Well, after months of waiting, me and the ol’ coworkers went to see The Matrix Revolutions. If you’ll recall
from a few months ago, we went and saw The Matrix Reloaded. Remember all those things
that I hated in Reloaded? Well since Revolutions was the same goddamned movie, I REALLY hated those things in
Let’s start at the beginning: the 20 minutes of previews for movies that look like they’re really going to be
big turds. Brad Pitt as Achilles in the a movie based on the Trojan War? Bawk bawk, what!? Fuck you, Hollywood.
Fuck you right in your ass. A movie that’s basically a bad combination of xXx and The Fast And The Furious? I guess
I mean to say, ANOTHER movie that’s a bad combination of xXx and The Fast and The Furious? I hate you so much, Los
So, Matrix Revolutions picks up where Reloaded ended almost to the minute. Neo is in a coma on a table with Agent
Smith/Bane unconcious right next to him. The machines are half a day from breaking into Zion and making sure
everyone there has a really bad day. And to top it all off the Agent Smiths inside the Matrix are spreading at
an exponential rate. At the end of Reloaded the audience was left with some tantalizing (to Nerds anyway) developments:
Is the “real” world nothing but another layer to the Matrix? Is Neo really the 6th version of himself to come along?
Has Zion really been leveled to the ground and rebuilt 5 previous times? Well, all you non-Nerd Camp veterans will be happy
to know that the final installment of the trilogy answers exactly none of the questions posed in the second movie. Those
After an extraneous scene exposing more about how the “exiles” from the Source move freely between the Machine World
and The Matrix, we get another Lobby-esque fight scene from the first movie, then a 30 minute long fight scene showing the
Invasion of Zion, then blah blah blah. The problem with the movie (espcially the Invasion of Zion) is that it sets up this
intricate set of dominoes that is the plot. The dominoes of the plot intertwine and go back and forth. Ideally, setting
the first one in motion should come to a junction where it splits into 3 simultaneous columns. A well-known example would
be Return of the Jedi, when at the climax we flip between 3 different plot lines. Matrix had the potential to do the same thing,
with Neo’s Last Flight happening simultaneously with the Invasion of Zion and the Death Star Run-like navigation of the
mechanical tube by Niobe. Instead, we get 30 straight minutes of the Octopus Invaders hitting on Zion, then 20 straight
minutes of Neo and Trinity, then a few minutes of Niobe. Thirty straight minutes of an attack on Zion wears on you with nothing
to break it up.
The ending? Dumb. I’m sorry if it spoils it for you, but Neo dies. Trinity dies. Quite a lot of people in Zion DIE. Architect lives,
Oracle is around at the end. Most importantly, all of the people who you’d thought would be free from the matrix at the end of the
“war” are still plugged in. The end of the third movie brings us back to the state of things at the beginning of the first movie.
You know what that makes me think? The time spent watching those movies was a colossal waste of my time. This movie didn’t
resolve what the first movie stated as the goal. Is that supposed to make me go, “oooh, those guys were so clever!”? No, it makes me
mainly want to kick them in the ballsack.
OK, so overall here’s my final opinion on the Matrix: watch the first movie as much as you want, but just consider it to be
its own movie. Not a part of a trilogy. Let’s just all pretend like the last 2 movies were a dream. A dream whose memory will hopefully
fade with time.