I hadn’t done a Racine Crime Report in quite a while, so I clicked on over to the Journal-Sentinel Online to see if anything new or funny had been posted. Long story short, no good Racine Crime Reports lately. Short story long again, there was something a little bit funnier.
I give to you the Racine County Radio Schedule, wherein you’ll learn such things as:
** The Morning Show runs from 8:10am to 9am and is emitted from Gateway Technical College on the shores of Lake Michigan. Why 8:10? Got me. I can only assume that the Belle Urban System cannot get the DJ to Gateway prior to 8:10am. Or maybe that’s when they open the doors. Or maybe, just maybe, it has something to do with the curvature of spacetime near Racine.
** On Monday, the guests will be Ron and Sue Fry, who are on the staff of the Bristol Renaissance Faire, which opens Saturday. Well, I don’t know what to say except I really liked Black Knight with Martin Lawrence. I wonder what sort of knights, wenches, and pottery they’ll be talking about.
** Tuesday is a special day, for the show will feature an interview with several members of the delegation from Racine who recently traveled to Washington for the All-American Cities competition. Racine was one of 10 U.S. cities given an All-America City award. Racine. Racine, Wisconsin. Racine, Wisconsin is one of the 10 best cities in the country? On what scale? Wait, what exactly does All-America City equal here? They have a really crappy zoo, and any All-America city should have a good zoo, a good nightlife, and 20 whores per square mile. I don’t think Racine satisfies any of those criteria.
** Paul E. Dinter, author of “The Other Side of the Altar: One Man’s Life in the Catholic Priesthood,” will discuss his 30 years as a priest... I was going to write ‘molestering little kids’, but then I realized that even Jay Leno wouldn’t make that cliched a joke, and so I did not do it.
** Thurs-fucking-day: Part one of the program will feature an interview with historian Thomas Fleming, author of “The Illusion of Victory,” which asserts that the United States and its allies enacted an ill-conceived peace treaty that led to World War II. Part two will feature Celia Sandys, granddaughter of Winston Churchill and author of “We Shall Not Fail,” a book on Churchill’s life as a leader. Holy shit, why, cruel world, must I live so far away as to not hear this episode of The Morning Show? You know what they have lined up after the interview? Big Mikey’s gonna prank call a sex shop and ask about dildos in a Chinese accent, while The Freak interviews a farting starfish from the Pacific Ocean.
** Milwaukee Journal Sentinel restaurant critic Dennis Getto will be in the studio to answer listeners’ questions. questions. Questions?! FUCKING QUESTIONS?!?!?!? About what, exactly?
Caller #1: “How can I get my whites brighter without the color fading?”
Dennis: “Rock Bottom Microbrewery and Restaurant”
Caller #2: “Where can I get some really effective bear repellant?”
Dennis: “The filet was great at Fitzgerald’s, but the potato au gratin leaves much to be desired.”
Caller #3: “Who do you put at the top of the NFC Central this year?”
Dennis: “Anywhere but McDonalds.”
Hopefully, Racine Crime Report will return after the wedding, due to several arrests for cow tipping and public drunkeness.