Case Study: A Fucking Tool

There comes a time in one’s life when one has to decide if one is an elitist bitch. Sometimes it may happen when you’re walking down the street and you think bad thoughts about all those around you, only to realize that the people are just being people. Other times it may hit you while trying to decide if another person is one. Let’s leave the meta-elitism out of this discussion and focus on one Daniel Hinkel, a junior majoring in journalism at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. Like all journalism majors, he can’t write for shit, but decides to anyways.

He also writes paragraphs such as these.

And you all know my feelings about that.

So anyways, this fucker decides to go to Vegas for his Spring Break. He decides to go to Vegas as one of those idiots who has no idea what Vegas is about. Him and his retarded friend decide to treat Vegas “like Madison with better weather, no bar time, legal gambling and eight-dollar drinks.” There’s your first strike, junior. Vegas is so much more than Madison that my brain shorts out thinking about how to compare/contrast them.






 Madison Vegas
Gambling Nasty, cheating Native Americans The Bellagio
Drinking Get head butted by frat boys on state street IT’S FREE
Women Easties who won’t give you the time of day Easties who won’t give you
the time of day, with huge breasts. Also, strippers.

Whatever, just know this: he says that Vegas is just like Madison except for gambling. Except that he apparently hates gambling. Look folks, unless you’re some 80 year old grandma who likes Celine Dion a lot, don’t go to Vegas if you don’t like gambling. Vegas=Gambling. How many times must it be said? HOW MANY TIMES?

So this fucking Einstein places $3 on a $10 minimum roulette table, and when he is told by the dealer to (rightfully) fuck off, he gets all offended and wants to challenge him to a State Capital Naming contest or some shit, to prove that he is the better man because he’s college educated. Jesus. Yeah, you motherfucker, I’m sure that he was “clearly wanting” to hit you “in the face with the small wooden rake he was using to hoe in money from customers willing to obey the “$10.00 Minimum” sign he now was angrily jabbing at.” You stupid son of a bitch, go down to fucking Fremont and play $1 roulette if $10 is too rich for you. Do you go walking into Tornado Room and ask for a steak for $3? Motherfucking shit-piss goat-fucker that guy is stupid.

Apparently, this champion’s only other worthwhile Vegas story was when he was standing at a bar waiting for drinks (in a casino) (while his friend was playing blackjack) (which presumably would mean that they could get free drinks) (but only if they are not fucking idiots) (which is probably not the case here) and he overhears a pimp of some kind talking about he keeps his bitches in check. Instead of thinking this fucking hilarious, as any normal college student would, our hero decides that it represents everything that is wrong with Vegas. He then writes that he laughs in the pimp’s face, and when the pimp gives him a “hard-ass glare” he “waves him off and walks away”. Sure you did, cocksucker. Sure you did. More than likely you crawled back to the blackjack table with your two PURCHASED FUCKING BEERS and whispered to your friend the terrible things you just witnessed.

To summarize, in this shitting cockmaster’s final paragraph he states If Sin City is the Pierce replica’s turf, I would gladly concede it to him. It’s clearly not mine. I don’t really gamble and I certainly don’t “check bitches.” So, he doesn’t like gambling, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with the filth that inhabit the city, and he doesn’t know that you get free drinks when gambling. Why the fuck did he go there. Moreover, why is he now bitching to the UW campus about his being a retard. Moreover still, tell him next year to go to South Padre Island or some other fucking place where he can vomit Bud Ice in some chick’s mouth all Spring Break. Just keep him the fuck out of Vegas.

4 thoughts on “Case Study: A Fucking Tool

  1. Zach, you can spit venom with the best of them. You are Dennis Miller and George Carlin wrapped into one.

  2. Zach from San Mateo

    I challenge you to a Spelling Contest! or a State Capital naming contest, whichever you prefer! Bring it on, I’m not ussually up for “checking bitches” but I’m willing to make an exception to the rule.

  3. I am at Helen C. White right now, in the computer lab. I forgot to turn my cell phone off and it just rang, which would normally be embarrassing. Except, I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR IT BECAUSE IT IS SO GOD DAMN LOUD IN HERE! I hate college library. I wish I was at the Comp Sci building. *Sigh*

  4. I actually know Hinkel and I must say your interpretation of his vegas trip was right on. I just found out about this site and He actually was the one who made me aware it. Also, its pretty fucking funny that you paired him with Jamie Kennedy. He’s a friend, but like you said, why’d he go?

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