I’m So Goddamn Awesome

Have you ever had just a really great fucking day? I mean, when you do everything you set out to do plus about 40 other things? Today was one of those days for me, and since I’m so goddamn pleased with the way the last 13 hours have turned out, I figured I’d share it with the world. Now, you have to understand is that a typical day for me entails shoving off for work at about 9-9:30am, returning home at around 6pm, and then watching TV the rest of the night. I’m working out these days, but overall that just pushes the TV watching back an hour every night. Today, however, I was like a man possessed. Possessed by some… inspired… working… thingy. Anyways, here is everything I have accomplished since waking at 8:30am (using the now-famous whazzmaster.com list format):

1. I uploaded all of my digital pictures taken between my trip home and now to snapfish.com. Once you have your digital pictures uploaded into albums, you can share the albums for your friends to look at, or you can order hard copy prints of them for between $0.25 and $0.39 apiece. I ended up getting (I think) about 116 prints for $17, which is not bad in my book. Since the Fish is located in downtown San Francisco, I should have the prints by tomorrow or the next day. That’s just plain fucking awesome to me for some reason.

2. I got to work and put the finishing touches on the BATS Webcenter. Not one of you knows what that is, but I had been devoting quite a bit of time on it at work since late November, and actually had been prototyping it back in August, so for it to finally be done and in use I’m pretty excited. It was a major project for me and it came in on time and looking good, which should be a plus a review time.

3. I had a 1-on-1 with my manager for the first time in more than a month. If you are no subject to the 1-on-1, it is basically where your manager says “where are you on this project”, “where are you on that project”, “I’m assigning you this other project”, etc. It is where I get feedback from the work I’ve done and my manager had good things to say about a tutorial I ran for two groups on the aforementioned Webcenter. Nice.

4. Eric, Ellen, Rougeyar, and I finally met to figure out the problems with moving forward with the BATS STATS problem. Again, no one knows what this is, but I’ve been waiting so goddamn long for this to move forward that I’m goddamn pleased just that we had a meeting. Just a small plus in my day of a million pluses.

5. I updated my Objectives database for the first time in 2 months or more. My Objectives database tracks everything I’m supposed to be doing. It holds such info as what projects I’m working on, what percentage of them I have done, who’s working with me on said projects, etc. I never update it because I always forget and, actually, you know, do the damn work. I don’t like reporting on the work I’m doing. It’s your basic TPS Report, and I have to fill it out in triplicate. Woe is me, but now its done. I don’t have to do it for awhile now. Soooo, that’s why it’s a plus. A feather in my cap, as Colonel Cathcart would say.

6. I authored 2 automated scripts today. Typically this would be only an average achivement for myself, but with everything else I did today, the fact that I also finished two scripts is about as awesome as Kankakee Bowling. A thought: if Capcom ever made a video game version of Kankakee Bowling, would part of the game be to run to the end and set up the pins while dodging balls flying at you from both lanes?

7. I played a fucking kick-ass game of Snood on my work computer. Like, a 14,000 point ass-kicking of a game. Hell yeah, dog.

8. I had an awesome workout. Today was chest and I just fucking busted it, yo. I was in the gym at around 9pm so all of the people who get memberships in January and cancel in February had already gone home. Machines and weights were available. And I even felt good enough at the end to bust a set of forearm exercises. I’ma be one Popeye looking motherfucker come July. I’m gonna lift Erin over the threshold and then throw her 100 yards without effort. Boo. Yah.

9. On the way home stopped to get some food at grocery store. Usually my grocery runs consist of tater tots, taquitos, Hamburger Helper, hamburger meat, turkey, and provolone. There’s other stuff too, but its all just window dressing for the real stuff. Today I went mad in the store. I was buying peaches, apples, a pineapple (A GODDAMNED WHOLE PINEAPPLE!), Triscuits, milk, bread, carrots… I just don’t know what to say. I was like, fuck saturated fat, I’ma eat veggies from now on. And fruit. And milk. And Triscuits. Don’t worry Kyle, I bought the Reduced Fat Triscuits. I also bought something else that I will describe in point 11 below.

10. I got home put away the groceries, took out the garbage, did the dishes, and processed 2 loads of laundry. To give you an idea of how little I do on a given day, this bullet point alone may make Erin weep with Joy. One thing that still needs to be done is to take out the christmas tree to the curb. I would make this the best day of my goddamned life if I could get that monstrosity out of the house before erin got home. She would love me forever. She’d play a joyous tune on her fiddle. I bet I would get laid. Now I just might do it. I’ll update later if I can get it done.

11. I bought a Maxim magazine for the first time in over 2 years. I know this will only bring harsh criticism from Jen H., and I do realize that Maxim really isn’t intelligent reading, but read on to number 12 to find out my cultural accomplishment for the day. I was just standing in line in Safeway and I saw it by the checkout. I figured “hey self, it’s been awhile since you’ve found out what dumb ol’ jokes, movies that everyone is already going to go see, and naked but not really naked chicks the guys of today are looking at fondly.” So I bought one, and here’s the kicker, I plan on reading it. I’m sorry, but after seeing Christina Aguilera flipping me off with no top on, something made me buy Maxim again.

12. I read 1 short story from Poachers. It was the one where the younger guy is talking to an old black man selling watermelons, and the old man asks him if his girlfriend ever cooks him pork chops. The young guy says “the best ever!” and the old man gets mad at him. The old man says “don’t ever eat no meat offered by a woman! They carry it around in their panties for 2 days and administrate on it before giving to you. After you eat it, you’re under they spell!” That reminds me to do three things: a.) be present as erin takes my meat out of the freezer. if it actually comes out of her panties, don’t eat it, b.) next time I do laundry inspect her panties for pork chop stains, and c.) if she is walking around in her panties, ensure that there are no pork chop-shaped outlines poking out.

So that’s my day! I think it may be the best day I’ve had since moving to Cali, but if not it’s right up there. It does me good after being a little down for the past few weeks to actually have an awesome day where shit gets done and I know who did it: me.

Now that the polling script is done, it’s time to start gearing up for the first whazzmaster.com contest. The first one chosen from our great list of submissions is: The Madd Scientist’s Whazzmaster.com Merchandise Slogan Contest™! Start thinking up your slogans and we’ll be soliciting suggestions soon. If we have a lot we’ll have to do some sort of run-off to get it down to the final number that we vote on. When thinking up slogans it helps to say whazzmaster.com first. For example, Whazzmaster.com: The Proof Is In The Pudding! I know Madd and Wirkus each are harboring secret thoughts of winning, but it’s open to everyone so post below your ideas. Winner gets a T-Shirt and Hat with whazzmaster.com logo and their slogan. CafePress.com also does custom thongs, so Jen, if you want a whazzmaster.com thong instead of the hat, we can arrange that. For that matter, if you want a thong, Madd, I think we can arrange that as well.

–Yossarian lives!

9 thoughts on “I’m So Goddamn Awesome

  1. Wirkuswhazz, I still do not remember puking on you so therefore it did not happen. As far as an event I would like to go back to, give me a few minutes to think about it, there may be mutiple, gotta go room a patient.

  2. Hello to all, Wirkus recently introduced me to this site and I have been silently observing. For anyone who did not partake in his 72nd birthday celebration you missed quite an evening. I am still feeling the effects at 4:15pm. I successfully survived a first day of school with a hangover that involved nausea and spinning when looking at any small print. And Ewaz was correct, I did vomit last night after my pint-o-gin and tonic from my new friend Jamie, the bartender at the Klinic. I also mistakenly allowed some crazy guy to take Wirkus’s camera into the bathroom and the end result was a pink flesh-like mass on the screen. Well Francies is calling my name, where I will smile and greet Inn Towner guests and show them to a table while the whole time suppressing my urge to vomit.

  3. G-Unit, guess who’s back, back again
    its the one they call Black & likes to sin
    think I might have some juice & gin
    love that look with the drunken grin
    might take a flight with the grey goose
    drinkin everynight to get loose
    why don’t you add a lemon
    how un-feminin
    make sure there’s plenty of ice
    think I’ll change to rum that’s spiced
    always tastes nice
    why don’t you make it twice
    cuz I need two perrre
    now I’ll switch to berre
    call a bitch to get over herre
    back to my place from therre

  4. A brilliant and fabulous thing just happenened here at good ol’ Intevac. I was looking for something to do, and my boss said the following: “Erin, I don’t have anything. Go surf the internet or something.” Let me tell you how great that sounds, considering the fact that I have charged 52 hours to this job through yesterday. So great.

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