Jack Black is God. Yes, the one with a big G. He rocks hardcore. Tenacious D is The Greatest Band on Earth, and I will pay whatever I must to see Jack Black in a movie. Here’s the thing, though: I don’t much like kids. In fact, I typically hate the little bastards. Example: wainting in line to get into the movie, there is a punk-ass child of age 12-13 who is blabbing on a goddamned cell phone. I use my phone for three things: talking to friends and family half the country away, coordinating late-night and bar-time activities, and calling my wife to ask her what she wants for dinner. This kid has none of these needs. What is this asshole kid doing annoying me with his gay-ass ring tone? So, while I was excited to see a Jack Black movie, I wasn’t that excited about seeing a movie with a bunch of kids (in a theater with a bunch of kids).
See, kids tend to be in movies in two ways: sassy talking, head shaking, too-witty-comeback wise-asses and sad-eyed,
willowy-looking, never-talking Haley Joel Osments. Neither provides good entertainment, unless your idea of good
entertainment is a 10-year-old white girl shaking her head side-to-side saying, “I don’t think so, girlfriend!”. Bah.
Art can go no further.
So, after all that, I’m pleased to report that not only did the movie not insult me with frying pans falling on
the fat kid’s head punctuated by a loud, sound effect “BOINK!”, but the kids were actually funny. Not as funny as
Jack Black, but funny nonetheless. So let’s get to the actual movie.
Jack Black is a failed guitarist in a soft metal band. His bass guitar-player turned substitute teacher roommate Ned’s
girlfriend demands that Jack pay the rent, so when a private school calls to request Ned’s services long-term, Jack
pretends that he is Ned to make some cash. I’m not gonna lie to you here, the movie is only so-so until Jack gets into
the classroom and starts interacting with the students. Then he starts making the students into his very own rock band,
with himself at guitar and lead vocals. Yes. For all you fucking idiot writers out there, this is how you write a movie
starring one of the greatest rock gods of the 21st century. You let him just bounce off of all the people and then rock
out with his cock out. So he tells the kids that they’re practicing for a “school project” that is really the cliched
Battle of the Bands contest.
Yadda, yadda, yadda, they triumph over adversity and rock out in the end. Now let’s briefly talk about what pissed me off,
and it didn’t so much piss me off as just be in the corner of my mind for the whole second half of the movie. The way the
class is taught, you just know that at some point the principal (Joan Cusak) is going to find out, and the shit’ll hit the fan.
So you’re waiting for it and waiting for it, and after awhile I couldn’t focus on anything else. But the Battle of the Bands
rocks your fucking socks off, and that’s all that matters.
See this movie, that’s all I can say. It is good, and for an industry that puts out a good comedy once every two or so years,
you can’t be picky with the movies that are actualy not retarded. So listen to some fucking Led Zeppelin and then get your ass
to see this movie. Afterwards go download Heatvision & Jack with eMule and buy the Tenacious D cd if you don’t already have it.
Seeya ater Shortstop, Fancy Pants, and Turkey Sub.