Smackdown really sucks tonight, and it’s still more than an hour until Sex2K: Tucker Max Style on MTV, so I figured I’d just sit here with the ol’ laptop and post some shit.
First things first: Los Angelos post is done as far as I’m concerned, and has been passed to Judd for his comments to be added. I asked Madd if he wanted to add anything, and he said he only remembered the 30 minutes he already posted last story, so anything else is beyond him.
Note: John Cena just had a battle rap with Spanky on Smackdown, and that was actually pretty cool. Also, Cena’s finisher is the Death Valley Driver, but he calls it the “F-U”. Umm. ok.
OK, now onto my stream of conciousness shit.
While we were on vacation last weekend, I ended up telling Judd about the concept of your soul. See, when we talk about shit, we sometimes have a habit of saying things like “it was good for my soul” or “my soul hurt”. The soul in question is not my Christian soul, or some other weird New Agey thing. It simply means, to me, my worth as a person. You see, while I don’t subscribe to the notion that some guy is judging me on how many Hail Marys I say, or how much I tithe to the church, I do believe that being a good person is a good goal in life. That’s maybe why Madd’s “you’re fat” game makes me unconfortable, the same as why I mostly can’t read Tucker Max without wincing. I mean, more power to them if they can pull it off, but I can’t do it. Most of the time, I can surely tell if something is good for my soul. It could be something as little as getting up early and going to work out. If I’m acting like a productive human, my soul is on the upswing. However, long-term downshifts are a little tougher to recognize, as far as I can tell. For example, I would like to think that I’m the same guy who shipped out of Madison in Late June, 2001. I’m fairly certain that’s not true, though. The questin is, however, what changed? I moved to California, I got engaged, I joined corporate america, I have more responsibilities and debt than ever, and I rather explosively left the “college environment”. Any one of those things is drastic enough to change someone, and I’ve done all at once. But still we’re left with the question.
I’d like to think that my want and willingness to move back to Milwaukee at some point is indicitive that I haven’t lost it that far, but I’m sitting here questioning myself even as I type. Do I admire the blue collar ideal that I did 2 years ago? I think I do. After seeing what I’ve seen in this business, I certainly respect it. Would I be willing to go work as a bellman or in a factory? I feel I wouldn’t be lying if I said “yes”. I certainly feel right now that I’m trapped in a situation. I have about $38,000 in loans right now, and I’d like to clear myself before moving on. I’m a big fan of new beginnings, and each new one has really helped me develop as a human. I left Racine to move to Madison, I left Wisconsin to move to California, and as soon as I’m clear of the debt, I have the opportunity to move to new environments. I used to see vacations as just “get away from where I am for a few days.” Now I view it as “let’s see if I could live here some day.” I think this attitude kind of began when I went to Louisiana for Spring Break one year. Lake Charles was so different from anything I’d seen before, that I had no choice but to try and imagine life there. I mean, visiting somewhere 1 hour away doesn’t typically give you an eye-opening experience; visiting somewhere 40 hours away is.
Have you ever imagined yourself as being famous for something? I have, ever since I performed Bust-a-Move in Mr. Park in 1997. I wanted crowds cheering for me. But what the hell am I going to do to perform? Sure as shit ain’t going to rap. Can’t play any instruments. Dont’ act. Don’t make art. Can’t write. I write goddamned computer code that no one even really uses. It’s thoughts like that that bring you down. So what I do is turn my thoughts to another way to look at life. Have fun, use the money made from writing that goddamned code to do what I’d do if I was still in college. My college days were spent continually learning, with people that were fucking awesome. If I can do that for the rest of my days, that’d be fine.