It’s time to tell you all about things I don’t like again. Lately, the whazzmaster.com ratio has been heavily favoring the Drunken Madd Scientist aspect of life, whereas I originally wanted this space mainly so I could tell wirkus and ewaz what I hated about life in California. Believe me, I’m more pleased than anyone about how it turned out, but every once in a while a person with something resembling a brain will stumble upon an aspect of our media culture that makes them so horrified with or pissed off at humanity that something must be put down on paper about it. For example, the following things are abominations before civilization:
1. Anything involving Jaime Kennedy (especially Mailbu’s Most Wanted)
2. USA Today
3. Anything on TV or in a movie that involves babies, toddlers, or puppies. Sometimes kittens as well.
4. Almost every single advertisement on earth.
I’d like to expand on that last one for a moment.
See, at some point advertising agencies decided that going after the coveted intelligent, reasonable people market was doomed to failure. So they simply lowered all prices 1 cent (it’s not $10, it’s $9.99!), made everything BETTER, BIGGER, and, MORE FLAVORFUL, eliminated small as a beverage size in fast food restaurants and just had Medium, Large, and Extra-Large, and when in doubt used ~INSANE comparisons to get dolts to spend their hard earned money on whatever they were hawking. The dolt market is extremely lucrative.
A while ago Madd Scientist made a comment about an ad for NBC’s nightly news here in the Bay Area. They were doing a story about how, if it wanted to, California could be its own country so why do we put up with the federal government’s shit when we could just secede. Look, ass-for-brains, if that’s your idea of “news” then eat my shit. If Cali tried to secede it would get it’s ass kicked by the feds simply because they wouldn’t let the largest, most tax-paying state out of the contract. So, today I’m driving to work and they have another dumb as shit NBC news ad. There’s all this techno music playing in the background (dunn tss dunn tss dunn uh dunn uh dunn uh dunn tss) while some guy says (and I’m completely serious about this): “You may have your seat belt on, and you may the car seat installed correctly, but what else is in your car that becomes deadly in an accident? Find out tonight on NBC news at 11 when Dan Dipshit investigates (DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNN~!) KILLER CARGO”
You fucking sons-of-bitches.
Take you KILLER CARGO and stick it straight in your fucking anus. Brilliant reporting, Dan Dipshit. You managed to figure out that if you have a fucking brick with knives glued to it in your backseat or on your dashboard and you get into a 4 car pile-up that you’re fucked. Did you go to journalism school with Daniel Hinkel to learn about investigative reporting nuggets like that?
Next up: Why the Milwaukee Brewers and the WWF hate their paying fans in exactly the same way.
You can read in many places about how much the Brewers suck. It’s not very hard to predict their last place finish or anything. However, for those of us who have grown up with them, we still cheer and we still go to games. Bud Fucking Selig raped the city of Milwaukee for a new stadium, threatening to take the team elsewhere unless they got a new stadium in order to “stay competitive” (which is the operative phrase here). Then, after getting the citizens to pay for this new stadium, the Brewers proceeded to create, if possible, an even worse team of ballplayers than their efforts in the mid-90s. So, the fans that the Brewers were trying to court, i.e., the families, the casual baseball fans, the new, young fans, stayed away in droves and basically made the whole endeavor a wash for the team, except now they have a brand new stadium. So, now the team is left with the exact same fans it had before getting a new stadium and fielding an even worse team than before because they need to “pay off their debt”. And how do they treat these die-hard fans, who have paid money to see one of the worst teams in the history of Major League Baseball? They treat them like shit, the same as the WWF treats their die-hard fans.
See, in the late 90’s wrestling was the popular thing on college campuses. Shit, that’s how we all started watching it again, right? But whereas most of those backwards-hat frat boys graduated and stopped paying for pay-per-views, some of us kept doing so. But while the frat boys went to shows to see Sable in a bikini, the fans wanted to see actual wrestling and maybe some entertaining content. And in response to their fad audience leaving in droves, the WWF actually tried to do everything it could to attract that fad audience back, not realizing the nature of the beast. Fads are fads. They come and go on the whim of the Disposable Money Generation, not due to any attempt by the beneficiary of said fad to “jumpstart” it. So, while WWF’s ratings and buy-rates dwindled, they went more and more in the direction of trying to get back the coveted 18-21 male demographic. They know that the die-hards will buy “anything” so why do anything to even remotely reward them for their patronage.
The Brewers, too, have that attitude. When you’re only drawing 4,000 to a home game, the reasoning goes, why on earth would you let some kid who bought a ticket on the terrace level down onto the lower level. I mean, you only have 95% of the lower level seats open, why the hell reward those guys who go to the park at 9am for a noon game? Instead, let’s send bitter old men to go demand to see the ticket of everyone under the age of 35 sitting in the lower seats. If they�re cheering or seem to be interested in the game, check their ticket, because god knows the only people who can afford the box seats are businessmen who don’t give a shit about the Brewers or even baseball. And woe to an enthusiastic fan who’s drunk and cheering his head off for the Crew. Quick old usher, call the cops and have him thrown out. We wouldn’t want all of the non-attending families to see a drunk guy at a baseball game, would we.
So, while the die-hard fan does seem to be a glutton for punishment, it is hard to give up something that you like. I like wrestling, and I like the Brewers. I don’t see myself “giving it up” because the owners/managers are assholes. That’s just the nature of the beast. But one can hope that these corporations come to see where their core audience lies and why they should be rewarded in some way for sticking with things through good and bad times. Especially the bad times.