Well, after years of waiting, me and the co-workers went and saw The Matrix Reloaded, quite possibly
the most hyped geek sequel since Star Wars Ep. 1. Of course, since we saw it opening day we had to
contend with a goddamned army of nerds at the movie theater. Let me review, for those who haven’t
seen my movie reviews before, what I hate about going to the movies (in order):
Fandango commercials, jesus christ the Fandango commercials: Just when the goddamned
population was getting as sick as I was of the stupid commercial where the fat guy ends up
saying “You will let me into the picture,” those motherfuckers went ahead and made a new one.
Great, now it’s back to having some fat housewife who gets to the movies once a year laughing
uproariously because they painted a face on a brown paper lunch bag and had it say “We
like to go clubbin'”.
Impatient Nerds: We were sitting in a theatre that was about the size of Jupiter. It
could easily seat 1000 people. The lights went down halfway during the previews so that those
still entering the theater could pick their way to the few remaining seats without tripping over
some greasy lunatic in a trench coat who brought a DAT recording setup so he could transcribe The Architect
scene for the legions on the internet. So what do the nerds do? Start screaming “Lights! Turn off
the lights! Lights!” Yeah, perish the thought that you’d miss the goddamn shitting preview for
Terminator 3 you fucking retards.
Clapping at the goddamn beginning and end of the movie: I’ll only say this once more. You
are not at a premier where the director will stand to soak in your accolades. This isn’t a play,
no ones feelings will be hurt if you just say to your friend sitting next to you “Hey that was pretty
good” and then stand up and leave. Do not clap when the movie starts. It only makes people like me
want to run you over in the parking lot when the movie is finished.
So, now let’s talk about the actual movie. First of all, it’s 2 and a half damned hours. I could have driven from
Racine to my great-grandma’s house in Elizabeth, IL in the time it took to watch this movie. Plus, you know there’s
a third one, so around hour 2 you start saying to yourself “They’re gonna end it here…. no.” “OK, here’s where
the cliff-hanger is… maybe not.” Soon after you’ve reached this stage you will start to feel your soul leaving. I
don’t think mankind was meant to sit in a movie theater for more than 2 hours. It’s unnatural.
Anyways, about 15 minutes into the movie the directors just decided to say fuck it, let’s throw huge party. It was
so funny to see all the nerds get real uncomfortable at the sight of sweaty, throbbing bodies churning to techno
music. There were even a few nipples. And of course, the final net verdict was “Good movie, great effects, but
that damn orgy scene has to go!” That, my computer-science degree-having bretheren, was not an orgy. I have a
video of an orgy at home. Orgies involve lots of cocks usually and at least one shot of a girl taking it in both
ends. What we saw there was a kick-ass party full of half-naked sweaty people. Maybe it turned into an orgy back
at the house afterwards, though. Personally, I think it served its purpose, which was to show how a couple of schmoes
living underground managed to turn a population of 25 into 250,000 in 100 years. It’s really that easy when your
religion is to get tanked, spend an evening getting your goddamned freak on on the dance floor, and then go back home
and (presumably) have unprotected sex 13 times.
So at the end of the previous Matrix, Neo was a fucking God who could make bad guys blow up (but maybe only in hallways)
and fly. Presumably some time has passed between the first and second films. And at the beginning of this second film
Neo has some fucking awesome powers like… um, well… flying I guess. He actually lost powers from the first movie,
though I believe they explain it by saying the bad guys are “encrypted” or something. Whatever let’s you sleep at night
screenwriters, I guess. Personally, I would have let him do all the shit he did in the first movie plus more, like… oh
I don’t know, cooking hamburgers in the freezer or magically halting production work on Baby Geniuses 2. Anything but just
flying. Shoot fire from your toenails, or be able to fold yourself up and slide under a door. ANY-GODDAMN-THING. Oh yeah,
and kung-fu. Lots of fucking kung-fu. The dude knows his shit, but about the 3rd fight scene was when the “block-block-block”
fighting style got a little old. And there’s no blood or anything, so you didn’t see Neo use his vast powers of flying to
turn a bad guy inside out or even just give him gonorrhea by manipulating the matrix. He knocks guys over at a fairly
rapid clip, though, which is encouraging if you’re depending on him to save the human race.
*good guys fighting bad guys*
Morpheus: “Neo, need help?”
Neo: “Nope, I just knocked this dude down. He hit his head, so he’ll be out for a few.”
Morpheus: “Good, for a minute there I thought we were fighting machines desgined to kill us you fucking idiot.”
*machine wakes up and blows up world*
I can’t say I’d really want Neo on my side. I think I’d rather be with the machines who can’t be killed, only magically
whoopsy-doozled around for awhile before taking over someone elses body.
So the movie really doesn’t explain much. And basically at the end we find out that Neo is either Jesus, Ryu, a program himself,
Tron, or maybe an iterative anomaly. Personally, I think he is the future reincarnation of Joel Hodgson, but that’s just me. At
the end, he is in a coma with his arch-enemy in a coma 2 feet away. Sounds pretty good, but exciting coma-watching action doesn’t
leave your heart pounding nearly as much as you’d think.
Now let’s backtrack a bit and talk about the special FX (you don’t know what the shit you’re talking about unless you spell it F-X,
beleee-dat son). They were pretty good. We’ve got your standard car explosions, but also a guy who flys really good, a building
gets blown up, and we see what Zion really looks like, which is Fat Albert’s Junkyard if it was hit with a scud missle full of dirt
and Buddhists. Seriously, those fucking Buddhists are overrunning the damn place like locusts, and they all wanted to give Neo
a CGI plate of mud donuts. I can see why he spent a lot of time on the ship. For a date, the councilman takes him downstairs to
show him the machine that turns pee into drinking water and farts into fresh spring air. But through it all, the FX are soooooooo
sweet! I didn’t even know I was looking at a fake Giant-Pee-Recycler. I totally thought they really built one! As I said before,
the fight scenes get a bit repetitious. In the climax of the last movie, they did this big scene where there was running, flipping,
machine-gunning, and then they set off a bomb. Guess what happens in the climax in this movie: yep, its Neo flying around again. I’m
getting that cheeky monkey a fucking cape for christmas.
So, if you like to see the following things: sweaty 20-somethings dancing, almost Trinity’s left boob, Neo flying (oh lord,
Neo flying), lots of kung-fu, a little bit of gunplay, a semi truck hitting another semi truck head-on at 65+ mph in super slo-mo,
the Swiss Alps, lots of guys getting knocked down, Neo fighting 250 Agent Smiths, and more Neo flying, then see this movie RIGHT NOW.
Also, if the person in front of you in the theater laughs at the Fandango commercial, please kick their chair.