Halloween Fun

I was going to wait until I had the pictures to post about Halloween, but as I said yesterday, I can’t begin to compare to Scientist’s Old School routine so I won’t try.

Rock Chalk and I went down to Carmel (Monterrey Bay area) for a Halloween party at the house her firm is renting while the auditors are down there working at the Monterrey Catholic Funhouse. Total attendance: 9 people including us. Total attendance who were drinking: 8 people. Actually the total fluctuated between 5 and 11, but the average people present were around 9.

Luckily, I mixed up some CDs full of music and I went as Eminem. This way I could sing along with rap music all night. Get your independant ass out of here, question? How many accountants like rap and hip-hop music? Answer: a surprising percentage of the crowd. But then again, the crowd was mainly 25-30 year-old people who like to drink.

I was obliterinko by the end of the evening. I had swallowed quite a lot of vodka, and then at just the wrong moment at around 1-2am I blurted out “TEQUILA SHOTS!” Unfortunately everyone took me up on that offer. I had half of my shot, meekly watched Rock Chalk finish it off, then slipped into sweet, sweet oblivion. I was told that after I had the half shot I mixed an enormous glass of vodka gimlet, took one sip, and passed the fuck out.

The next morning my wife kicked me out of bed and made me go get breakfast food for everyone. I shuffled around Safeway for awhile in a daze, and when I got to be 1 person from the register in line, I realized I had forgotten the butter (for my dick, of course). I told the guy behind me to watch my shit and took off running to the butter aisle. When I got back the first thing that my cart guardian said to me was, “Can you believe this stuff?” He was referring, of course, to the Weekly World News at the checkout that proclaimed OSAMA AND SADDAMN ADOPT SHAVED APE BABY. I told him that even the people who think Bigfoot and Loch Ness Monster are having sex in the Vatican look at that headline and say, “That’s ridiculous.” He responded, “Well, according to the bottom of the cover, at least they’re married now.” I can’t make that up, folks.

I fell asleep at the table at breakfast. I didn’t even finish my plate of has browns that I made.

It was on the way back up to San Mateezy that I found out about Scientist, et. al.’s night in San Jose. Next year I’m going out with them.

–whazz on

87 thoughts on “Halloween Fun

  1. I am not a pro-“lifer”. I am a pro-“quit annoying me with your stupid shit”.

    8 legged femme would be a good name for my rock band… if I had one.

  2. About babies… If my dog is biting the neighbors or crapping all over the basement floor, I can just take it to the vet and have them gas it. Why wont pediatricians do the same?

  3. Not cool: you’re whazzing and someone comes over and talks to you. The motto on the screen is whazzmaster.com: a great fucking price for pussy.

  4. uh… i need some back story on that.

    who’s to say you weren’t in a whore house and they were simply upset that you were comparing prices on the net?

  5. Zacharoni: I want your killer recipe for a vodka gimlet.

    Thanks.

    Isn’t it something like: throw a bunch of ice, vodka and lime juice in a glass (the bigger the better)

  6. i took his method and ran with it… i believe he concurs with my addition.

    take a pint glass you stole from a bar (this is absolutely necessary)
    fill with ice.
    fill with skyy/kettle one/belvedere/grey goose up until about 1 1/2″ from the top.
    3/4″ of roses sweetened lime juice
    3/4″ filtered or bottled water
    stir.

    repeat until you are fully thizzed.

  7. Actually, Scienteezy came up with the best gimlet ever recipe. Fill a rocks glass with ice, put the glass under a faucet and just get the ice wet, not a whole lot of water. Then as much vodka as it can hold, then top it off with a splash (A SPLASH!) of Rose’s.

  8. 1) I found this one:
    Vodka Gimlet

    1 1/2 oz Vodka
    1 oz Lime Juice
    1 tsp Powdered Sugar
    Ice
    Shake with ice and strain into a glass.

    Sugar or water? Hmmmm. This is a nail biter.

    2) Wirkus’s haiku about Christmas at the Paradise just spun on the haiku spinner. Wow. That brought back memories of the most depressing Christmas ever. At the Paradise. With a mason jar of Blind Russian. I remember standing at the front desk in my polyester blue HoJo suit stoned watching a family walk away with their HoJo Boxed Christmas Dinner while Wirkus was on a shuttle thinking: There is no way that I am going to survive this night. It was, however, the Best HoJo Christmas Ever.

  9. Or: which whazzers remember that Wirkus received a waffle maker for a present that year and took it everywhere he went?

  10. jen jen jen.

    why did you look elsewhere?

    go ahead… with your fancy eastie gimlet recipes… DO YOU REALIZE THE LIQUOR TO SHIT RATIO IS 1:1?!?!

    god damn it. go drink you’re horse shit out of a gucci shoe. i care not.

    i’m out.

  11. Hold your horses, mister. I am going to try your recipe tonight.

    What if you forewent the Rose’s Lime for Citrus/Lime vods on the rocks? Same? Different? I’ll have to give it a whirl.

  12. THE RECIPE WAS NOT A SUGGESTION. IT WAS A RULE.

    if you want a shitty gimlet, do whatever the hell you please… i have offered you greatness and you have shunned it.

  13. Summer Fun Gimlet

    Empty 750ml of vodka (your choice) into a large pitcher. Take sweetened lime (e.g. Roses) and pour into pitcher while you say out loud, “gurgle, gurgle, gurgle”. That’s enough. Now fill it with ice. Swirl the ice around a few times.

    Take refrigerated pint glass and fill 1/3 with ice, then fill to the top from pitcher.

    Drink. Repeat as necessary.

  14. Good news for all in Cali:

    1. I funsta graduate. Confirmed at the commencement countdown halabalooza.
    2. I sent a resume to Fisher Investments and applied for 3 different positions. I received an email back saying they would like to schedule a phone interview. Not sure for which position, I think it may be doggy style. Only problem when I went online to set up the interview it said that I had already done it. Not sure about that one. So now I have to wait to hear back from them.
    3. Got baked for one of the lasts times last nite. Must try to A) get back to doing some cardio and B) be able to pass a drug test without the help of other substances. I hate jobs.

  15. So Im reading BBC news and I notice a link in the tech section where you can order a robot to build at home. Is this how the destruction of mankind will begin? Brits taking little robots home for 26. Well thats better than the world being destroyed by apes. Not flying monkeys though. That would be cool

  16. Hold up.

    Those gimlet recipes are shit. Moneypenny, your gimlets are the “child’s pie” of gimlets (child’s pie = coffee any other way but black).

    Jen, you’re a girl who can drink scotch on the rocks. Madd and Moneypenny are pussies who can not. Use this one:

    wirkuswhazz gimlet

    1 cup vodka (really use a plastic measuring cup)
    1 lime
    ice
    a glass of your choice (I find it’s better to make lots of little gimlets than one big one)

    There are only three things in the above recipe. I think I can skip the directions. Long story short: fuck Roses, fuck sugar. Gimlet = vodka, lime, ice.

    The end.

  17. for god’s sake, just get a cup of your own fucking desire, enough ice to cool the vodka if its not coming from the freezer, fill vodka to just under the rim, and add a fucking slice of lemon. repeat this fucking cycle til you can’t no more. Or if this is too much for an inept drinker to drink, have a coke & a smile & shut the fuck up.

  18. I like the 4nyayaya gimlet.

    Back when I lived with timmer we used to make a drink called the ghetto gimlet: vodka, ice and that shitty lemon juice in a big green bottle.

  19. wirkus, i like your style…i’m drankin it right now, no fresh lemons for me 🙁

    just call me the what’s happenin captain

  20. madd, you gettin old but you still my buddy
    you used to be my drankin & pimpin cuddie
    you fallin off like the oakland raider
    you know i’ll fuck your bitch, but won’t date ‘er
    i be gettin more bitches than batches of nachos
    used bang them 3 & 4s, but now i get top notch hoes
    i fuck nelly fertado, i roll a two thousand fo modo
    you get new car smell by scents inna botto
    i hate to digress, but i represent the best
    comin from the west w/ the bulletproof vest
    so bring yo tweny 2, i got 2 fists god blessed

  21. There is only one thing around here that ain’t happening, and that is S Fitty’s freestyle career

    weak times ten!

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