Yes, I’m the star of the hit show: Vegas! This one’s a reboot after four years in development hell. Seal Team Seven dropped into McCarran Airport at 9:30am on Friday and we were checked-in at TheHOTEL by 10:30am.
A little lunch (tequila) and we were off and running at the tables. I won $75 playing craps, and then wandered over where the rest of our group was playing roulette. Played my usual style (heavy on 20, lighter on 12, spread the table to hedge) and in four spins I went [12, 12, blank, 20]. After the back-to-back twelves I was heavyheavyheavy on the 20 when it hit- I think I won $500 or $600 on just the 20. I kept hitting numbers so on an off chance I just threw a hundo on 20 to see if vegas had decided it was my time to fucking SHINE. Nope, not that lucky.
We went and threw down a G-ball on steaks and scotch. I had some roasted marrow bones that grossed out most of the table (though Spacebee did eat some!) and then we headed back to the tables. Went up another $350 at craps and then met everyone for live band karaoke at the House of Blues. Sat and drank beer, vodka, and more during that little run and then they closed the show down around 2:30am (right before I was up on the list to sing Jump Around!)
I’d been drinking since lunchtime (the full list: beer, scotch, vodka, tequila, red wine, and two hundred 7&7′s) so I swayed over to the roulette table again and played some more numbers. I hit the 12 and 20 again and was up about $400 when I decided to take my winnings and quit while I was ahead. I colored up my chips, tipped the dealer, and what I had was a bunch of blacks and one $25 greenie. I threw the greenie on 20 and it hit on the next spin. Boom: $900 holmes. I was so drunk that I didn’t even get excited. I just swayed there and grinned for about 5 minutes, then went to pee.
Two of the folks we were with went to bed 45 seconds before the big score, and then the other four of us were trying to decide what to do. The other couple asked if we wanted to go to bed since we’d been up since 3am, Vegas-time, and I yelled “I’m rich biatch! We’re partyin’!” We went to the Minus 5 Ice Bar in the Mandalay and I bought fur coats for the ladies so they could sit on an ice bench and drink Snowflakes. Spacebee was very wobbly in the ice bar, and everyone thought I was the Incredible Hulk the way I was still functioning like a hue-man given the amount I’d drank. We retired at about 4:30am.
So on Friday I bought into chips for $200 after lunch and when I went to bed I had $2400 in chips in my pocket.
Cue ominous, distant thunder.
I spent some fo the winnings to rent a cabana by the pool on Saturday. They were pretty booked up but they reserved us one and said we had to get downstairs before 10:30a or they’d charge my held card number and give away the reservation. I awoke to a bad (but not too bad, considering) hangover, pulled clothes on, and stumbled down towards the pool at 10am while everyone else slept in or ate breakfast. In the elevator I cursed at the thumping disco music to the amusement of the other occupants. Halfway across the vast Mandalay casino floor I had to stop and give myself a pep talk that I’d make it to the pool. I approached the cabana host counter and asked the nice lady working there if she’d kill me. She looked concerned and said, “…no.” They took me over to the cabana and the host asked if he could get me anything. I asked politely for coffee, and then I curled up in a ball and slept in the corner of the cabana until everyone else showed up (some not until 2pm).
Later in the evening we had dinner and then headed down to Fremont Street. Holy fucking hell that place has gone to shit. By which I mean: it used to be a respite from the dumb bullshit on the strip, but every casino I walked into had $10 or $15 minimum tables and were packed to the gills. The booming music, the collective wal*mart patrons of america clientele, the dancing grannies. I could put up with all that for $3 craps, but no fucking way am I gonna endure that for the same table minimums I would find on the strip.
I lost every bet I made on Saturday.
I lost nearly every bet I made on Sunday.
We went and saw the Love show at The Mirage on Sunday night. Afterwards we wandered into O’Sheas and whooped it up with some $5 craps. Then we walked all the way back to the Monte Carlo and jumped a cab from there back to the hotel due to whining and yelling by the ladyfolk.
This morning I checked my funds and saw that the three dinners, cabana rental, minus 5 ice spectacular, and most of all 48 hours of consecutive losses had brought me back from my winner’s high on Friday. Ah well, we did have a fantastic time and the big score on Friday more than makes up for the dreary gambling on Saturday and Sunday.
Pancakes!
[UPDATE] whazzmaster.com is now officially blocked on the Intuit intranet. Probably because of the name of the post, but maybe not.
178 thoughts on VEGAS! 2012
I turned off caching for the moment; see if you jerks can see the pages now.
It works again!
Nice little run. Barry Sanders #20 was hot hot hot!
I’m glad you made it to O’Shit Sheays. I heard it goes BOOM at the end of April and they are putting up a Ferris Wheel between the Imperial Shit Palace and Crapcino Royal.
We were there last year during the final four and the table limits priced me out of most action, kept me on the poker tables. So I guess that’s a good thing, but it still pisses me off.
Maybe we need to stick to Dubuque or maybe some other oasis like Reno.
Hmm, Reno might be a good option.
We’ll put sceizzer in the trunk again.
Also: I seriously believe that vegas is the worst place to play craps, but the best place to play everything else. I only have vague reasons why I believe this to be true.
Whether you try your luck on slots, blackjack, roulette, craps, or live poker, you’re always a winner at St. Croix Casino Turtle Lake.
that’s under 2 hours for everyone, and it looks like they offer everything.
#BALLLLLLLLLLLLIN
oh, nevermind, it’s north west of eau claire… i thought it was east.
hotel looks nice… suites for $100 with jacuzzzz and a pool and whirlpool… 12 poker tables… jackpots, omaha, this weekend?????
It’s alive! ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll all for exploring new casini, bro. Especially if we can make the drive equal.
This weekend though, I’m in Madison. It’s my last shot at my goofy ass Dejope tournament!
In other news, today was my first day of paternity leave. Pi has been a good girl. An added bonus, SyFy is playing an endless look of next generation.
I get caught up in parenting and chores so I miss big chunks but it’s still fun.
Also, cal had the NERVE to cal me on the phone and accuse me of swindling Bry guy in a trade. It was my 5th and 8th round pick for Bry’s 4th round pick. I guess the part that is most disturbing is that cal compared Brian to an illiterate criminal. Is that how you really see him, cla? My goodness.
Final news: I’m not sure what the previous record was but I’m sure I’ve established a new record for singing and speaking in falsetto.
It’s musical as shit over here, boy.
This year we have two leagues: one is our good old league and the other is a roto league. I doubled down on Greinke in both.
Pi is like a little Rick Flair today
Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
One of the songs I sing is the “Once was a dog and his name was Quince and one time he said HOLLLAIRIT”
Shit make sure HER kids are gonna be singin that yo.
i’m not trying to be racist… but IHOP is full of british people.
a big shout out to all of my fans that stopped by for the HWKs 1st birthday.
I told wwhazz he looked like scientist in his fantasy baseball shirt and he was pissed cause according to a nine year old scientist looks like a hobo with white hair.
rach-o just let me know that she is running away to wausau next weekend to play with a bunch of sluts, so i’ll be home alone with the HWK. maybe we’ll run up to turtle lake by ourselves.
#BALLLLLLLLLLLLLIN
#supercrapche
Easter you will be home alone?
i mean this upcoming weekend. the next weekend to come.
#thatbuttonisinnomansland
i c u p
Here is Tony Plush’s new cat, Slick Willie: http://www.peta.org/features/Nyjer-Morgan-Adopt-Dont-Buy.aspx
wacky
real wacky
Ha, ha. I just watched “real wacky” and you already posted it.
I’m not sure I’d want to see Uke all shellacked with makeup in HD but I would like to see later in the episode when he meets professional wrestler hulk hogan.
für cal
That’s a no-brainer +1 for me: Cats + Tony Plush.
Shitter
la dee da. i hope granderson slips on a banana peel on his way to first base.
wait until you see what i have in store as an extra incentive for the 2012 CHAMP.
is it better than dom, you ask? honestly, no. but it’s good.
that dom saved my marriage… i told my beloved how many fantasy baseball leagues i signed up for this year and she shot me an annoyed look but then that annoyed look faded and she said “that was really good champagne…”
MARRIAGE: SAVED.
FAVORITE HOBBY: SAVED.
MONEY: NONE SAVED.
ZING: DELIVERED.
pretty obvious you whittled a trophy of some sort.
#dipitingold
I need to focus on killing greg this week. But your time will come.
Did you watch that crazy 5am game in Japan? That was my starter and closer combining for 8 innings of one run ball. I sat in bed watching it on my phone and thinking about how much I hate you.
Cal really is in about 6 leagues this year. I’m a dude who loves fantasy and I’m like WHOA!
cal asked me to join another league. i never got the invite
#3istoomanyforme
this was the last spam comment on my site. cal can probably figure it out.
Всем Доброе утро! Заходи
what does it mean?
don’t make me angry. you wouldn’t like me when i’m angry.
my sister used to have a dream that my dad would cut himself shaving and then he’d turn into the incredible hulk and kill us.
Nice. Lawman used to run and hide after the Duke’s of Hazard because he was scared of the Hulk.
Duke’s COme on coach
“To all the good morning! Go”
a russian affirmation. not spam.
#encouragement
nice translation friend. “To all the good morning go” indeed.
maybe my dad really is the hulk.
lawman should run away and hide if he sees my dad.
I’m starting to get fat.
Corn money, bro.
Reds leaning toward closer-by-committee
See that, cla? you can take timmer’s nuts out of your mouth.
i will never take timmer’s nuts out – NEVER!
Dude, my awesome incentive is a chinese pocket knife:
http://imgur.com/a/iEj0w#0
I posted it on our baseball site and got no response
#nobodycares
I’ll win that knife and cut you with it.
I’m watching the King’s Speech.
Enjoying it, actually.
yeah that’s a good one!
chris elliot is on letterman tonight… and “stand” by R.E.M. was on the radio during my commute to the sitter this morning.
#calsucks
oh snap, and he came out to “stand” too…
#bravopaulschaffer
#boocal
Booooooooooooooooooooooo cal
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
After a disappointing spring “cactus juice” finally delivered:
Cactus juice: Two celebrities were in camp and dressed out in uniforms – Milwaukee-born comedian Frank Caliendo and actor John Gries, who played Uncle Rico in “Napoleon Dynamite” and is a neighbor of Wolf. Caliendo did some of his famous impressions during the team’s morning clubhouse meeting and also took part in the morning workout, including batting practice. “It was a lot of fun but my legs got tired during BP,” said Caliendo. “I said, ‘That shouldn’t be.’ The players do it so effortlessly. It’s not as easy as it looks.” Caliendo, who lives in the Phoenix area, said he hopes to make it to Miller Park this season to take in a game.
must have been really disappointing if that was the prize.
If Uncle Rico is catching a game, I want to know about it. And I want to find out via cactus juice.
If Ricky Week’s surgiCALly repaired ankle is black and blue, I want to find out in the “mediCAL watch” section. Don’t tell me about it in the cactus juice section.
Cactus juice has been misused all spring training. I was thiiiis close (less than an inch) from writing a letter to express my frustration and concern.
ok, him catching is a little juicier… i thought his legs just got tired from standing there hitting. i thought they just let the backstop catch during BP… can’t throw back to the pitcher anyways with that pussywall up.
Went fishing for about an hour after work. It was colder than I thought it would be. My feet froze. Looked like about a size 18 or so caddis hatching. Maybe 20. They were small. Water level was much, much better. Water a still a little murky. I think the big thing at this point is that the air temp has to come up now that the water is down.
#fishon
I don’t want to mislead you– the hatch was sporadic at best. I couldn’t get a good look at the bugs. Just based on the conditions, I would have to guess caddis. Too small for stone flies. Two weeks and I think we’ll be in business.
I mean, two weeks if the air temps stay up. 50s or better would get things popping.
#poppin
Do you idiots have any idea what I’m even talking about?
I’m getting good and goddam sick of the apathy on this site.
You fucking people.
apathy????
fuck EVERYTHING)(&@#^$)&(!#^)&(!#^)&(!#^%
This is not the totallyfree way.
let’s talk about guns.
I answered Anderson Cooper’s question on google+ yesterday and got recognized today.
#betterrecognize
Check g+ for details
Did i float the idea for totallyfreetuition.com? I think it could be the future of recruiting.
So you go to totallyfreetuition.com and it says:
Are you CRAZY? Nobody’s giving away free tuition. But we are giving away free turtles. Free? TOTALLY FREE. Click this link: __________.
SO then they click the link and it goes to totally freeturtles.com. Which directs them to totallyfreetshirts.com. It’s like the russian nesting dolls. This could go on to infinity.
#genius
Totallyfreevacuums, totallyfreetvs, totallyfreewindows, totallyfreecouches, totallyfreepillows, totallyfreeremotes, totallyfreewalkietalkies
Totallyfree could take over your living room. It took over mine. and i couldn’t be happier.
totallyfreefleece. totally.
what’s hot on google+? Apparently me.
i like guns.
i liked sons of guns the tv show, but it is becoming a scripted gimmicky junkstorm. totally free junkstorm. it isn’t about guns, it’s about explosives and then using a gun to shoot some triggering device that detonates the bomb. lame. the professional russian on youtube is 10000000 times better.
how about that rick santorum not caring about unemployment. what a jerk. oh wait, that was out of context. WHO USES CONTEXT ANYMORE??!#%&*()!%#)&*(!^#)&(
#JERKS)*&!#%^
my neighbors put up a walker sign in their yard… i’m on board. fucking hoodlum anti-walker vandals still defacing signs all over the city.
checks AND balances.
#my.44doesboth
totallyfreepolitics
I’m for walker because he said he was going to create 250,000 jobs and he has.
don’t listen to the LAMESTREAM media. walker creates thousands of jobs a second.
meet trayvon martin
expelled from school for drug possession… dropping n-bombs all over the internet… calls for the murder of others….
ask me if i give a shit.
#gunswinagain
if kleefish gets recalled can we get sarah palin UP IN THIS PIECE????
They couldn’t do it.
#toomanyjobs
that kid knew how to tweet.
maybe the “National Council of La Raza” can join up with the “United Negroe College Fund” and they can finally figure out which of their organizations is the most racist.
#ignoranthypocrites
#totallyfreeretaliation
you know what i could go for right now?
#totallyfreerye
or
#totallyfreescotch
the republican autodialer robot hit my house yesterday. bad move, morons.
i figured out that if i held down “0″ it would put their system into an infinite loop… so i just tied up my phone line all day so i could tie up one of their phone lines.
then, i told it i was voting for ron paul… then they asked if i was sure: FUCK YES. then they asked for my 2nd choice: RON PAUL AGAIN.
male or female? female.
over or under 35? under.
#STOPCALLINGMEBITCHES
#totallyemptyhandleofcaptain
maybe we could make a site that only shows reruns of perfect strangers.
so you held down 0 all day?
#totallyclassic
back to perfect strangers: we could track down the “stars” and do a “where are they now” episode. wasn’t there a neighbot? larry? or was that three’s company? either way.
i think in a situation like that, you could probably take the b characters from any show and interview them AS THOUGH they really were on perfect strangers. who would know the difference?
#nobody
perfect strangers?
totallyperfect
#IWOULD)*(#&%!)(&#%)&(!#%
standddddddd-dingggggg TALLLLLLLLLLLLL….
on the wiiiinnnnnngs offfffff your dreeeeeeeeee-eeee-eeams
RIIIIIIIIISE ANNNNND FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
drop kick your jacket…. as you came through the door……..
NO ONE GLARED)(&#%!&(#%^&*)(!#%^*()
alf
totallyfreeperfectstrangersouttakes
totallyfreeperfectstrangersouttakes
this d00d totally pisses me off
he doesn’t understand perfect strangers, or what it represents, AT ALL!#%)*(&&)*(!%#)&*(%#*()
yo trayvon martin, shoot dat fool, yo.
#twitter
It’s like his BEARD gets it, but the rest of him is in, like, quebec or something.
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssse and FAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL on the winggggggggggggggggs of my dreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeammmmmms
my bottle of rye
totallyempty
i was totallytexting cal and wwhazz at the same time tonight
i sing perfect strangers theme in the shower… ALL. THE. TIME.
then: mr. belvy.. sometimes throw in step by step, family ties, growing pains, etc…
other times toss in some tenacious D
#Disfordick.
KT just asked if that dude in the goatee singing perfect strangers theme was you. i said yes.
what’s the name of this song?
explosivo
what’s the name of my girlfriend? i don’t know.
oasis creeps into my shower a lot. so does Q-tip with the beastie boys… anything on paul’s boutique. by then i’m clean.
#ORELSEIWOULDSINGMORE*)(^&!#%)&(*!%#)&(!
spring break 2000? (ish) i can’t remember. we were in lake charles. it was our anthem,
What the fuck is MCA fishing for in the goddam desert?
probably rhymes
#youcantfrontonthat
come on, and let me spawn… all your eggs, then you go UP THE RIVER.
not on paul’s booty, but still TITE.
Yo suckas write me checks
and then they bounce
so i reach into my pocket
for the fresh amount
#rich
#ione
how juvenile.
i’m the illest mother fucker from here to CALedonia
goddam it, this is like a small slice of my fucked up youth: OH SHIT
It’s called gratitude
mashup response video
using pink floyd’s discarded tour gear = LEGIT.
the behind the scene’s on that video shoot from the anthology dvd was pretty good.
those spinning speakers are tite as hell too… i’ve seen a few of them pop up on auction hunter shows… refurbed they pull over $1500 and sound crazy good.
analog is always better than digital.
china owns us.
#fuckchina
HOLY SHIT> and then i bust the tango
Don’t touch the mic baby, don’t come near it
my farts smell really good today
… like when you’re driving a range rover
order the quarter deluxe… WHY DON’T YOU WAKE UP?#!%)*&%!#)&(!#%)&(!#%
i do not sniff the coke… i only smoke the sinsemilla.
the mike stands for money, and the d is for DIAMONDS)&(!%#)&(!#%^_*(!%#
galactic was good on conan tonight…
hay na-na na hey na,
hay na-na na HEY!
mc hammer
PLEASE(*&!%&*()!#^*)(!^
don’t hurt ‘em
a couple days ago i found myself not singing in the shower… i was fixated on the actions of capt. sully sullenberger…. why hasn’t someone sullied him just for the puns sake??????? then, tonight on letterman, tracy morgan takes care of it.
#sullied
pun’s? puns’?
#CAL)*(&#!%&)(!%#)&(!#%
i don’t understand this mega millions bullshit… last drawing was like $350M… now it’s at $540M… the odds are 175M to 1, and a pick costs $1…
why didn’t someone with $175M buy every possible number and take the $350M?????
CAN I SUE?!#@%$*&(!%)&*
all the hedge fund SLACKERS left $200M sitting on the table last week.
#SODUMB
What if choppy choppy? What if they get quartered?
Took 6th of 40 in the bowling alley poker tournament. Top 5 paid.
For punishment I slammed 2 beers and walked home 3.5 miles in 34 degree weather.
No coat, just the orange hat.
I blasted cal’s text machine for about four consecutive hours last night. maybe it wasn’t actually four hours.
#itwasalongtime
Let me get this straight. Paul ryan endorses Mitt?
#mittstheshit
the ultimate fighter is rigged as shit.
after 2 rounds the red fighter dominated and ended each round dropping bombs from the top of other guys guard. i was 98% sure they would call it after 2 rounds… dana came out and said there will be a round 3… whatever, rigged. but then d00d won round 3 too, and they gave the fight to the other guy.
#JOWRIGGEDJOKE
Three way chop on the mega… after the tax man (fucking cal) takes his cut, you are out skrill.
How is daddy day care?
Happiness. Is a warm butt.
daddy day care is vfv mgsgh….
the HWK took over. that is how it is.
tell wesley crusher about that mad max game
battle… road? battletoads? yes. that’s it.
thunder alley??
i’m making a batch of cream… experimenting with strawberry extract mixed with banana extract mixed with my belly
arizona primed to repeal freedom of speech
it makes sense… they already repealed right to privacy and search and seizure laws at the border checkpoints…
#FUCKAMERICA
i say start the civil wars now… if we wait a few more years, the only thing that will change is a the cals might finally realize they need guns, and buy them.
#strikefirststrikehard
sheriff joe seems like such an obvious target…
i watched some HD:TNG on trubbbbbbbs last night… i’m starting to think the resolution is too high. i caught a case of the cals, and i couldn’t watch the show without seeing the actors and the props first.
i didn’t see a klingon… i saw a man in a lot of makeup, and couldn’t figure out what his motivations could be.
and all the enterprise flybys you can see the details of each window cut out with an exacto knife… obviously paper, not tritanium.
i turned the trubbbbbalyzer off, but left the speakers on and ran the title screen of the bluray on loop which is just the background noise on the bridge. i slept well.
the HWK keeps saying “wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle” very clearly.
here is that hey na na song by galactic
My first day of daddy day care showed the episode where Warf’s mate gets killed and he bonds with his kid followed by the one where Riker blows his trombone solo and wakes up in the future with a gray beard and a kid, but the kid is an alien up to some tricks.
I learned a lot about fatherhood.
Thunder road!
I cannot stand shit on loop as I sleep. It infects my dreams and then I want it off but think I’m dreaming and it’s not really on.
#restless
BUT IT IS ON
it’s not really a loop… it’s just the ambient vibrations of the ship with a few beeps once in a while. not repetitive at all. i think i had some space dreams.
i like how google gives the Q propers in their quest maps of downtown rayray
even zoomed out further…
#landmarkinstitution
what did the porn star who was 6″ deep in the middle of a film shoot say to his coworkers?
TIME FOR THE FINAL FOUR!
#teninchdickjokes
Thanks to WHAZZMASTER! SUPERCRAPCHE WORKS! IT WORKS! HOORAY!
#s3
until it stops working.
#CRAPCHE*)&!#%)&(%!#)*(&!#%^
i am in the market for waders… any brand recos???
#CALLCOACH
i am very very conflicted with who to hate/cheer for in this game…
somewhere the alter aaron mp is going nuts and poppin butts.
#kansasisbutt
i am not posting quickly enough
BOOOOOOOFORD! PICKS UP CHANGE!!!
#HOOP
ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK)(&!#%)(&!#%
FUCK THE POLICE
Ha ha. I read that in the paper and thought of you.
You want to try and do a little gambo gambo before you are blessed with a new shorty?
i am happy to personify the issue of police corruption and civil rights abuse.
i am also happy to shotty anyone in the face that attempts to deny me the right to do so.
i’m always up for gambo. we’ll be coming back through maddddtown on tuesday… late afternoon early evening probably. no time to gambo unless we threw craps at the dinner table.
i could host a canterbury trubbbbfest any weekend we’re here… roll in friday night for some trubbbbbwhazzzzin, roll to canterbury on saturday and come back…. if everyone is sober and angry, they can leave… or if they are drunk and want to celebrate winning, stay over saturday for more trubbbbbbbbs.
or go all the way to canterbury on friday night and come back as far as summerset and camp on the apple river friday night and get up saturday and float the river then either go back to canterbury or come back and trubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb
#hookers
i’m thinking about convincing joe to buy a roulette wheel just to finally tempt whazzman into visiting.
#whales
waders: acquired.
i went with the hodgman XXLs.
#BALLLLLLLLLLLIN
here is a comment
#APRILFOOLS)(&!#%()&!#%*_)!#^