I’m Gonna Roast A Coyote In Celebration

My daawwwggg can shake hands like man, he’s a dawg but he can shake hands like a man, I taught him that :: Mike Wirkus (Listen to it!)

Happy Memorial Day whazzmaster.com. It’s nice to see that people have better things to do than comment on a dumb old website on such a fine weekend as this. We’ve had like 5 comments from Friday through Monday. I think it may have something to do with the whole battle rap thing, but we did get a lot of mileage out of it. I figured I’d sit down and whazz some holiday fucking cheer.

Me and Kendric went down to Agenda last night for some Reggae Night action. Holy shit was it nuts. San Jose State had graduation this weekend, and that whole corner of Second Street where Agenda, Spy, Cabana, and that other one are were just a fucking zoo. We waited in line for an hour to get in. An hour. In San Jose. For Agenda. When we got to the front of the line and they charged me a $20 cover I almost choked. That place fucking paid its rent last night, that’s for sure. And actually, it did end up being a pretty fun night. They had all three levels plus the courtyard open for dancing with a DJ in each one spinning different shit (the courtyard had a live reggae-ish band). The basement had hip-hop, so I was down there trying to get another red bull & vodka when Bill Bellamy appeared next to me. In what was the most unexpected event of the year, I ended up saying “what’s up” to Bill Bellamy on non-consecutive days in the same week. That’s strange.

I just realized that I never really posted about the first time we saw Bill. We all went to the Improv on Thursday to see Bellamy and he was pretty damn funny. Afterwards we were all standing out front trying to figure out where to go when he walked out into the lobby of the Improv and was talking to some of the waiters. I told Ro that if he turned around I was gonna wave at him. I turned back to the other conversation about what to do when all of a sudden Bill walked out the doors to where we were standing. I was pretty tanked, so I ran up to him and said “what’s up, dawg! Fucking funny shit!” He said, “Thanks”. Then he introduced himself very politely to everyone in our group. Scott tried to convince him to go to Agenda that night, but Bill said he was going to the B-Hive. Then we all split up.

So, there you have my Bill Bellamy story for the decade. Back to Agenda.

Kendric had met one of his lady-friends there, and she had a big group of people (men and women) with her. So after I lost Kendric somewhere, I found them. All of the girls are small asian chicks, and they were doing a bunch of shots while the guys looked on amused. Then 3 of the girls started dancing with each other and a pole. Me and the 2 guys just sat there laughing at all of this. Then Kendric showed up and we all went over to dance. The dancing was interrupted, however, when one of the small asian girls decided that she had had 200 too many shots, or whatever. She fucking puked her brains out, right in the bar. I guess the girls knew the bartender or something, so they didn’t get kicked out immediately. Long shory stort, I cut my hand on the railing on the way out the door at bar time, and it still hurts like hell. But at least there’s a Star Trek marathon on SciFi channel today.

I was cleaning the house all yesterday– ok, in the middle of writing this sentence I took an inexplicable break. I surfed over to 411wrestling and from there linked to HotOrNot.com. You should see the scores the retarded populace of these United States are handing out to those bags of ugly. I mean, beauty is in the eye of the yada yada yada but c’mon people! There’s no way someone could rate a 1 a 9. There’s also no way that an ugly old lady should get a 9.5 average just because she’s wearing a French Maid outfit. I mean, what happens to an internet nerd when he comes across a picture of an actual hot chick on that site. He’s already blown the proverbial wad on that clubfoot monster 12 pictures back. See, whazzmaster? That’s what you get when you make something on the internet: a gigantic clusterfuck of ugly ladies. It’s just how the fucking world spins, I guess.

And here’s to our veterans. If I was in war, I would probably be killed trying to find the ol’ Quad Damage powerup in a Nazi village or something, so it’s a good thing we have real heroes ready to go fight for the country.

-whazz on

45 thoughts on “I’m Gonna Roast A Coyote In Celebration

  1. How does it explain such things? Did you attend school in the middle of the woods? Or in a field? No. In fact you attended McKinley Middle School, where you had a shrine to Gone With The Wind in your locker. I know. I saw it.

  2. Also, I heart erin more than anyone, even though I put my fist through her windshield on Thursday evening.

  3. Lets see, I broke your thumb, punched Paul and made him cry, Mike stabbed someone with a pencil, what the hell were they teaching us in cub scouts?

  4. Yes. Did you know I have a bobblehead of him in his real uniform? Not some junko DBacks one?

  5. sorry wirkus- all i do is work. ie today i get out of here at five… then flippers 6-11… then sleep… then back here

  6. BREWERS SHORTSTOP JOSE HERNANDEZ, WITH 188 WHIFFS, SAT OUT THE FINAL GAMES TO AVOID SETTING A STRIKEOUT RECORD.

  7. The funny thing is, people keep coming up to K-Car to ask him how big his johnson is. Restaurants, shopping, rodeos… everyone wants to know.

  8. Thanks Jen, actually, I believe that I am lesser of a criminal that most of you on Whazzmaster. We can discuss this later

  9. eh yo wirkus, while the rumors on the streets are that you can throw one hell of a party, I would like to put in a special request. Now over here on the westside, i only hear about wisconsin cows & dairy thizzles…so my request is to go cow tipping. That will be the hi-lite of the bachelor party for me, so i ask you to see what you can work out for cow tipping. Thanks for taking this under consideration.

  10. So I’m watching the Star Trek marathon because there’s absolutely nothing to do here, when I realize that Luke P. w/goatee looks exactly like Evil Spock. Just saying.

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