A Tremendous Display of Gluttony

So we all went out in San Jose last night, right? It started out as your typical night: lose the basketball game 60-20, go home pissed off, but then I took a shower and we drove down to meet Scott and Judd (and the Madd Scientist). We left Scott’s to go to the bar at about 11:30pm. I was under the impression that we were going to get there too late to do anything eventful. We paid our $5 to get into the Agenda to find that our group of 6 people effectively doubled the attendance on that particular night. I figured that the night was just a bust, but Judd said that we were there too early. 11:30pm. Too early. So we play som pool, and sure enough the place actually starts to fill up. It didn’t get wall to wall crazy, but there were enough people to make it interesting. There was one guy there, who everyone in our party called Ron Jeremy. He was a big guy with long hair and a beard, and he was drunk off of his shit. Personally, I thought he looked more like a fatter Kevin Smith. Now, I am not a violent man, but apparently Casperson is, because when Casperson walked into the bathroom and the bearded one said “What the fuck are you doing, bitch?” Casperson dropped him with one punch. I waltzed in to take a leak and the guy was in there with his friends saying “You remember the Beatles? Remember the Blue Meany? Well, there’s blue meanys all over this bar. We gotta go out the back.” We took our leave from the Agenda shortly thereafter.

We went to Iguana’s, of course. It was there that the evening took on a soulful, eerie, gluttonous aspect. You see, there exists in the world we live in an item called the Burrito-zilla. Iguana’s Taqueria sels such an item. If you eat said monstrosity in under 20 minutes, then you don’t have to pay for it. Scott has tried… and failed. The Madd Scientist wants to try, but he can’t even finish a Super Iguana burrito (exactly one-half the size of a Burrito-zilla). So, naturally, they both coaxed a large man neither of them knew to try and eat one. Bets were made, cameras were readied, and the largish man sat down to eat a Burrito-zilla in under 20 minutes. Just before kickoff, however, Madd Scientist angered a another patron of the taqueria by banging on the bathroom door “while she was trying to take a piss”.

As you can see below, Madd Scientist did not initially endear himself to her:

Oh Madd Scientist

The burrito was delivered to much fanfare and exclamations of “oh shit!”. A stopwatch was set up and Madd Scientist proceeded to badger the man as he readied himself.


He seriously ate about half of it in 3 minutes. Me and Kyle thought that there was no way he could lose. Then he started to look a little puzzled and/or sick…

About 5 minutes in…

Wow, this is where my conviction of a big guy win was starting to flag a bit. When you look deep into a man’s eyes and see only a growing pile of refried beans and carne asada, deep down inside you know that something bad is going to happen. No bites were taken for about 10 minutes, and at that point I decided that I might as well try to make some dollars off of this debacle. Someone mentioned side bets, so I took out all the singles I had on me (all $7) and put it up on the table against him finishing in the 20 minute limit. Scott jumped at taking this bet. The guy seemed to have a renewed interest in finishing then, and I worried that my money was as good as gone. It was about this time that Kyle nonchalantly added, “That burrito could feed 12,000 people in Somalia.” Then we got down to a minute left and I was more confident of a win, due in no small part to the look on the guy’s face here:

My victory is assured

So, I pulled out a twenty and called for another side bet. Tellingly, no won spoke up at this time. I think he was maybe sweating flour tortilla at this point. The end was anti-climactic to say the least; as we counted down from 10 seconds he just kept staring at the burrito and took a couple of small bites. I scooped up my skrilla, and me and Kyle hightailed out of there while everyone else stayed to see what happened when he finally finished. Last bite was captured on film:

Last Bite, Going Down

There is a moral here, but I’ll be damned if I can find it. Eyes bigger than stomachs, pride leads to downfalls, not biting off more than is chewable, don’t mess with black girls going to the bathroom, etc. After everyone cleared out of Iguana’s, we drove home and I went to bed. The end.

By the way, tonight we’re going to Reno so no updates till we get back. I am taking the camera, because Madd Scientist + Reno = ???! and I want it all captured on camera.

–whazz on

3 thoughts on “A Tremendous Display of Gluttony

  1. what’s up everyone…. it’s steven, former employee of the hojo… just thought i’d post a quick message to say hi to everyone while i’m at work thinking of new and creative ways to spend 8 hours in a cubicle avoiding my supervisor so she can’t change my project again. san diego’s going good. the job is cool, the people i work with are cool, but i’m suprised the walls haven’t fallen down yet in the office, because the people who are in charge are so inept. oh well, enough about the office…. how is everyone? anyways, my email is sejercito@neighborhoodhouse.org, and i’ll be checking the posting regularly now that i know the website…. i did hear that that wirkus guy is hella sketchy though…. j/k….

  2. ok i’m inspired by all this… here is my contest idea:

    everyone gets to write 20 lines of battle rap.
    the winner is judged by michael springer.
    call it michael springer’s battle rap extravaganza. or something to that effect.

  3. blarg-blarg-blarg I drank too much when I said that I was not going to drink too much again.

    Sorry about my dropping off from the map. I had a rugrats Christmas in Wild Rose. Seriously, I had Christmas last weekend, and also came close to death from bubonic plague.
    I love being, “a grown up”. This entitles you to play poker all day instead off talking.

    I was just rudely booted from this site because of some pushey guest.
    Whazz, ewaz

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