Raise a Twank

Found one of the best TNG episodes ever on my dvr today: Second Chances.  My apologies for the length; this one gets tricky.  It also includes the greatest star trek poker scene in media history at 43 minutes in.  Away we go:

JAZZ PARTY IN TEN FORWARD. ANY REQUESTS? NIGHTFOX! bitch. BOODLE-BOODLE. TIME FOR AN AWAY MISSION: WTF?!?!? RIKER NUMBER TWO?! TRANSPORTER REFLECTION OF THE ION SHIELD! EIGGGGGHHHHHTTT YEEAAAAAAAARS! CMD RIKER WANTS WORK, LT RIKER WANTS TROI, TROI WANTS A BONER– TAI CHI! 5 CARD DRAW, NO LIMIT: LT.RIKER BET 50, WORF FOLD, CMD.RIKER STRING RAISE 10(!), DATA CALL 60, LT.RIKER STRING RAISE 100, CMD.RIKER STRING RAISE 20(!!), DATA FOLD, LT.RIKER STRING RAISE 300, CMD.RIKER STRING RAISE “EVERYTHIN YOU GOT LEFT”, LT.RIKER FOLD.  fold? FOLDDDDDDDDD!  DON’T YOU DARE GO OVER MY HEAD! BOODLE-BOODLE: TIME FOR AN AWAY MISSION! WTF? DEEP HOLE IN THE GROUND! HALP! GRAB MY HAND! DROP ME! NO! YES! NO! DATABASE RETRIEVED! THOMAS RIKER, SHIPPING OUT… DON’T FORGET YOUR NEW TROMBONE!

Put Some Stank On It

We’re headed towards cliff, my friends.  Always a terrifying experience to be aimed headlong over the edge, but when the cliff in question is of one’s own making it can make you question how you got here.  May the First ends some things and begins many; it will mark the triumphant end of No Booze April (lost 12 pounds), I’ll be jetting to San Franseezy For Sheezy to talk nonsense to a large gathering, it will officially be The Summer of Love, most weekends my activities will be preordained, Prince Fielder might hit a home run at some point, Joe’s Casino may open several times if any shambling hobos amass outside her doors, I’ll finish that Cah-razy 1949 Frank Norris book I stoled from wwhazz, my first attempt at programming a video game may get finished, and much, much more.

Wwhazz’s thoughts on my impending San Fran trip: wait outside the library and mug Cal when he emerges.  Like, not fake “hahaha!” mugging, but really push him on the ground and take his money.  Maybe cuff him on the side of the head if he doesn’t give up the goods.  “He’ll know it’s me!” I yelled.  “Not if you wear ladies pantyhose over your face,” he calmly replied.  I don’t think I’ll do it though: (1) he likely knows tai-chi or some other oddball marshal art that would render my attack ineffective (2) what if Greg is with him at the time (3) what would I rob him of? Forty cents, a MUNI pass, and his gilt-framed picture of Greg?  Not worth the trouble.  However Cal, if on the nights of May One, Two, or Three you wish to meet me at McTeague’s for a steam beer then I will assent.

I really, really wish I could have a little video camera that caught maddd’s reaction when he opened the MINI-CHIP set.  Did you think something was suspicious due to the small package size?  Did you think you were getting full size chips right up until you opened the case itself? At what exact point did you know you’d been played for a fool by Jokerstars?

I really, really wish I could attend both the Top Hat Guitar Hero Affaire and Wwhazz’s Ho-Chunk Adventure this weekend but alas I’ll be visiting my poor family a-way up in Door County.  I fondly imagine that the Top Hat Affaire will end with someone smashing the GH controller into the Fancy Booze Tray.

Here’s a Bachelor Party Update: date not confirmed but likely August 7th, cookout at wwhazz’s house including various lawn olympics (bags, ladder ball, washers), poker tournament to follow, Joe’s Casino to follow that, Thunder Road tourney to follow that, Air Hockey tourney maybe to follow that, bars to follow that stuff.  Put some Stank on it, friends– comin’ out! Watch your dicks!

Business is Picking Up, BY GAWD!

In my natural habitat

Business has surely picked up in the last three weeks and it’ll continue to gain steam right up until August 28th.  We’ve hit the home stretch in our current release development at work, while at the same time I’m prepping for a presentation to 400 engineers in San Francisco in early May.  I’m pretty nervous about the latter, but with my code complete deadlines I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to prepare and rehearse.

Wwhazz keeps wanting to show me spawning muskies but I’m trying to fit it in with the gym, work, wedding planning, and playing Morning Golf with Lawman.  Morning Golf is a time-honored tradition where you golf at the crack of dawn and then scamper into work relatively on time.

I want to remind you folks that Joe’s Casino is always open, and that they honor Mystique and Diamond Jo’s player cards.  Fuck it: let’s just go to Mystiquewho’swithmeamIrtieamIrite?

As I mentioned before I’ll be out in the Bay Area May 1st through the 8th– HOLLLAR at a player when you seem ‘im in the streets, trick.  In the meantime I’ll be watching the Brewers rotation either (a) work the kinks out or (b) flush the whole fuckin season down the toilet.

I’m hoping for (a).

Opening Day Kinda-Live Blog!

Brewers~!

The 2010 baseball season is a time for hope, a time for joy, and not a time for cal.  Nice outdoor stadium, Twins, hopeyalike snow.  Why so glum, San Francisco? Your opening day is a rainout? Aww.  Sunny and 60 in Milwaukee.

No brats, beer, cookouts, or drunkeness for me today, thanks.  I’m just sipping coffee, pattering around computer code on my lappy, and watching Davey Nelson make one goddamn lunatic comment after another in the pregame show.  Nelly’s Nuggets!

C’mon Braun: hit like 20 dingers today.  I’d like to stone cold stunner the Dinger Kings right out of the gate.

Also: went to Ho-Chunk last night with the Laydee.  Had a kinda, sorta, ok dinner at the Copper Oak and then I Insta-Won $100 in craps, which I lost over the next 2 hours in a lunatic game of roulette where Stacy won $170.  All in all we had a nice little easter: a little gambling, a little sex, walleye.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy a (hopeful) Brewers blowout win on Opening Day.  Cal: keep your junk to yourself.

Sheer Brawn

I gots Ryan Braun in the Dinger League.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  In other words, y’all can suck it.  I have no idea how to play this weird game of yours but I know it involves dingers.  I also have a bunch of Cubs, which is kinda dumb but I guess its the ones that usually hit dingers.  Sigh.  Cubs.  Whuck?

Moo Hoo Ha Ha, Part Threeve

Thank god:

Ben Sheets was battered for 10 runs without retiring a batter in his latest poor showing, and the Cincinnati Reds beat the Oakland Athletics 13-5 Monday.

It’s good to know that dude is still terrible in other people’s hands.  We had some good times, Sheetsie, but you had to go and fuck us in the postseason with your typical sprained dick, and then sign with the Rangers and make the Brewers pick up the tab for your dicksprain.  Have fun sleeping on a cot in the Oakland hills and playing for the Moneyball Express.  Keep your chin up! If you get moderately good by the deadline you’ll be traded to the Marlins, Reds, or (gasp!) even the Pittsburgh Pirates.  Your star can only rise, rise, rise… like the home run ball you gave up in the above GDCF.

Wackity Schmackity Doooo

Nothing doing last week or this week.  For those that follow these sorts of things, NEXT weekend is Iowa!  Knock, knock… who’s there? Cal. Cal who? Cal in his yellows; gimme the fuckin’ whazz title! I’ll tie it to a brick and throw it through your window.  Not funny!

Wackity schmackity dooooo!

PS– When I said NEXT weekend I meant the weekend AFTER the next one.  I.e., March 20th.  It caused confusion with the trip planner, so a correction is due to you fine folk.  Seeya in Iowa, Cal!

Whatta Weekend

Spacebee's Birthday Hat

It was quite a celebratory weekend here in Madison; we pretty much partied straight through from Friday at 5pm when we set out for a fondue dinner of epic proportions.  Three hours later I was filled with tiny bits of boiled meat, veggies, and chocolate-covered rice krispies.  We met a few pals and then dove into more celebrations, and long story short I woke up Saturday morning not feeling the greatest.

A Spacebee coworker was retiring and had a bash at the Hilldale Great Dane on Saturday.  Free beer from 4pm until 7pm started things off, and I hilariously fell asleep at wwhazz’s with a beer in hand around midnight.  Hey: two consecutive party nights don’t agree with my 31 year old bones.  So sue me.

Alas, I think the Iowa trip has been delayed.  Consolations to belly for her loss, and hope everything goes well next weekend.  Diamond Jo will always be there, and I’ll be ready to stick my finger in the small of his back and whisper “gimme everything you got.”

I’m super behind on TNG on my DVR… need to sit down and catch up. I saw that Time’ Arrow is on there and excitement can’t describe my feelings.  HELP A FORTY NINER! HE’S GOT A BAD COUGH! OH NOES, AN ALIEN STOLED HIS LIFE FORCE! GUINAN, HALP! TIME WARP! PICARD IS A DANDY FOP! DATA IS A FRENCHMAN! SAMUEL CLEMENS OF THE 24TH CENTURY!

Settle for a Slowdown

Peninsula State Park

After an extremely busy holiday-and-January things have slowed down a bit (which is just fine by me.)  February was marked by a hectic work schedule, and even that’s starting to subside so let’s have some fun!

First on the docket: WIZP!  Lately I’ve really gotten back into Street Fighter IV.  What with Super Street Fighter IV coming out in April and the new MvC Fight Stick that Jay procured last week, I’ve been laying down a shitload of hadokens and shoryukens.

So shoot, what else. Whatelsewhatelsewhatelse.  Tattoos! We will all get tattoos of our rad name.  What is our rad name? SuperAwesomeCalsForever? That’s MY idea.

I’m looking forward to two things at this point:

1. Iowa trip (with additional guest appearance by my brother)
2. Vegas trip (because we haven’t been in a long time)

…and you can take that to the bank, Shakesman.

Spacebee’s birthday is this weekend. Wish her a happy birthday, Cal.  Or else.

Downhill From Here

Zach & Stacy at Big Powderhorn

Well, we got back safe and sound from Da Up North, Eh?  Had a ball in Bessemer with spacebee and the family.  As I mentioned earlier, we were afforded the unique opportunity to watch The Super Bowl at bucketheads in uptown Rhinelander.  They had $1.50 Miller Lites and free Hores Durves set out in back.  I drank three buckets of Jameson and then Stacy drove us ‘home’ to the Quality Inn.

I goddamned hate Super Bowl commercials.  “Here’s a talking (noun), buy our shit!”  “Here’s a wacky man-child (verbing) a (noun), buy our shit!”  “Here’s Tim Tebow, don’t get an abortion or prenatal care!”   Eat shit, Tim Tebow.

I skied for three days and fell down three times; that’s a shitload better than last year and I consider it a resounding success.  Let the mountains ring with God’s graciousness and ma-jest-fucking-ty!  We also returned to the infamous Pub N’ Grub for Thursday night karaoke.  All the old pals from last year were there and, again, by the end of the evening I was Marcus-n-Mcteague’n it with all of them.  Six dollar pitchers of Miller Lite and Jameson shots will do that, son. On the way back home I desperately wanted to go to (in order) the Watersmeet casino, the Lake of the Torches casino, and Ho-Chunk.  By the time we got south enough to consider Ho-Chunk, however, I just wanted to sleep on the couch the rest of the day. So… no Ho-Chunk.  I still owe wwhazz a night at the Canfield for his birthday, though, so anyone that wants in on that is welcome.

Wwhazz, thanks for doing our cat for a week.

There’s not a lot of upcoming events here at Whazzmaster Central– spacebee’s birthday is at the end of the month and at the same time (coincidentally) as my Yearly Start of Daily Wishing It Would Warm Up Already, Dammit.  I got her a birthday gift: The Big Minnie. Black. Clean. Tight Curl. Turquoise bead wrap.  Now that I look at the description that way I can’t decide whether I bought her a hat or a dildo. Say lah vee.

I really, really gotta get TNG on the Tivo.  We’ll make a space for it amid Spacebee’s ten thousand episodes of Criminal Minds.  There must be some room in all that serial killing for Data’s quest for humanity or Troi in a skin-tight leotard.  I assume that somewhere in history someone has already made a joke about a leotard being a retarded leopard, but the word still looks weird when I type it.

Pickles and grapes!