The Preamble to the Whazzmaster Wedding

After work on Thursday, I whazzed myself from Madison to Racine, (Ray-Seen), passing many cows along the way. Mother fuckers were screamin’ to be tipped. I arrived Racine just as the Moneypennys (Moneypennies?) were finishing a cook out. One of his aunts had stumbled across this website while looking for the Moneypenny Family tree. Her only comment: there’s a lot of swearing on that site.

Zach was tipsy on a Judd Cocktail (1 btl cheap champagne, 6 shots vodka, 1 can Red Bull) and Erin was freshly bronzed. We were all very excited about the wedding. I made myself a plate of food, grabbed a High Life, and demanded they open Bellgirl’s and my wedding gift with the stipulation, if one of them backs out of the wedding, they have to give it back to me. They agreed and opened the gift, which was wrapped in a dirty brown box.

I know how those kids love the hip hop culture, so I got them a bottle of Cristal. I think it will look nice in their fridge next to the Tampico. A funny thing about the Cris: I bought it off the internet from Beverages and More which is located two feet from their front door in Cali.

So we played around with the Cris for a while and got caught up. I had some of the Judd Cocktail and Erin was replaced with Aaron. The big man had been out playing pool. He hadn’t eaten dinner that night and when he found out that his dad had taken the leftovers from the cook out to his baby’s mamma’s Aaron lost it.

“If it had been just burgers I could handle it. But brats. It was Brats. That old bitch don’t deserve no brats,” Aaron said.
Zach chastised him for talking like that and Aaron corrected himself.
“Ok. Young bitch,” he said and then he drove off to Wendy’s.

We took some pictures of the Cris the best one being the one where Zach has it in the mesh cup holder of a camping chair (the first and last time there ever was a bottle of Cris in the Mesh cup holder of a camping chair!) and he told the story about his entire wardrobe ending up in the Racine landfill (Zach tell this story) and Arlo showed up.

We loaded up the car and went down by the lake to the Yardarm. Springer’s been imploring us to check this place out for years. It’s a weird shanty filled with odd nautical knickknacks. We took a few pictures next to a creepy wooden sailor and ordered some booze. The only other customers were old men and Arlo’s dad. Despite a head cold, Jerry Horton, father of Arlo, had spent the day running a 5K. He was still in his running clothes with the racing number on his shirt. Beside the frog legs he had for lunch, he hadn’t eaten, so Arlo made him get a sandwich. Arlo’s dad = A+.
Long story short: the Yardarm the first thing that has ever lived up to Springer’s advanced billing. The food was good, the drinks were cheap and in the bathroom there’s one of those topless wooden ladies that go on the front of a ship.

After a bunch of drinks, Arlo’s dad told us about some guy who turned his basement into a bar, so we went to check it out. The place is called Waves, and wow: what a great bar. The owners are two brothers. One brother is the bartender and one is the cook. The bartender is Mike and he was very accommodating. When he found out that Zach was getting married he gave him a lottery ticket. At Waves, things started getting blurry.

Some random Waves memories:

1. Aaron and Zach had a huge fight because Aaron cosigned on a car with his girlfriend. Zach’s prediction? The car ends up at the bottom of Lake Michigan.
2. We drunk dialed Madd, Jen and Caspa. Madd didn’t respond to Arlo’s battle rapping. I think he may have been scurred.
3. The other bartender showed up at some point. Her name was Andrea and she was wasted. She hopped behind the bar and gave us a bunch of free drinks. Aaron Moneypenny called her Jenny by mistake and she thought he said “Gin” so she made him some crazy gin drink. Mike put a cherry and an umbrella in it.
4. At some point Arlo’s dad showed up. I played and defeated him in a game of chess.
5. At bar time Mike cooked us up some fries, one of the nicest things you can do for a drunk man. After that he said we had to go. I suggested we shut off the lights and keep drinking. He agreed. I love Racine.

After that, we took a drunken tour of Racine, and then we went back to Moneypennys, and made a great 3:00 a.m. movie. Hopefully Zach will have that available for you whazzers. Here’s a plot synopsis:

Zach turns on the camera and points it at his brother. Zach tells him to take off his shirt. Aaron complies. Zach zooms in on Aaron’s left nipple and tells him he looks like a fat Hulk.
Zach turns the camera on Arlo and I. I say I want to film something. Zach gives me the camera. I point it at Zach and his brother, and I tell them to fight.
They fight. Zach is losing. Aaron Judo slams Zach into a piano. Forty or fifty dollars in change flies out of Aaron’s pockets. Zach wiggles out from under Aaron, and bites him in the nipple. Aaron screams. Zach is the winner. Zach tells his brother that his nipple tastes like Culvers. The End.

Then we passed out.

11 thoughts on “The Preamble to the Whazzmaster Wedding

  1. frenchys story happened friday night/saturday morning. little do the readers know that our stories will collide in a debauchery that can only be described as thus: zachs wedding.

  2. frenchy you’re one perverted faggot! why don’t u shove your microscopic dick up that miniture dilldo swallowing asshole?Huh how about that bicth?

  3. u are all fucked up dick faces all u do is talk about how u r homofobes that fucks hermafrodites and drama Qweens.and if u talk about me i’ll get all those hermafrodites to rape u in your sleep.

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