The Don of Eau Claire

I didn’t do much over the July 4th weekend.  Spacebee had to work so I puttered around the house, did laundry, played some League, and then watched Brock Lesnar hulk up and kill Carwin. HOOOOOOOGAN! We’ll even be presenting a replay tonight for those that missed it.  The Lieben fight was also great; that dude is like a Terminator.  You punch him in the face, he doesn’t flinch, and then he punches you in YOUR face.  Take that, jerk.

The threat of thunderstorms hung over the midwest late in the weekend and I sat down to think about the Don of Eau Claire and where he goes during T-Storms.  A tree, I suppose, or possibly a social club.

I got my iPhone 4 in the mail a little whiles back.  It’s pretty ok… super fast compared to my 3G.  Seriously, when I upgraded the 3G to iOS4 it ran like a snail fucked another slow thing and produced slower offspring.  The main problem with the iPhone 4 is the highly technical task “making calls.”  As a little computer in my pocket the iPhone 4 is awesome.  As a phone it’s pretty terrible.  I blame it partly on AT&T’s fucking terrible service, and partly on Apple’s terrible antenna design.  I heard that The Eternal Rumor (i.e., iPhone on Verizon) is going to come true in January 2011 so I guess we’ll have to wait until then to see how much Fucking AT&T is a part of this mess.

I wonder where Cal is.  In a tree, I suppose, or perhaps a social club.

Put Some Stank On It

We’re headed towards cliff, my friends.  Always a terrifying experience to be aimed headlong over the edge, but when the cliff in question is of one’s own making it can make you question how you got here.  May the First ends some things and begins many; it will mark the triumphant end of No Booze April (lost 12 pounds), I’ll be jetting to San Franseezy For Sheezy to talk nonsense to a large gathering, it will officially be The Summer of Love, most weekends my activities will be preordained, Prince Fielder might hit a home run at some point, Joe’s Casino may open several times if any shambling hobos amass outside her doors, I’ll finish that Cah-razy 1949 Frank Norris book I stoled from wwhazz, my first attempt at programming a video game may get finished, and much, much more.

Wwhazz’s thoughts on my impending San Fran trip: wait outside the library and mug Cal when he emerges.  Like, not fake “hahaha!” mugging, but really push him on the ground and take his money.  Maybe cuff him on the side of the head if he doesn’t give up the goods.  “He’ll know it’s me!” I yelled.  “Not if you wear ladies pantyhose over your face,” he calmly replied.  I don’t think I’ll do it though: (1) he likely knows tai-chi or some other oddball marshal art that would render my attack ineffective (2) what if Greg is with him at the time (3) what would I rob him of? Forty cents, a MUNI pass, and his gilt-framed picture of Greg?  Not worth the trouble.  However Cal, if on the nights of May One, Two, or Three you wish to meet me at McTeague’s for a steam beer then I will assent.

I really, really wish I could have a little video camera that caught maddd’s reaction when he opened the MINI-CHIP set.  Did you think something was suspicious due to the small package size?  Did you think you were getting full size chips right up until you opened the case itself? At what exact point did you know you’d been played for a fool by Jokerstars?

I really, really wish I could attend both the Top Hat Guitar Hero Affaire and Wwhazz’s Ho-Chunk Adventure this weekend but alas I’ll be visiting my poor family a-way up in Door County.  I fondly imagine that the Top Hat Affaire will end with someone smashing the GH controller into the Fancy Booze Tray.

Here’s a Bachelor Party Update: date not confirmed but likely August 7th, cookout at wwhazz’s house including various lawn olympics (bags, ladder ball, washers), poker tournament to follow, Joe’s Casino to follow that, Thunder Road tourney to follow that, Air Hockey tourney maybe to follow that, bars to follow that stuff.  Put some Stank on it, friends– comin’ out! Watch your dicks!

Business is Picking Up, BY GAWD!

In my natural habitat

Business has surely picked up in the last three weeks and it’ll continue to gain steam right up until August 28th.  We’ve hit the home stretch in our current release development at work, while at the same time I’m prepping for a presentation to 400 engineers in San Francisco in early May.  I’m pretty nervous about the latter, but with my code complete deadlines I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to prepare and rehearse.

Wwhazz keeps wanting to show me spawning muskies but I’m trying to fit it in with the gym, work, wedding planning, and playing Morning Golf with Lawman.  Morning Golf is a time-honored tradition where you golf at the crack of dawn and then scamper into work relatively on time.

I want to remind you folks that Joe’s Casino is always open, and that they honor Mystique and Diamond Jo’s player cards.  Fuck it: let’s just go to Mystiquewho’swithmeamIrtieamIrite?

As I mentioned before I’ll be out in the Bay Area May 1st through the 8th– HOLLLAR at a player when you seem ‘im in the streets, trick.  In the meantime I’ll be watching the Brewers rotation either (a) work the kinks out or (b) flush the whole fuckin season down the toilet.

I’m hoping for (a).

Opening Day Kinda-Live Blog!

Brewers~!

The 2010 baseball season is a time for hope, a time for joy, and not a time for cal.  Nice outdoor stadium, Twins, hopeyalike snow.  Why so glum, San Francisco? Your opening day is a rainout? Aww.  Sunny and 60 in Milwaukee.

No brats, beer, cookouts, or drunkeness for me today, thanks.  I’m just sipping coffee, pattering around computer code on my lappy, and watching Davey Nelson make one goddamn lunatic comment after another in the pregame show.  Nelly’s Nuggets!

C’mon Braun: hit like 20 dingers today.  I’d like to stone cold stunner the Dinger Kings right out of the gate.

Also: went to Ho-Chunk last night with the Laydee.  Had a kinda, sorta, ok dinner at the Copper Oak and then I Insta-Won $100 in craps, which I lost over the next 2 hours in a lunatic game of roulette where Stacy won $170.  All in all we had a nice little easter: a little gambling, a little sex, walleye.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy a (hopeful) Brewers blowout win on Opening Day.  Cal: keep your junk to yourself.

Sheer Brawn

I gots Ryan Braun in the Dinger League.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  In other words, y’all can suck it.  I have no idea how to play this weird game of yours but I know it involves dingers.  I also have a bunch of Cubs, which is kinda dumb but I guess its the ones that usually hit dingers.  Sigh.  Cubs.  Whuck?

Moo Hoo Ha Ha, Part Threeve

Thank god:

Ben Sheets was battered for 10 runs without retiring a batter in his latest poor showing, and the Cincinnati Reds beat the Oakland Athletics 13-5 Monday.

It’s good to know that dude is still terrible in other people’s hands.  We had some good times, Sheetsie, but you had to go and fuck us in the postseason with your typical sprained dick, and then sign with the Rangers and make the Brewers pick up the tab for your dicksprain.  Have fun sleeping on a cot in the Oakland hills and playing for the Moneyball Express.  Keep your chin up! If you get moderately good by the deadline you’ll be traded to the Marlins, Reds, or (gasp!) even the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Your star can only rise, rise, rise… like the home run ball you gave up in the above GDCF.

Secretssssss

I re-updated the blogroll (on the right sidebar).  Wwhazz alerted me to the fact that he found it helpful to have prominent links to The People’s Champ, Arlo’s Bloggity Bloggity BlogBlog, and others.

Additionally, our old pal Big Al opened a new web site at http://blog.mlbsecrets.com that has up-to-date info on all the latest baseball rumors.  Example: yesterday I looked and found out that Ben “Fucking” Sheets worked out for ten (10!) interested teams the other day.  I assume that he will sign for a hojillion dollars somewhere and then NOT get injured, thereby completing his unusefulness to the Milwaukee Brewers.  It seems like it’s a good time to leave a Wisconsin professional sports team and then get fantastically good again.

Wwhazz’s birthday was this week, as was madddddddd’s, as was manders’.  As is alandovos.  Basically everyone I know: Happy Birthday.  Wwhazz and bellygirl went out to dinner and snapped a picture of the all-time best bar special ever. Ever.  I hope they don’t mind me reproducing it here:

The Best Bar Special Ever

Favre: Meteorite Target

Sadness

Last night pretty much sucked for any Packers fan. Blarrgle, blurgh, o-line. ^%$&%(&)(^&SACKS$%@!# This nightmare seems as if it will never end.

I drowned my sorrows in scotch: dry, tasty scotch, and then I played Borderlands until I was almost certain to be tormented by dreams of millions of white, green, blue, purple, and orange guns, shotguns, sniper rifles, and rocket launchers.  I’ve been loving the shit out of Borderlands lately, so if anyone out there has it for Sexbox 360 I want to play co-op with you.

I need to finish the shit out of Borderlands soon, though, because Dragon Age comes out tomorrow.  I preordered it on Steam (more on that in a second) so I should be able to play it immediately.  It’s your standard go-out-and-kill-the-marauding-hordes-with-a-sword type of thing.  Kind of excited; I really liked Neverwinter Nights back in the day and this is by the same dudes.  GRIMGAW, TO ME!

Anyways, Steam is pretty nice.  I gotta preface by saying that I’m a fan of online stores.  The iTunes Store, XBOX Live, these are things that allow me to near instantly acquire things I want without bullshit (also good since I don’t have a car to get to places like Best Buy).  Steam is a client you install on your PC that allows you to purchase new and old games, and to pre-order games that will be released in the future.  The games are delivered by download, and it’s kinda cool since it acts as a dashboard where you can launch all the games on your computer.  For old times’ sake, I bought Zuma Adventures and Bookworm Adventures.  Goddammit I love Bookworm, where you defeat your enemies with the power of words (the longer, the better).  One time I one-shotted an enemy by spelling the word “prosthetic” from a pool of 16 jumbled letters and felt like a god.  Wwhazz, it may be up your alley in a Bananagrams-ish way.

The Wildcat Formation

Today’s science lesson: the Wildcat Formation.  I’ll be shamelessly using Wikipedia as my primary source for this paper; it’s the baddest source I ever saw (like Michael Jackson’s Bad or George Thorogood’s Bad to the Bone, not bad bad.)

The Wildcat Formation is a “variation on the single-wing formation,” used in high school and college football for years but currently showing well in the NFL as well.  It is heralded most directly by a direct snap to the running back.

One reason that the formation is so effective is that

the rushing play is 11-on-11 (although different variations have the running back hand off or throw the football). In a standard football formation, when the quarterback stands watching, the offense operates 10-on-11 basis. The motion also presents the defense with an immediate threat to the outside that it must respect no matter what the offense decides to do with the football.

The Miami Dolphins have had considerable success using the Wildcat, and even teams that don’t run it themselves admit that they have to spend extra time preparing the defensive plan to counter.

Check this page of search results for more videos describing and showing the formation in the wild.

Now onto other news… this piece of goddamned fucking nonsense has officially replaced Daniel Hinkel (he bought me a drink at the Karaoke Kid; not a bad fellow) in the pantheon of Stupid Shit Written for a College Newspaper (2009 Edition).  So in the interest of being added to yet another Enemies List somewhere in a Langdon St. efficiency, I give you Motherfucking (I Am Not Kidding) Erin Kay Van Pay:

According to Dr. Michael Farken of California’s Santa Barbara Regional Psychiatric Hospital, “Peen-Face” is a temporary physical condition that comes to fruition upon photographing a subject without their knowledge. It has serious consequences for the reputation of the victim. Peen-Face occurs when the subject’s mouth is open so far wide and in such a manner that it appears that a “peen” has either just been inside the cavity or is about to penetrate it. As the number of pic and run incidents increases, the number of Peen-Face cases increase s proportionally. Victims are typically in the background of the photograph talking, eating or playing beer pong. Lewd comments almost always follow the posting of pictures that contain this ailment.

Texas A&M freshman Sam D., 18, was shocked to find that moments after his buddy tagged a picture of him at a house party in which he had moderate Peen-Face, seven comments from three friends were posted accusing Sam of homosexuality. “My friends now think I’m gay. I was on the phone when [the picture] was taken… with my girlfriend.” Adds Sam, “Peen-Face has ruined my relationship and my life.”

Daily Cardinal: if that is supposed to be an attempt at humor, then you have failed spectacularly.  You now have XPAC Heat. I hate writing GET-OFF-MY-LAWN opinions about college idiots, but when you write something so spectacularly stupid that it will probably used as a punchline in the next Funny/Stupid/Epic/Action Movie in the franchise (punctuated by someone’s dick getting exposed/hit/falling off or a fart that blow dries someone’s hair/smells/causes an explosion) it stimulates my Old Man Ganglia and I start shaking my fist at no one in particular.  Stop.  Just stop. Please.

Packers vee The Chicago Pisswizards

Spacebee and I are heading up to Lambeau in a few hours to take in a lovely evening of storied rivalry between the Green Bay Packers and those other guys.  We’ll be staying overnight in some guy’s RV that will be parked in my brother’s wife’s family’s driveway.  Should be a blast– I’ll update twitter with witty tweets LIVE from the game.

I got home safely from the California yesterday.  In a surprising twist, and for the first time in recorded history, my flight went form being delayed 1.5 hours to being scheduled for an on-time departure.  When I saw that I had to throw back the Jameson I’d ordered and hustle to the gate to make it in time for boarding.  I sat next to a helluva guy who was returning from Vegas with friends (if you’re ever in the Arlington Inn, give them all a holllarit and tell them ‘that guy from the plane’ sent you.)

I do apologize to everyone I didn’t see when I was out in the Yay Area (especially GMC), but I’ll be returning to dem parts roundabouts December 6th.  In the meantime, how about y’all try your hand at beating me in the 2009 Whazzmaster Survival Football Extravadanza.  You may win (note: you won’t win.)