Racine Crime Report

Its been a wicked while since I opened up the case files of the Racine County Police Department, and things have only got more retarded since we last visited the big manilla folder. Drunkeness abounds, as we see in our first story:

A 37-year-old man from Lake Forest, Ill., was arrested twice in three days on allegations of drunken driving. He was arrested Jan. 30 on State St. at McHenry St. with a blood-alcohol level of 0.447, more than four times the amount considered proof of intoxication in an adult driver. He also was arrested on allegations of failure to yield and driving without a license. On Feb. 1 he was arrested in the 300 block of Conkey St. and registered 0.387 on a preliminary breath test.

Wow. You know, I once knew someone who had a BAC of .447… but then he died. He certainly didn’t wake up three days later and say “I’m gonna try to make myself bleed scotch… again.” And look, Racine Police, if a guy has a BAC of .447 and he manages to drive without dying, do one of two things: hit him over the head with a nightstick until he cannot legally drive for the rest of his life due to brain damage, or shake his hand and send him home as a hero. Do not give him a ticket for failure to yield. That’s just a puss-out.

Three men were wanted for failure to pay $5 of their tab Jan. 29 at the White Fox Den, 864 Milwaukee Ave.

I wish I was the bounty hunter who dragged these guys in to justice.

A vehicle worth more than $1,500 was stolen Jan. 28 from the 4800 block of Indian Hill Drive. Racine police recovered the vehicle Jan. 29. A stereo and other items worth more than $1,000 also were stolen from the vehicle.

Simple math tells me that the car was worth little more than $500. Simple logic tells me to not keep things twice as valuable as the car the reside in inside said car. It’s just begging for trouble.

A 37-year-old man was arrested Jan. 31 at the police station, 6200 Durand Ave., after he came to the department on an unrelated matter. While he was at the station, it was discovered that the man was wanted on a warrant for non-support. The man posted bail and was released.

Let me put it this way. If my neighbor wants to kick my ass because my dog crapped on his lawn and my kids set his gazebo on fire, I sure as shit ain’t going over to ask for a cup of sugar.

A cell phone and two boxes of breakfast bars of unknown value were reported stolen Jan. 28 from a truck in the 26500 block of Marion Court.

Call Scotland Yard. There’s breakfast bars missing.

Well I tried to find Madison’s version of Police Files, but sadly the Capitol Times and Wisconsin State Journal are bunch of assclowns and they make you pay to access shit like that. Fuck you, Madison, I ain’t paying to find out a student crapped in someone’s bushes on Regent Street, I’ll just assume it happened and go on with my life.

–Yossarian Lives!

4 thoughts on “Racine Crime Report

  1. Well it’s what ever time it says it is and I ‘;m on my way to go party with DJ Scibbs. Thing s turned out way better than e\xpected and I’m drunk. To mention on wirkus’s comment all was gravy

Comments are closed.