The Bachelor Party Saga (Level 3): The Aftermath

So the plan was to wake up at a decent time on Sunday, have some lunch, get Judd and Scott acquainted with Madison a bit, and then get to the airport by 5pm to catch our flight. And as it always turns out when airline flights and the dreams of elementary honor roll students are involved, everything got all fucked up. The waking up worked out ok, the lunch at Nick’s was great as always, but then shit started to go downhill. We went to Puzzlebox to get our pictures taken for posterity and they were out of film for the giant machine. No pictures. Then we walked down State Street to the Union, where we proceeded to lose Judd for awhile. While waiting for him to a.) find a door out of the Union, and b.) walk around the Union in a clockwise OR counter-clockwise fashion until he found us on the Terrace, bellgirl managed to take off some of her clothes and jump in Lake Mendota to fish out a stick. Admittedly a big stick, but a stick nonetheless. Oh the adventues she’d go on to have with that stick.

So we find Judd and walk up Bascom Hill as God decides to punk us out. He turns on the rain, then turns it off, then on, then off while we ascend towards Lincoln’s ugly mug. Halfway up bellgirl and me play stickball with Timmer’s giant Superball and The Stick That Was Found In The Lake. In a moment of sheer lunacy, when up was down and right was backwards, bellgirl caught the ball square with the stick (even though I was pitching with a SUPERBALL from 50 YARDS AWAY) and jacked it into some construction equipment. So we played on construction equipment for awhile as we looked for the ball. We decided we’d all be better off with a beer sitting in a bar watching the Brewer game, so we headed back down Bascom in the direction of the Nitty Gritty. Along the way, bellgirl took her first step to becoming the Vagg Scientist. She got a condom from the Madd Scientist (who’s never without one, even when walking around campus with 7 dudes and 1 chick who is one of the dude’s girlfriends) and slid it on the end of The Stick That Was Found In The Lake, and started trying to shove it up people’s asses while walking to the bar. Wirkus reached around to grab the stick and came away with a handful of Nonoxonol-9 or whatever that shit is. Bellgirl told him she found it on the ground and Wirkus freaked out. He held his hand a foot away from him until we got to the bar. Also, bellgirl could often be seen pretending to lick the condom end of The Stick That Was Found In The Lake. Funny shit.

We didn’t go to the Nitty because some homos had rented it out for a graduation party. Assholes, renting out bars. Fuck em.

So we headed up to State Street and went to State Bar and Grill for 3 pitchers of beer, a round of janky whazz, and a waitress who didn’t like us. We said all of our goodbyes and me, Madd, Judd, and Scott made our way to the airport… where we found out that our United flight was canceled. We waited for a long time and the lady ended up saying she would put us on a 6am flight on Northwest on Monday morning. Knowing what I know about the kind of flotsam that works the Northwest 6am flight, I took a step back from the counter, looked up at the ceiling, and said, “Motherfucking Northwest. Jesus Christ.” The lady got really mad and said, “Sir, I don’t want you swearing in front of me. If you continue, you’re not getting a ticket and you can stay right here.” Shit, lady, it would be my motherfucking pleasure to get stranded in Madison with my friends for the rest of my natural life; I just don’t want to wake up at 4:45am because of your bitch-ass, janky-as-hell airline.

So we call up Wirkus to come get us, and as we’re driving back into Madison we decide to say Fuck It and just party another night. If we gotta be up at 4am, so be it. It was on the way home that Scott coined the name for Sunday Night Drinking: it’s the goddamned Bachelor Party Bonus Track. And the Bonus Track will be featured tomorrow.

For now check out some of the pics from the Aftermath:



Here’s everyone having a good goddamn time at lunch. I totally forgot to call Casperson because I’d figured that Wirkus was going to do it or that Casperson just somehow had hidden knowledge that we were going there for lunch. He called as were walking in the door, and I told him to get his ass in there. Also, soup was chicken noodle=very good.



Area Man Bested By Chicken Gyro.



Madd Scientist, doing what he does best.



Judd is finally located at the Memorial Union. It was touch and go for awhile there.



This is the infamous Stick That Was Found In The Lake, modeled by bellgirl, of course. Now imagine a ribbed condom on the end, and then imagine the whole thing being poked in your ass from behind as you unsuspectingly walk to a bar. That’s why she’s the Vagg Scientist.



From left: Madd Scientist, Lake Mendota, and a Wirkus that appears to be coming apart at the seams.



Timmer, sad due to his lost superball, smokes next to unknown machinery. Who knew that girls could actually hit?



There was lots of inexplicably dangerous machinery sitting arond on Bascom Hill. I don’t know why.



There was a sign on Bascom that said the first dance school was there or some kind of retarded shit. So everyone started dancing. I took a picture. You like Madd’s Running Man? How about Bellgirl’s kickline? I was taking the camera and even I did a jig. Right after this we went and started drinking.


Now you all share your stories.

–whazz on

16 thoughts on “The Bachelor Party Saga (Level 3): The Aftermath

  1. Last night, there was a babay at the Mary Kay party. He thought Madd Scientist was his dad.

  2. whazzers, never type that valid tag stuff down there. I did it and my post went wild (see above) DO NOT DO IT. Your fate will be that of poor Mickey when he used magic to make all those brooms do his job. Leave the magic to those who know how to use it.

  3. when pooping in a public toilet with a 12 inch penis, try to keep the governor out of the toilet water.

  4. ‘I couldn’t fit all of the pictures cause I ran out of disk space online. I picked the best of the remaining, however, and added them here. ‘

    ‘I want to remind you all that I put up ALL the pictures so you can peruse them. Click here to get to the photo galleries’

    Interesting…fuckin liar.

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