What In The Jumping Green Christ Is Going ON Here?

CAL: how many people are you bringing to my house for Whazzgiving? It’s not like I just have to throw some more gravy in the pot. You and your kind need an entirely new menu. You have to tell me more than just the day before that you’re bringing 3 vege-tegans to my house. It’s not a problem BUT I HAVE TO KNOW AHEAD OF TIME.

Goddammit.

I’m going to ram your head into a stop sign when we all go to SF for the day. Then I’ll feed you to the seals. Those meat-eating fuckers’ll chew anything that moves.

38 thoughts on “What In The Jumping Green Christ Is Going ON Here?

  1. boom! say hello to bold cal! so. poor rita has to work on whazzgiving. that is a shame. so it looks like she’s out. also, the jury is out on cheryl and boyfriend nate. but it looks like greg and cal and meridel are in. and maybe cheryl and boyfriend nate. i don’t know fer shur pal. so three to five. don’t worry too much about food dude! we’ll bring food too so it will all work out in the end. it’s like that crappy childrens story where the one dude puts rocks in a pot and everybodys like: “yo, them rocks in a pot aint gonna feed NOBODY” but then it’s all good in the end. so you just focus on moving and let cal handle the rocks in a pot soup. love, cal.

  2. i can’t figure out how to add an official review so i’ll do one here.

    Under Siege 2: Dark Territory… i think this title is a subtle hint about where to put this dvd after you’re done watching it. cals ass… THE dark territory.

    starring beloved steven segal, i won’t even start on his bad acting or cliched movie plots. god damn i’m already pissed at this movie.

    basic plot: nerd camp counseler builds a sattelite that can make earthquakes and no one can trace them. then he gets fired. he builds a new transmission protocol to talk to his old satellite that supposedly can’t be tracked as long as he is moving… (i didn’t get it either, but don’t worry, they contradict themselves later when he is like “you probably tracked in on my location by now”… fuckers) anyways, he takes over the sattelite and starts blowing up china. good times.

    little did nerd camper know, but our hero steven segal was on the train on vacation….. sure they had a billion dollar budget, but using their own plane or staying in motion some other way just didn’t seem feasible i guess, so they took over a passenger train…. sure….

    steven meets a funny negroe train bellman… at one point steven goes behind a bar and gets these items:

    1) crisco
    2) bottle of beer
    3) coconut oil
    4) lighter fluid

    he puts some crisco into a martini shaker and our dark skinded friend exclaims “WHAT ARE YOU DOIN’?!”… steven retorts egotisticaly “oh, this… yeah, i’m making a bomb” WOOOOOOAH!!! HE’S MAKING A GOD DAMN BOMB! so he brakes the beer bottle up, mixes it with the coconut oil and puts that in the martini shaker to chill it i guess. then he takes the lighter fluid and bellman is like “WHAT IS THE LIGHTER FLUID FOR?!?!”

    mother. fuck.

    ITS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING BOMB AND YOU SOMEHOW UNDERSTAND HOW THE COCONUT OIL PLAYS INTO RAPID EXPULSION OF GASES, BUT DON’T SEE HOW LIGHTER FLUID MIGHT HELP!? SDS, i’ll see you at the ulcer shack.

    of course steven has an explanation “you know, its like a detonator”

    oh.

    he finds electrical tape, wires, and a pager and devises himself up a call in bomb. 1 problem though, the whole movie steven has been trying to find a way to make a call out of the train, but somehow he is going to call the pager?? couldn’t he just use the pager to page someone else??

    whatever, i’ll let that ALL slide if the execution is good. it isn’t. he walks upstairs to a heavily guarded room that for some reason they left the door unlocked an unguarded… steve throws the bomb in and it instantly explodes and the room is on fire. OK JACKASS, WHY DID YOU NEED THE PAGER?! and if you just wanted fire everywhere, why not just light a rag on fire, stick it in the BOTTLE OF FUCKING LIGHTER FLUID YOU HAD, AND THROW **THAT** INTO THE ROOM. fucking idiots.

    what is our african buddy doing at this time? oh, he is running through the room to get the targeting CD out of the nerds computer. after nerdy nerderson finds out he says “without that cd this train might has well be 20 tons of scrap metal”. first off buddy a 50 car passenger train is way over 20 tons… secondly WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU MAKE A COPY OF THE CD OR PUT THE CONTENTS OF IT ON YOUR HARD DRIVE?!?!?! GOD DAMN IT YOU COULD HAVE STORED IT IN RAM EVEN.

    whatever. this movie sucked, so at this point i turned on my computer and jerked off to some quality porn.

    the porn industry has never let me down… steven segal however does so on a biweekly basis.

    oh, and cal is gay.

  3. 1. Glad to have ya cal.
    2. Now I got the song “Ulcer Shack” playing in my head.
    3. Moneypenny, I cracked open the book of Norris last night and I read a few essays and the little girl tries to eat a leaf/mom dies of starvation/rich people eating asparagus scene from the octopus.

  4. it’s strange when the faker cal’s just write normal things. see above. why? anyway i will have a highlife.

  5. Rock Chalk, I am attempting to start an argument with you about Sunday’s big game, you are not online, that makes my arguments very difficult. Just emailing you through Randy is not fulfilling my urge to argue about football, where are you.

  6. All they do is kick the ball around until some fat guy shouts gooaal for five minutes. Football is a very boring game. Except when the American girls beat the Chineses and take their shirts off.

  7. The women from my team’s region are excellent in their breeding, appearance, and ability to have sexual intercourse. The “women” who live in your region would not be sought after by any male from my region.

  8. That raises many interesting points:
    1. You and your wife now live in “my region”
    2. I, being a “woman who lives in my region”, has been “sought after” by males from “your region”

  9. We’re quoting from an Onion article. You think I would really talk like that!? I’d just say that niners fans are homos and be done with it.

  10. madd.
    you gay dawg..
    update suicide you fagg…
    i’m still trying to set records you lazy POS….

    Peace.

  11. Here’s another tidbit for you, as of Week 11 in the NFL:

    Defense:
    49ers – 8th
    Packers – 25th

    Offense:

    49ers -5th
    Packers – 6th

  12. Oooh… how could you think that Neaderthal is prettier than I am? I could just pinch you. Does anybody have some gum? Anybody? Come on guys, don’t you care about fresh breath?

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