I am in France. It is 8am here but in reality it is 1:26AM Central Time. The Paris airport is odd; Gucci and Burberry stores everywhere I don’t think I can afford to even breath the air in here. I don’t know how much this internet is costing me but I’ll just go ahead and assume it’s a ton.
The flight from Detroit to Paris was uneventful; I didn’t have the fancy-as-shit lie-flat seats for that leg (although I think I have one on the next flight) but the service and food was amazing. The nice lady in the seat next to mine dumped a glass of red wine on me when they came to collect our dinner plates. Sad time. I slept for about 2 hours. I have to say it was odd to get on the plane at 6pm (light out!) fly across the ocean and get out at 8am (light out!) while not having 14 hours actually elapse.
It just occurred to me that you fools might be hanging out. Nope, just checked and you’re not.
So anyways here I am in Paris. Well, the Paris airport at any rate. I’ll be moseying along to India in about 2 hours.
My Itinerary: 1 hour flight to Detroit, 4 hour layover in Detroit, 8 hour flight to Paris, 3 hour layover in Paris, 9 hour flight to Bangalore. Left Madison at noon on Thursday and I will get into Bangalore at 11:45pm Friday. I’m meeting Fuddruckus on the other side of the planet for breakfast on Sunday. He’ll likely be late.
[UPDATE 1] I am in India. Had a snafu at the airport and couldn’t find the driver so I took a shady-as-hell cab to the nicest hotel I’ve ever stayed in. My room is dope as hell, and I’m starting to unwind from The Eternal Traveling. It’s 2:06am local time and my body has no idea at all what to do. Not real sleepy, not entirely hungry. I think I’ll drink a beer? Maybe? More to come; the weekend is for jet lag recovery and figuring out how to do a speedy INR-to-USD conversion in my head.
[UPDATE 2] I am in India. I spent the vast majority of my day drinking champagne at various sites in the city. Met Fuddruckus for coffee in the morning and then had a bottle of prosecco at the Lotus Pavilion. Later on we met up with some other Intuit folks for brunch at the Leela Palace; holy hell was it expansive and delicious. I fell asleep at 9:30pm but am now completely awake at 3:30am. Today is gonna be one tiring affaire. Did the Packers win?
[UPDATE 3] I am in India. Spent the day here with the rest of the team. It culminated in drinking Budweiser at a nearby resort and having a dance contest with a coworker that drank a bottle of wine during lunch. #iwon Going out shopping with fuddruckus before he heads back murica but later tonight I’ll update with more and answer scientist’s questions from comments.
[UPDATE 4] I am in India. Q&A Time! I am sleeping well these days, and I woke up this morning and hit the gym for awhile. Now I’m sitting in the pavilion drinking Kingfisher and reading the internet while I install a build from the India servers to my triage machine. As such, I have the luxury of time and so I will answer some questions I have received:
- how is butt? exploding? No, my digestive track is holding up pretty well.
- how is not getting kidnapped? kidnapped? No, I have not been kidnapped.
- how is champagne? cheaper? Way more expensive, but hard to tell because of exchange rates.
- how is fudddddddd? escaped back to amurika? He achieved exit velocity two nights ago and should be back in the Yay Area now.
Regarding the Flat Tire Disaster of Oh-12:
- was it a joyful learning experience? Joyful? No. Learning Experience? Yes.
- was it a slightly annoying repressed anger feigned smiles experience? It’s hard to be angry about a flat tire when you look out your car window (on your 45 minute-to-2 hour commute) and see unbridaled poverty and destruction everywhere, all the time. Like, if you ever have a meeting scheduled with someone in Bangalore and they are 10 minutes late I implore you to not be mad or give them shit. They were possibly detained by literally a cow being in the middle of the road. Not a rural road either, a downtown throroughfare. Like if Market St traffic in SF was ground to a halt because a bike hit a cow.
- was it an all out scream fest? did you chastise the driver? the driver’s company? the people that set you up with the company? No, no, no, and no. We felt real bad for the guy and tipped him extra huge ($20 ~ Rs 1000 which the biggest bill available in this currency) because he had to pay for the new tire(s) himself. The whole “hole in the tire and then the spare tire was also flat” situation happened Monday, but on Thursday when we arrived at the office we got out and the damn new tire had a giant hole in it. The driver looked sad and then we felt sad.
[UPDATE 5] I am in India. I’m at the hotel’s Sunday Brunch right now. Really nice (though not as wonderful as the Leela Palace brunch last weekend), but something is starting to get to me. I realize that this paints me in an unflattering, stupid-american light but I’m starting to lose my shit with regard to eating. I’m down to about one meal per day because I’m starting to not be able to stand Indian cuisine at every meal. I’m usually eating a VERY large breakfast because the buffet at the hotel includes many Americanized dishes I can gorge on before I head to work with the looming lunch choice of <Insert Something> Curry and Rice or a McDonald’s Spicy Chicken sandwich. In the eight days I’ve been here I’ve eaten dinner three times, with one being a team dinner at another swank hotel, and two being pizza from room service. I must commend the ITC Garndenia on their pepperoni, bell pepper, and fontina pizza: it is GOOD. The restaurant also makes a very, very good asparagus and pea risotto.
I just decided I’m going to eat nonsense for brunch today and skip dinner again. I’m already TIPSY~! on two big rum & cokes (hi spacebee!) so I figure I’ll stuff myself with biryani, sushi, veggie fried rice, and a shitload of desserts and then sleep the afternoon away. I may call up Fudd’s homey Anup (a very liberal local Intuiter) to hit some kind of karaoke tonight, I guess we’ll see if I’m hungover by 4pm or not.
Also, hurray to Taipei Assassins for winning the League of Legends Season 2 World Championships! I had a very fun (if early) morning drinking hotel room coffee and yelling at the internet. That shit was seriously 1000 times more entertaining than the Super Bowl.
230 thoughts on I Am In India
#FUDDSTANDARDTIME
no lie: my new nephy’s middle name is RICK JAMES, bitch.
#SERIOUSLY
can we make requests?
10 second video of you dancing gangnam style in front of a temple that is at least 400 years old.
I want one of them fire eating goats.
On the Jason Bourne-esque car chase ride from the airport to the hotel last night we were almost sideswiped by (a) a truck filled with goats and (b) a dump truck with an open gate carrying a single, colossal boulder.
Enjoy
i’ll be trubbbbbbbbin the badger game worldwide in 40 minutes. not sure when that is in india time, or crazy whazz.com time…
2:30 CDT
after that meridian
ATM.
I was reading the Culver’s wikipedia page and found this gem:
“In 1987, the Culvers booty was stankin and were approached about franchising a restaurant in nearby Richland Center. The Culvers agreed, granting the franchisee a loose licensing agreement, charging no fees or royalties. Because the franchisee had invested very little of his own money, it was a simple matter for him to walk away a year later when he decided he no longer wanted to be in the restaurant business.”
That booty was STANKIN!
jinx:
i know the d00d that is the current manager of the very first culver’s in sauk.
fun fact: d00d drove his motor cycle at full speed into the back of a trailered boat… the propeller went through his abdomen.
buy a fresh custard waffle cone and a butter burger and ask him about it…
i wanna rock right now
A lot of linking and posting for that joke. Loooooooooooooooooooooooota table talk.
I like this artiCAL about the pussification of the NFL: http://www.jsonline.com/sports/packers/nfl-has-lost-its-way-in-making-game-so-offensive-11749un-172987791.html
I think about this shit all the time.
Other complaints:
Pink, fitted women’s NFL apparel. Don’t give me this tailored for a woman shit. It’s not supposed to be tiny and cute. It’s supposed to be a big ol boxy t or a 1000 time too big jersey. And if your titties are big enough to still show through all that fabric… that, my friend, is erotic.
#erotic
You’re titties, bro.
YOU ARE TITTIES
Eroz was preaching about the downfall of the NFL back in 2004. While I enjoyed his rant, I dismissed most of it… until it was too late.
Back in 2005, Jess was invited to a packer party at a coworker’s garage. Everyone knows the word garage comes from the latin “Go Rage” and garages were created as an attachment to your home for raging. I was the absolute perfect amount of hungover and I went along ready for fun, fun, FUN.
So we drive to freakin Waukesha and down a pretty little subdivision road to the party which was dull, dull, dull. I sat next to the motherfucker’s GRANDMA and the crowd politely watched the game. No wrestling matches or loud cursing. The image that is scared into my mind is one of a Packer-helmet crockpot full of cocktail weenies. Points for the weenies, but no need for a special container. I looked at that thing and knew eroz was right.
I want PBR ASAP and a cheese platter left to its own devices because when the cheese starts to sweat, the party is just starting. I want timmer passed out at halftime. I want eroz to break something valuable because the Packers only won by 27 instead of 34.
enjoy
wtf
i said ENJOY
hi cal.
SHANKIEST SHANK I HAVE EVER SEEN.
that big nose fool is a fool. i’m not throwing out my scotch because my glass might be dirty. i wash my glasses.
#FOREIGNERSAREDIRTY
coffee + whiskey + chocolate = multiple orgasm.
don’t forget that one either.
was that loon the dean of your lawyer school?
dog the bratwurst hunter is often treated with a sackful of “comets” aka goldfish.
i buy about 20 at a time. he eats them pretty much instantly. the first batch there were a crew of 3 survivors. but after 2-3 days that was down to 1. then a week or 2 later i buy another 24… they are gone in 5 minutes… down to the sole survivor.
a few weeks after that i was cleaning the tank and couldn’t see the survivor… i was a little sad because i was cheering for him. i completely drained the water a few times because i was sure he was gone.
a few days later and he is in the tank again!!! i think the time i cleaned the tank before he had hopped into the filter tank someone when the water was at it’s highest, then he lived in there until i cleaned it again and he decided he would rather live with a beast than live in the beasts shit puddle treatment center.
so i bought another 24 “rosies” (they were out of comets) and those all were eaten in minutes. my survivor homie is getting BIG. i crush up the turtle food so it’s small enough for him.
i’m thinking about breeding him, but i’m not sure that is smart… an army of survivor goldfish might be unstoppable.
#ELUSIVE
the survivor is largely darkish compared to other comets.
just because i lack in melanin, don’t call me eminem
-elicash
Timmer’s turtle lives with various survivors.
Sometimes his turtle needs help catching fish and I am under strict orders NOT to feed him certain fish.
Cal!
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0169480/
that survivor is a rad d00d… i checked him out today… he isn’t stressed… his masterful game is child’s play. perhaps i don’t need a new tank… #HESFINE
#CHILDS
YOU are a rad d00d
jay breuynag is a desperate bachelor. desperate for CHAmpagne
what do you little boys know about a little BUTT FUN?? NOTHIN’.
#INDIAUPDATES
1) how is butt? exploding?
2) how is not getting kidnapped? kidnapped?
3) how is champagne? cheaper?
4) how is fudddddddd? escaped back to amurika?
you should whip out that 1000 bill and offer it to a stranger for their moped and ghostride that fucker all over town and then just give it to a kid when you’re done.
#IDEAS
That is an interesting idea.
ghostriding a moped is pretty much the most gangster thing you can do…
#whattodowith1000sillymoney
i could also use a fly on the wall recount of the flat tire / flat spare situation…
was it a joyful learning experience?
was it a slightly annoying repressed anger feigned smiles experience? ala shit happens….
was it an all out scream fest? did you chastise the driver? the driver’s company? the people that set you up with the company? “i flew AROUND THE GODDAMNED WORLD to be at WORK here today… i need to be there NOW… why the FUCK are you driving me around with a FLAT FUCKING SPARE… you FUCK()&*!#%^”
#benicetoslaves
you get what you slave for…
(TM)
god damn it. only 1 other result for that found with google. some fucker 2 years ago on twitter:
https://twitter.com/BreettR4763/status/6553778417303552
i thought i was so clever.
#ISUCK)&*(!#%)*(&!#%)*(!#%^
yo cal… i have a law game for you.
the show “bait car” and the entire concept of baiting criminals… if you did something expecting someone to commit a crime, and then your expectations came to fruition… then, aren’t you an accessory to a crime? or isn’t that a crime because the crime itself wasn’t a crime, but then because it isn’t, then it is??!??!#%?
EXPLAIN. GO.
cal, you are my comment slave. you are fucking up BIG TIME. you are NOT prepared. i’m sorry i called you a slave, but, seriously,
What the fuck, cal?
Cut bait on the eternal internship and post here all day.
For once: DO WHAT WE SAY.
Go Bored to Death-style and take law cases off craigslist.
Cal, SF to Madison arriving DEC 6 and returning DEC 10 is only $240.
SF to Dubuque DEC 7 to DEC 9 is $317.
Come on, bro. Ask for a paycheck or a day off.
I’ll put $50 in the hat. I’m sure kcar is good for a fiver…
That’s 55 off.
I’ll throw one benny fold in the mix
That is $155, brosky.
YOGA FLAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HADOKEN!
i read the craigslist for sale ads every day.
this d00d has been trying to sell his mini bike for like 3 months:
http://eauclaire.craigslist.org/mcy/3280710714.html
keeps reposting it.
i think i want it.
also thinking about getting a flynn jersey…
#contemporarybambino
That minibike is a BOSS HOG.
Regrow your harper beard and buzz around town on that things.
1) save your money for MISTIQUE. I want to come but it is highly unlikely. sad face!
2) bait car is interesting. i have some knowledge in the area. cops do it all the time. when i was working at the public defender the old timers had stories about how cops would go undercover and walk around the Tenderloin with $20 bills hanging out of their pockets and wait for somebody to rob them. BUSTED! modernly the police will lock up a nice bike in a bad neighborhood with a cheap, thin chain and wait for somebody to steal it. BUSTED! way to create crime in order to fight crime cops! BUSTED! even worse – one case i remember the cop made sure the bike was worth $1,300 because stealing over $1,200 makes it a felony. #privateprisonscrimepays
I’ve heard in paris the police will dress up as normal dudes, go in the subway and hop the turnstyle, then bust the dudes behind them who follow suit. BUSTED!
the argument is ENTRAPMENT but the cops can beat it if they can prove “DUDE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ANYWAY!” so bike lock game = ok but they prob wouldn’t get away with jumping the turnstile… or would they?
Wikipeia says:
In criminal law, entrapment is conduct by a law enforcement agent inducing a person to commit an offense that the person would otherwise have been unlikely to commit.[1] In many jurisdictions, entrapment is a possible defense against criminal liability. However, there is no entrapment where a person is ready and willing to break the law and the government agents merely provide what appears to be a favorable opportunity for the person to commit the crime. For example, it is not entrapment for a government agent to pretend to be someone else and to offer, either directly or through an informant or other decoy, to engage in an unlawful transaction with the person (see sting operation). So, a person would not be a victim of entrapment if the person was ready, willing and able to commit the crime charged in the indictment whenever opportunity was afforded, and that government officers or their agents did no more than offer an opportunity.
On the other hand, if the evidence leaves a reasonable doubt whether the person had any intent to commit the crime had it not been for inducement or persuasion on the part of some government officer or agent, then the person is not guilty. For example, if a defendant had purchased illegal drugs from an undercover officer, he may be found not guilty if it is determined that the officer initiated the transaction or aggressively pressed the accused to complete it.
Entrapment holds if all three conditions are fulfilled:
1.The idea for committing the crime came from the government agents and not from the person accused of the crime.
2.Government agents then persuaded or talked the person into committing the crime. Simply giving someone the opportunity to commit a crime is not the same as persuading them to commit that crime.
3.The person was not ready and willing to commit the crime before interaction with the government agents.
#FUCKTHEPOLICE
a doctor at one of the hospitals in rach-o’s rotation was arrested after he jacked off some kid who told on him, and then a bunch of other people came forward (and probably got some on his wrist… #rapejoke)
anyways, they brought him into court today in handcuffs and let him go on bond because “he is not a threat to the community”…
just a serial child rapist loose…#NOBIGDEAL
i might come down to madison on saturday and stay overnight. who wants to play? the despearte bachelors are sponsoring an all day pub crawl.
“the idea for committing the crime”…
who is writing these laws??? fucking MORONS.
ideas come from motivation. motivation comes from enticement.
baiting deer is illegal but baiting people is more than just fine… it’s standard procedure for those empowered with the public trust.
#DRESAIDITFROMTHEUNDERGROUND
good work, cal. i bestow upon you 1000 slave credits.
there is a bowling alley with a bar in eau cleezy for sale on craigslist… screw bored to death… let’s do it ED style.
i call michael ian black…
Lynn and Tim are over Saturday. We will be around.
somehow “new episodes oct 11th 2012″ which was a date in the unforeseeable future, has turned into today……
is it still sunny?
leagueing?
dvring
keeping up on jon lajoie
HELLO: I AM TINA BROWN FOR NPR WITH MY FALL PICKS. THE NEW JON LAJOLIE SHORT COMEDIC SKIT IS MY FALL PICK.
Now I am a SF seal: ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF
Cal sent me a delightful package:
A check for 840
A 10 brewers to win WS ticket form the vegas.
A stabbing knife with “2012 champion” etched in the side.
An unopened pack of rap pack cards.
Opened it revealed DJ Polo, Main Sour e, MC Lyte, Professor Grief, The Genius, Tommy Boy, Yo-yo, Sir Mir-a-lot, Above the Law, Tracy 168 (the tagger), and a card that explains what a rap video is.
Cal! Cal! Cal!
yo cal… how come murdering a murderer is legal for the state, but not legal for murderers?
why can the state lock you up, but if you lock someone else up the state locks you up? what gave them the right? i didn’t. i renounce their jurisdiction.
NOW WHAT?
why is it ok for the border patrol and homeland security agents to kill children indiscriminately?
#REVOLUTION
police throw flashbang grenade at a little girl while raiding a house and finding nothing illegal
keep soldiering for the system, cal.
#NOBLE
Cal’s twank on the Nats to win the world series looks a-ok.
40-1, borsky.
WTF cardinals
What do you little boys know about a little butt fun?
NOTHING
World of No Words Wrestling
cal CAL CAL CAL! You gotta come to Dubuque! How the fuck are we supposed to set casinos on fire if you’re not there to accidentally throw a lit cigar in the nearest bin?
CAL: I may be out in SF the week of Nov 4th (maybe, not sure yet). If I am, LET’S GO EAT AT HOUSE OF PRIME RIB. Me, you, your lovely wife, and perhaps GMX. And Blaine.
Wake up you jerks.
greatest reddit thread i ever saw
Oh my god.
1 play = badgers down 6-0
i’m on trubbbbbbbbbbbbs
#woongfucker
I’m hanging our where the fuck are you?
Hang, dik
my wieners hard
it wont hang!)#%(&)!(&*#6
TOO HARD)(#!%)*(!^#*()!^#*)(!#^
i understand there are video game world championships starting very soon… within the hour.
whazzman is getting up at 5am on sunday morning india time to watch them. hopefully trubbbbbbbbbs will be live
hang yer dicks out and watch koreans fight taiwanese for a million skrills and the world cup.
i want to hang out! too late?
i will instead dine on leftovers and enjoy a manhattan a la skeezer. ice. scotch. sweet vermouth as i watch the final episode of season 4 of Breaking Bad and see what walt has up his sleeve. are you impressed at how quickly i got through four JFLDJLKFJDLKS seasons? way. too. fast. it feel ill, Breakin Bad OVERLOAD. also, i hate to be critiCAL, i enjoyed it quite a bit, but it got soap opera-y towards the end. really? you have all those cameras but you still NEED him to cook? really? #flawedpremise
I AM SAD, the thread I screenshotted about ‘woongfucker’ has been deleted! Now the only memory I will have is my glorious screenshot for all eternity. “Oh my god.”
UGGGG. manhattan a la skeezer =/= (DOES NOT EQUAL) scotch.
the PREMISE of the show is that making the highest quality product requires more than the knowledge of a recipe… it requires a fundamental understanding of every force at work in the cook, and a capability of adjusting to rogue changes to any of them. sometimes many changes at once. sometimes your changes are making new changes. CHANGES. oh no we directly killed a kid.
#flaweddeclarationofflawedpremise
michael vick is very bad at football.
#BADFORMICHAELS
riiiiiiiiiiiiight sorry yeah – ice + whisky + vermouth duh. i take it all back after that final episode. it was good. fkdjfkjdfkdjfkjfkladjdkfjalkfjday ejhdomsofmdlajfds
CANADIAN whisky + SWEET vermouth.
#RECIPEDETAILSMATTER(*&!#%^(*&!#%^7890!#^*()&!#^
i didn’t notice all the updates to this story.
#answers(*&#!%^(*&^!#
peapods::: it turns out i ordered the region 2 DVD of “EXPLORERS”… it will only play on european DVD players.
i seem to remember hearing you are going to europe for a while… if so, it’s yours to give to someone deserving in europe…
i think i might be thinking about someone else.
fun fact: the european broadcast TV signal standard abbreviation is PAL.
#AFRIENDTOALL
let me google that for you LMGTFY
yo cal, tell your st00pid sister that my brain is completely fucked now….
i can no longer comprehend the written word COURTYARD.
COURTY&%&*(!#%(*%!#*(!%#
CAN I SUE?!#%^&*(
tim & eric – fun with slaves
jordy made me 301 points… jennings goose-eggs it.
#BRILLIANT
#SKRILLIANT
if you ask the HWK for a HWK screech, SHE WILL OBLIGE.
hahah courtyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrd
football on trubbbbbbbbbbs is pretty amazing.
i couldn’t pay people to come here.
#MORETRUBBBBBBBBSFORME
i felt weird for feeling the comeback at 24-0….
like 24 points might as well be -1…. you’re already losing
i like how the guy taking down that robot hover camera on wires is in the background of every camera in the post game show…. he is the real star.
draft that d00d to the medallion team, and put up the 4 giant posts at a park and you could scan the whole thing in NO TIME. that sort of power should not be legal.
#ROBOTCONTROL
I should have pushed harder for an injury out. I got caught up in the mythos of the broken leg.
Your gambo sheriff would explode if I shared the bullshit yahoo is pulling with payouts in their cash league.
wausau about to get wet.
i would never have bet with any outs… flip that coin… if it lands on an edge, START BLOWING. DICKS.
#JORDY
fresh krispy
WHERE IS THE OLD MAN?
WHERE IS BIG J?
#BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING
wisco about to get wet
I wish I were going to Europe for awhile. I would gladly take a copy of Explorers with me. You’re probably thinking of Rick Steves. He goes there a lot.
AO and I had the Euro-disk problem once with a copy of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy from Video Station (RIP, Video Station). After hours of watching youtube videos, AO did some magic trick and it worked.
yeah, i could probably use a DVD ripper, but i’m still holding on to a physical collection of movies rather than a virtualized one. #FUCKTHECLOUD
i like the old days when places like lee’s deli had dungeon traps
#A2K4LIFE
gangster parenting
let me know if anyone else wants to schedule some shame-dates… doesn’t make it as obvious whose kid is whose.
fun fact: long curly hair d00d on workaholics broke his spine in multiple places doing a backflip off his roof onto a ping pong table last year. he has been doing PT during the entire filming of this season.
government playing bait car producers…
step 1: sell fake bomb
step 2: arrest guy with fake bomb
step 3: call for praise of the administration for stopping a terror attack that never existed
#FUCKTHEFBI
teach terrorists that they can’t trust sources for explosives to buy and they’ll turn to learning how easy it is for them to just buy readily and legally available inert precursors and make their own explosives, and then we’ll have a worse problem.
more government officials paid to lie to the individuals of america.
Video Station aint RIP… is it? They moved over to the other side of DQ but I was there last Friday. I got a pumpkin pie blizzard and the season of Sunny that has Fat Mack and rum ham. The pumpkin pie blizzard game is fucked this year. In the past, workman dropped a whole slice of pie into the blizzard machine. This year they slopped a spoonful of pie from a can into the machine and called it a day. Weak. 4-Star looks RIPY.
Fuk the dog police:
http://www.jsonline.com/blogs/news/174444221.html
This dude is still my hero:
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,319326,00.html
Eat Alpo and die slow, Stryker.
Look at all these fuckers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MuKeGXvXnDA
Man’s best friend, assholes.
Stryker is a HATER and he got DEALT WITH
Cops raise with a dog attack and homeboy RERAISED with a bear hug dog and plummet off the Coronado Bridge.
all police dogs deserve expedited death and non-dog police aren’t far behind.
#FUCKYOUPAYME
i posted some hate to the tubes, but it said “pending approval”
at least the approver will have to read it.
#FUCKTHEAPPROVER
i’ve been in a fun email war the last 2 days because this shithole clenched up and india updates were witheld.
my theory is the whazzman is running on robot mode waiting to get home.
what is timmer up to next weekend? playing daddy, or can he go drunkd00d up the woods?
some herbal dealer from hum bolt wanted to run ads on my website…. he was an idiot, so i dealt with him. then he started to hate, so he got dealt WITH.
the DEA is involved. i don’t fuck around. i win.
#ALWAYS
winning
If Video Station is not RIP then this may very well be the happiest day of my life. We drive by every day now to take Bear to school and I assumed it was gone because (a) it’s not where it was and (b) there’s no sign for it wherever it has gone. I will take a closer look tonight so I can truly enjoy this news. Phew.
YOGA BUTT FLAME
It’s on DQ’s left now. Freaked me out too.
Sext timmer. He would prob enjoy a caveman weekend.
wow. video store loyalty above EVERYTHING.
#GANGSTER
let me let you all in developing action with an ongoing experiment i’ve been conducting…
we have a fire bowl in the yard… it has was 1/4 full with some mostly golf balled sized lumps of burnt wood, right up to the grate line… so full that it would likely keep most spread sunflower seeds above the grate line…. so, of course pour a bunch of sunflower seed on the burnt wood chunks, and cover it with the grated metal lid. heavy, but not THAT heavy. if 4 squirrels each took a corner, they could toss it off easy…. 2 pushing or pulling from same side MAYBE MAYBE do it. MAYBE. that is one of the goals of the experiment… MAYBE? so for the last 3 days lots of squirrels jump up on the padded lawn chair next to the fire bowl (something they never used to do)… look at the fire bowl… jump on it… walk around the catwalk surrounding the lid. don’t even try to remove the lid… meander under the well guarded bird feeders and pick up any scraps that the sloppy blue jay left for you.
let me tell you about the crows in my neighborhood. i’m not sure what mine and the crow’s deal is. i went to check my mail one day and some watchtower crow caws out. so i steal that fuckers token and man in the middle that shit at a higher dB. crow identity theft 101. no BS. copy that caw PURE. the entire bird community of the fairfax park region paused on exception.
i went inside.
i alarmed by the caws of many. i see, out of the sliver of my front door’s 6″ wide doorlength side window, into the street… shoulder to shoulder crows out in the street about 50′ away… none in the yard… just a little occupy movement… i move closer to the sliver window and the change in aperture reveals a widening mob.
i open the door…. i open the porch door… i walk outside… a single unified caw, and they all fly away in random direction away from my house.
now you know about the crows.
i put out a lot of food for birds and make sure that those greedy squirrels get just enough. but for some reason, the crows stay out of the game… i guess they just like to eat fattened up squirrels… who knows. but today there is a squirrel out of the chair making noise… a crow just showed up and was walking on the grate. they are conspiring. the dogs got excited after watching for a few seconds and spooked them off…
will the crows come back? can the crows call the squirrels? after that lid comes off, free for all?
the crows could smash in, but that would likely break up the charred embers and bury the hard little black seeds in a sea of hard little black chunks of carbon…… could the squirrels rummage with more accuracy? who is better at moving chunks out of the way? will they even get the lid off???? probably, right? RIGHT?
#MADDDDDDDDDDDSCIENCE
austin just emailed me and said that my bird call game was weak, and that i, “kill like a girl”…
#ROGUE
Brian shared an interesting ditty.
While covering some HS Friday night action, he dropped his CWS notebook and it landed in a puddle of puke. High schooler drunk on brandy? Nah, mayn:
IT WAS CADE, CADE, CADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I like the crow science.
We have one in my yard. Dude knows how to dump my birdfeeder. Way annoying.
He’s smart too. I can shoo him, but he only moves if he sees me pick something up to throw at him. Same with my bb gun—if I point it at him, nothing. If I pump it and point, fly like a bird.
A fun ted talk on crows: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhmZBMuZ6vE
i wonder why the crows don’t come around… i think they respect my demonstrated abilities to disrupt their communication infrastructure, and later gained from my advancement on their mob front that i am someone that deals with haters.
#FINDOTHERSEEDS
i bet those SF parrots shit all over cal
thanks for the crow talk… i hadn’t seen that. #MRUNIVERSEFAIL
i would like to see some figures on how much money that d00d made from the machine…
giving a peanut for a penny isn’t very cost effective, but 1 for a quarter and you’re rich.
HOLLLLLLLLLAAAARRRRIIIITTTTTTTTT!
wow… i said i was going to do the same thing and rach-o says, “i don’t NEED a bunch of fucking change”
*infinite sigh*
oh shit… EARTH LOVE
sandwiching that gay magma in whazz love
I’m back in America you jerks STOP CCing ME ON FACEBOOK INVESTMWNTVTHREADS I DON’T CARE IF JAY BREUNIG GOES BANKRUPT &$)($&”"!)(;:/:)$@@@
i couldn’t not send one last CC.
#DEALINGWITHHATERS
fucking tubby and his frosted tip dreads is going to the series.
#OFTHEWORLD
dr 4nyay, i’m sorry for your loss.
drink until you forget.
i am just learning most pop fantasy gambling, but during the recent draft i was 100% sold on JORDY for a 1st round pick. ALL IN.
hind-sight, would that have been a good move? how would a team who started JORDY every game have done so far?
#WANTTOGAMBLE
#YAHOOTOOMANYCLICKS
#NOPAYPALNOPAYPALNOPAYPAL
the shiva has spoken
i am going to win this
i am going to state “i am on JORDY’s dik”… but then i’ll explain the penis euphemisms are appropriate because the chat is already called a “hangout”… i mean… come on… we’re talking about diks.
#WHATELSEHANGS)&!#%^)&*(!#^)&*(!^#
we’re probably going pumpkin patching in eau cleeezy this saturday.
#BRINGURSHORTIES
for all of my amazement with nature, an 18 month old human is still way more capable and cunning.
Hang, dik!
no wakey no wangy
I hope you win the Jordy chat. That would be awesome. Jordy won me some skrill in the daily games last week.
I was 10th out of 97 in the $1 tournament and won $2.
I was 4th in a 1352 man freeroll and won $30
I took 39th of 177 in a $10 tournament and won $0.
I took 1st of 117 in a $1 and won $15 plus a ticket that is worth about $20.
I’ll holler at you tonight. I’ll let you make a $10 team just because I think you are swell and we can split the winnings. The affiliate and referral game seems like it is lucrative.
Lifetime, I am up like $30 bucks. I mostly play $1 and $2 games. I was up $100 something but I entered a bunch of $20 games the last week of baseball and crashed and burned.
I have been a kunt hair away from $1000 paydays twice.
It’s a pleasant diversion.
whenever rach-o is rounding up the kids she says in my krispy kreme voice, “GET UR HEELS ON”
#badparenting
hey, look… someone in san francisco better at being cal than cal.
i swear to shit, cal… if you don’t sue someone pretty soon, i’m going to write you off as a person.
#FUCKTHEFBI
#FUCKTHECIA
#FUCKTHEDHS
#ICANDEALWITHMYOWNHATERS
… and grow a goddamned beard already. you look like a gurl.
so, we all pay $billions for the FBI to shit on our rights and erode our freedoms, and when some lawyer-fucks call them on it, then we all have to shell out another half-milli for the lawyers, all while we keep paying the FBI to shit on us some more?!
#FUCKAMERICA
my dik will be hanging the whole game. stop by, cal.
i am playing a half twank of other peoples money and i’m nutty. not sure i can handle this level of gambo. might ruin sport for me.
dropped balls are causing mad physical reaction… i have the QB and the WR… the yards and TDs would count TWICE(*^!#%&(*!#^&(*!#^)&*(
drop drop drop.
i hate this.
$200 just SITTING there.
i thought it was $500 winner take all and i was still cool with it.
$50 rake is insane.
cal, i can build these sites with ease. get us some licenses and lets get rich. YOU HAVE TO PAY YOUR BILLS, CHARLIE(*&!#%)&*(!#%)*(!#^
i’m not convinced that my physical state is not causing the drops.
anyone who is is a FOOL.
ESPECIALLY YOU, PEAPODS(*&#%!^(&*!^089!^)*(!^#
wait…. i am not convinced that it’s not not causing the drops…
#NOTNOTNOT
rach-o to me: why would you pick roethesburger… he’s a rapist.
me: because he’s a winner… otherwise he would just be an attempted rapist
The rake is often insane. You can find overlay but there are websites that alert you when there is overlay, so shit fills last second.
I just view it as $9 plus 1 instead of 10 plus 1.
We can try again next week.
yeah, i get that, but i always felt my edge in poker was unstoppable… most of the d00ds in this have huge numbers for winnings, so they know what they are doing.
they probably lost just as much though… that’s the thing with tax law… if you played $50k in tourneys and cashed $40k, you would be down $10k, but still own taxes on that $40k of “winnings”, so it would be taxed as “jackpot earnings” rather than “earned income” so it’s like 50% rate too…. so you gamble 50k and end up with 20k.
when gambling is raked like this, any winnings should be treated money “not lost” instead of “won”.
#RIGGED
i don’t see profit, but i do see a way to get me worked up and smell a bunch of free money………. maybe that’s all i need.
i should just get a job at a bank
cal, feel free to attempt to exploit my technological prowess as i attempt to exploit your bought legal credentials…
#IWOULDLIKETOBERICH
get rid of roeths fumble and interception and i’m in the money… have wallace catch 2 of those 3 TD drops and i’m in 1st.
)&*(!#%&*()!#%&*(!^#(&*#!^(&*!#&*()!^#
i don’t like this.
i need a 50 yard roeth -> wallace TD…. then i’m solid.
i am way proud of that rape joke, and not at all ashamed, and proud of how ashamed i am considering how proud i am…. and proud
wallace just dropped another key pass bringing up 4th down. i am mad. i am as mad as i presume the person that actually cuts wallace’s checks to be.
#PROBABLYMORE
this is like showing up to a cigar party with a pinch of crack rock.
whazzmaster.com: like showing up to a cigar party with a pinch of crack rock.
HERE WE GO….
65 yards away… 4 minutes left….. go deep.
go wallace.
#GO
2nd…. and………………. 10.
wallace… 1st down………… buttttttttttttttttttttttt……….
completed pass????
“A LOT IN PLAY”
most understated cometary ever(*&#%^(&*!#^)(&*!#^)*(!#^*)(!^#\
i hate this.
i long for 12 tabling poker. fuck bill frist. fuck america. fuck cal. gino xl… look… i’m down with you… i never understood the beef. that’s on me. but, fuck bill frist. seriously.
casino’s can’t capital on fantasy sports, because it would require them to provide functional networked terminals for every user… if they were ever all used, that would create chaos… you can’t stop people from setting their lineups…. #RIGGED. so casinos don’t want to be involved, so no problem… #gambogambo. but after moneymaker whazzed the WSOP, casinos could create 20 jobs and make $50k a day on a poker room. fuck you online poker, we run the poker game. NOT YOU. watch… you see that speaker of the house with the power to arbitrarily add content to bills that have already been voted on at 4:59pm at the last minute of the last day of session, and have that change inserted AS LAW, having never been voted on, oh… and we gave him $20,000,000, reported that publicly, after which he immediately resigned any public office, and retired to florida…… oh, and that law still stands……. and cal fucking mops the entry way to circuit court and does NOTHING(*)&#%^)&(!#%)&(!#^)&(*!#^)*(^! CAL)(*&#!^)*(!#^)*(!^#)*(!#^)*(
HLKAEJTHTAEUIOTEAHO*!%^
1st and goal with 1:+ left….. up by 7
FUCK…. these idiots are going to kneel i bet… FUCK)&*(#%^)(&!#%)&(*^!#%()*
GO FOR IT PUSSIES)*(&!#%)&*(!#^)&*(!#^)&*(^#!)*(#^*&()^#!)*(!^#)*(!^#
WALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACEWALLACE
FUCK. i don’t like this.
ok… i got 14th of 55th… 10th paid back the buy-in.
i think i was sloppy as there were 2 of the 9 category picks that i wanted to adjust… fully understanding that those changes might require changes to other categories… but the countdown time was below 0, so i thought i might have lost my spot in the game, so SUBMIT.
my defense sucked, i was told by PAL to get home defense, but i BOLDly passed on OAK at home for TITS away. i LOVE tits away. and back… and away…… they got me 1 point… but OAK would have got me 4. those extra 3 points would have put me in 12th…. still no pay.
i am way too easily pulled into games…. i’ve been watching twitch.tv and got my windows machine back up to snuff, and ready to get a LoL account or whatever. i can beat that game.
very rude of me to get a single tip on the game and going against it. VERY rude.
#BOLD
i guess i need a “raid team” or whatever first.
pretty sure i can get that juggling fool at the mall gaming store to play… he knows i’m down…. i got the SONIC foxtail…. i know what’s up. he’ll be my POWER MID. you’ll fear me when the dragon spawns, but die before me as the baron is slain.
#GAMBOHOLEINMYSOUL
I am honestly not sure if you can beat the rake in this thing.
Most of the time I ball so goddamned small that I avoid it. I’ve also witnessed some of the most outrageous rake rapes I’ve ever seen. That’s not cool.
Lifetime, I deposited $50 and I still have $34 in my account. Though this week I put $47 in action. My next move is to deposit $20 in to a wife account: collect $20 in bonus plus she gets $20… so $20 will get me $60.
cal, lets face it…. out lot in life is to start a foot clan. you don’t know how to repair arcade equipment, or build skateboard ramps…. you need me. you can be in charge of the contract scientists. i’ll be the guy behind the guy behind our shredder…
#BULLETPROOF
rach-o watched most of the game with me in the trubbbbbbbroom just to sweat my bought action… i watch enough the league to know the next step is her flicking beans in the driveway….
#NOTBAD
damnit)(&#%)(&#^)&(! #OURLOTINLIFE)(&#!%)&(!)#&(*!#^*)(OUTOUTOTUTOUITOUITUO!%
But I’ll still fight with this 34 before I reload.
Yeah, and I wonder how much these fools are down. My ranking says I am $501.33. Real life I am down $14.07.
You had a good run. Got ol’ Kolby out of there and you were BALLLLLLLLLLLLLIN.
tom green just let me know, on the harland williams, harland highway podcast, that a new large species of monkey was “discovered”
#racinezoologicalsocietypromotesthis
that’s what i’m saying… and technically, you owe 50% taxes on all your “winnings”… so you owe $250 on top of your $14.
#THANKSBILLFRIST
I built a line up around Tampa because errrone beats on the Saints.
I had Freeman at QB (350 3td), Vincent Jackson at WR (270 2 TD) and their dumb RB (a TD and some change). This lineup also included the Patriots TE (2 TD) and Jordy.
But 4 min before kickoff packer prides SURGED through my balls and I cxled the bunch of em for Rodgers, Jones, Jermichael, and Alex Goddmaned Green.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRTS!
america is broke as fuck and done with. might as well put all your money in FB facebook stock on NASDAQ.
#EQUALBET
i don’t bet on jordy and corn money because of packer pride…. packer pride forced me to know that betting on jordy and corn money was right….. if i followed every team as close i would be unstoppable…. i’m busy dominating koreans in LoL… hollar in 2 weeks.
cal, i already have the snapping turtle ready for the scientist to turn mutant…
so, the packers have a G+ account… whenever possible i first post those fuckers with “#JORDY”, and the asshats at packer HQ keep deleting my comments.
yeah, assholes… all those other posts of “awesome game” “way to go rodgers and nelson” were so much more valuable. social media is a worthless tool of the worthless that makes anything associated with it worth less.
you think you can silence me, buttpackers? dangerous move, homie.
#HATERSGETDEALTWITH
That recent uwgb graduate working a post-deleter internship must pay.
Fucking pos intern. They should hire cal. He is the kind of intern who gets shit done.
Cal, have you considered taking legal action against your boss? Maybe forming an intern union and fighting for pay? How many dudes in your office actually get paid, like what percentage? Are the paids and the not paids buddies? Are you working in a white collar sweat shop? When is the last time you did a wheelie on you fixie? When is the last time you ordered Chinese food? How much should I tip delivery drivers? Should it be a fixed percentage of the bill or a standard tip… $5 ok? How is the weather in sf this time of year? Are you wearing a scarf for fashion or utility? What about the walruses? Are they still in the harbor or did they move? Is Greg doing ok? I see the tight end on his fantasy team went down, season ender–do you think he wants Gates? I also have Tate, fosters handcuff: perhaps a package deal, TE + RB for one of his WR: Thomas or Austin? What else is new with you? Hatewise, what are you hating? I saw a movie this morning on showtime-women and some juggler in sf loved a lady; he told her “Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing”– do you agree? At one point he juggled fire– good idea or bad idea? Final question: what is your take on flax seed?
List answer, preferred.
juggling fire is like the easiest thing to juggle, and totally safe. you can catch the fire, no phase. the hardest AND most dangerous thing to juggle is broken bottles… also the least impressive….
#JUGGLERSDILEMA
also, cal, please explain this
jailed for 7 years for not predicting an earthquake???
cal, if you make it dubbin’ this year, this will be waiting for you
rach-o just spent more money on a new bed than any other single thing in our house cost. when i yelled at her, she said i should “feel lucky” because of how much she could have spent, but didn’t…. and also that it’s a “good investment”……
i am so dumb.
i forgot all about that lucrative used bed market)*(&!#%&)*(!#%)&*(#$^*()$@^&*(!#%&*(!#%&*(!#%*()
An investment in comfort.
#cushionforthepushin
turn off one-click man!! stop the maddness! like what I did there? my problem is not DVD it’s stabby knives. i dont’ even have one click but i can’t stopppppppppppppp GO GIANTS!!!!!! BEAT PRINCE!
just bought anohter…
http://www.amazon.com/Rough-Rider-Knives-Rifleman-Series/dp/B003SPXXJO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1350967886&sr=8-1&keywords=rough+rider+rifleman+series
i like the little gun on this chinese knife. also the irony of it. #idon’thaveajob
take action… no they are the government so they can exploit me. private industry isn’t allowed. need to pay at least min wage. that would be awesome. #notkidding. sorry i have been away from whazzmaster for awhile i am working my way up this thread.
whoa just realize i haven’t posted about THE PEACH. what do you think my peach story will be? I will give you only one hint: emergency room. please extrapolate.
omg so many other questions… wheelie? greg? i will answer but i need to sleep. early morning unpaid meeting. hey how is yahoo paying out? or did you answer that above? ok THE PEACH. what happened with THE PEACH?
this website is fucked…. cal broke it.
FLAGLYL!)*&%#)(*&!#%
Very good article. I definitely love this site. Keep it up!