The World’s Most Dangerous Game: Bachelor Party Edition
A dudefest descended on Waukesha, Wisconsin at precisely the same time as a biblical hailstorm to celebrate the End of Bachelorhood of one Michael Wirkus. Crack reporter/best man Zach Moneypenny was on the scene with his trusty “Bparty Handbook,” a digital camera, a Bag-of-Junk, the keys to a rented 12 passenger van, and the ability to stay sane and sober among a group voted “Most Beligerent (When Drunk) Bellmen” for 8 straight years. This is the story of that night.
Saturday started early for me; I had to pick up the two rented texas hold’em tables and a rented passenger van for later on. The intrepid O’neil and the incredible Ewaz accompanied me. At Fun Services we were delighted to find that in addition to renting craps tables, bouncy houses, and Santas-Riding-Motorcycles blow-up decorations, they also sold Junk, practically by the pound. Mini-magnifying glasses? Two cents. Chinese finger traps? Fifty cents. NFL Football tattoos? Thirteen cents. We bought an assortment of junk for later giveaways and the odd prize.
Our next stop was the friendly Avis desk at the airport. When one of the three workers at the desk finished with a customer and helped a colleague with another customer, the man behind me got impatient. “Hey, she’s open. Go.” he said as he nudged me. I typically wait until workers acknowledge me before stepping up to their window, but this man was not having any of it. I told him I’d wait until she was done helping the other customer, a mulleted man wearing a Green Bay Packers hat, and he declared that anyone who liked the Packers “needed help because they suck so much.” Then he unnecessarily further slurried the good name of the Green Bay Mullet. Just then two windows opened up and me and the asshole each were helped. O’neil listened to the asshole demand his rental car heard him give his name to the lady at the window. His name, the reason this anecdote was included, was Wood Hardcastle. If Wood’s out there and he found this in a Google search, let me extend my middle finger and say “fuck you, you old bastard.”
Once we had the van and the poker tables, we headed to Ross Perry’s house in Waukesha. Shortly after unloading and setting up the tables, and right before the Badger game versus Penn State began, the skies opened and rained frozen death upon us. The hail was thick like a winter snow, only it hurt like hell if you stood in it. The hail continued for three to four minutes, and we briefly wondered if god’s wrath was being visisted upon the marriage of Mike and Jessie. The hail was followed by a gigantic severe thunderstorm that lasted from 3pm until well after midnight.
The structure of the evening was straightforward:
- 2:30p-7:30p: Watch Badger game/eat dinner/play poker tourney.
- 8-ish: Go to Encore Lounge.
- 9:30-ish: Go to On The Border.
- 11:30-ish: Go to The Landmark to meet with Jessie & Friends.
Now, in the interest of time and because my life in incredibly busy right now, I’d like to make this thing interactive. Think Taboo Tuesday on a whole new level. From here on out, everyone post your own version of the night. I think it would be interested to see if anyone’s drunko version is better than my dumbo sober version.
–karate chop–
