Zach & Stacy at Big Powderhorn
Well, we got back safe and sound from Da Up North, Eh? Had a ball in Bessemer with spacebee and the family. As I mentioned earlier, we were afforded the unique opportunity to watch The Super Bowl at bucketheads in uptown Rhinelander. They had $1.50 Miller Lites and free Hores Durves set out in back. I drank three buckets of Jameson and then Stacy drove us ‘home’ to the Quality Inn.
I goddamned hate Super Bowl commercials. “Here’s a talking (noun), buy our shit!” “Here’s a wacky man-child (verbing) a (noun), buy our shit!” “Here’s Tim Tebow, don’t get an abortion or prenatal care!” Eat shit, Tim Tebow.
I skied for three days and fell down three times; that’s a shitload better than last year and I consider it a resounding success. Let the mountains ring with God’s graciousness and ma-jest-fucking-ty! We also returned to the infamous Pub N’ Grub for Thursday night karaoke. All the old pals from last year were there and, again, by the end of the evening I was Marcus-n-Mcteague’n it with all of them. Six dollar pitchers of Miller Lite and Jameson shots will do that, son. On the way back home I desperately wanted to go to (in order) the Watersmeet casino, the Lake of the Torches casino, and Ho-Chunk. By the time we got south enough to consider Ho-Chunk, however, I just wanted to sleep on the couch the rest of the day. So… no Ho-Chunk. I still owe wwhazz a night at the Canfield for his birthday, though, so anyone that wants in on that is welcome.
Wwhazz, thanks for doing our cat for a week.
There’s not a lot of upcoming events here at Whazzmaster Central– spacebee’s birthday is at the end of the month and at the same time (coincidentally) as my Yearly Start of Daily Wishing It Would Warm Up Already, Dammit. I got her a birthday gift: The Big Minnie. Black. Clean. Tight Curl. Turquoise bead wrap. Now that I look at the description that way I can’t decide whether I bought her a hat or a dildo. Say lah vee.
I really, really gotta get TNG on the Tivo. We’ll make a space for it amid Spacebee’s ten thousand episodes of Criminal Minds. There must be some room in all that serial killing for Data’s quest for humanity or Troi in a skin-tight leotard. I assume that somewhere in history someone has already made a joke about a leotard being a retarded leopard, but the word still looks weird when I type it.
Pickles and grapes!
What does spacebee want to do for her b-day? Can it up at the Canfield?
Build an igloo?
This is a damn fine post, Moneypenny. I am glad to see your cat was done for a week in order to afford you this grand time up north. And I also admire your casino sticktoitiveness.
Hi to Spacebee and the done cat. Anthony and I agree your wedding is going to be the event of the century.
I love doing that cat.
Chris Anderson is a barnacle of mediocrity on Bill Gates’ asshole.
I hate that dude.
just watched george carlin’s “it’s bad for ya” from 2008… he opens the show with “fuck lance armstrong… fuck tiger woods, too”.
HOW DID HE KNOW?!#%L?!#%)&(
maybe tiger woods isn’t just an adulterer… maybe he killed george carlin, too. also. as well.
been rappin 225,000 hours… 300 months. 16 albums with my picture on the front BLOW THE WHISTLE.
too short?
It is. Big ty to my boy google. Need a too short ring tone? No.
i bump short whenever i roll through oakland… even though dude moved to the A… he still macks bitches either way… i still show nuthin but love.
FOR REALS
There has been a recal on all of cla’s comments. Faulty “L”.
I’m so gonna sue that little bitch.
Greg makes cal watch the Olympics.
Holy shit, Tecmo world championships are in Madison:
http://my.madison.com/forums/Topic4285346-2892-1.aspx
Whoa, you gonna join that?
I do but that’s the night that we want to hit the canny. I emailed dude to see if there are still any spots open. I suspect that there are not.
Also, he is going to have a handful trying to run this thing. Four man tournaments usually lead to fist fights. There are a lot of “gentleman’s rules” when it comes to tecmo. Certain teams are off limits. Gentlemen don’t use the nose tackle. Things like that that are going to be impossible to enforce.
I already saw a minor fight about controller selection in the comments section. The host does not think it matters but many in the comments think it does.
I 100% think that it does. Jesus H, I have a rant somewhere in the whazzmaster archives about that very subject.
Here it is:
2) Controller selection in Tecmo Bowl is a matter of human kinetics, not preference. The left thumb controls the cross on a Nintendo controller; the cross controls the tiny Tecmo man. The left thumb is better designed to push right than left (If you need proof, hold your left thumb out like a hitchhiker. Push left. Push right. The range of motion on a “push right” exceeds “push left.” In Tecmo Bowl, better range of motion = sweeter moves). Controller ONE offers an advantage over controller TWO because TWO requires the thumb to push left whereas ONE pushes right, taking full advantage of the range of motion offered by the left opposable thumb of a human being. If you need more proof of the superiority of controller ONE over controller TWO, watch Tecmo highlights on youtube: the runner is always moving left to right. A left to right runner is controlled with the left thumb pushing right which only happens on controller ONE.
madd retorted by suggesting that the controller be held vertiCALy
Pretty awesome that they are playing Tecmo Super Bowl. That’s one version past the version cal and I played for my beard.
That’s actually a really great game. I have no fucking idea why it is not on the wii. I have no idea where they are going to get enough working copies, regular Nintendos, controllers to run this thing.
That stupid air hockey tourney was a tease, but this freaking tecmo at Badger Bowl looks like the real Fing deal.
Anyone got timmah’s email? They should send him the link.
you can software mod the wii and get every game ever for all consoles including wii… if they won’t sell it to you, they can’t fault you for obtaining it yourself without affecting them.
RIGHT, CAL?! IS THAT A LAW?!
WELLLLLLLLLL SUUUUUU-UUUUOOOOOUUUUUUUUU-UUUE ME.
timdietrich@gmail.com
even the speed skaters switch lanes… tecmo doesn’t flip you at the half??
1. Best of Both Worlds (parts 1 & 2!) are on the dvr. RIKER!
2. Poker game, TNG style. Fice card stud. Riker string bets the fuck out of Welshey Crusher representing a str8 flush afainst crusher’s 3-jacks on board and welshey folds. Shelby (SHELBY!) calls his bluff with a pair of shit and wins the pot. Wesley, no!
3. Geordi folds his cards face up like a dickhole. Can’t your VISOR tell which side of the card is which?! COLLUSION!!!!!!!!ELEVEN!
1. Never play poker against a telepath
2. Never play poker against a robot
3. Always play poker against my brother
4. Always call Riker’s bluff
Riker’s drinking scotch in ten-forward and cryin his eyes out to Troi. Same as it ever was.
RED ALERT! ALL HANDS TO SCRABBLESTATIONS! BLANKS TO FULL, LOAD ALL FORWARD S-BAYS!
fire
Our computer models suggest that the borg can still function with a rack of XQZJDDP and an empty bag. THEY CAN’T BE STOPPED! They’ve bingo’d through 5 unconnected vowe001010010001101001001000101010101
…
WE ARE LOCUTUS
Your primitive games will be assimilated: Carcasonne, Bananagrams, Thunder Road, Catan. Perfect Carcassone strategy engaged: all dicktowns. Dice modified by precise hand crushing. Result: all doubles, Thunder Road has been assimilated. WE ARE THE BORG. WE CONTROL ALL WOOD, ALL SHEEP, ALL ROADS, AND ALL BRICKS. THE ISLAND OF CATAN HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED.
WE ARE THE BORG. WE CONTROL DECKS 23 THROUGH 10. WE HAVE ASSIMILATED 3D CHESS– ONCE WE IGNORED THE MIDDLE BOARD IT WAS ELEMENTARY. WE HAVE ASSIMILATED GUINAN; WE NOW KNOW OVER 20,000,000 DRINK RECIPES. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
GOLDEN TEE 99 WILL NOW SERVICE US. THE FIVE-IRON TRICK HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED. PERFECT IDIOT ISLAND STRATEGY HAS BEEN CALCULATED. THE HOLE KNOWN AS “TEXAS” WILL NO LONGER MAKE ANYONE FAMOUS. WE ARE LOCUTUS OF BORG, YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
I’m watching “Legacy”
Data just called Riker’s bluff… HUGE pot.
Yar’s sister is sporting astonishing camel toe.
ISHARA YAR’S CAMEL TOE HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.
Forbidden fruit
OMG, that baby Klingon is adorable.
we have assimilated the view
Dear madddddddddd,
You finished the tournament in 3rd place. A USD 800.01 award has been credited to your Real Money account.
thanks for throwing me that random $6 and getting me back in the game, homie. tell you what, i’ll put another 6 ON TOP OF THAT and get it back to you right away.
1100 for 2nd and 1500 for first… i was emailing for chop for last 30 minutes and admin never showed… then one guy got huge and i lost 2 in a row. say la vee. it was 11M to 5M to 4M… i had the 5M… pushed an ace, hit my man, but the 11M called with ace too, hit his bigger man too.
“troi’s freewheeling mother…”
DELETE DELETE DELETE.
who is the virgin that wrote this GARBAGE?L!#%^)&!#^
Last night I texted Uncle Skeezer:
Cue the french horn and get in the $1 terrrrrbo rebuy.
It’s pokers closest thing to a demolition derby. Uncle Skeezer texted back:
no skrill
I’ve been rocking a player points score for the past few weeks and dude’s pulled my poker tractor-trailer out of the mudd more than 100 times, so I gifted him six pesos. Three or four hours later, it’s 800 pesos.
That’s how it’s done, son. You see, cal? He didn’t go to law school or take out a student loan or buy a smart car or propose to a French woman.
When I went to bed last night he was dropping 200k stacks and talking sausage to players that has between 5 and 60k. He seemed really happy.
Greg’s trippin…
I got jive turkeyed last night. Played break even tournament poker but then rapey rape raped in the case game. It was just .05-10 with $10 buy ins but my last two hands took two buy ins off me.
Called a .20 cent raise with 78s and flopped 578. Pocket sixes pushed, I called and she/he/it hit a four to take a stack off me.
Rebought and posted. My first hand was 48s. Dude min raised and I called. Flop was 557. I had the flush draw; he min raised again, I called. turn was a 6 so now I made a str8 and still had the flush draw. He min raised again, I made it a buck, he went all in, I called, he had JJ, river was a 5, I was out 20 in two hands. I love when dudes slow play big pairs like this, get their ass in major trouble, and then suck out.
I typed in “ploiter!” and hit enter. The machine told me my chat privileges have been revoked. I went to bed.
The end?
Just the beginning.
Ploiter!
Come on, cal. Say it with me.
Ploiter!
Cal, walking through Chinatown, stops at a fruit stand, inspects a green apple.
Cocks his head, furrows his brow. Looks the Chinaman in the eye says the word: ploiter!
Cal on the cal train. Reading a book. Looks around, makes sure no one is watching. Whispers into the book: ploiter!
Smartcar, cal behind the wheel. One eye on the road, one eye on the smart phone. Types a message to greg, hits send: ploiter!
Cal actually playing a ploiter.
Everyone tells him, no, no. He insists, they set up the game, pass out the chips, explain the rules. They play two hands, he declares the game boring, quits.
Best of Both Worlds was great. That admiral fucked right up at Wolf 359.
Wwhazz’s description of cal’s ploiter: dead on.
I just watched Best of Both Worlds, but just part two. My school library has STNG season 4 for some reason so I checked it out. I’m hoping some nerd has the other seasons.
So I’m working my way though season 4, 1.5 episodes at a time (I turn it on when belly goes to sleep and play cards for 1.5 episodes.) I have to watch it after she goes to bed because she makes fun of Geordi.
After best of both worlds the episodes are: Picard goes home and has a drunken wine brawl with his brother, Lore kicks Data’s ass, Yar’s sister sports the astonishing toe, Bev has a weird twlight’s zone-like experience, Wharf has a shorty, Wharf has a mommy and daddy, and Riker has a birthday party.
All in all pretty good, but, at heart, I’m a season one kinda guy. Yar is my favorite charter, but after she dies it’s probably Data.
My all time favorite episodes are the one where everyone gets wasted and has sex aka data finger drills yar and the one where they all go to the Canfield and the bellman gets killed.
Son of a cock: worf!
spelling like a mofo today
errs all over the place
P-L-O-I-T-E-R
Cal, can you please just say it one time for me?
Purse the lips: pu pu pu pu pu pu
loi loi loi loi
t t t t t
errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
i lost all my money playing that ploiter. big urge to just cash it out.
i did win all my money there too, though……………..
My vote?
Cash 500
Play 200
Sell me 100
I’m running an early session: STNG, laundry, my last skrill.
Engage!
I’m pretty sure the writer’s of season 4 were smoking weed and watching a lot of old twilight zones.
100 sent… we’re even. thanks for sticking the needle back in my eye.
PLOITERS*(@#^%(*!@#%)&*(!@%#
ENGAGE!!!!!!!!!!!1
that thumb theory is BS ya hear!?
look. When I was five years old two men broke into the town hall bank. 30 seconds… 45 seconds… We’re going into the safe. WE NEVER GO FOR THE SAFE! I we’re going into the safe. YOU GOT A DEATH WISH BRO! They killed my parents, the only thing they left behind was a note: “MADD SUCKS”
BASTARDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
not to be a negative nancy but i’m tired and february sucks!
I’m glad this dumb month is so short BECAUSE IT SUCKS la de da.
eat shit, tim tebow
they got any good STTNG on youtube? Hulu? Do I gotta order it on netflix? Or what your beardless left thumbed geordy la forge… Jerk.
captians log 133586398598655: wwhazz is a jerk. Today, on the hollodeck he disappeared my beard right off my face. I was about to fold madd on the river wait, how many episodes is data a damn dealer in the wild west? Or did that episode just imprint itself on my brain or was it over and over. Damn you geordy answer me you damn PBS BASTARD. I know it’s cool now to say riker was useless but I ALWAYS thought dude was useless. No special powers NOTHING. I think he was supposed to fill the “ladies man” role but eff that. Ladies man my ass. Picard should have promoted wharf…. Hahah you called him wharf. Haahahahhahahahaha what was wharf’s role anyway? Bastards
that’s all for the CAL show. Tune in next week when I SOCK IT TO THE SCIENTIST.
til then better drink your ovaltine,
love,
cal
Windows media player will no longer open on my computer. I tried using the command prompts to reset it, and that didn’t work. If I try installing it again, my computer says I already have the latest version of media player. How do I make it work? Is there a better program that the cool kids are using now?
WANDERLAI SIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Hmm, QuickTime can play most if not all Windows media. You could try installing that, otherwise you probably have some malware, and if it affects WMP you may be effed because that’s not the easiest thing to uninstall/reinstall.
Data is an old west card dealer in Time’s Arrow (Part 1)
http://www.bloodyelbow.com/2010/2/20/1318988/sneak-peak-at-the-opening-for
VANDERLAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII SIIIIIILLVAAAAAAAAAAA
He plays black jack too. And craps. And poker on the Enterprise for fun.
Silva: “I want to cut his face”
Me: Nice
Mir was just interviewed. If he beats Carwin next month he gets Brock again in July. In the interview he said he wants to break his next and kill him in the octagon.
Here is the quote:
“I want to fight Brock Lesnar. I hate who he is as a person.”
“I want to break his neck in the ring. I want him to be the first person that dies to Octagon-related injuries.”
Talk shit on bud light: big trouble.
Threaten to kill: a-ok.
I would like to see Brock ko mir, call, stone cold style, for a can of Bud Light. Take a drink, spit it it out, tell Dana that his kunt light tastes like aids and quit the ufc forever.
… and break silva’s neck on the way out of the building
pokerfarts hitting my balls with teh rape stik over and over. burnin it… so rigged.
im being raped AS WE SPEAK
Made $10 last night but it was a nightmare. At one point was down $50 but then I watched Roger Rabbit and scored 2nd, 3rd, and 4th in three $3 45 man turbos.
Puh puh plotiter eddie.
It’s next week… when is sally cal gonna sock it to the skeezer?
when his gurl dik falls off
I knew he was bluffing
yesterday i had to parallel park behind a smart car in the TIGHTEST SPACE EVER. TSE. yo, that girl was rockin the TSE, YO! anyways, i then noticed that those retarded smart cars have the word “smart”, in pretty big letters, glued in the center of the back end. the ass end.
i would give madd crazy respeckt to anyone that heat gunned that bitch off and glued on the word “retarded” in the same shiny silver letters.
do it, pussy.
the smart car left a space the size of another smart car in front of him…. THEY ARE TEAMING UP AGAINST US. WE MUST END THIS NOW. THEY ARE PAIRING OFF WITH FERTILE ALIENS. )!(#^&)&*(!#^()&*#!^()&#!~ ISN’T ANYONE PAYING ATTENTIONS?@^()&#^!%)&(!^#()&
cal was zooming to his important, socially conscious appellate case when…OH NO! TRUCKS!
MY…. ONLY…. !)#(^)(#*! WEAKNESS$!#^*!&#(^*&!#^)(&^!#)(&^#!)
Whu whu what? Cal is dead. CAL IS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!