VEGAS! 2012

Yes, I’m the star of the hit show: Vegas! This one’s a reboot after four years in development hell. Seal Team Seven dropped into McCarran Airport at 9:30am on Friday and we were checked-in at TheHOTEL by 10:30am.

A little lunch (tequila) and we were off and running at the tables. I won $75 playing craps, and then wandered over where the rest of our group was playing roulette. Played my usual style (heavy on 20, lighter on 12, spread the table to hedge) and in four spins I went [12, 12, blank, 20]. After the back-to-back twelves I was heavyheavyheavy on the 20 when it hit- I think I won $500 or $600 on just the 20. I kept hitting numbers so on an off chance I just threw a hundo on 20 to see if vegas had decided it was my time to fucking SHINE. Nope, not that lucky.

We went and threw down a G-ball on steaks and scotch. I had some roasted marrow bones that grossed out most of the table (though Spacebee did eat some!) and then we headed back to the tables. Went up another $350 at craps and then met everyone for live band karaoke at the House of Blues. Sat and drank beer, vodka, and more during that little run and then they closed the show down around 2:30am (right before I was up on the list to sing Jump Around!)

I’d been drinking since lunchtime (the full list: beer, scotch, vodka, tequila, red wine, and two hundred 7&7′s) so I swayed over to the roulette table again and played some more numbers. I hit the 12 and 20 again and was up about $400 when I decided to take my winnings and quit while I was ahead. I colored up my chips, tipped the dealer, and what I had was a bunch of blacks and one $25 greenie. I threw the greenie on 20 and it hit on the next spin. Boom: $900 holmes. I was so drunk that I didn’t even get excited. I just swayed there and grinned for about 5 minutes, then went to pee.

Two of the folks we were with went to bed 45 seconds before the big score, and then the other four of us were trying to decide what to do. The other couple asked if we wanted to go to bed since we’d been up since 3am, Vegas-time, and I yelled “I’m rich biatch! We’re partyin’!” We went to the Minus 5 Ice Bar in the Mandalay and I bought fur coats for the ladies so they could sit on an ice bench and drink Snowflakes. Spacebee was very wobbly in the ice bar, and everyone thought I was the Incredible Hulk the way I was still functioning like a hue-man given the amount I’d drank. We retired at about 4:30am.

So on Friday I bought into chips for $200 after lunch and when I went to bed I had $2400 in chips in my pocket.

Cue ominous, distant thunder.

I spent some fo the winnings to rent a cabana by the pool on Saturday. They were pretty booked up but they reserved us one and said we had to get downstairs before 10:30a or they’d charge my held card number and give away the reservation. I awoke to a bad (but not too bad, considering) hangover, pulled clothes on, and stumbled down towards the pool at 10am while everyone else slept in or ate breakfast. In the elevator I cursed at the thumping disco music to the amusement of the other occupants. Halfway across the vast Mandalay casino floor I had to stop and give myself a pep talk that I’d make it to the pool. I approached the cabana host counter and asked the nice lady working there if she’d kill me. She looked concerned and said, “…no.” They took me over to the cabana and the host asked if he could get me anything. I asked politely for coffee, and then I curled up in a ball and slept in the corner of the cabana until everyone else showed up (some not until 2pm).

Later in the evening we had dinner and then headed down to Fremont Street. Holy fucking hell that place has gone to shit. By which I mean: it used to be a respite from the dumb bullshit on the strip, but every casino I walked into had $10 or $15 minimum tables and were packed to the gills. The booming music, the collective wal*mart patrons of america clientele, the dancing grannies. I could put up with all that for $3 craps, but no fucking way am I gonna endure that for the same table minimums I would find on the strip.

I lost every bet I made on Saturday.

I lost nearly every bet I made on Sunday.

We went and saw the Love show at The Mirage on Sunday night. Afterwards we wandered into O’Sheas and whooped it up with some $5 craps. Then we walked all the way back to the Monte Carlo and jumped a cab from there back to the hotel due to whining and yelling by the ladyfolk.

This morning I checked my funds and saw that the three dinners, cabana rental, minus 5 ice spectacular, and most of all 48 hours of consecutive losses had brought me back from my winner’s high on Friday. Ah well, we did have a fantastic time and the big score on Friday more than makes up for the dreary gambling on Saturday and Sunday.

Pancakes!

[UPDATE] whazzmaster.com is now officially blocked on the Intuit intranet.  Probably because of the name of the post, but maybe not.

whazzmaster.com: banned in one company

180 thoughts on “VEGAS! 2012

  1. It works again!

    Nice little run. Barry Sanders #20 was hot hot hot!

    I’m glad you made it to O’Shit Sheays. I heard it goes BOOM at the end of April and they are putting up a Ferris Wheel between the Imperial Shit Palace and Crapcino Royal.

    We were there last year during the final four and the table limits priced me out of most action, kept me on the poker tables. So I guess that’s a good thing, but it still pisses me off.

    Maybe we need to stick to Dubuque or maybe some other oasis like Reno.

  2. We’ll put sceizzer in the trunk again.

    Also: I seriously believe that vegas is the worst place to play craps, but the best place to play everything else. I only have vague reasons why I believe this to be true.

  3. oh, nevermind, it’s north west of eau claire… i thought it was east.

    hotel looks nice… suites for $100 with jacuzzzz and a pool and whirlpool… 12 poker tables… jackpots, omaha, this weekend?????

  4. I’ll all for exploring new casini, bro. Especially if we can make the drive equal.

    This weekend though, I’m in Madison. It’s my last shot at my goofy ass Dejope tournament!

    In other news, today was my first day of paternity leave. Pi has been a good girl. An added bonus, SyFy is playing an endless look of next generation.

    I get caught up in parenting and chores so I miss big chunks but it’s still fun.

    Also, cal had the NERVE to cal me on the phone and accuse me of swindling Bry guy in a trade. It was my 5th and 8th round pick for Bry’s 4th round pick. I guess the part that is most disturbing is that cal compared Brian to an illiterate criminal. Is that how you really see him, cla? My goodness.

  5. Final news: I’m not sure what the previous record was but I’m sure I’ve established a new record for singing and speaking in falsetto.

    It’s musical as shit over here, boy.

  6. This year we have two leagues: one is our good old league and the other is a roto league. I doubled down on Greinke in both.

  7. One of the songs I sing is the “Once was a dog and his name was Quince and one time he said HOLLLAIRIT”

  8. I told wwhazz he looked like scientist in his fantasy baseball shirt and he was pissed cause according to a nine year old scientist looks like a hobo with white hair.

  9. rach-o just let me know that she is running away to wausau next weekend to play with a bunch of sluts, so i’ll be home alone with the HWK. maybe we’ll run up to turtle lake by ourselves.

    #BALLLLLLLLLLLLLIN

  10. Ha, ha. I just watched “real wacky” and you already posted it.

    I’m not sure I’d want to see Uke all shellacked with makeup in HD but I would like to see later in the episode when he meets professional wrestler hulk hogan.

  11. is it better than dom, you ask? honestly, no. but it’s good.

    that dom saved my marriage… i told my beloved how many fantasy baseball leagues i signed up for this year and she shot me an annoyed look but then that annoyed look faded and she said “that was really good champagne…”

    MARRIAGE: SAVED.
    FAVORITE HOBBY: SAVED.

  12. I need to focus on killing greg this week. But your time will come.

    Did you watch that crazy 5am game in Japan? That was my starter and closer combining for 8 innings of one run ball. I sat in bed watching it on my phone and thinking about how much I hate you.

  13. Cal really is in about 6 leagues this year. I’m a dude who loves fantasy and I’m like WHOA!

  14. Nice. Lawman used to run and hide after the Duke’s of Hazard because he was scared of the Hulk.

  15. Reds leaning toward closer-by-committee

    See that, cla? you can take timmer’s nuts out of your mouth.

  16. chris elliot is on letterman tonight… and “stand” by R.E.M. was on the radio during my commute to the sitter this morning.

    #calsucks

  17. After a disappointing spring “cactus juice” finally delivered:

    Cactus juice: Two celebrities were in camp and dressed out in uniforms – Milwaukee-born comedian Frank Caliendo and actor John Gries, who played Uncle Rico in “Napoleon Dynamite” and is a neighbor of Wolf. Caliendo did some of his famous impressions during the team’s morning clubhouse meeting and also took part in the morning workout, including batting practice. “It was a lot of fun but my legs got tired during BP,” said Caliendo. “I said, ‘That shouldn’t be.’ The players do it so effortlessly. It’s not as easy as it looks.” Caliendo, who lives in the Phoenix area, said he hopes to make it to Miller Park this season to take in a game.

  18. If Uncle Rico is catching a game, I want to know about it. And I want to find out via cactus juice.

    If Ricky Week’s surgiCALly repaired ankle is black and blue, I want to find out in the “mediCAL watch” section. Don’t tell me about it in the cactus juice section.

    Cactus juice has been misused all spring training. I was thiiiis close (less than an inch) from writing a letter to express my frustration and concern.

  19. ok, him catching is a little juicier… i thought his legs just got tired from standing there hitting. i thought they just let the backstop catch during BP… can’t throw back to the pitcher anyways with that pussywall up.

  20. Went fishing for about an hour after work. It was colder than I thought it would be. My feet froze. Looked like about a size 18 or so caddis hatching. Maybe 20. They were small. Water level was much, much better. Water a still a little murky. I think the big thing at this point is that the air temp has to come up now that the water is down.

    #fishon

  21. I don’t want to mislead you– the hatch was sporadic at best. I couldn’t get a good look at the bugs. Just based on the conditions, I would have to guess caddis. Too small for stone flies. Two weeks and I think we’ll be in business.

  22. So you go to totallyfreetuition.com and it says:

    Are you CRAZY? Nobody’s giving away free tuition. But we are giving away free turtles. Free? TOTALLY FREE. Click this link: __________.

    SO then they click the link and it goes to totally freeturtles.com. Which directs them to totallyfreetshirts.com. It’s like the russian nesting dolls. This could go on to infinity.

    #genius

  23. Totallyfreevacuums, totallyfreetvs, totallyfreewindows, totallyfreecouches, totallyfreepillows, totallyfreeremotes, totallyfreewalkietalkies

    Totallyfree could take over your living room. It took over mine. and i couldn’t be happier.

  24. i like guns.

    i liked sons of guns the tv show, but it is becoming a scripted gimmicky junkstorm. totally free junkstorm. it isn’t about guns, it’s about explosives and then using a gun to shoot some triggering device that detonates the bomb. lame. the professional russian on youtube is 10000000 times better.

    how about that rick santorum not caring about unemployment. what a jerk. oh wait, that was out of context. WHO USES CONTEXT ANYMORE??!#%&*()!%#)&*(!^#)&(

    #JERKS)*&!#%^

  25. my neighbors put up a walker sign in their yard… i’m on board. fucking hoodlum anti-walker vandals still defacing signs all over the city.

    checks AND balances.

    #my.44doesboth

  26. maybe the “National Council of La Raza” can join up with the “United Negroe College Fund” and they can finally figure out which of their organizations is the most racist.

    #ignoranthypocrites

  27. the republican autodialer robot hit my house yesterday. bad move, morons.

    i figured out that if i held down “0″ it would put their system into an infinite loop… so i just tied up my phone line all day so i could tie up one of their phone lines.

    then, i told it i was voting for ron paul… then they asked if i was sure: FUCK YES. then they asked for my 2nd choice: RON PAUL AGAIN.

    male or female? female.

    over or under 35? under.

    #STOPCALLINGMEBITCHES

  28. #IWOULD)*(#&%!)(&#%)&(!#%

    standddddddd-dingggggg TALLLLLLLLLLLLL….
    on the wiiiinnnnnngs offfffff your dreeeeeeeeee-eeee-eeams
    RIIIIIIIIISE ANNNNND FALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

  29. drop kick your jacket…. as you came through the door……..

    NO ONE GLARED)(&#%!&(#%^&*)(!#%^*()

  30. oasis creeps into my shower a lot. so does Q-tip with the beastie boys… anything on paul’s boutique. by then i’m clean.

    #ORELSEIWOULDSINGMORE*)(^&!#%)&(*!%#)&(!

  31. those spinning speakers are tite as hell too… i’ve seen a few of them pop up on auction hunter shows… refurbed they pull over $1500 and sound crazy good.

    analog is always better than digital.

    china owns us.

    #fuckchina

  32. a couple days ago i found myself not singing in the shower… i was fixated on the actions of capt. sully sullenberger…. why hasn’t someone sullied him just for the puns sake??????? then, tonight on letterman, tracy morgan takes care of it.

    #sullied

  33. i don’t understand this mega millions bullshit… last drawing was like $350M… now it’s at $540M… the odds are 175M to 1, and a pick costs $1…

    why didn’t someone with $175M buy every possible number and take the $350M?????

    CAN I SUE?!#@%$*&(!%)&*

  34. Took 6th of 40 in the bowling alley poker tournament. Top 5 paid.

    For punishment I slammed 2 beers and walked home 3.5 miles in 34 degree weather.

    No coat, just the orange hat.

  35. the ultimate fighter is rigged as shit.

    after 2 rounds the red fighter dominated and ended each round dropping bombs from the top of other guys guard. i was 98% sure they would call it after 2 rounds… dana came out and said there will be a round 3… whatever, rigged. but then d00d won round 3 too, and they gave the fight to the other guy.

    #JOWRIGGEDJOKE

  36. Three way chop on the mega… after the tax man (fucking cal) takes his cut, you are out skrill.

    How is daddy day care?

  37. i’m making a batch of cream… experimenting with strawberry extract mixed with banana extract mixed with my belly

  38. i say start the civil wars now… if we wait a few more years, the only thing that will change is a the cals might finally realize they need guns, and buy them.

    #strikefirststrikehard

  39. i watched some HD:TNG on trubbbbbbbs last night… i’m starting to think the resolution is too high. i caught a case of the cals, and i couldn’t watch the show without seeing the actors and the props first.

    i didn’t see a klingon… i saw a man in a lot of makeup, and couldn’t figure out what his motivations could be.

    and all the enterprise flybys you can see the details of each window cut out with an exacto knife… obviously paper, not tritanium.

    i turned the trubbbbbalyzer off, but left the speakers on and ran the title screen of the bluray on loop which is just the background noise on the bridge. i slept well.

  40. My first day of daddy day care showed the episode where Warf’s mate gets killed and he bonds with his kid followed by the one where Riker blows his trombone solo and wakes up in the future with a gray beard and a kid, but the kid is an alien up to some tricks.

    I learned a lot about fatherhood.

  41. I cannot stand shit on loop as I sleep. It infects my dreams and then I want it off but think I’m dreaming and it’s not really on.

    #restless

  42. it’s not really a loop… it’s just the ambient vibrations of the ship with a few beeps once in a while. not repetitive at all. i think i had some space dreams.

  43. what did the porn star who was 6″ deep in the middle of a film shoot say to his coworkers?

    TIME FOR THE FINAL FOUR!

  44. i am very very conflicted with who to hate/cheer for in this game…

    somewhere the alter aaron mp is going nuts and poppin butts.

  45. Ha ha. I read that in the paper and thought of you.

    You want to try and do a little gambo gambo before you are blessed with a new shorty?

  46. i am happy to personify the issue of police corruption and civil rights abuse.

    i am also happy to shotty anyone in the face that attempts to deny me the right to do so.

    i’m always up for gambo. we’ll be coming back through maddddtown on tuesday… late afternoon early evening probably. no time to gambo unless we threw craps at the dinner table.

    i could host a canterbury trubbbbfest any weekend we’re here… roll in friday night for some trubbbbbwhazzzzin, roll to canterbury on saturday and come back…. if everyone is sober and angry, they can leave… or if they are drunk and want to celebrate winning, stay over saturday for more trubbbbbbbbs.

  47. or go all the way to canterbury on friday night and come back as far as summerset and camp on the apple river friday night and get up saturday and float the river then either go back to canterbury or come back and trubbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

  48. i’m thinking about convincing joe to buy a roulette wheel just to finally tempt whazzman into visiting.

    #whales

  49. When i open a midi file in fl studio every channel goes into one instrument or vst, how do i seperate them into their proper instrument like garage band does?.

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