Dubuque Downer

It was a mehhhhhh time in Dubuque in 2013. Did we have fun? Yes. Did we have some interesting new (or returning) characters? Yes. But did I win any money? No. I lost. A lot.

Thankfully wwhazz wasn’t kicked out of the casino this year, but we did witness an innovative new way to handle obnoxious poker players. After an hour or two of Scientist’s table banter, the poker room manager informed him (via an old, tiny waitress) that he could have another drink ONLY if he drank an entire bottle of water in front of them first. A couple of things here:

  • Scientist bottoms-upped the thing and chugged it while staring them down…
  • …but then proceeded to dump some in Timmer’s scotch. Timmer, being involved in a hand at the time, didn’t notice until later.
  • Also, I was way drunker than anyone at the table but because I kept quiet they just kept feeding me Crown & Cokes.

I was pretty much never ahead except for that first poker game, though I lost everything on the end when Scientist bluffed my ass off and I gave him most of my money. Things went downhill from there: bad craps, bad roulette, bad blackjack, etc.

Wwhazz did have a very interesting idea to try to get into the Al Capone suite at the Julian next year and find Joe to run some games there. So go to Dubuque, but don’t go to any casinos. “Why go to Dubuque then?” you ask. “Two reasons,” I respond, “Paul’s Tavern and Funiculars.”

I saw on Snapchat that Scientist burned old Greenie in the backyard? Why? I don’t understand all of the gobbledygook you people are talking about in the comments. Is Greenie-burning because you lost at the Fantasy Whatever? Or because Rogers sat on his balls and didn’t come back this week? I don’t get it.

Kid Disco yesterday was interesting; I liked the nachos, bloody mary’s, and watching children slowing turn into sleeping pumpkins by jumping up and down in front of a bubble machine for two hours.

239 thoughts on “Dubuque Downer

  1. whazzman, you don’t understand how voodoo works????? what do you normally do on sundays?

    i feel like i’m carrying this entire packers organization on my shoulders… no complaining at all, i’m extremely strong, and quantum displacement is sorta my thing, but JESUS. some of you IDIOTS need to step up to the plate sometime.


  2. yeah, that disco party looked way fun. the bubble machine was key to my thugggggggg mansion raves… also, drugs.

  3. i prayed much to my lord and savior jordy christ. i shaved off my st00pid rodgeresque mustache. that BS is DONE. i switched chaw brands to phil. the energy levels in our mouths will synchronize and i will eat his winning energy from within. ol’ greeny has been hobbling around for TOO LONG. fading colors, small holes, no super bowls for years. #FIRE

    this all seems so obvious to me. GET ON BOARD.

  4. also, i don’t remember bluffing you… my blackout happened right about the time i got dosed with that fake water.

    maybe it was the antidote for the hotdog…. “HOLY SHIT!!! HE ATE ONE!!! THAT KID IS GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!! GET HIM THE ANTIDOTE”

    either way, that is my last clear memory before sitting with timmer in the middle of the night. i don’t even like BJ much, but those late night runs have been a large part of my wins the last couple years. many thanks to wwwwhazzzz and timmer somehow getting me there and back.

  5. This is my all time favorite yahoo fantasy “protip” note:
    “Dez Bryant said he left the field before the clock ran out during Sunday’s loss to the Packers because he didn’t want to cry on the sideline.”

  6. i was crying right along with dez…. go ahead and force 2 knees instead of 1… but if you do that, ATTACK THE BALL.

    every since baby manning cried about the D breaking the “unwritten rule”, no one attacks the knee anymore. it’s dumb. if no one is going to attack, just let the offense say “knee” and be done with it. same with spiking the ball on big 1st downs… so much depends on the ref getting their tired old asses down field to place the ball and get out of the way…. just let the QB say “spike” and be done with it.

    also, let the players wear steel toe shoes and kick each other in the nads.

  7. this one…

    no clue how anyone could be mad about a team doing the only (legal) thing they could to win.

    fuck eli, fuck peyton, fuck the NFL.


  8. i’m almost convinced that timmer reverse timmered me and was slipping me green chips all night. i don’t remember winning, but i do remember shoving big stacks many times. was jerrilium there??????? HOW WOULD I KNOW?#@%!*(&!#%)(&*

  9. i had a winning team. crabtree was heating up… “i’ll save him for the championship”, said an idiot. i don’t think this pain will go away until next year.

  10. You did some impressive voodoo. The beard crop circles and the greenie funeral pyre—you harnessed the power of steel and fire. You made the Packers win and the Lions lose. And you summoned a legendary effort from your fantasy team. Only when you meddled with your mortal hand did things go awry. You clicked the mouse and sent this text:

    “I put in Simpson. Going for the murder vibe”

  11. I was looking for a way to blame Peapods for putting me on the Jamal Charles side of the bracket based on her regular season finale mess up—but had she won and put me on the other side, I would have lost by one point to outlawz last week. I was dead no matter what.

  12. Why all the kicker hate? Justin Tucks got me 20 points last night! #fifthplaceisthenewfirst #whoneedsatightend


    now, it’s the only thing i hear.

  14. i learned valuable lessons this year.

    don’t take shit and try to make a shit sandwich.
    don’t rely on murder.
    mccarthy sucks.

  15. the local amish are trying to get the building codes to not apply to them.

    it sure would help if cal was around to fight with us. he could run REAL marathons. “YO! THEY ARE COMING!!!!!!!”


  16. look…. i’done kept’t REAL since the jump.
    whazzin’ on the low, postin rants when i’m drunk…
    balls spinnin’ on my home rig…
    playin’ as the house, make a million on the vig (WHAZZ!)
    uncle callin lookin for a gaaame….
    i said i’d spot him 10, then we both laid out a twank (WHAZZ!)


  17. i was watching jeff garlin’s new movie “dealin’ with idiots” last night…. the cast is jam packed with every current improv superstar. the movie is pretty good…. and just as i was thinking all this, SARAYU jumps on stage and gives it to garlin good.

    fucking SAUL GOODMAN was in the cast. man. she’s a superstar.

    i hope i get to hang with her again and talk about something other than child actor agents or the rules to shut the box.

  18. Are you the imdb guy who posted on the message boards “I met her in RL” or “I would tandoori her chicken?”

  19. Anytime someone in our house yells “sarayu is on tv” everything is dropped.

    Was she one of the secret women of color interviewees on snl or not the right color?

  20. no… i only feel like i’m stalking her.

    it was really trippy though… seriously the thoughts in my head were about jeff garlin and how it pulled this cast together… EVERY SINGLE ACTOR is a SUPERSTAR. which was funny because the scene before it was him talking to someone as he’s playing himself and straight faced describing himself as one of the top 20 working comedians. he was confident. he probably used that same rap. just then, BOOM. SARAYU, and my head goes “yessssssssssssssssss” and she shines. blew my mind. had no clue she was in it… netflix said “watch this”, i said “ok”

  21. wait…. are you the imdb guy who posted on the message boards “I met her in RL” or “I would tandoori her chicken?”

  22. You need to curb your enthusiasm, bro.

    Netflix told me to watch Frances Ha. It’s a total cal movie. I bet he saw it in the theatre after yoga class, that no kid free time having fuck.

    It was really good. A less slutty Girls. The girl’s crazy ejaculating boyfriend is in it and everything.

  23. It’s news to me that Sarayu is in that movie. Pods too. She’s never mentioned Jeff Garlin. We have submitted an inquiry, but it is early on the West Coast, so an answer will likely be delayed.

  24. I wonder if that dog can sniff out rape.

    Sarayu has informed us that she didn’t tell anyone because she had only the one line and just did it as a favor for her friend, Jeff Garlin.

  25. that makes the sense… it felt everyone was doing the movie as a favor… like get all the great people together and make some art. ORRRRRRR garlin is connected to all that jew money and just paid top dollar to get all the top talent… not really sure, but that cast was solid. it had lots of people from the improv crews that make tons of movies, but just a few from each crew, so at the game it does feel like a collection of people that are sorta connected, but not really…. just like at a real kids little league team.

    sarayu was basically the climax of the movie… jeff was getting really full of himself, but in a seemingly correct and informed matter, then S-YUzzle tore him down MASTERFULLY. she’s really great.

    netflix said i should watch “21&over” last night… there is a sorority scene where 2 girls paddle the main characters in an underground tribunal, and one of those girls looked just like her too, but i didn’t see her in the credits.

    i haven’t caught that doctor show yet… is it even on?

  26. buying police dogs for cities you don’t live in is the ultimate dick move.

    i’m supposed to let a FUCKING BEAST have authority over me?? shoot it in the face.

  27. 1. Dr. Show is cxl. I watched it but didn’t really like it. But I don’t like Dr. shows. More like, Jess watched it. I only stopped what I was doing for Sarayu and Marsellus Wallace scenes. I am hoping to one day have texting access to Mr. Wallace and this, though still unlikely, is the path of least resistance.

    2. Ultimate dick move. Fuck the dog police.

  28. after the rape, they billed her $6,000… rape aint free, bitch. the dog said to bill you. we do whatever the dog says. the dog rules.

  29. “sorority paddle girl” is probably something you don’t want on your credits… or maybe you do… #RANGE

  30. Cal is out for the medallion hunt.

    He can play ziggy. Id still like to make it up for a little digging.

  31. she moved to the big girl bed pretty soon after she started jumping out of her crib on the reg.

    i stay up way later than rach-o, so the only problem is the hwk sometimes wanders into our room and hops in the giant bed with her and i have to move her back.

    i’d really like to lock her in her room from the outside, but i’m pretty sure a few firemen would be very mad with me, and it’s pretty fucked up psychologically to lock someone in a box.

  32. in middle school, my teacher locked me in a closet and then went and got another teacher and they peered in through the tiny window in the door pointing and laughing. i wrote “you’re both bitches” in the dust on the shelves and pointed to it. they stormed in 5 minutes later and i wiped the evidence clean. i’ve been planning their ritual executions ever since… leaving them to teach middle school is part of the torture.

  33. i could probably sue the school board for a few mil… any of you law fags want the case? if not, you’re all bitches.

  34. yo cal, can i at least get an excuse?? money doesn’t count… there is $10,000 JUST SITTING OUT THERE.

  35. the LAX crew is having a drunko reunion in the crizzz in january… i changed the weekend to the 18th so i would be available to dig.

    if i found the puck, i might just keep it and see what happens. let the hoards of idiots keep digging forever. like i need 10 Gs… i can’t leave my house without coming up a handful of folds.

  36. if you can get a baby sitter and want to party on 3rd street with 5 other couples (swinging has not been officially ruled out)… then hop the train, CHARLIE.

  37. just when i was ready for bed… showtime beckons with “girls gone dead” starring jerry lawler and ron jeremy.


  38. i made it through about 8 minutes. no boners. just tired. went to bed. didn’t see jerry lawler even though he was the #1 credit…. just a scam to lure wrestling fans.

    to their credit, they spread money out to 50 top tier hookers. the acting was hilarious if you’re in the right mindset. the st00pid hookers thought they were artists. silly hookers.

  39. i’ve tried all season to get people to come to my house and experience my media art installation and gaze upon life sized jordys flying around a room full of majik.

    the game is as important as ever. my guest room and other guest room, both with queen sized beds fit for a gay king, are as empty as ever. come. eat. drink. indulge in 140″ of dik in yo face.

    please? my quantum abilities are limited to available living human energies… let my exploit you while you indulge my psychosis, you enabling queer. you suck. let’s be best friends.


  40. my sister in law is in a few fucked up situation and is considering legal action instead of parental responsibility if anyone wants to get sloppy with an insurance case.

    she put morphine in a 6lb premie and thinks she has a case because the pharmacy gave her a more concentrated dose supposedly, but the same dose was given 3 times a day since saturday and there wasn’t a problem until tuesday. real sketchy. i was holding the baby for about 30 minutes and it was breathing real hard… like gasps every 10 seconds, but it was doing that immediately when it was handed to me, and it was a premie that just got out of ICU a week ago, so i just rolled with it and tried to bounce around to keep the air flowing. i even joked with someone, “you’re not going to die on my watch! *joking chest compressions*” i handed the baby to the mom on the couch and 10 minutes later baby turned blue. merry christmas.

  41. i don’t know anything about medicine other than the belief that i know everything, but giving a 6lb anything morphine to come off methadone to come off whatever else seems excessive, and likely a treatment of least resistance. if you don’t give it to them, the baby is probably going to cry for 2 weeks straight… the parents are going to breakdown and probably be calling the doctor constantly… ugg… dealing with patients. just take some fucking morphine and sleep it off. STOP BOTHERING ME.

    i’m the worst person in the world.



  42. it seems like a “there is no good answer” situation, so they went with the best bad answer instead of the least bad good answer….. but hey, i thought you said there were no good answers…. well, fuck you. there is blue baby. deal with that. nurture.

    even if their case is 100% solid, the insurance company is going to point out over and over that the drug was administered by the mom and paint her ultimately as the bad guy. she would flip out in court and go to jail on contempt… but then again, she works as a jailer, so maybe the judge would just default the case and grant her $3M… ugg… maybe i am playing life completely wrong.

    then again, i have trubbbbbbbbbbs…..


  43. what’s the deal with the habush shop? what happened to davis? dead? beef? did rottier bang his wife??? is davis even a d00d??? i just assumed he was… i did it again… sorry. ally mcbeal taught me better.

  44. yo cal, fly out here saturday and fly back thursday. i’ll pay the whole way using wwwwzzzz fantasy blood money. bro… i got blackout dates. yes or no.

  45. Is the baby ok? Very scary. I operate in a state of functional denial that nothing bad can ever happen to my kids.

  46. i killed a mouse today.

    non-victorian, but a perfect kill. rach-o asked me 1000 times what to buy and i told her definitively exactly what to buy, then she went to target and bought the 1 thing they had. the traps with a big plastic yellow cheese looking thing.

    pretty sure thats the one i saw in the trubbbbroom a while ago, but we saw some turds and he was dead by next sundown. jessie james, bitch.

  47. rach-o reminded everyone that i was born blue, and i owned it and said that i was basically avatar, with an extreme prejudice against whites.


  48. I shut down my mouse operations. No action in the house for a long time, and my garage traps stopped snapping… but a few days ago I found a forgotten trap in the garage and there was a rodent in it. No idea how long ago it happened. Maybe I’ll start up again.

    If I went blue collar, my top two choices would be plumber or exterminator. Plumbing is the only household utility that I even remotely understand (shout out to the hojo). I’ve taken care of bees, snakes, and mice. In Lake chuck, I had some experience with a rat, some roaches, and geckos. Please holler at me if you need a consult.

  49. we got 3 yesterday. pretty sure that’s all of them.

    one of them was in the trubbbbbbroom at 3am… on the tiny ledge on top of my cement basement walls…. right above my head…. SNAP… then a mouse flying over my head. real fun way to have a heart attack.

  50. take everything you know about plumbing, flip it and reverse it, now you know about electricity.

  51. amy adams gives my boner a boner

    physical reaction. she’s basically a drug. totally understand what those oil sheiks in the sand dunes are thinking with the burkas. if you’re going to live in a country that criminalizes induced physical reaction through things like narcotics, then not forcing women to cover up would be hypocritical.

  52. not ultimate source, but intermediaries… i’m taking the risky move of sealing the jefferies t00bs behinds the cupboards under the sink. hopefully i don’t trap them in there to rot for 1000 years.

    1 more dead today. we bought out the county on victors… very sad to see victor was also going CHEESY, but still way better than the tergit brand. also, the family hardware store that sells the victors doesn’t take credit cards, so no chance of some evil minnesota based corporation to facilitate the distribution of your credit card information to THE WORLD.

    gold, bro. get on board.

    higher education in 30 years will ONLY accept gold as tuition. hopefully enough of your family members got you a token when you were born. custom 1 oz gold coins. the FUTURE.


  53. packers fan fiction… obvious win this week. fast forward to seahawks… rodgers rolls out and throws the ball away directly at russel will.am.son’s face, then creates a kreiger wave WITH HIS MIND, and the ball leaves scarce evidence of russel ever having to have had a head.

    jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td. jordy… td.

    end of 1st quarter

  54. My fan fiction for the Bears game today:

    Hester receives the opening kickoff and his foot falls off; fumble, recovery, touchdown. Bears first possession: Raji and Jolly flush Cutler, then fall on him and break his collarbone. On 2nd down they do the same thing to McCown. On third down they do the same thing to Palmer. Bears punt and Packers return for TD. Every subsequent Bears possession features Forte at quarterback running the wildcat and taking sacks for 15 yd losses. Packers win 145-0.

  55. Pods and I saw American Hustle last week. I don’t remember a scene where Amy Adams wasn’t wearing a skimpy top, though she maybe wore a coat at one point. I began to think it was a running gag or an attempt to distract the audience from the holes in the plot. Pods had to give an “ok, this is too much” laugh/semi-snort at one particularly ridiculous shirt.

    A decent movie. Good acting made up for the aforementioned plot holes. Louis CK is in it too. He keeps trying to tell Bradley Cooper a story about ice fishing that Cooper never lets him finish. The incredible amounts of side boob either add to or detract from the movie — viewer’s choice.

  56. i really liked the bears fan fiction… among the best humanity has ever chosen to transcribe. i especially liked the kafkaesque interlude about the role of an ankle in keeping a foot attached to a leg.

  57. whazzmaster.com: a kafkaesque interlude about the role of an ankle in keeping a foot attached to a leg.

  58. AMC… I SURRENDER. i’ll cook your meth. whatever. just release your grasp on me.

    so angry at the advertisers that made this possible. HEY! life alert… YOU FUCKS. yes, every time i watched the same “i’ve falled and i can’t get up” ad that was running 25 years ago, i get a little sad knowing that old lady is long gone… but now they have a new old lady… and she doesn’t even look old. total hack job. RAGE)&!#%&*()!#%)*(!#^)(*!^#)(*^!

    and cancer treatment centers of america… YOU FUCKS… zumba class lady? could you do anything else to ruin zumba classes???? are you in the pocket of big jazzercize? RAGE)(!&#%&)(!#%&)(#!^&*()!#^)*(&!#^

    hey, eharmony, guy… YOU FUCK. if you’re so pro-marriage, then why do you keep begging me to find someone else????? also, you’re queer… not in a gay way, but in a gay queer way. RAGE)&(*!#%)&(#!)&(!#^)(&*!#^)&*(!#^)&*(!#^)&*(!^#

    STRIPPED SCREW REMOVAL TOOL?!#)&!#%)&!%#8079)!#%)(&*!#^)(&*!#^)&*(

    ok, the bad is back.

  59. Re: the commercial where the black dudes get scared because Jerry Jones gets in their elevator

    Maddd shared that they are not scared of Jones… The looks they give each other are meant to say “oh shit. We have to kill him.”


  60. well… i can see how you got to that conclusion… but i more meant that they were overwhelmed with the knowledge that “NOW IS OUR CHANCE TO KILL HIM” even though common decency will kick in and probably prevent that from actually happening. the “NEED” comes from “NOW OR NEVER”.

    but, then again, that reaction might have been one of “this idiot actually got in with us”, and they were there on a paid hit by rex ryan’s foot pimp. “THIS IS GOING TO BE EASIER THAN WE THOUGHT…”


  61. i’m watching the AdvoCare pyramid marketing scheme bowl. they sell you the ability to sell the ability to sell their energy drinks. why would someone drink gatorade or powerade or redbull or monster or WATER when you could have a refreshing ADVOCARE MARKETING SPORTS DRINK.

    amway. bernie madoff.

    fitting that boston college is playing in the bowl. what a 2 bit flunko “college”. so full of themselves, but they are SHIT. FULL OF SHIT. oxford wants me, but i think i’ll go to boston college, FOR THE FOOTBALL PROGRAM. suck my wang. i’m sure those student loans will be easy to pay off on a middle school teachers salary. enjoy your illusion of grandeur. the campus smells like rotting bread and piss.

  62. the illusion morphs into high caliber projectiles the longer you stare at it… you just have to let your eyes lose focus and imagine cals shriveling wiener as he scours the frozen city for DREAMS.

  63. no one has any reason to harm jerry jones… he spends a billion dollars to suck. he got a QB named romo just to cash in on a michelle obama grant to promote homoism. buy the biggest tv? i can respekt that.


  64. yeah, their reaction is 100% “holy shit, that is the guy that owns the biggest tv)&*!#)&!^#)(&#^!)&(!#”

    “HE COULD KILL US!!!!^&*(!#%&*(!&(*!#%^*&(!^(&*!^”

    in the elevator? doubtful. he’s just punking you. why are you in the building??? just to see jerry? big fans? YOU DID IT!

  65. Where did you get the Lord Calvert lure in that snapchat… taped to a bottle of Lord, I’m sure. Shit, that thing is SWEET.

    Madison is a real bitch when it comes to lord C. Last week Reid was over and Lord Squirt was requested. I went to three shops and no lord. On my third trip, I called ahead and they said they had it… I got there and they had some shit just called Calvert. I had fears of a rebrand but google told me that Calvert is just some other big plastic bottle brand whiskey. It was decent for mixing but lacked that je ne sais quoi.

  66. Did any of you add bunker on snapchat? He’s a reliable source of interesting snaps: wild turkeys, snowbanks, tiger meat, dog fighting videos, etc.

  67. yeah, terrible… the only girl in a bikini was flanked with cameramen, “THIS IS THE SHOT! NOW OR NEVER!”… should have chosen never. #gross

  68. not sure where i got the lord calvert lure… christmas miracle. i remember showing it to someone and later realizing that they were probably the person that gave it to me.

    lord calvert is legit. they do it right. it not some scam dollar brand that just sprays some brown corn syrup in bathtub swill and calls it whiskey. canadians do it right. their workforce isn’t littered with obama handout babies that can’t take care of themselves.

    my sister was hyping the hell out of some new whiskey made near their house… some guy “patented” a process to take a giant steel whiskey still with an agitator in it, and just dump in a bunch of wood planks. supposedly they can get the same taste as a 10 year barrel aged in a month. i had a swig… it seemed ok. i’d rather have lord…

    got a bottle of kinnickinnic whickey from greate lakes distillery. we’ll see. what bother competing? you’re going to make a better whiskey than lord for $9 for 1.75 litres???? just give up. do something useful with your life.

  69. i didn’t add bunker… i’ve replayed the conversation where he gave out his username a million times, but the critical info is missing. best i can guess: tiger78

  70. i don’t trust the new whiskey technique… the wood flavor is the biproduct of the alcohol interacting with the wood for several years. other things are happening other than adding flavor. things that i fear take time. the flavor might be perfect, but am i going to get a hangover? is the taste smooth throughout from touching the lips to flushing the tongue and mouth? is the aftertaste pure? i just fear the shortcut.

    same as the whack cheese flunkos putting annatto seeds in their SHIT to turn it orange so it looks like the great cheese made from fat cows eating nothing but prairie grass. you want orange cheese??? HEY LOOK! OURS IS ORANGE TOO!


  71. for all i know lord calvert is just bathtub swill will the perfect amount of flavored brown corn syrup. also gross to let alcohol interact with plastics. molecules be fuckin. same reason i don’t put any plastics in the microwave. “microwave-safe plastic”…. YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. 1 crazy deformation of a plastic molecule fusing with a food molecule to create PLAQUE that will pile up in my system is NOT COOL. same reason i hate those plastic cup coffee makers. i still have one. i even use it sometimes. push button espresso should be illegal. CAL?!#%(*)&!%#)(&!#%)(&*!#()*!#^% WHAT. THE. FUCK.

    wifey has to work this saturday. come play house dad. packers play sunday. fun on bun. #STONECOLDSERVED

  72. didn’t see that gestapo border fucks one. those guys need to be cut in half and left out to dry. bunch of god damn cowards.

    i was too busy reading up on contempt of court law…. there is no due process… you are deemed to “hold the keys” to your cell as a judge can force anything upon you. take everything you own, lock you up forever without ever officially charging you as the “process” for due process in a contempt charge is “unpublished”.

    fucking phantom laws and nazi fucks doing whatever they can to erode personal freedom. give them what they fear. give them hell.


  73. i truly the believe that the only reason i’m not fucked with is because those that do the fucking know that i fucking bite hard, and NEVER let go. if more people were like me, there would be less of a reason to be like me…. until then: vindictive asshole.


  74. it is somewhat boring being SO prepared and never getting to use my iodine pills…


  75. The Nasty Bros do important work exploring the sexual politics of the underrepresented such as the girls who work in the Little Caesars inside K-Mart.

  76. And speaking of cal… he told me that his NYE resolution was to post on wm EVERYDAY in 2014. So far, 0-2.

    He’s defaulting, bro.

  77. Here is the exact text:

    “my new years resolution is to whazz every day btw”

    Hmmmmmm… maybe he is playing whazz?

  78. taking the francis ha tip…

    “you can’t listen to music on a motorcycle…”

    “but you’re on a motorcycle….”

    i remember what fun was like.

  79. actually netflix partnered with the NSA with whatever shadow organization runs this webblogsite, and already knew that you dropped the reco… the PS3 netflix app basically starts up with “WATCH THIS, SUCKA!”, and sir francis HA! was the suggestion. taken.

  80. marc maron’s podcast is on the top of everyone one of those “HEY! WE TRACK YOU! YOU’LL LIKE THIS!” lists, but i shun it just for that reason. you know what tracking software, YOU’RE WRONG. you’re wrong because i say you’re wrong. #NEO

    i’m halfway through episode 2 of “Maron”, the tv show about the podcast, and way way wya way sad that i’ll be up until all hours coding interpretive language parsers to teach the robots how to teach because I CANT STOP WATCHING MARON.

    he goes to a hardware store and geeks out about a garbage disposal with 1HP and 3 grind stages. mother fucking NSA biting my steeeeze. selling it to hollywood jews. typiCAL.

  81. “this thing doesn’t dispose of food….. IT EATS AND DIGESTS IT(*!&#%(*&!#%)(&*!#%”

    in-sink-erator is the regime. GE: just stop. everyone else: stop. lord calvert and in-sink-erator. whiskey and garbage disposals are done. move on.

  82. thinking about a whazz strike until cal comes back… that might be just what he wants though.

  83. who will your new master be?

    Raymond Cross, chancellor of the UW Colleges and Extension; Peter Garland, executive vice chancellor of the Pennsylvania State System of Higher Education; and Robert King, president of the Kentucky Council on Postsecondary Education.

    nothing says education like kentucky… and nothing says tertiary like postsecondary. i hope that guy wins. idiots are the best. GO TO COLAGE AND BEE A GENIOUS!(!^#%

  84. they’ve been through madison and minneapolis… i’ve been trying to go. it just isn’t going to happen. same as beastie boys. ricky is going to die after he gets married to some floozy tibetan. no more shows.

    fly to northwest canada in the middle of february…. seems like a good enough idea. better than going outside this monday. projected HIGH is -15.

  85. i thought numskull from the luniz was the chancellor of extension… raymond cross will be bringing rap beef with him… probably not worth it.

    so smart money says Peter (Judy) Garland is the winner by default.

    who wants action? it’s only your livelihood at stake… the the karing kocks will always be there to hand out pizza pies, though, so it really doesn’t matter.

  86. Cross was in nam.

    Plus, the last great leader was the dude who had cross’ job before he had it.

    I’d prob go cross.

  87. cal said he was back on the kodiak. almost positive he was lying and just razzing me with his lurker knowledge, but that didn’t stop me from ending up at a gas station and re-upping my kodiak supply.

  88. watched a really fun episode of MTV true life about young people coming into money… 1 of the guys was a jersey guido that won $1,000 a week for life off a $5 scratch ticket. he immediately took all his bros down to south beach to do SHOTSSHSHOTSSHOTSSHOTSSHSHOTSSHOTS and blow 10 G balls. then, he met with a bunch of financial planners who laughed off his idea to make 2 milly in rental real estate. after lottery fees, he takes a lump sum of 32 Gs a year. he thinks he balls hard. his friends are mooching hard. he is so poor.

  89. i have high projections for 2015 cal. like, he PROBABLY won’t suck as much. almost guaranteed. as certain as i can be that the amount he sucks will be less.

    i hope his 2015 welcome back post begins with his confirmed travel itinerary for medallion hunting, as well a SOULFUL apology about missing the previous year.


  90. the other guys on the MTV show were the guys that got 2nd and 3rd in the WSOP main event this past year and now they’re roommates and travel together and back each other in tourneys with their girlfriends.

    i especially liked the beef about staking the girlfriends in 10k events.

    he moves her back to vegas and gets her enrolled in dance classes. smart move.

    he busted in the main event this year in 90 minutes, but still made $250,000 profit from staking someone else.

    i’m sorry, poker. i’ve neglected you. i hope you’re doing ok. i just don’t have time. it’s probably for the best. let the fish get big. i’m come harvest once in a while. i promise. just text me.

  91. i am 100% confident i could beat cal in a pants-off-dance-off to madonna’s “music”

    also, i appreciate what she did with vogueing… but she was basically making fun of it… that isn’t what it really is… nobody knows THE TRUTH*()&!#^)&!#^)&*^!)&(!^#()&*

    i swear i like chicks.


  92. catch this psychosis: as much as i’m convinced that trotting out in the forest was the DUMBEST thing we could have done, it thus becomes the BEST hiding place for next year. ye ol’ poker conundrum. the GIG-JIG is UP. YOU PEE. UP. i need to visit those trees. they will tell me about vistors leaving treasures. we’re tight.

  93. when is the medallion getting hidden? have thefuckerkids on the forum analyzed the hide videos over the past few years?? do they always drive the same van?? the fact that they were taking a bunch of pictures as they hid it made me believe that the park wasn’t picked in advance and all the clues were written after the fact. i doubt that is true though. maybe. i just want to set up surveillance around the newspaper office and follow any car with 4+ people in it. a camera guy would be a giveaway, but news teams go out for shoots all the time. at the paper i worked for, the main camera guy always drove alone though, and i think the camera guy in last years video hopped back in the van with them. i gotta believe they know they need to be tricky, but people are lazy…

  94. the irony of silva “the spider” breaking one of his legs just hit me…. HE HAS 7 SPARES)*&!%)&*(!#%)&*(!)*(&^#


  95. You have to think like a law monkey– they don’t want trouble. I think it will always be somewhere that can handle 10,000 crazed hunters. The big old last night cluster fuck is a tradition. It can’t be near some asshole’s lawn or near dangerous cliffs and ice (where we wasted hours last year).

    I think your mind is going a step too far here. Stop with the hobo camps and off the trial trips.

    RE: the hiding videos

    They seem to be a one man show. Some dipshit with an iphone or handheld takes a walk, drops it, walks away silently. I think every attempt to stake it out and all of the conspiracy theories have been done to death in the chatrooms and on that stupid medallion hunting video I watch each year like 10 times.

  96. Hobo camps and off the trail weirdo spots are good places to hide medallions and toothbrushes of varying quality… I grant you that.

    But I don’t think they fit for this game.

    When do you want me to come up? The last weekend like last time or try and get there the last Wednesday and Thursday night? Midweek is a bitch for childcare and work, but I can try to make it work. Do you think we will hand w cal’s mom?

  97. i think cal’s mom palling around with her daughter cal’s friends would just remind her that her son loves something else more than he loves to DIG.

  98. the HWK pooped in the tub for the first time ever… she said it was, “nasty”.

    nice adjective, bro.

  99. Our two big events yesterday:

    1. I was in the fridge replacing the water filter and Pi came up behind me and took off with a stick of butter. I didn’t notice at first, later saw her eating something. I asked what it was and she very plainly told me, “butter.” She was taking big old bites of it.

    2. Poor parky hit his claw on the cold, cold cement and the entire claw came off all the way to the pad. It was a bloody horror show. I had to build a special cage with our fireplace gate and jess had to make a compression bandage and wrap that with weird brown sticky gauze and then wrap that in an old sock. Good thing she is a nurse with a bunch of special supplies like chemiCALS to prep for surgery and such. He’s still in his cage but the wound looks ok.

  100. certified madddddddd scientists keep the tools around too.

    just saw “the kin” on conan and i’m way into it. such a cal band to like. UGG.


  101. fuck… just reread my cal SLAM…. i did it right and called him “daughter” once… but then i fucked up and said “son”.

    he is a gurl. a gorgeous lady. many talents. let him wave at you in parades. BOOM. #CAREER

  102. do you have any idea how much witch hazel i have?? volume discounts, bro. STUPID not to take advantage.

    cal, i’d like to commission you to take your tin survival kit concepts and grow them to the size of a small cabinet. ship a quote, #HOLMES

  103. or, if you’re up to it… an entire 4×8′ teardrop camper with built in survival kit.

    i got cash.

  104. my favorite part is the itemized list…. i imagine in the wild i would take the tiny pencil and cross out “6 iodine pills” and change it to “65 iodine pills”.

    right now i have 3 things on my mind……..
    1) those god damned shock g digital underground humpty hump glasses with certificate of authenticity and signed picture of him wearing them, all framed up. $100 and i said no. jesus christ. WHAT WAS I THINKING?!#@%*(&#^!)&(!^#)*(&!#^)&(!^#

    2) that teardrop camper i let pass… “i’ll find one cheaper”… YEAH FUCKING RIGHT YOU WILL, MORON. HOW ABOUT WAY MORE EXPENSIVE AND WAY WORSE, YOU IDIOT. I AM YOU. YOU FUCK.)(&*%#)&*(!%#)&*(!^#&*()!%^&*()!^*(&!^#

    3) the local guy with a whazz machine in similar shape as mine… giving up and trying to suck all the money he can out of JUNK. well, junk to commercial market, but a scientist with money could fix it. i punk’d him hard. i won so soundly. a whazz enthusiast of the greatest kind. slain…. jesus. i need to reconnect with that guy. show up with a 24 and some circuit boards, “let’s fix that bitch”

    enjoying your lurking in 2014, cal.

    hoping for more lurker run ins. the maddd/wwww poop show is pretty solid (poop joke), but it kind of runs on (poop joke), and sometimes can block things up (poop joke), or just be shitty self examining shit (shit)……….

    cal sucks.

  105. how about this, cal… LAW TALK:

    explain how the judicial branch can operate under “innocent until proven guilty” in a capitalistic economy that dictates “buyer beware”


  106. innocence or evoking of wary. what is the difference? what does $150,000 worth of learning suggest? how many iodine pills do i need to live FOREVER?????????


  107. outside hire doesn’t make sense. cross probably has the PTSD and war mongering syndrome that mccain has.

    what if no one took the joke. what if the job just wasn’t done, and everyone else stepped up to keep things in line? would classes stop being taught? would students stop mailing in tuition checks?

    TAXPAYER REFUND. the job is waste.

  108. be your own boss.

    if the school is taxpayer subsidized and has MASSIVE cash reserves that it adds to EVERY year, even when giant new kohl’s department store basketball courts are made (those years they make the MOST money)… and tuition gets raised every year…. why does anyone care about saving money? why not get a new boss for everyone else’s boss between them and their current boss? that way, whatever they are responsible for is getting done twice as good with twice the oversight. makes a lot more sense to have to tell 12 people you’re out sick instead of 1.

  109. That money thing is more complex than the news makes it seem. It’s not like there is a scrooge mcduck money vault on our campus.

    But whatever, give me $10 on Criss Cross if you are still taking bets.

  110. what would it take to set up a private business that taught english classes where the credits could transfer to the UW system? is it impossible? does an eduX english course transfer?

  111. It would take a fuck ton.

    Accreditation and such. Sheeet, cal’s law school is just barely a real law school. Everyone wants in on the game. What the biz dudes will do is find a shitty small school that is already accredited and buy it, jack the tuition, enroll as many people as possible, and get rich off that student loan money.

    There is a frontline called “College, Inc.” It’s actually really interesting if you have a little time.


  112. If you think that the UW system is breaking you via taxes, you should see what uni of phx and other private schools are doing.

  113. Law school is pretty much the u of phoenix scam these days in terms of schools getting money through student loans. Cal’s tuition was probably close to what it would have been at a top ten law school. How does that make sense?

    The feds will give money to anyone enrolled and seeking any degree. Law schools have taken this and run. Tons of capital improvements, and at schools that aren’t standalone schools, nice kickbacks to the bigger institution.

    All this is enticed by telling people they can get hotshot big money jobs. There were never that many of those and there are even fewer now. Most lawyers are fairly broke.

    Some shit is starting to correct. Univ of Iowa law school decided to slash enrollment. But most schools are still chasing, and some place in Indiana even opened a new school last year.

  114. here’s a whazz pro tip, any time you see me use the word “taxpayer”, just be quiet and smile, and get ready to read some grade-A MUCKRAKING.

    i’m supposed to bitch about the system taking my money when that system itself generates and defends value to that very money???

    paying taxes is a joke. you want some of your coinbucks back??? here. what’s the exchange rate on stanley nickels to unicorns?

    all money is an illusion, but the dollar is the twingalaxies of illusions. if you want in, suck their diks dipped in BBQ sauce.

    i can’t imagine a country that wouldn’t accept cal with open arms… just to laugh with him about all the debt he left uncle sam. japan seems obvious. #SWIM

  115. i invented a new GRIFT… tic tac toe based… step 1: find a MARK

    explain you’ll wager $20 on a game of tic-tac-toe, where a tie means you lose. 1 rule change, you’ll surrender center square to the MARK when he goes for his first time, but then you get to go twice…. you explain that it’s no different than if you had gone first and didn’t take center and then let him take center and got to go again… basically surrendering center position, and paying off the bet on a tie. that’s a can’t say no bet. #BOOKED

    ah… but the rub she rubs, lady man. you say, “OK, i get to go first.” you take the corner. you called dibs. there is no higher law. MARK takes center and you fill out the trifecta. #WIN

    the mark is mad… but the law is the law, and a bet is a bet. and is is a word in a sentence that begins and ends with and. #PAYME

  116. i’m watching “gothem comedy live” on AXXSSXSXSSS TV…

    a d00d basically just totally ripped off my jake from state farm rant. he went with “3 IN THE MORNING” for his bitching bitch voice, whereas as saw the trite obviousness in “3 in the morning” and went with “fo in da mownin'”. is that even a number? intriguing. such a hack job. i’m going to snapchat it.

    i hate this hack. i can’t wait to hate the rest of his show. hack on, hack. I’M WATCHING.

  117. if anyone can scoop up accreditations from failed schools for cash, it sound like the barrier to entry is less than “fuck ton”… unless you meant fuck ton of cash, and even the failed schools know what they are sitting on and won’t take less than top dollar.

    can you just get accredited on a class by class basis, or do you need to have an accredited college with a minimum set of varied curriculums and an accredited english departed with individually accredited courses? is the “fuck ton” just a bunch of paperwork? could it be automated legalzoom style?

    it’s the same as the stock market… getting a new symbol is way way hard, but find a failed company with a ticker, give them a bunch of money so they can give you the money back in a reverse acquisition, then change the ticker symbol and company name in the next quarterly submission to the SEC.

    eau claire has got 3 new minimall schools… globe, eduX, and some physical therapy school. all brand new construction.

    i have a new idea for collegiate pricing: $2,500 classes, but you get safe driver discounts as the class progresses… 93% on the latest quiz? here is $100. A on the mid-term? $500.


  118. It’s a fuck ton of everything, cash being a big one. Globe is an established diploma mill. I’m not sure about that X one. All mall schools put their cash into marketing and their back pocket… they pay recruiters, used car salesman-types, more than instructors.

    It’s easier to make a charter school. That’s a decent racket.

    Credits cannot be a la cart or a la mode. Even new delivery like the uw flex degree has trouble w financial aid.

    Cash for grades on the HS level was a bust. Not sure if it was tried on the collegiate.

  119. it was never a REFUND though…

    the only issue is the school intentionally grading people low to avoid the payouts… or students putting a shiv to your neck so they get their beer money…

  120. as much as the “diploma mills” are to blame, i see cal’s act as “pay $150,000 to get a license to be a twin galaxies VHS tape notary”.

    fuck if you learned shit. FILTER, NOT A PRESS. i still think about our walk up the hill and if i might be wrong, but then i remember that i know everything. but now you have the power. lil’ steve weeeeeebeeeee getting under your skin? BOX HIM OUT. you have the power. “sorry steve, you VHS submission does not meet our standards. please keep trying your best to defeat the tyranniCAL KONG. yours in mario, twingalaxies”

    it’s fundamentCALly an OBVIOUS move.

    successful lawyers universally hate on the lawyer career path. VERY SMART.

  121. if only kkkkkk-car would devote his energy to the new GLOBAL official of video game high scores instead of frozen tundra secondary education sports info for a coverage area the size of a few cell phone towers.

    that guy is mad because i’m going worldwide with nasty bro pre-release cuts that he solely collected.

    the trust is gone.


  122. twin galaxies has been broken for months. nothing works. no one cares. I FUCKING CARE. revolution time. EVENT PLANNING. set up competitions at chuck e’ cheese. tie into TWITCH.TV to get the latest WAR OF GOBLIN LEGENDS high scores.

    also, make everything RUBY ON RAILS with EMBER.JS)(&!%)&(!#%)&!%&*(!#%&*((&*!%#*(&!#%(&*%*Y!#(&Y

  123. this new ad for “dump cakes” and “dump dinners” running constantly ALL DAY LONG, has me seriously laughing uncontrollably. it’s a problem. DUMP DINNERS. so nasty. THEY ARE SELLING FOOD NAMED “DUMP DINNERS”. hilariously wrong.

  124. the washington post says that minimall college degrees are worthless

    whazzman, have you thought about a master’s degree? am i really only employed because i made it through some beer gauntlet? should i just get a PhD? PhD’s seem so easy though… is there anything higher? how can i be accredited to be THE BEST IN THE INDUSTRY? and who would even be good enough to realize that it was true? they wouldn’t. they’re fucking idiots. all of them. I AM THE GREATEST SO SAYETH ME, THE ONLY PERSON CAPABLE OF KNOWING. hire me today. 10 folds gets you a phone consult.

  125. i’m waiting for “girls” to go south so i can use this WICKED “dumham” joke i wrote about a pig that isn’t smart.

    LISA!!!!!%(#*^&!#^*(&%!% LET’S BE FRIENDS!(*^%(^&*!#%^(&^*!#^%(&*!#^

  126. my n00d post resolution: maximum of 1 post per day, always made around 3pm.


  127. i am LITRALLY n00d for a n00d post.

    i think that is what the dictionary meant when they contradicted themselves. i fix things by pointing out flaws. #100%ASSHOLE

    also, my asshole is exposed to fresh air, so it’s a callback thing.


  128. supposedly the big gimmick at the superbowl this year will be a FLIR camera that will overlay changes to player’s body heat on the screen.

    dial that shit in right with some test pucks, determine maximum scan radius and speed, then just run them over THE GROUNDS. nothing is going to hold heat exactly the same as raw earth will… the puck should stand out to a scanning algorithm looking for circles.

  129. the madddddd fam went to the mall a week ago… there is a play area that the shorteez like… there were 4 other girls playing in there… like all 1-2 year olds. 3 of them were also named madddddddddd.


  130. shit… meant players’ above….

    i’m profusely sorry to language purists whose brain i excepted.

    who’s? whoms’? shite. i’m sorry. also, capitalization is for TEH GHEYS.

  131. do you madddddtown fools have a menard’s? or do you LIBERAL MEDIA queefsniffers only shop at trader pete’s whole hut??? #ZING

    either way, i’m suspicious of the quality of cashier talent at the cleezy nard stores. local playboy nardprince…. the castle is DECORATED. the grapes of racks? (of high quality next-to-free chinese tools)

    we got picked to be a nielsen family again… i swear to christ the nielsen people are the nicest and overall GREATEST people i’ve ever talked to. shocking quality. like the kind of people that deal with diplomatic guests of state. like BBC programming, but american, and better in all the ways that america is better. the 2nd lady (today) i told her we already did this once before…. and how excited i was because it was a childhood dream. she told me how rare repeat houses were, and laughed about my dreams IN A WAY THAT UNDERSTOOD THEM. nielsen is the game. get on board.

  132. can you at least make “the grapes of racks” a tagline?

    WHERE IS THE HAIKU WIDGET?!#^%&*(!#^)&(!^&)(!^#

  133. time to get racist:

    the first nielsen lady was 70s-80s caucasian. 100% with it… the confidence of a cute 20 year old. DE. fuckin millerLITEFUL. the second lady was a 53 year old caribbean raised in massachusetts. i could have talked to her all day. when she asked if i might have misunderstood her when she asked about a “DVR” that i might have thought my “DVD” player was a “DVR”, we both shared a collective moment of, “come on, who are these idiots? we’res the chosen. nielsen is the regime.”

    $30 cash in the mail. BRAND NEW BILLS. classy as hell.

  134. and check out these crybabies…

    all workers unions are a scam. cover your own ass. you need someone else taking 20% of your paycheck just so you don’t get screwed over???? THAT IN AND OF ITSELF IS GETTING SCREWED OVER.

    WAAAAAAAAAH WAAAAAAAAAH…. my employer talked to other companies and agreed to not poach top talent in a never ending string of counter offers and employee turnover that would bankrupt or cripple all of the companies (AND THEN WHO WOULD EMPLOY YOU?!)

    if you don’t like your job, start your own company. you can’t?????? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP AND MOP THE GOD DAMNED FLOOR, cal.

  135. so, the government can use drones over US soil to hunt for MEN, but i can’t use one to hunt for a puck?


    WE the people. not YOU the ASSHOLES. if the government can do it, i can do it. you want me to lock someone up forever? private prisons do it… why can’t i? if a group of people determine someone should be locked up, then they should be locked up, and i should be paid to do it.


  136. half rappin’ ass whazzers make me SICK.

    YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?*(&!#%&)*(!#%&)*(!%#

    YOU THINK THIS IS A *FUCKING* GAME???!#*()&!#%^)&(!#%^()&!#%^&)*(!#%^&*()!#%^&*()!#%^

    *bark* *bark* *bark*

  137. Bros and broettes I’m playing bowling alley poker tonight. 6:30 in Middelton.

    Be here and be queer (with me).
    It’s a game. a fuckign game.

  138. oh, you meant total number of kids… the answer is 12. i would have taken under on that… thought he had around 6.

    i need to make more like that… swoop in, make a baby, GET THE FUCK OUT. so much easier.

  139. he APPLIED for bankruptcy to GET OUT of paying the $1.5M.

    the bankruptcy claim was denied, and who knows if the baby momma got paid.

    you know that dog has bones buried all over town. NEVER BANKRUPT.

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