1. Bellgirl’s Great Uncle Denny, a former bullpen coach for the Milwaukee Brewers, bought Wirkuswhazz a 12 pack of High Life.
TRUE. We talked baseball and beer. Next thing I know, dude buys us a twelver of High Life. I drank it last night while cooking and watching the Brewers game.
2. Bellgirl’s father dressed up as Elvis and sang Karaoke at a neighbor’s pig roast.
TRUE. Every Fourth of July Crandon has a boat parade. All the boat owners decorate their boats and shoot fire works at each other. This year Bellgirl’s family had an Elvis-themed boat and her father dressed up as Elvis. Last weekend her neighbor’s had a pig roast, and Bellgirl’s family was invited with the stipulation her father had to come dressed as Elvis. He complied; we dined on swine.
3. Bellgirl and Wirkuswhazz had a fight in a bar called The Wild Rose because Wirkuswhazz paid 5$ for a chance to win a shotgun.
TRUE. While drinkin’ it up at the Wild Rose, I discovered a raffle: 5$ for a chance to win a shotgun. Winner need not be present to win. Drawing takes place on August 9th at 3:00 p.m. Hot damn, I gave dude a fiver and bought myself a chance at the gun. Then Bellgirl lost her mind and said I better sell it if I win. I refused. We argued.
4. In a late night drunken game of Pit, Bellgirl’s father enraged Bellgirl’s aunt with his incessant bell ringing.
TRUE. Obviously true. When doesn’t this happen in a game of Pit?
5. Bellgirl’s sisters and aunt wouldn’t shut up about the size of Bellgirl’s boobs.
TRUE (see haiku gallery)
6. Crandon, WI celebrated Kentuck Days: A celebration of all things Kentucky.
Oddly, TRUE. Bellgirl and I looked at junk, (mainly wooden moose and bear) ate corn on the cob, then went over to a bar called Sparky’s and had a beer. There was nothing Kentuck about it.
7. Bellgirl and her sister Liz started a scene when a roving band of teenagers on four wheelers discovered them sun bathing topless.
FALSE. I made this shit up. I added the topless for Madd, and the four wheelers for authenticity.
There you have it. The whazzers who guessed correctly were Madd, Caspa, Jen and Timmah. I put their names in a hat and had Fancyface pick a winner. “Fuck you, I’m studying for my MCAT,” she said, fishing out a name. And the winner of the bendable sausages is: Timmah. Congratulations!