Google Access Log Extravaganza!

You know what I did this last weekend? Nothing. And it was every bit as great as I thought it would be. It’s nice to take a week off from being hungover every now and then just to get the toxins out of your system. If you don’t you end up waking at 3pm on Sunday to wonder where your weekend went. So I did things like get a haircut, do some laundry, and not spend $100 at the bar. If I’m going to go gambling in one short month I’ll need all the money I can get together.

Somewhere out there someone is looking for a picture of a naked Brett Favre. And they somehow ended up at This and many other funny things happen when Google randomly crawls whazzmaster looking for all of the comedy goodness that I crap out on a thrice-weekly basis. Every week I get a report from my UW Computer Science web site that details how many people came to the site and how they got there. Usually, the report is something very stupid such as I got 1 visitor and he linked to the site from my name on the list of all UW CS students with web accounts. Today, however, I opened up the report and found some links so awesome that I am humbled to be a part of the interweb. Let’s step through them one by one:


    OK, so someone was in search of the elusive 2003 Caption Contest. Look, world, there are caption contests happening everywhere. A caption contest came in my fucking Jack in the Box meal yesterday. If you are looking for a particular caption contest, perhaps you should SPECIFY IT IN THE FUCKING GOOGLE ENTRY! Instead, they were directed to this site, where they most likely ended up leaving.


    Ahh, it’s good to know that there are psychos out there searching for me by name. And that name is? ZACHERY MONEYPENNy. Capital whole name, small ‘y’ on the end. I don’t know whether to be frightened or scared. I’ll just slowly back away from THIS ONe.


    This is where it starts getting good folks. You see, I have this thing about tiny robots, specifically ones that try to kill people, namely me. And all of a sudden I find out someone has been searching the net trying to desperately find one?! Specifically one that has a connection to BIRDSEED?!?! All I need to do now is use my hacker skillz to trace this google query back to its source and I think I may find out who the culprit is… … … … ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit the query came from inside the house!!!!!


    OK, the way this guy somehow got linked to my site was that he was looking for wrestling……. logos? Did I just read that right? Did he click on No, he clicked on What the hell would I have wrestling logos for?! As a matter of fact, what is a wrestling logo?! I mean, I can see if someone wanted a picture of the Brahma Bull or some shit, but then he has to go add the qualifier ‘falcons’. He asked Google, “Hey Google, show me some wrestling logos and slogans for falcons” and was somehow directed to my website.


    And now the cream of the cream. Someone was looking for naked pictures of Brett Favre and, through a mystery of sciecne that will never be explained, thought I had the goods when it came to that subject matter. Now, it was an innocent mistake for Google to bring it up in the search hits, because it was referring to this story, in which complained that I didn’t want to sit in a tornado and watch Brett Favre poop. The Googler in question must have thought I had pictures of Brett Favre pooping, which is all the more disturbing. Actually, when you read the entry in Google, it is so fucking hilarious that I must reproduce it here:

    … ton of money to sit in a tornado and watch Brett Favre poop his … in Myrtle Beach during
    Bike Week, which was awesome in its naked biker chick … Pic of the Moment. …

    I mean, it is quite amusing, but reading his entry, would you honestly think that I had the inside track on some hot naked Brett Favre pics? Do you?!

Not much else to report as it stands. I just bought a case of wine at and it was pretty easy, so if you are looking to buy a few bottles, you can pick it up there. Also, check back tomorrow for a new installment of Racine Crime Report. Until then, whazz on folks.

–Yossarian Lives!

6 thoughts on “Google Access Log Extravaganza!

  1. Looks like the Silver Dollar is doomed. A parking ramp will have to be the new afterwork hangout.

  2. 1. Thanks Eros. I heart you too.
    2. I just got a postcard from cal. I think its part of his PR campaign to convince people Rita exists.

  3. 1. Zachery has posted exactly one hour before his previous post
    2. Intuit has found a golden employee

  4. Hey, when is Danny going to take the lead as best Bell Captain? I can’t continue to work under the prospect of him losing this title!

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