
The following was the mail I sent my group mailing list this morning:
Hi everyone—
I’m Zach Moneypenny. You may remember me from such projects as File & Pay, and The Winner of That One Halloween Contest. Well, thanks to (AL Gore’s ominous voice and accompanying Nobel Prize-winning PowerPoint slide deck) GLOBAL WARMING, in the last two days Wisconsin has experienced 55 degree temperatures, thunderstorms, tornados, and layer of dense fog kinda like San Francisco, except it never ‘burns off’.
The ‘punchline,’ as it were: My flight to California yesterday was canceled (along with all others), rebooked for this morning, whereupon it was again canceled (along with all others), and I was rebooked to tomorrow (Wednesday). When asked what I was supposed to do to get to Cali-for-nye-yae for business they offered me a cart, two oxen, and team of 5 stout men to forge a new overland route. I politely declined, as I can technically attend meetings via The Webernet.
Tomorrow morning I’ll make a saving throw vs. weather and see if I can board a mystical flying boat that will get me to my destination: Kansas City, WHICH FROM WHERE I will depart for all points San Francisco.
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Midwest Airlines is not on my Happy-With list right now (betcha didn’t know I have one of those). I was supposed to be in Mountain View at noon on Monday. Here we are 4pm on Tuesday and I’m still in my miserable living room. I thought we lived in two thousand fucking eight, where marvels of modern science whisked you among the clouds except, apparently, when those clouds are very low to the ground.
So, if all goes well (it won’t) I’ll be in SFO at 11am on Wednesday, until next Wednesday the 16th. HOLLLLAR at a player if you see him on the streets (or in an airport bar).
Fucking Charter Fucking Communications Can Fuck Themselves
I know. I know. I. Know. Why would I get back into bed with the ass-raping fucknuts after what happened last time? All I wanted was HDTV so I could see the Green Bay playoff games on the fancy-pants TV that I’ve had forever now. They asked if I wanted a DVR for only a few more dollars a month. “OK, fine.” When the guy came to hook it up, he crammed the Tivo-sized unit into a small shelf in my entertainment center. “Is it going to work in there?” I asked, “Because I can move things around a bit.” He assured me that it would be no problem.
After two days the least surprising thing in the universe happened: there was a problem. The unit overheated, blew a gasket, shut down, and hasn’t restarted since. We weren’t able to watch the weekend playoff games, and when we called for someone to come exchange it the earliest was Tuesday (today). They asked us to be here between 5 and 7pm.
I think you all know how this goes. Second (or fucking 7th, I’ve lost track at this point) same as the first…
Friday [Ed note: it was Tuesday this time] comes and goes, no one ever shows up or calls (MISSED SERVICE CALL 1). I would later be told that someone came to my house but I wasn’t there. Funny, I work from home; I was there all fucking day. My cell phone has this feature where I know if someone called. No one called.
Fuck. Charter. Communications. Why in the Fuck can’t Madison have more than one fucking cable company; preferably one that does its motherfucking job without fucking people over with substandard equipment, fucking awful pricing, and motherfucking asshole shitfuck twat-faced cock-sucking cunt-sucking shit-eating motherfucking shitheel ‘customer service.’ Oh, and could we please get a goddamned motherfucking company that shows the football and basketball games of the team from the major college of the town and state in which they fucking operate? Fucking. Assholes.
i hope i’m on your “happy with” list. i fear the other kind of list to be on with you…
i sure hope i’m on your “happy with” list.
ok, that wasn’t supposed to post twice. DAMN YOU, WHAZZMASTER.COM!
whazzmaster.com is on my “not happy with” list right now.
how do you know there even is a “happy with” list? i maintain 7 “not happy with” relational databases. i invented organic RAID 7 to control the IO. it is powered by erections and coffee creamer. rumthumbs has a few tuples for production delays… i mean… how long does it take to prop up some fishing line in a tree?
oh shit, you did say you have a happy with list… my baaad.
maddd, BOOM to you. i read ahead. there is a happy list.
also, maddd, you would have been *oh* so perfect in that prom movie about racine. why weren’t you just a few years younger? you could have been the star!
no way i could have been the star. there are for real pimps in racine. my brother is a few years younger and he was prom king of park, was he even in it? i really want a copy of that biatch… can you rip it?
I sure hope i’m on your happy list. i got my grades today and i’m depressed. skeezer i got a free movie pass card from wwhazz what should we see tomorrow? Beowulf: 3D?
%@#&%#@ grades
Cal–allow me to be the first to offer my condolences, and then say: WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD. And law school grades don’t mean shit. Trust me. If I can get a “lawyer” job, surely any braindead moron can, right?
ZACH. MAJOR COMPUTER PROBLEMS. CAN YOU HELP ME IF I EMAIL YOU? I actually just need someone to calm my paranoia.
OK. Here’s the question (f*ck email): I have a virus in my Windows XP operating system (am I making sense? I can’t tell), so my laptop won’t turn on. If I totally reformat my hard drive, can I still recover my files if I use a recovery program, or are they all gone?
QUESTION: do I need to rescue/recover my files BEFORE I reformat the hard drive … or can I still get at them AFTER I reformat?
PLEASE HELP ME. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.
I wish I never went to college even. I should have just been a stripper.
Good luck on your trip. JW said the tornadoes in K-town made CNN.
Big J, strippers are lame… it’s 2008… run your own nudie website. take $1 from 1,000 dudes instead of $20 from 1. also, the answer to all of you computer questions is “it depends”… how about you tell everyone why you think you have a virus? did you try to hold down ctrl-F3 while you turned it on? do any lights come on or fans spin up or beeping or blooping? were you stripping when the problem originally started?
Cal, i techniCally have to work tomorrow, so i can’t kick it outside the nob until mid afternoon. is that coolio? you’re welcome here to drink beers whenever…
Zach, do you need a pickup from the errrrport? I think the good doctor is crashing here tonight to fly out thursday morning… there will probably be booze. there will definitely be booze.
Big J, when you reformat you turn all the 0s and 1s on your hard drive to 0s (or at least the ones that matter). No more data! Your African porno is all gone if you reformat. You’d better find some kind of African Super Hacker to take your hard drive out of your compy, slave it to another computer, and attempt to mount it and copy all the data off. Do they have Best Buy’s by you? Geek Squad could probably help out. Or fly it out to San Francisco and I can try to fix it. I’l do it for $500 plus a copy of all the porn.
Scientist: I got a rental for the week, but… damn, if scientist and 4nyay are teaming up for one night I figure I gotta be there. What are your plans and where do you planning on executing them?
no real plans yet. dude flys in from korea to get his hair cut, which is at 8pm, so it wouldn’t be until el noche. rach-o wants to go to some bar around the corner from us that she passes on her way to work.
cal, are you working over break? when do classes start again? no way you failed out… uh.. right? my cousin is getting ready to start law school… should i tell him not to?
the private school playground is on the roof right outside our window… today all the future railroad tycoons of america were out playing basketball in suits and ties all buttoned up all the way and in dress shoes. that is retarded.
i don’t think the doc is going to make it…
Damn. I think I’m going to wait until I’m back in the U.S. to save my computer. All my porn is homemade, and hasn’t been copyrighted yet. I’ve got quite an investment there … HA.
Tell me why I don’t need a 32GB flash drive.
You need a 32GB flash drive.
I’d do the work just for the porn, in that case.
i’ll publish, distribute, and bill for 20%. it’ll help the bottom line a lot of you could get fresh material out monthly and maybe attend a few conferences to take pictures with subscribers.
i wish i had a 32GB flash drive
you always knew it was going to be a crazy night when the red velvet came out.
WM: i’m going down to san matty tomorrow for work. if you’re still coming up and don’t want to drive into the city and deal with parking, you can dump your car at my office and I can drive us in…
HOLLLLLLLARIT
Sounds good, when would I meet you? BTW– if you came down to my hotel to get me between 5 and 7, there’s free drinks and appeteazers in the hotel bar.
are you going to be at the hotel at 5? free drinks = thanks for the soda, sir || tasdrhanks afor thae fdrddeeeeeeeeeee drindks, sir. what hotel are you at?
Cupertino Inn, right where Saratoga-Sunnyvale/De Anza crosses over I-280. Near your old crib.
whazzman what kind of camera do you have?
Canon Rebel XTi
holy shit, scientist and rach-o live in a lap of luxury heretofore unmatched by whazzmaster.com contributors. I think a pre-syphalitic young Geary lived here. Scientist could make a good living taking young railroad tycoons hostage for ransom.
we kicked it with cal last night. I was so happy I could shit. Sorry if I wasn’t making any sense, cal. I have an explanation: I was drunk.
This is why I’m currently pissed.
true that. the whazzman busted out the iphone to show me some new t-pain song, (NEW T-PAIN!), so i hand him the standard 1/8″ headphone jack connected to my cassette deck adapter. how can you make an itunes product that doesn’t use standard connectors ESPECIALLY if you modify those connectors to make your proprietary version? greedy bastards.
Cassette deck adapter? Do you listen to your Fresh Prince cassettes often?
I think it’s just the future and you have to deal. The freedom gill won’t hook to a flying car and the iphone will not hook to an old timey connector.
Gill?
Now I want a freedom gill. Thing lets you take your pet fish anywhere. The future is expensive, but it is cool.
Actually, even though I am somewhat of an Apple fanboy and all, the design of the iPhone is fucking ridiculous. Basically, no regular headphone works in it. And I’m not talking about when you were a child and your grandfather had headphone with a fucking gigantic plug, which you plugged into a cheap adapter. No, Apple redesigned the way that wires carry sound, apparently, because you have to buy a $20 piece of plastic in order to use existing headphones or earbuds with an iphone. That piece of plastic should have been included in the iPhone box, goddammit.
Also: I’m glad scientist is alive. When his phone went straight to vmail yesterday I was afraid he was at the bottom of Devil’s Slide or something.
Also: packers host the champeenship game at Lambeau. Fuck. Yes.
Finally: I had a terrific time at Winter’s for the game on Saturday. At a time when GMX declared a shot of Jameson for every Packers touchdown, the Packers decided to pour it on. Also, ask Chad about the $20 all-you-can-drink special.
Also: beware cookies.
was i tripping nuts or were we drinking with davey from the monkeys for a while?
or mickey dolenz? dude looked familiar. monkees familiar.
yes, this dude.
Oh yeah, we were drinking with that dude. But you were also tripping nuts.
damn… like for real that dude or a look-a-like? that is the genius behind “i’m a believer… i couldn’t leave her” “not even if i attempted to do as much”.
can someone please explain why snoop’s FATHER HOOD is on round the clock? is it not the truth that the show is like, three weeks old? how can it be on SO MUCH?
I’m a fanboy of calling YOU a manboy. It means you’re a man and cal is a boy and you like to draw magic marker beards on each other and kiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHHAHAHAHHHHAHAHHAHAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is so not funny.
whatever manboy. cal’s beard was purple! PWONTNEX#3!!
i had to deal with drunk dudes calling me stein, frank, and frankenstein all day saturday. i was zombie drunk.
This is getting old but still pretty funny:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mow7gXW0uog&feature=bz303
i’m glad you reenerated it. i saw that silver legacy commercial featuring “sindbad” and the blue man group… whazzman questioned the spelling, but i didn’t see it at the time. how do you book fucking sinbad and then run cable ads throughout norcal for weeks and weeks and spell the dudes name wrong?! WHO ARE THE ADVERTISING GENIUSES BEHIND THIS?!
yo thumbs, i agree on fatherhood. i thought it would be a garbage show from the start… then i saw “fer schnitzel”, thought it was clever, watched the family struggle in a foreign land, watch snoop build and execute relationships in true character, and everyone EVERYONE leaves happier. it was good. then i see like 50 times now “snoop hangs out with david beckham” or something so uncreatively void of “kicking it”. it’s snoop and his kids playing with david beckham and it’s dumb. i don’t watch the rest. no punny title + overpaid broken spotlight fiending gay brit footballers is not entertainment on any level. you can’t complain whats on tv though when you have a money script on the desk. BT, homie. buy some film.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrFaD4LykYc
check the video ID… mr. fad for licky? yup, it’s sinbad. scary.
here’s a better treat:
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/view/id/206
open a cuttlefish pet store = you’re the richest person in the world.
richer than cal after he starts lawyerin HARD.
Cool video. If you had a freedom gill you could take your cuttlefish to the mall.
just sign up for community freedom gill… reserve a time slot online and pick up your gill at one of 3 neighborhood locations.
snoops father hood is on again for the 80th time… they only have 2 episodes i think… that really is ridiculous. the episode is “Snoop It Like Beckham”. pfffffffffft. laaaaame.
4nyay and fuddruckus need to watch out for the haters
Shrug…
If you like Uke and WWE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NpuTvdkmn8
happy Birthday to the Madd Scientist! From, Bellygirl
thanks bg! i just came here to report that i saw on the morning news that 1st and san fernando in san jeezy burned down “total loss”!! i hope the B&Geezy and cinnebar are ok.
Blappy blerfday!
You and cal getting into an adventure? Gonna solve a mystery?
Happy Birthday! i got a mystery how about Cal and Madd… Mystery Under the Big Top! watch out for that Boa Constrictor Madd! jump through the fire hoop cal! ha ha! Cal and Madd… Mystery of the many “D’s”… an adventure INSIDE cal’s GPA! Cal and Madd… Ride in the Trunk
we went uut for a baller dinner and stopped offf here to check in with work and drop off the lft overs an dget more boozed. cal, if you’re around we’ll be out tonight somewhere… probably with boobs.
HOLEEERLRER. it.
bobby fischer is dead at 64. who will hate jewish decendants at chess now?
64 = 8×8 = chess board. creepy.