There are times when you wish you could go back in time and right a past wrong. Such as the
time I ran full speed into a stop sign at the bus stop in grade school while playing ‘tag’ and
split my chin open. That hurt bad enough to want to go back in time and prevent. See also,
playing video games throughout my freshman year of college and flunking Math 222 as a result.
Also, it would be nice to go back in time and kick the shit out of all those who voted Nader
in the 2000 election.
These are all emotional, human responses to time travel. As the movies have taught us, however,
robots take a definitively different view of time travel: for one, using it to kill the mothers
of future resistance force leaders, and for two, to kill the leaders themselves in order to provide
for a good sequel. The lesson learned here? Robots definitely need to chill the fuck out.
So after a giant chrome tinker toy project attempts to kill John Connor at the age of -1 and then the
terrifying offspring of a mercury thermometer and Silly Putty go after him again 10-12 years later,
he finally realizes that maybe it’s not such a good idea to be available in the local phonebook
and through Sprint PCS’ 411 speed-dial. According to John, he lives “off the grid” and generally does
such things as work construction and skid horribly off the road on a motorcycle trying to evade random
About the same time that John is getting back to nature by giving himself one helluva road rash, we
see that the Machines From The Future have concocted yet another brilliant plan in which they send
a robot back in time to kill Kevin Bacon. I mean John Connor. This time it’s a lady robot who can shoot
fire out of her hand. Well, you have to give those fucking robots credit for one thing: when they come up
with an idea (such as sending unstoppable robots (who eventually get stopped) back through time to kill peo–
I mean one person), they fucking don’t let failure stop them. So the first thing this TX does is acquire
a car and some threads from an old bitch on Rodeo Drive or some such shit.
At this point in the movie they establish that we won’t be seeing things like a guy drinking a carton of milk
get a metallic knife through the carton and his mouth and his head, like the 2nd movie. Instead, the bitch
just says something ominous (or even something not-so-ominous) like “I like your gun.” Then we get a loud
noise and a quick cut to something like Arnold in a ladies strip club, or Arnold telling a convenience store
clerk to fucking “talk to the hand.” HARHAR, movie producer/director/writer! You crazy honkys been watchin
Springer again? On crack?!?! Oh yeah, that fucking shit went off the air a long goddamn time ago. These
fucking writers need to fucking use their time machines to zoom forward 2 years and see what all the hip
catchphrases are gonna be when the movie will premier.
I’ll tell you one thing: I didn’t really like the pacing of this movie at all. Fuck pacing, it’s just bat-shit
insane. The movie’s only 1 hour and 39 minutes long, and the majority of that is spent dealing with the
fact that this dumb broad Claire Danes believes she’s being kidknapped by the guy she made out with in 8th
grade (not the T-800, the other guy). Also, a lot of the setpieces (intended or not) were basically just
remakes of the 2nd movie. The scene where they escape from the cemetary by blowing the hell out of everything
and everyone is basically the same as the Cyberdyne scene in 2. In addition, I think the ending would have
maybe been better if the Terminator shoved the bomb in the TX’s mouth and THEN closed the blast doors while
rolling underneath, saving himself. It would have been cool if the reason John Connor was the leader in the
future was because he had his own personal Terminator the whole time. Or something.
Rock Chalk and I watched Terminator 2 the night before going to see 3, so that’s why I kept seeing all
of these reasons why 2 was better, or that 3 did something retarded. If I hadn’t seen 2 recently then 3
probably would have been a lot more entertaining. As it is, we can at least take heart from the Terminator
series that machines will never take over the world. Why? Because we haven’t been besieged by time-traveling
Arnold BladdyBlu yet.