The End of Suicide Football

The winner? Judd Jacobs, aka fuddruckus, has walked away from the 2003 NFL Season one bottle of Dom Perignon richer. Congratulations. The battle came down to Week 10, with only wirkuswhazz and fuddruckus remaining. Wirkuswhazz chose Minnesota on the road over San Diego; fuddruckus chose Kansas City over Cleveland. Kansas won, Minnesota lost. Judd, we will get one (1) bottle of Dom Perignon to you sometime soon. Keep an eye on your mailbox, and everyone else get ready for the next exciting contest.

So, not everyone (or anyone at all) was very excited about the new idea of Madd Sceizzer, Rock Chalk, myself, and Grand Masta Caspa living together. Here’s a smattering of comments a little bird told me about:

“zachery + scientist + rock chalk + casperson = roommates. Would rock chalk go clinically insane in less than 2 months? r u joking me?”
“Moneypenny, are you trying to run Rock Chalk out of town? She can come and live with me. ”
“Not a fan of the idea… ”
“Dumbest. Idea. Fucking. Ever! ”

Let me answer these comments one at a time. Actually, let me cover them all in one answer: there are circumstances surrounding this move that you are not aware of. The decision was not made lightly, and Rock Chalk and I are aware that we will have to make an extra effort to keep some time for just the two of us. Plus, the house is huge and it provides an enormous space to have Whazzgiving at. Cal, bring as many people as you want. We’ve got room for you, Rita, Meridel, Cheryl, and Greg. Don’t bring and San Fran hobos, though.


Rock Chalk just called me to tell me that her sister just got engaged this evening. I seriously doubt that Beth or Brian reads, but if they are reading, CONGRATS.


Let’s talk about something: Matrix Revolutions. Short form: it sucked. Longer form: exactly like the second film. Much longer form: it sucked balls.

That’s it for now. The countdown to Whazzgiving is ON, my pepitos, let’s whazz.

It was reported this week that Mike Lockwood was found dead. You don’t care if I call him Mike Lockwood. You may care if I called him by his real name: Crash Holly. Crash Holly is dead, long live Crash Holly. I hope he’s still carrying that scale around up in wrestling heaven.

–whazz on

76 thoughts on “The End of Suicide Football

  1. My roommates are having a “housewarming” party at this moment. Been drinking captain and cokes since about 4 pm. Jarboring a bujitive! As far as Moneypenny and company’s new living quarters, Erin, try not to throw soup at anyone, Zach try not to destroy the walls with your head. Word life! (pinkies extended)

  2. 1. I don’t understand what is going on. You all are moving into a house by whazzgiving? How big? Is there a pool? Is the weather going to be nice enough for me to wear open toed shoes all weekend? Please, people: I need answers.

    2. I spent a nice weekend with the fam in Racine, so all you assholes who left drunk dials on my machine (including last night, Madd Scientist – not cool): I WOULDN’T ANSWER THE PHONE TO TALK TO YOU EVEN IF I WERE AT HOME.

    3. My upstairs gay couple neighbors who work 3rd shift have Mondays off; last night they walked a goddamn marathon. I got no sleep.

    4. Count me in for Picaresque Day. What happens again, anyway?

  3. 1. yes. 2300 sq ft. private pool. yes.

    2. baby, nothing but love.

    3. yuck. this is why most people don’t like “the gays”

    4. errryone gets drunk

  4. I’ll get the Dom at Beverages and Mo’ and I’ll bring it to whazzgiving. Judd, I really thought I could put up the Dom and then win it, but you proved me wrong. Football is a mess this year. Chris B., Steve Young, Tom Jackson and Michael Irving are already on their 4th suicide football pool this year, and 2 of them had Minn this weekend, so soon they will have to start their 5th. They are fucking paid to understand this shit! I bet GMC coulda won some serious $ with his honest 7 game win streak in some of the on-line pools.
    Congrats, Judd. Bellgirl way going to beer bong the entire bottle. Zach was going to spray it down his pants. What are your plans?

  5. 1. The first and last time I will ever agree with the Scientist.
    2. Congratulations, Judd!
    3. Do you guys really have a pool? Can I see pictures? Is it like the pools on the Bachelor?

  6. whoody whoo and whoa.

    IN NO WAY IS OUR HOUSE AT ALL COMPARABLE TO THE BACHELOR. (sidenote: I have not seen our house yet)

    It is much cooler in every sense of the word including the number and quality of fine ass hoes that are hanging around waiting for me to get there.

  7. yo Casper!

    this is San Jose, there are plenty of hoes…..
    just no fine asses!

    sorry man, it is time to import pussy!


  8. wirkus…i plan on making a regular day special rather than waiting for a special occasion and keeping it special…..

    what do you think?


  9. I think the reason the Madd Scientist says he hates “gays” is because he is gay. Wanna date and come out and show me how you really feel about men?

  10. That sound like a good plan. When I went to portugal I brought back 4 bottles of absinth, and we drank three of them in the first two weeks. I decided to save the last bottle for a special occasion and that bottle is sitting somewhere rotting. I hope you drink it some tuesday afternoon when you’re just sitting around alone flipping through tv stations.

  11. housing update: erin is against a stripper pole in a public area. we’ll have to work around that.

    GMC: erin extremely wants to have a small dog. would a short haired beagle or pug affect your allergies? have you considered claritin reditabs? at a dollar a day you can have 24 hour protection against all pet/household/outdoor alergens. have you considered levitra? it is a new impotence drug that treats male erectile dysfunction. have you considered weed? that might work too.

    i am going to ask lady to give us the garage opener while they do there final cleaning of the house… hopefully they will let us move big stuff early and keep it in the garage and not start charging us rent until november 24/25.

    the pool could handily fit 14 bachelors in it, thus blowing away anything fox could offer.

    but jen… honey… it will be the end of november. you’re taking a trip to NORTHERN california, not some magical “go swimming outside on thanksgiving” paradise. however, i am never one to shy away from a social dip of the skinny variety.

  12. 1. Your temp is in the mid-60s. It is about 25 degrees colder here. Did you Cali wusses already forget a Wisconsin winter?

    2. My offer still stands for Erin to come and live with me. I have a walk-in closet; she can live there on my air mattress free of charge.

  13. hmm yes i remember… i still have it somewhere. quite a novelty that stuff. probably took years off my life. asdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdfasdf.asdf.

  14. jen… it is mid 60s now… you do not understand the wheather patterns out here.

    thus i will explain it.

    mid january – mid july: high in the upper 60s to mid 70s. it may rain once during this period. nightime lows about 53 degrees.

    mid july – early october: highs in the low 70s to low 80s. rain will not happen in these months. nightime lows around 57.

    october – mid november: same as jan-july.

    late november – early january: highs in the mid 50s to low 60s. it will rain a lot. this is the rainy season and the only time during the year that it rains. 2 days ago there was the first thunderstorm of the year… number of lightning strikes: 1. nightime lows in the high 40s/low 50s.

    2. My offer still stands for dipping while skinny. (have fun with the fat jokes, fags.)

  15. My apologies to all the whazzers, but unfortunately I will be unable to partake in the dipping while skinny. I’m on Day Number 12 of being a non-smoker and it is making me fatter.

    If someone gave me a cigarette right now I would light up at my goddamn desk. Instead, I chew gum and eat oranges, all while craving yet ANOTHER large french fry from McDonalds downstairs. This sucks. Fat and free or skinny and smoky.

  16. Casper, or should I say NEIGHBOR. yup thats right you guys are moving about 5 minutes away from my house. I can just see the parties now?

    Anyways, There are lots of hotties out here. Don’t listen to scott or fuddwhateverhisnameis or the faggscientist, they couldn’t pick up a hot chick if she asked them out herself. They got NO game. Capish?

    Bottom Line: There are cuties is san jo. You seem like you’re a man with good taste, so let me take you out one night on the wine train…k?

    ๐Ÿ™‚ Ro

  17. Wirkus, i was rooting for ya! Sorry you didn’t win. Are you sure you don’t want to demand a recount?

    Don is overrated anyways.

  18. why is Don overrated, does he play for the shitty overrated cowboys or something? or are you a mental reignant? well fuck it, i don’t have time for this. i’m gonna go drank some DOM P w/ my imported cutie…

  19. as jen has taught me, dumb game doesn’t work on a smart girl.

    my game is mensa certified, thus it has no effect whatsoever on these dumb as a door nail west coast bitches. put that in your prada and smoke it. you can’t run smart game on a dumb girl.

    that is why nowadays i just treat the westy bitches like the cum dumpsters they are.

  20. I have updated the blog post to reflect the death of Mike Lockwood. Who is Mike Lockwood? Scroll up to the top and read it yourselves, you lazy sons uh bitches.

  21. Jen, I don’t know how many west coast bitches madd has REALLY had. I mean, in his dreams probably tons, but in reality… I am guessing its somewhere close to nothing.

    Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him(Aldous Huxley)

    Obviously it hasn’t happened to him yet….

  22. Whores, cum dumps, cock holsters, west coast bitches… I don’t know why you would think he has lady troubles.

  23. i do not have lady troubles. the beautiful lurking rach-o cant attest to that.

    i simply hate the vaginal beings this state is reproducing.

    uh oh… scientist just got a phone call…

  24. Oooooh, 4nyay posted at the same time as me. It’s like Billy, the retarded boy who delivers our afternoon newspaper said today: You’re cute. I bet you just hook the boys.

    Then he made some unintelligible comment about Al Capone and my pinstripe pants (super cute, BTW).

  25. scott you of all people should know that madd is gay, isn’t he your life long partner?

    Anyways, enough shit talking for one day. Zach hates it when you and madd go off on lame ass zing a thons. Know your limit biatch.


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