SPAM

Get This

Got an interesting email yesterday from Legal Compliance (not lawyer, mind you) at some dumb company because, in 2005, some comment spam promoting their site mysteriously appeared in a wm thread (this one, to be precise). Fast forward to 2014 and now The Google is heavily penalizing that sort of shit link spamming. “Uh oh,” says the stupid company that claims it doesn’t know how its link got there. “Please remove this link as it ‘will also affect search engine visibility and online reputation for both of us.’” Please, Mr. Legal Compliance, as if I give a fuck about the search engine visibility of whazzmaster.com. In fact, perhaps I’ll whip up a new robots.txt to disallow googlebot entirely. So anyways the guy asked me to remove the comment, but then followed it up with:

P.S.:- If those links are not removed in good faith within 48 hours, I will be forced to file legal court-case [sic] to recover possible cost of copyright infringement.

Note the hilariously bad English. Pretty sure this guy has no legal background or authority and just sent these emails out threateningly because Google is fucking up the link farm bullshit scam he built or bought.

Here’s the one part I want to understand: I’m about 99.99999% sure that these dicks contracted out some SEO in 2005, and that contractor sub-contracted and so on and so forth until some Asian comment spammer was paid $0.40 to spam WordPress comments with the shit. They claim “those links were not created by [them] and [they] do not have any ideas about it.” In fact, I think the comment was posted by some malware running on a regular visitor’s computer. My stance is: someone, somewhere got paid to indirectly post links to WordPress sites for this company’s website. In 2005 this was a valid (if disgusting) way to bump your PageRank.

Whatever, here was my response:

Your legal threat has absolutely no weight here, and if your company was doing shitty SEO and SEM in 2005 and fucking up MY website with spam it’s certainly no problem of mine that Google now penalizes you for it.  Fucking copyright infringement? Seriously? Because some shitzipper spammed MY site with YOUR trash? The comment has been deleted; fucking go away.

123 thoughts on “Get This

  1. wwhazz: lemme get an update- what’s up with you and cal? did he take you to the pork store? did you go roller skating over the bay bridge? eat at that garlic restaurant? tell GMX i say hi.

  2. i’m mad. now i’ll never be able to blow up his lexus. my bucket list is broken now. do i just cross it off???

    hey stevey, i hope you spent the $2,000 you stole from me for scuffing your shitty $2/foot laminate floor on a good worm proof box you tubby piece of dried diarrhea.

  3. WHY WHY WHY would you delete the comment. you got a fish on the line. don’t throw your pole in the water.

    i’m the fucking sheriff of commentville… every time one of those SEO links pops up, i post 5 more links to the same site with a bunch of stuff like “this site sucks”, “worst site ever”. that is how you deal with assholes. RE-RAISE. fuck a court case… this shit is personal. it’s just me and you, spammer, and I DON’T LOSE.

    i spend 20 minutes a day wasting the time of telemarketers… FOR THE CHILDREN. LIKE A MAN.

  4. probably the stress of FEELING my hatred CONSTANTLY is what brought him down. i win again. i’m just a winner. i can’t help it. i win.

  5. hello! all is well! 5 hours til never have to work again until monday and i’m free to drink and enjoy life!

  6. get this: battlestar galactica is a good show. i never understood the premise, so new episodes out of context made no sense to me. now i get it. i like it.

  7. i guess fred phelps is dying… the “god hates fags” funeral protest guy. i hope his funeral is protested by people with water balloon slingshots, launching poop grenades.

    #HOPE

  8. i always have 2 of those things in my trunk… because

    1) i’m prepared
    2) i’m prepared for contingencies

    #KEEPASPARE

  9. at the enchanted beer forest party, we use them to launch the stupid gourds our stupids wives bought to litter our stupid houses with over halloween.

    they hit a tree and explode like appleball. #FUN

  10. cal is fucking DESTROYING snapchat.

    some kid on vine today read some dr. suess and improvised a perfectly timed “…. or nah?” it got me hard. laughed extremely hard while my children wondered if i was ok. haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

    then cal posted a video… mostly of him waiting patiently, then adding a perfectly timed “you suck” to the end. got me again. but the suess kid was funnier. but you are 2nd in a VERY LARGE pool of candidates…. sure, you could try harder, but you’re already right there #2 to some kid plagiarizing a classic and hacking a meme… RIGHT THERE. #2.

    this is going to be a great season. as soon as i can dump medien. that jerk. i’m so dumb. for once the “tommy john” immediate comments after every pitcher drafted THAT TERRIFY ME…. well… for once they were true. i’m dumb. i didn’t read the reports from 2 hours ago.

  11. …. seriously…. battlestar galactica. man… i missed the boat. season 1 was great… how could season 2 match this…. WELL… those clowns found some A.L.F. dust and DELIVERED.

    SPOILER ALERT….. ENSIGN RO.

    and THEN shit gets REAL.

    oh… and human robot / human baby stem cell presidential resuscitation…….. WASN’T EVEN IN THE TOP 3 BULLET POINTS OF THE EPISODE.

  12. and, holy crap… just as i’m stunned and impressed and driven TO WHAZZ…. the next episode starts with a tucoesque execution. at the time, seemed so important… in hindsight: just a mexican.

  13. battlestar galactica is basically ST:TNG mixed with Breaking Bad with a spice of Sopranos. the writing is great.

  14. NICE… that is EXACTLY me. it was like 1am last night, and i just let netflix keep going episode after episode until it popped up the “are you still watching??” and i was allowed to go to be without answering.

    i saw that portlandia and didn’t realize it was battlestar they were watching… that is how little i cared about that show. i didn’t even see the portlandia thing has a reco for the show… just like a joke about watching shows, and they picked an obscure one that a tiny rabid audience liked… like it was a hipster portland joke and not a “battlestar is great” love letter…. BUT IT IS.

    i’m almost through season 2. the “seasons” are like a zillion 2 hour shows. i’m a slave.

  15. jesus. worst post ever. it’s a puzzle… figure out what i meant. NEED TO GET BACK TO THE BATTLESTAR*&(!%*)&(!#^)(*&^!#)*(&!#^

  16. ugggg… now seeing the end of that, i’m realizing i think about “dr. who” the same way i did about battlestar…. i’m just like….. EXACTLY…. WHO??? who is the doctor???? I don’t know… i don’t need to know… WHY DON’T YOU JUST TELL ME WHO THE DOCTOR IS?!%)&!#^)(*!#&^)(*&!#%^*()&!#%)*(&!#%^

  17. First off, I really like both the legal story and the death of the real miz.

    Next, my cal trip was caltastic. Like all good spring breaks, we rocked out with our cocks out. Our spring break 2014 jam was the 2008 das racist hit “Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell.” We had plenty of greg and I also learned that cal worships the sutro tower.

    He picked me up from the AP in his smart buggy and took me to all his favorite hideouts, fed me oysters and a romantic brunch in a killer gay bistro. It was in the gay bistro that I introduced the fella to snapchat, which you can all see he has taken a shine to. We did hot birkham yoga and it was fun. We didn’t ride no fixies though. But we did:

    1. See a dog get hit by a car (and another dog just miss)
    2. See a crazy drunk girl get tossed out of a burrito place (we ate burritos 2x—Palapote and the drunk girl place)
    3. See an asshole bouncer almost get his
    4. Complete two fantasy drafts
    5. See a hippie kid climb all the way to the top of a really tall street light
    6. Attend a fundraiser for the Tomboys, an all lesbian softball team
    7. Find a bag of magic beans

    I did a lot of walking. A lot. I wish I had worn cal’s GPS watch so I could have a souvenir of my travels. On Thursday and Friday while cal was at work I walked a good 15 miles, at least. Hills like whoa. I also learned the three rules when you stay at cal’s:

    1. Don’t lock the bottom lock on the door or you will never get back in.
    2. Don’t jaywalk
    3. Don’t go to the Mill for coffee.

    Of course, give cal a beer and he’s a jay walking machine. Soon I was trying to talk him out of it. He also locked me out via the forbidden lock.

    The draft was hilarious. Ten minutes before the roto draft cal tells us that the internet used to get shitty when he and Emily were both on at the same time… but that hasn’t happened in a long time. So what do you think happened when cal, greg, and I all logged in to draft? It………..was………………slow. Really………slow.

    Five min to draft. I say fuck it and start packing up. Greg is right behind me. We bolt out of the house and do a mad sprint to café abir with our laptops and cords flopping all over. Greg is laughing at me for flying to SF to miss the first round of the draft. But he’s also pretty spooked about it himself. Cal made it too, using his running skills to make up for our head start. Luckily, I remembered the wifi password (1234abir, all little) from my post burrito lunch latte, so we burst in there like nutsos and were logged into yahoo with two minutes to spare. Part of me still wonders if this was all some trick to get me and greg off our game plans—you know, reading injury reports and such. Our draft dinner was cal brand chili, prepared by chef cal. It was really good. We had to have it after the draft though, because they don’t let you bring your own chili to Abir. There was a funny moment right before the draft (during our 2 minutes before the draft) where greg asked cal if he turned off the stove. Cal instantly turned white. The life just drained from his face. It was amazing. I spared him though. I had turned off the stove before I left. In the end, good times and good players were drafted. Most of them even had functioning elbows.

    Very good times were had by all. Fucking a greg. I missed that dude. That was my first greg sighting since whazzgiving. Guess what? Dude loves chaw. Loves it. Guess what else? He is wonderful. He helped cal build a model sutro tower. It was a tender moment.

    I closed my trip with a coffee from the Mill before my super shuttle took me home. Spring break 2014: No parents, no rules.

  18. nice…. there was a loose end there not breaking all 3 of cal’s rules…. way smarter move than turning the stove off.

  19. brewer’s clubhouse fly on the wall:
    “his name is Wang, but it’s pronounced Wong.”
    “sign him.”
    “he has some control…..”
    “SIGN HIM.”

  20. i’d like to be in any room where the value of a novelty funny asian is being discussed.

    the “fuk-u” guys got bought out the first day sanctions were lifted.

  21. we got this white kid with no personality named ned flanders who runs 5% faster, but this wangwong guy means we don’t have to take any questions from the milwaukee asian community about why they aren’t represented… and the drunk hecklers will have fun.

    #AFFIRMATIVEIMPLICATION

  22. BATTLE STAR GLACTAICAL. GOD BLESS YOU HOMIE. FINALLY FINALLY.

    excellent recount of the big ol’ partay at cal’s ikea bachelor pad… i’ll only add a few details to the light pole shanagagans… first this was no ordinary light pole this was a GIANT light pole. like some kind of miller park light pole. anyway I yelled “go! go!” and others yelled “get down!” and still another yelled “is this real life? GET DOWN!” and finally when he could go no higher and was probably getting tired of inching up the fucker he dropped something and did a wacky fireman/benny hill rapid fall/slide down the light pole only to land in a crumple on the ground until his hippy pal came up and kicked him and then he got up and sauntered away to applause. anyway after taking a moment to reflect on the kid’s epic monkey business wwhaz turned to me through a haze of found medicinal magic beans and said: “you should shave your head …FOR YOUR RACE” and for a split second i was like he’s serious. he’s gonna give me a curbie like in american history x… then i remembered i was running a race in the morning and my hair was floppy as fuck.

    so say we all.

  23. madd that show went black during the writers strike but there are some crappy internet only episodes that sort of bridge the gap during the fourth season…. do they suck? yes they do. will you watch them in rapt attention. yes you will. #cylons

  24. i’m just starting season 3. there are like 20 episodes+ a season. all day long. BStarG. break to pee, back to BStarG.

    there is a girl named STARBUCK. LIKE THE COFFEE)(*!#%)*(&!#%)(&*#%^!&*()^#!&(*)%)*(!#(&*!#^&*()!#^

  25. i got stuck in a youtube rabbit whole… saw kevin smith do a panel about being friends with the producer, and they made a viper for him… i think it’s referenced in the show for the fallen guys… his call sign was “silent”

    that portlandia thing ends with the actual actors. watching now after i know who they are, totally different bit, and very impressive. all the more makes it a love letter to BStarG… in TNG terms, they got picard and worf to show up and read in character.

    then i saw when the whole cast did a letterman top 10 list…. i saw that show live, and even then i remember “who the fuck are all these people??” “is this show popular just because there is a single hot blonde who is cloned into every scene? dumb” “i don’t have time to figure this shit out. DUMB DUMB DUMB”

    such a mistake.

    deep space 9, voyager, enterprise, ET AL, STILL SUCK.

  26. 1. “Shave your head for your race” was special. I mean, yeah. Do it for your race. Race riot breaks out in the courthouse lunch room, you need to set down the clif bar and identify (and make yourself identifiable to) your teammates. But also: floppy hair is going to slow you the fuck down on that bay to bridge 12K.

    2. It’s Starbuck like the dude in Moby Dick, not the coffee.

  27. im pretty sure “shave your head for your race” went viral…. i think k-car snapped it to me… might have been you, though…. but i always read it as ethnic background and not silly running games. even after cal’s post still racist. even after re-reading it. it’s pretty clear what you meant, but now he morphed his confused racism and justified it with running games, and now he’s going to CUT OFF HIS POWER and run slow as fuck like some bald racist.

  28. all this time i thought adolf hussein obomba got elected because of the osama riff on his name…. THIS WHOLE TIME, IT WAS AN ADAMA RIFF)(&%!#)*&!%#)*(&!#%)(&%!#

    #BStarG

  29. there’s a brown squirrel in my backy that has pure white ears. just the ears. pretty cool looking. the rest of his coat is very unkempt… not sure if he’s depressed or just letting nature roll. hair grows, bro. DEAL WITH IT.

    anyways… i call him, “white ears”. i’m pretty sure he’s a cylon.

    i see starbuck when i close my eyes.

    someone…. anyone…. HELP.

  30. guy starting a marathon: “LET’S HAVE A GREAT RACE, GUYS! LET’S BE THE BEST RACISTS WE CAN BE!” *gunshot*

  31. i wonder if cal will finally care about shutting down the NSA, CIA, DHS, when he finds out the spy government’s new utah data center is cooled by water they re-routed from getting to your precious california.

    drought, bro. get used to it.

    #SHOWMEYOURPAPERS

  32. guy on jeopardy was a government “ANALyst”, working on “aero-space”…. but he couldn’t say anything other than that. why not? obama said “open government” “transparent”…. so… either obama is lying, or you are lying… either way, BANNED FROM JEOPARDY. how did this moron get on??

    he says he doesn’t even tell his wife what he does. oh, right, because you kill pakistani kids for fun, you enjoy it, you feel no guilt, but these silly times we live in would have a child killer locked up. CRAZY, RIGHT?!

    #SUCKADUCK

  33. GABOR REVY from WEST CHESTER TOWNSHIP, OHIO.

    Revy has worked as a U.S. Air Force space systems analyst for 10 years.

    The Lakewood, Ohio, native attended Ohio State University, the University of Dayton and Lakewood High School in suburban Cleveland.

    so, there you go terrorists… that guy thought it was smart to advertise that he works on stuff for the military that they won’t let him discuss…. even though that alone is hypocritically discussing it… on national broadcast television… using his real name….

    hey, look, kids… he lives at 6728 FOX HUNT CT, WEST CHESTER OHIO 45069 with kelly richmond… the girl he keeps secrets from

    SUCK A DUCK.

  34. I PAY YOUR FUCKING SALARY, BOY. show me around the dump. show me where you put the dead kids. DICK.

  35. i’m starting to get BStarG visions like the drift king.

    also, anytime i hear the word “fraction”, my initial reaction is “WATCH YOUR MOUTH!”

    #BROKEN

  36. kinda falling off here with season 4… 1st episode is a 2-parter that jumps back in history… like tuco just died and now we’re going to go back to how heisenberg got his teaching certificate. WHO CARES?! WHAT NEXT???

    pretty sure my couch is a cylon.

    #HELP

  37. I’ve taken a shine to vegan butter and soy lattes and skipping cheese on my sandwiches because of all this. I guess that’s collateral good, might keep me out of the elephant graveyard.

  38. Cal is still on the vag. Every 40 year old single chick in the panhandle is after his scented meat.

  39. what if you put 1 drop of milk in everything she ate? then after a year or 2, put 2 drops in everything.

    i gotta think the allergy systems would just tire themselves out and say, FUCK IT… milk is ok. let them sell chaw as the gas stops.

  40. I guess we could try that. Right now, we just give her a sip of the juice every 3 months or so. Sometimes Pi feeds her cheese or ice cream. It’s hard teaching her what the baby can and cannot eat. Sometimes she feeds the baby stickers.

  41. very excited about my aeropress arriving today… trying to teach my wife that the stupid keurig thing she has is gross and dumb.

    “DIFFERENT FLAVORS!!!!”

    fuck your flavors. you’re drinking coffee. if you want flavored creamers, THEY SELL THOSE. YOU CAN BUY THEM.

    i showed her my big tub of folgers that we play like $8 bucks for… the same size in k-cups would be over $100. it’s so dumb. it was designed from the k-cup backwards…. “this is what we want to sell… now make a machine to turn that into coffee”. the brew is terrible and the coffee is watery.

    the aeropress guy was designed by the guy that designed the aerobie. a fucking genius. he solves PROBLEMS. he doesn’t CREATE problems in the spirit of vendor lock in and profit margins. he wanted good coffee… he built the best tool to do it. it’s a $25 piece of plastic.

    i think girls like keurig because if you spell it backwards, it’s GIR… and the K is styled weird so it sort of looks like an L askew…. GIRL. they are subliminally marketing towards women. same with the “C” purses. i don’t get any of it…. but there was a very long part of my life that i refused to wear anything other than starter jackets and hats… so i’m dumb too.

    cal sucks.

  42. actually, i’m not dumb. starter jackets are awesome. or at least they were awesome… until they sold out to corporate greed, and the designers all took jobs with nike, and now walmart executives are in charge of it all, and choose to leverage the brand to hawk philippino made crap shoes.

    here’s an idea, JERKS, PUT A BIRD ON IT)*&@#!^)&(!#%)&!#^()&*!#^)*(

  43. so… in my never ending FLIR project, there is a newcomer on the scene… grizzly style deals, at market shaking prices. FLUKE. they have some handheld FLIR things that look SORTA good… $500 instead of $2,000, but somewhat similar. even though it’s as cheap to make and process as the camera in your phone… but whatever. fools don’t know how to stamp out computer chip sensors, and are willing to pay $2,000, so they are charged $2,000. i thought FLUKE would be my savior in a few more years. then, a few days ago, i learn that they patented the color yellow, and had the customs department destroy a $30,000 shipment of competitors stuff because the orange tint on the sides was more like an orangy-yellow, and that violates are patent. we own yellow.

    well, today that just sent that company $30,000 worth of their own products.

    thanks for getting in the way, government. thanks for patenting colors, lawyers. you’re all doing very useful jobs… to make this a better world… to make them all better worlds….

    #FALLONYOURSWORD

  44. fuck fluke. go jack off the guy at the patent office. i’d rather burn my money than give it to you.

    maybe i’ll patent burnt money, JERK(*&^%#

  45. fuck duke too. kinda pissed i didn’t do that billion $ thing, because i def would have picked that upset. hate duke a lot. they suck. at everything. duke is the cal of education.

  46. i don’t believe in allergies, autism, ADD/ADHA/AADHDhHAHDHA…. all that shit. we are all unique individuals. cal might be a cylon.

    if you’re alive, you’re body is at work…. it’s at work of being at work… it’s at work making itself work differently or better or removing anything that keeps it from working. in short, it’s changing. now, if it starts removing or changing things that it thinks will help, but will actually hurt… it should eventually figure that out and right the ship. all autism and allergy and AADGDHHDJGSDJGDDDDDDDHDHDDDDD drugs do is CEMENT THE PROBLEM. ok, your body does this… let’s drug you to respond to that function, and make sure that our drug stabalizes that process so the function will always be around, right there next to our stamped out cure pills for just $10 a piece.

    i’m hyper sensitive (or at least used to be) to extremely spicy stuff…. my face would turn red and sweat…. like cal on the stand testifying about still being on the vag. so, i just started putting a shake of tabasco in everything. cured.

    everything i know about health and science i learned from jeff goldblum during jurassic park.

  47. i always wanted in… i loved that triples were squat. if you’re going to make it to 3rd, you should have made it home, JERK. you LOSE. GOOD DAY, SIR. doubles are basically homers that you just barely missed… NICE TRY! POINTS!

  48. i’m really pissed about those stupid australian games. i had matt kemp in my lineup and he’s still nursing his dik in the minors. did that count as a game? i think it did.

    phil is in my head… i need to be more like phil. i chawin a phat dip of kodiak right now, BECAUSE IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO. stupid cal figured out the same plan… snap chatting kodiak tins to me. this league is full of very smart me who know how to give the gods little kodiak hand jobs to get our way. the problem is, now that cal and me both know that we’re each sucking on the same karmic tit, we’ll both spin off and probably end up on the same path again, but we both know that, so we’ll both spin off the other way instead, and we’re deadlocked again.

    i’m not sure i can dig out of this hole. i guess i can just hope that cal drops all his computers in the toilet, and can’t afford new ones.

  49. gee, he’s available? #MINE

    i love that jeter is still free agent. YOU’RE OLD NEWS, GRANDPA. heard of JEAN SEGURA??? HE IS FAST AS FUCK.

  50. shit… i missed the fight last night… tivo wanted me to watch, and said it was new…. hendo vs shogun… i’ve seen this shit many times before, and who fights on sunday night????? FAKE RE-RUN(!*#&%(*!&#% *CLICK*

    oh well.

  51. cal, we need to work together. harness the power in our kodiaked lips, and direct it SQUARE at phil’s nuts.

    GET ON BOARD, BRO()*#%&!&*)(!#%&*()!#%897!#%^7890!#%

  52. It did not count Kemp. You are good, bro.

    I don’t think Hendo/Shogun was on TV. Was it? I think the rerun was but II was only online.

  53. yes, it was on fox sports 1 last night. the ol’ SPEED network. races are lame now. now we show fights. on sunday night.

    i did find my “games remaining” and saw that i used 0 games… but that seems weird… i had started other guys that didn’t play last year and they did count against me. maybe it was because the league wasn’t set to start until the 22nd and the game was on the 21st or something…. or maybe guys on the DL don’t count even if you’re an idiot like me and leave them in… no clue. or maybe because he isn’t techniCALly in the majors it doesn’t count…. but the game did show on the line as him starting, and after it had started, i couldn’t move him, so just weird all around. also weird that yahoo says that my predicted number of games i’ll be able to start my guys is “161 (-1)” what the fuck does that mean?!#%(*^&

    yahoo’s lady brain really upsets me.

    #UGGGGGGGGGG

  54. The fight was in Brazil, so a weird USA time.

    It is -1 because you are on track for a game deficit. It will catch when you start playing games. It does not count the dude if he does not play, even if he is in your lineup. We got into this last year when you thought the same thing. If he pinch hits or something it counts. But if he is in your lineup, ,but back in la sucking toes in real life it will not count.

  55. but the guy i have started still has 162 games left… it’s like they just take the total number of days that games could have happened, and subtract it… doesn’t matter… those numbers are always wrong and weird… but once they get over -10 that’s a good indicator of HEY!!! ALERT!!! it should just be either blank, or HEY!!!!!!!!! LOOK!!!! ALERT!!!!!. that text exactly. in purple with pink stripes.

    #LADY

  56. all my guys… only the dodgers, angles, diamondbacks, and whoever else has played a game so far… so everyone else still has 162 left… but lady says i’m on track to only hit 161 from the original 162 even though none of my guys have even had an opportunity to play, and there are still 180+ days before the likely last day of the season.

    lazy programmers are lazy. give me NO DATA if you can’t give me RELEVANT DATA. lady.

  57. just gave the best telemarketer performance of my life… brand new character… almost played too good… equally entertaining to the other guy.

    our last volley:

    him: i don’t know what you are
    me: that’s the game. *click*

  58. earlier……

    me: it’s…. it’s ff–f–f-fa-ff-fr-fresh food fast…. it’s not fast food…
    him: sir, i know what fazoli’s is.

  59. also just made the best cup of coffee of my life.

    thinking about posting a craigslist ad just have people come over and let me make them a coffee. they can sit at my kitchen table and use the wi-fi if they want… or they can watch me work and ask questions. 2 customers at once??? you’re free to talk to each other. maybe you could share the wi-fi password with your new friend. how about those views? you know those little black and white birds? they are called COAL TITS. seriously. it’s in a science book, so you can say it to a cop and he can’t arrest you. LOOK AT THOSE COAL TITS! so, which one of you had the americano?…. guys? where are you going…………. COAL TITS&^!#%(^*&!#%&*(%#!)&(!#%)&*(!#%&(*

  60. When I was in college I needed a job, real bad. I applied at the UW Foundation to be a student telemarketer and hassle alumni for donations.

    For the interview, the dude made me go down the hallway to an empty conference room and call him at his desk (why he made me walk all the way to an empty room, I’ll never know– there were phones all over his office). He had a little script (he was an alumni who pledged $200 and then never sent in the money; I was the spunky telemarketer tasked with checking in on him).

    When I got to the empty room with the phone, I considered just walking away and leaving that dipshit at his desk waiting for the call. There was no way I was going to do this for a job. Even the practice/interview call was stupid. But I was there, so fuck it: I called him. I remember having to bite my arm to stifle laughter during the call. The whole thing was ridiculous and I had no idea what to even tell the dude.

    A week later I received a letter from the foundation. It said Dear Ms. Wwhazz, we are not going to hire you. Later that week, I scored TWO jobs: Hojo as a 5-1 bellman and Rocky’s as a M-F pizza dude. I came in at 9:00 and proofed the dough, did prep and then delivered pizza until the lunch orders stopped.

    Sliding doors, bro. I would have never met Cal (well, maybe I’d deliver him a pizza or something) or Belly (well, maybe in a brothel) or MP/madddd (well, maybe over the phone as a telemarketer– Fffffffaa fa fa fresh).

  61. i’m nudging the telemarketers to find their own bellys and cals.

    telemarketers have no power, and the ones that are calling me are already breaking the law, so there is 0 recourse… i don’t hate them, i LOVE reminding them that I AM A WINNER. you called me, bro. you don’t think anyone would waste your time because they would then be inherently wasting their own time as well…. well…… DEAL WITH IT. EVERYONE should do it, then NO ONE WOULD HAVE TO.

    police on the other hand, were somehow given authority to pretend to be a teenage girl during the day, then arresting anyone that shows up for child abuse… no child was abused… if anything the cop should be locked up for soliciting… pretending you are a kid and talking about sex is CREEPY AS FUCK. go to jail copper. and then guess what those guys do on their off time?? THE EXACT SAME THING. there is no recourse other than BOOM.

    so, COPS. COPS ARE THE WORST. ALL OF THEM. FIRE FIRE FIRE. take your MILITARY TANKS out of MY CITY. you work for me, BOY… that badge is MINE. GO FUCK YOURSELF WITH IT.

    HOVA
    HOVA
    HOVA
    HOVA
    HOVA
    HOVA
    HOVA

  62. hey, oneeeezy, i want to rake some lawyer muck……..

    consider a NAZI employer that somehow justifies drawing your bodily fluids for chemical testing……. OSAMA BIN HUSSEIN PRESIDENT already basically mandates this for federal contractors….. it’s a shamefully very common practice.

    but what those tests are basically declaring as fact, and using as a basis for action, is that your body contains a controlled substance that you have not been permitted to possess. BUT, by declaring that, they are declaring that your body itself is a controlled substance, and as such, you are not allowed to possess yourself… to be free in your body… to lose that would be a denial of existence. CAN I SUE?!#%*(&!#%)&(*!#^

    do i have something here? would a judge sit back in awe? what does the law say they should do? what would most do?

    i ate like 10,000 poppy muffins this morning. I SWEAR.

  63. Eric Schlosser is a BOSS writer. From the onion av club review of Reefer MADDness:

    “Similarly, Schlosser contends that irrational efforts to legislate common human desires makes criminals out of ordinary citizens. More frightening, he implies that the government wants it this way, and that by having laws on the books that are only selectively enforced, the powers that be can control the people they want to control, while leaving their own transgressions uncondemned.”

  64. so, what is my first step?? do i have to get arrested first? why isn’t the judicial branch proactive against unjust and unconstitutional laws written by representatives that are never themselves tested for mind altering substances in their bodies??? the laws could have been the result of a quaalude overdose, and now i’m supposed to surrender myself to them?? FUCK THAT. we’re supposed to just sit back and wait for the NAZI COPS to choose to enforce it, and ONLY THEN fight it????? that isn’t checks and balances. that is NO CHECKS… that is WAIT AND SORT OUT LATER. dumb dumb dumb. get on their asses. shut down every law. drug test everyone. make butter illegal.

    CAL. you’re better than this. FIX IT!#^(*&!#^)&*(^!#)&*(!#^)&*(!#^

  65. BRO… you handed me a pile of cash for fooball. we’re good. no clue what you’re talking about. I OWE YOU for Gball.

    this start of season is a clusterfuck. FUCK AUSTRALIA. how can some games count while other cactus juice is still dripping from the spout and getting thrown away? so dumb.

  66. I’m not trying to goad you, bro. I want you to have a little FUN FUN. It is in your best interest to pass.

  67. didn’t i beat you last year???

    i would love some side action. league points, or dinger rules, or what? twank on both?

    i got 5 firstbasemen, homie. I CAN’T LOSE.

  68. april 1st and 2nd at 8pm maria bamford is doing comedy at that theatre where me and belly lost it to a homeless guy doing a mcdonalds bit.

    stage seems small for her, but i’d love to go.

    she is the only pug fan i know more rabid than wwwwwzzzzzzzzz

  69. why aren’t all MLB players required to wear a full face mask? they forced it in hockey.

    let’s just ruin everything today.

    CAL SUCKS)&(*!#%^)&(!#%^)*(&!%^#)*(&!#^%*()&!^#)&(

  70. my hotdog game is getting pretty solid. i boil them in a shallow egg pan first, then sear on cast iron and place them gently on a bed of condiments on a toasted bun. pair it with an espresso, and get a COMBO DEAL)&!#%)*(&#!^&*(!#%)&*(!#

    have you seen the COAL TITS yet??????????

  71. new TMNT trailer make me ANGRY*)&#!%)(&!^#)(*!^#*()!^#)(*!^#

    WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY PRECIOUS)(&!#^)&(*!#^&(*!#^&*()!#^*()!#^(&*!#^

  72. 1. I’m cool with a $20 on the year (total points)… I’d like to also add something for the UP. I was thinking the lower ranked player takes a lake superior dip in a lady swimsuit but those things are expensive, even walmart cheap ones are like $25, at least.

    2. April 1 and 2 are bad play days in my world.

    3. cal is the best (at sucking)

    4. I do my hot dogs a little different. I do the gentle boil followed by a few min under the broiler. I also put the buns in the oven in the lowest rack to get them toasty. I think the two step cooking is the key to both techniques.

  73. b000000000ked.

    open flame direct heat would be nice, but i want an even sear all the way around… that means i have to sit there and turn them by hand. i’m heating up the iron to toast the buns anyways. i don’t like to use oven to toast buns… it toasts the top half too. i want that shit pillow soft on the top, and crispy on the bottom. throw the dogs on the hot iron and they roll themselves and sear even all the way around… just let them roll for 20 seconds.

  74. i got it in my head that i wanted a restaurant called “sausages peppers brews”. everything made in house. beer AND coffee.

    then, i remembered that that madison old wisconsin place or whatever it’s called is basically the same thing. i really want to be eating there right now.

  75. I am up massive on bar pull tabs. I played $20 during the up trip and won $250. Last night $20 became $111.

  76. guess who just got a 1 star review?

    FUCK OFF.

    you little indian fucks think you’re clever because you found your old links here?

    FUCK OFF.

    DIE SLOW (of malaria).

    EVER HEARD OF A TOILET?!#^()*&!#^)&(!#^

  77. Bro, you are being a little rough on Faustino. Times are tough and that Married with Children money can’t last forever.

  78. grand master B needs to learn a lesson: DON’T START NO SHIT, WON’T BE NO SHIT.

  79. ed o’neil is the only actor that got any backend points in his contract.

    faustino has been broke for years.

  80. Just read his wikipeed. He made a baller rap song dressed like a white eazy E and a web series back in 1999 about being broke and working in a porn shop. I’m actually going to go watch that.

  81. yeah, the web series is A+++ gold. i used to sit and hit refresh on the page when new episodes came out.

    #STAR-VING

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>