Same song, I’m back, been around the world/Ro-mancing girls that dance with girls/From, Club Cheetah, to Club Amnesia/The Venus in L.A., Bubblin’ in Dublin’s :: Jay-Z
Today was like one of those fly dreams/Didn’t even see a berry flashin those high beams/No helicopter looking for a murder/Two in the mornin got the Fatburger :: Ice Cube
I used to hate all over Los Angelos. But after Madd, Judd, Kendric, and myself went down there for fun in the sun and/or liquor bottle, I now have revised my opinions. It. Is. Awesome.
First things first: It’s about 5 1/2 hours down to LA from the Bay Area. We took off at 2pm on Friday afternoon in two cars. Kendric and Judd were in Kendric’s primed Mustang convertible, while me and Madd were in the Ack-curr-a. Leaving Kendric’s apartment, the whole trip had a suspicious Cannonball Run feel to it. Sure enough, we get to the first possible intersection, and Kendric goes to turn left while Madd says “Navi says right, I’m going right.” We didn’t see them again for several hours. About half-way through the trip we stop at a roadside travel center in the middle of the central californian wasteland. Our purchases include: 2 vanilla ice cream cones from McDonalds, 1 double cheeseburger from McDonalds, 1 plastic Chevron travel mug, 1 stainless steel Chevron travel mug, and an 18 pack of Miller Lite cans. Also, jerky. True to the Cannonball Run theme, we were loading up the car and pouring our first of many secret travel mug beers when the white Mustang roars into the parking lot. They jump out to piss while me and Madd brag about our ice cream and beer. We then take off. After having a few beers, I complain that there’s nothing to do. Madd says, “There’s porn in the trunk.” I pull out a Playboy from March 2001 and start reading it. Madd tells me I’m stupid for reading the articles. I look at the navi and it says we have about 3 1/2 hours to LA. I tell Madd he is dumb, and I’m going to get as much entertainment from this thing as I can. Also, Brooke Burke’s nipples are kind of fucked up. Not good looking.
An aside: Madd has a 20gig MP3 player, and his brilliant idea to provide music for the trip was to start a hundred Kazaa downloads the night before and just copy the results into the player for the ride. The result of this staggeringly awful strategy? A song where it’s just some guy repeating over and over “heat rays. *doo doo doo* heeeaaaat rays *doo doo doo* HEEEAAATTT RAAAYYYYS”. I was very close to losing it.
Anyways, while stopping for my 12 year old, girlish bladder, Judd and Kendric flew by and got ahead of us. Just before hitting the mountains to get into the valley, we all stopped for dinner at a Subway. I will tell you that there were black and latina girls working behind the counter and give you one guess as to what Madd did. Oh yeah, he went there. I honestly can’t remember what we talked about while we ate outside that Subway in the middle of nowhere. If someone remembers, please tell me.
So we get into LA and Madd drops me off at Judd’s friend’s apartment. His friend is out of town for the weekend, and gives us the keys to it. We sit around for awhile, then Judd and Kendric leave to get liquor while I fill out the Poop Log. After finishing that, I’m sitting there watching the basketball game when there’s a knock on the door. I answer it and it’s some guy who walks right past me into the apartment and goes “Hey! Who are you?” I am completely confused at this. The guy says, “Cool, you’ve got the game on.” And he proceeds to sit down and start eating a Togo’s sandwich he brought with him. I am very confused. He chats with me while I sit and try to figure out what I will do if he makes a grab at me or pulls a gun or whatnot. It turns out the guy is a neighbor of the guy who lives in the apartment, and in eerily-similar-to-a-sitcom fashion, he just bounces in sometimes to visit. Judd and kendric get back and its fucking gimlet time, so I don’t care. The neighbor offers to give us a ride down to the bar, and so we get ready to go.
We head down to Venice/Santa Monica. I’m still not sure exactly what you call what area. So this place called the Circle Bar is where we are standing in line at. Line’s not too long, but lines in LA operate at a different wavelength and frequency than lines in our reality. Girls, no matter how ugly, down dressed, or fat, were let in immediately. Only guys stood in line. We were at the head of the line, next into the door, for 15 minutes or more. During this time Cal called me, which I’ll just copy and paste from when I posted it yesterday:
Cal, when you called me on Friday night I was in line at a club in LA. I attempted to casually and cooly flip open the phone and say “what’s up” to impress all those LA-ites around me. Instead, I drunkenly flipped the phone into the air and it landed on the concrete while I was going “OY, lady!” in my best Jerry Lewis impression. I did not come out of that one ahead in life. Thanks a lot for calling. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING. :: Moneypenny
We finally get into the place and it is very small, and very crowded. The one thing that is good, however, is that the idea of not letting in many guys but all the girls seems to work out. Most of the women in there were pretty good looking (though why should i care, right Erin?) which was great for Judd and Kendric. Overall a pretty chill night. Judd ended up in a conversation with 3 completely different chicks at practically the same time, while some girl was trying to dance with me and tell me some random fact about San Francisco. I couldn’t even figure out what she was talking about. That may have been due to my vodka intake. We cabbed it home from there, which wasn’t too bad at $20, and I hit the mattress with a heavy case of the spins. Mercifully, I passed out before the spins got me. I slept on a bare mattress on the floor, Kendric slept on a bean-bag chair, and Judd slept on the couch. Halfway through the night the temperature dropped from X degrees to X-120 degrees. We all woke up in the morning shivering in various ways. Judd had taken off his clothes before he went to sleep, in the morning he had them all on again. Kendric was using his sweatshirt for a blanket. I just froze with no apparatus to help me.
How many times have you fell asleep with your contacts in your eyes? None? Fuck you. I put in my contacts on Friday morning and didn’t take them out until Monday morning 1am. My eyes felt like they had socks on. Beat that.
We checked out of our guest home and drove down to the UCLA campus to get some breakfast. I got a shit-ton of food for $7, and proceeded to stuff myself full of hash browns, OJ, and fruit. Also, I hear you can see a lot of tits and asses walking around near campus. I wouldn’t know, I didn’t look. We bounced to the hotel we were staying at for Saturday night to check in. On Sunset=very fucking tight. We were about 2-3 blocks from all the bars we had wanted to go to, so driving wasn’t going to be an issue (at least not for us). Next stop: the beach.
We drive for about 40 goddamn hours and get to the beach. Walk around a bit, see some nice sights, and then I go to buy some clothes for the evening. It was ok to walk around, and the weather was just awesome, but nothing really exciting happened so I’ll just skip right to the dinner. Wait, one funny thing was that there were all these street performers on the promenade, and most of them were slave-labor children playing guitars and singing pop music while their masters collected the money. One performer, though, advertised himself as an “ex-Harlem Globetrotter” who “was the inspiration for all those Nike commercials”. People gathered all around him, and he did some cool tricks, but none of them involved dribbling. He also seemed a bit homosexual, for what its worth. We watched for a minute, but as soon as he stopped the show and started demanding money from those watching, we took off.
We went out to eat dinner in the Beverly Center, which was (I think) Beverly Hills’ Mall. It was this place called The Grand Lux, and it was in the top 5 meals of my entire life. LIFE. Also, we had a gay waiter who thought we were gay. When he found out we were from the Bay Area, he said “Oh, maybe you can help me! I’m going up there for a job interview, and I need a hotel. Do you know any good hotels in the Castro district.” We all said, “Uhh.. no.” Also, he gave us a free dessert. That’s all I have to say about that.
After dinner we went back to the hotel and it was, you guessed it, fucking gimlet time again. Kendric’s friend who lives in LA came over to the hotel and we waited for a few minutes for Madd Scientist. Judd suggested that we would have a tougher time getting into Dublin’s after 10:30 since we didn’t have any girls with us, so we rolled down there and told Madd to meet us.
We walk in front of Miyagi’s, which is across the street from Dublin’s, and it already has a fairly big line at about 10:20. We walk across the street and then something weird happens. There are two bouncers standing in the parking area in front of the bar, and when we walk up (Judd, Kendric, Kendric’s friend, and me) some guy in a suit walks in front of the bouncers and says “Sorry guys, no one’s getting in tonight. Private party.” We turn on a dime to go back across the street, and the guy then says something like “wait, you guys are ok, get on in there.” We still have no idea what made the guy, in the space of a second, change his mind about us getting in. No cover, pretty good. We walk upstairs and it is ugly bachelorette city. Like 3 bachelorette parties. No good. We stand around for awhile, and eventually me and Judd separate ourselves from the other guys who were trying to attract some of the only hot chicks in there. Me and Judd were standing on the far side of the dance floor just basically talking shit about the crowd and the music, which was house music that no one really cared to dance to. Then it happened, with all the insanity that accompanies such things.
Madd Scientist showed up.
When asked what he did to get in, he replied “I’m drunk.” He then told a girl that her choice not to wear a bra that night was a good one. He then spied the ugliest chick in there and went for the jugular. Judd and I spent a good amount of time with our hands over our eyes looking down at the floor. On one occasion, he saw three black girls sitting in a booth and went over to shmooz with them. They were all joking back and forth, and they wanted Madd to buy them some drinks. He bought a shot for one of them, and then ran away. I think they caught up with him later on, but I wasn’t paying a whole lot of attention there. One of the last times I saw Madd that night was when we were standing around a table and two girls came up. One of them had two drinks in her hand, and she wanted to set down the drinks so she could get something out of her purse/pocket. The following exchange actually happened:
Girl: “Hi, can I set these drinks down here?”
Madd: “Sure, don’t mind if I do.” (Picks up one of the drinks and puts it up to his mouth to drink it)
Girl: “eew, you’ve probably got mono” (Snatches the drink away and turns to walk away with friend)
Madd: “That’s ok, you’re fat anyways”
Girl: “What the hell did you say?” (Swings around)
Madd: “I said you’re fat. Your friend is too.”
Girl: “Well, you’re fat and ugly.”
Girl (to her friend): “I could bench press his ass.”
Judd: “I don’t think that that helped her cause.”
Me and Judd tried to escape this situation by going to a nearby booth, but Madd says, “Don’t think you can escape me, I’m followin your asses!” and sits down next to us. We were in the middle of telling him its not cool to call chicks fat when the girls’ posse rolled up out of nowhere. Me and Judd went back to the hand over the eyes/stare at the floor technique while Madd gets into a semi-argument with these girls. At one point Madd says, “I’d like to go record right now saying that you two are fat as well.” They did not appreciate that comment. They yelled something at him and went to walk away. About 4 seconds later a handful of ice lands on us and the table. Judd is bemused, I am not. I start yelling at Madd Scientist, which causes a scene that Judd described as “pretty funny, but you didn’t think so at the time”. Ultimately, Madd said that it was the aforementioned black girls who threw the ice to get his attention. All in all: crazy.
So I’m now sitting on the other side of the club, and Judd comes walking up. We sit in a RESERVED booth and just sat and bullshitted for awhile. The shot girl came up and started flirting with us to try and sell us $3 shots in test tubes, but since we weren’t buying she continued on her way. At one point I got pulled into the VIP room, though it wasn’t so much a VIP room as a couple of booths set aside from the dance floor by a curtain and a bouncer. So there are some people in there and its some girl’s birthday, so they are all celebrating. I’m not exactly sure why I’m in there at that point, but I feel it had something to do with fucking awesome clothing choices from earlier in the day. So I’m chatting with the birthday girl’s boyfriend about our jobs, and he says he’s the Fleet Manager at some rental car manager. I tell him that sounds pretty ok, and he says it is shit. Madd starts calling from outside, but I don’t answer because I’m still pissed at him. One of the only good things about the VIP area is that (1.) you are the last people out of the bar period, and (2.) the bouncer don’t so much kick you out as just ask you to leave since everyone else is already gone. I tipped the bouncer on the way out since he was actually pretty nice.
By the time I get outside, Madd is already drunk driving off into the night, while Kendric was standing on the corner with his arm around a chick. Judd was nowhere to be found at first, but I found him later on. With not much left to accomplish that night, we headed back up to the hotel at around 3am(?).
Sunday was pretty lazy. We went back down to UCLA campus in Westwood and had breakfast/lunch at a Fatburger. Then we walked around the UCLA campus for awhile why we waited for Madd to come pick me up so we could all head home. While checking out the campus a Chinese lady switched lanes without looking and ran into another car in her blind spot driven by a large black woman who was none too happy with the events. There were women wearing white velour tight pants everywhere on campus. All ladies reading this, please pick yourself up a pair. They are fucking nice.
In a sitcomish turn of events, Madd didn’t have his cell, and couldn’t find us, and didn’t get the message I left him about where we were, and so he went all the way back to his friends’ house while we waited. Finally, I got a hold of him and told him I would just ride back with Judd and Kendric, which in retrospect was one of the smartest things I did that weekend.
We got on the highway back north, and basically the way it works is you take one highway east out of LA for about 80 or so miles, and then you get on Interstate 5 north which takes you pretty much all the way up. Well, we were so excited talking about the weekend and our future business ventures that we missed the turnoff for 5 North, and traveled another hour east before we realized it. We get off the highway to ask directions and I get the feeling that we drove all the way to the nation of Mexico. We go into a gas station that is in the middle of some sort of crime, where a really really drunk guy is pissing off the workers. They call the police and the drunk Mexican takes off. I go pee in the bathroom, and when I get back what I see is a police car pulling over a drunk guy on foot in the gas station parking lot. That was comedy. We decide to follow this road further on, since it turns north up the way, and settle in for an even longer trip back. We’re flying down this 4 lane highway at about 7pm on a Sunday in the middle of nowhere (think I-94 in Jefferson county somewhere) when all of a sudden we hit stopped, gridlocked traffic. We all simultaneously say “fuck”. So now we’re just hanging out in this stopped traffic in the middle of fields of apple trees and wine orchards. We do the typical shit where we say “If this is an accident, it better fucking be a good one for having shit be this slow.” So we finally get in sight of some police lights, and we see that our 2 lanes goes down to 1 lane. We get up next to the cars, and there is no accident, no non-emergency vehicles are even present. What there is, in the right lane, is a yellow tarp covering a body. The only visible thing is a hand sticking out of the side of the tarp. Yeesh. We didn’t know what to make of that, and it felt kinda weird for a few miles.
A couple of hours down the road and now we’re hungry as hell, and its about 9pm. We left LA at 4:30pm, and it’s only about a 5 hour drive, but we’re only as far as Fresno and things aren’t looking good. We drive through the city of Fresno, but don’t see anything really good. There is a bit of country again, and then we see some gas station/fast food signs again on the side of the highway, so we take the exit. We turn left and go across the overpass, proceed one block, and there is nothing but cemetery as far as the eye can see. Very disquieting. We turn around and go down a street parallel to the highway, and we see a man with a shopping cart who was pulled over by the Highway Patrol. More disquieting. Also, we have no idea what town or city we are in. We stop at a gas station and get directions to some restaurants. The guy says, “go back across the overpass and then a couple of blocks, there’s a bunch of restaurants right there.” We proceed for several miles down the road, and I start keeping a lookout for ninjas, vampires, or marauding ghosts. We finally get to some kind of civilization and find some restaurants. As we get out of the car to walk across the street, we’re joking that we still have no idea what town we’re in, and I mention that something weird is going on. Just then, one of those semi trucks that they use to deliver cars rumbles down the street. It is filled entirely with Mexican lowrider cars, with low-pro wheels with gold rims, flames on the side, and everything. Like 6 lowriders on a semi. That’s when I seriously got scared. C’mon, you don’t have to have seen ANY FUCKING EPISODE of the Twilight Zone to figure out what happens next. It usually involves psychotic children, time warps, pitch blackness, airplanes, and/or gremlins. So we’re walking down the creepiest street in America, and practically everyone we see sitting in the cafes and restaurants is Mexican. We see a Mexican restaurant, and decide that sounds good so we head in. All of the workers are pretty hot white chicks. Let me ask you a fucking question, whazzmaster: would you have run for life by this point? Well, we said fuck it and bought a pitcher of beer and watched the basketball game.
We eventually got back into town at around 12:15am, and brought this bitch full circle. See, pretty much the entire reason we went to LA was that the whole week prior it rained in the Bay Area. We were fucking sick of it, so we decided to get away. It was raining as we pulled out of town on Friday, and as we crossed the mountains back into Santa Clara county… it was fucking raining.
Extra Note: At work the next day I still hadn’t heard from Madd. I dropped him a line on Instant Messenger, and this was our (unedited) conversation.
edrugtrader: i guess you didn’t learn the truth behind the ice…
the 3 black ladies sitting behind you tossed it to get my attention.
they told me after you and judd got up and they came over.
edrugtrader: fat bitches are too fat to throw ice… you should
zachmoneypenny: i think you don’t know the order of
zachmoneypenny: judd was at the table when you were
zachmoneypenny: they trapped him in there
edrugtrader: yes, then they left, sat behind you and came back
zachmoneypenny: I left for good
zachmoneypenny: then they came and trapped judd in
zachmoneypenny: I never sat in the booth with them
edrugtrader: still the same… after you left, they sat…
zachmoneypenny: but judd was there
edrugtrader: i just though judd was gone too
zachmoneypenny: and he didn’t hear them say that shit
edrugtrader: the fat one on my left told me
zachmoneypenny: happy ending
edrugtrader: well, if talking with a fat bitch all night is… but i got
zachmoneypenny: I got pulled into the VIP room
edrugtrader: where was that?
zachmoneypenny: I should say area
zachmoneypenny: not really a separate room
zachmoneypenny: it was behind the curtain by the dance
edrugtrader: i don’t even remember a dance floor so your
insights are lost on me
edrugtrader: i don’t even remember leaving… but i remember
being in line at miagis (sp?) with the ladies and them telling me to
follow them to the front… and then walking in and then being
upstairs on some balcony scared i would fall off
edrugtrader: then drinking, talking to their friend and rapping,
and then seeing judd outside in the street as i left
zachmoneypenny: I heard about that shit
edrugtrader: rachel said i called as i drove home…
zachmoneypenny: what’d you say?
edrugtrader: i was driving the wrong way down a 1 way street
with my door open as i threw up out of it
edrugtrader: i actually remembered that after she reminded me…
zachmoneypenny: jesus christ dude, you need to fucking
get that shit under control
edrugtrader: then after i righted myself… i remember throwing
up out of the window about 10 seperate times… the next morning
it was all over my car door
edrugtrader: i wiped it all off with a sock and febreeze
edrugtrader: needless to say i was still driving at the time… it
was not good.
zachmoneypenny: I repeat: under control
edrugtrader: home safe, no ticket, car is ok… pretty under
zachmoneypenny: ok dude
zachmoneypenny: we pretty much figured you for dead
edrugtrader: naw… best drunk ever.
zachmoneypenny: it was fucking sweet
edrugtrader: well at some point i told those bitches your incident
and they cleared it up… i was 99% sure it happened at the
booth… but i also didn’t remember driving home until reminded
edrugtrader: probably my 10th most drunk night ever
zachmoneypenny: I’d hate to see the first
edrugtrader: the first was one of the times were i was pooping
and vommiting at the same time… both happened in LaX
edrugtrader: absinthe night is in the top 5