Boom! Bold Cal out. — Any person at any time doing anything between Nov. 26 and Nov. 30
Bangin’ bitches with no rubbers — Moneypenny
I believe it was Chekov who once said something along the lines of: if you have a gun introduced somewhere in your story, in the end it better go off. Along those lines, if Cal gets drunk in your home and your home is equipped with a pool, someone will be in that pool by the end of the evening. Well, Chekov not only was a good pilot of the starship Enterprise, but also a talented plot structure commentator. He was fully aware that a Cal full of booze plus a Wirkus full of booze would produce equal parts hilarity and destruction. My house is rather clean as of Monday considering what took place there this weekend. What weekend was this, you ask? Well, in case you’re new here or you are too dumb, last weekend was
Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?
Wednesday, Nov. 26th
Madd and I picked up Wirkuswhazz and Bellgirl at SFO around noonish. We went home and a noticably grumpy Wirkuswhazz was on the Whazz machine before his shit hit the floor. While me and Bellgirl went to forage for food at Rose Market, Wirkus did such things as play whazz and lie on Madd’s couch. While getting food, Bellgirl got to see 4 whole lamb carcasses get dragged through the door that was 2 feet from the small window that they thrust our food out of when it was ready. She was a bit disturbed by the whole ordeal.
Later that evening we made our Whazzgiving grocery list and went to purchase spices, vegetables, and $300 of liquor. Oh $300 of liquor, I knew you’d cause us a heapin helpin of trouble. Wirkus bought a bottle of scotch to drink that evening.
Wednesday Evening Long Story Short: Wirkus drank practically the entire bottle of scotch and turned into one of the baddest drunks I ever saw. We tried to play a couple games of Pit and it turned into Wirkus ripping Kristine from L.A. a new one for not respecting the works of Frank Norris. Shortly thereafter he went into the office, took off all his clothers and passed out naked on the futon. Bellgirl used her nursing skills to roll him over enough so that she could sleep there too.
Thursday, Nov. 27th
Whazzgiving started out like any other day: we were drinking beer at 9:30am on a Thursday and watching the Green Bay Packers play the Detroit Lions. Meanwhile, I had my hand up an organic turkey’s ass trying to wrestle his neck and giblets out. Once that was done we coated him with a stick of butter and sent him on a 5 hour journey to deliciousness. We had a 1/4 barrel of MGD, 5 bottles of Fournier Champagne ($3.99 ea.), and various bottles of wine. Wirkuswhazz said that I wanted nothing more than for my Whazzgiving Dinner to resemble La Bamba’s at 3 in the morning: just a bunch of drunk people stuffing food in their mouths. And indeed that is what I wanted.
Cal showed up at 2pm. Beligerant Cal showed up not long after that.
The new, larger kitchen worked out very well considering we had 6 people making food at once and no one got stabbed with a knife or powerbombed through the countertop. Everyone did their part (except Cal who I told to pour the wine but he just opened it and went to drink more beer) and we were eating by 4:30 or 5pm. I was handing out Stacker2 to anyone who wanted, because my Whazzgiving name is The Pusher, and some people ate a bit too much. We had to separate people out because we had 13 people, and only two tables that would seat 6 and 5 people respectively. I had a great idea that people pick their seating out of a hat to give the whole thing a bit more flavor. After Rock Chalk and SDS cheated in order to get seats on the couch to watch football, however, the success of the idea sank just a little bit. So did my heart. In any case, the people sitting in the dining room put on aires and thought they were better than me. I wanted them all to die.
After dinner we drank with renewed vigor, and by 7pm we were all Stinko Drunk. Beligerant Cal was in full force, and when he decided someone was going to get thrown into the pool out in the backyard, well I guess it was going to happen. He crashed into the garage to try and get me, but I’m a fat man and could easily overpower him. Not before he jumped onto Madd’s motorcycle, then STOOD UP AND LEAPT AT ME. I’d never seen Scientist so deadly serious before that point. “Get off the bike,” he told Cal. Cal complied by standing on the seat and jumping directly at me.
Eventually Cal wrestled Wirkus to the shores of Lake Thug Mansion. He was about to toss Wirkus into the pool when Wirkus yelled out, “WAIT! The pool is too shallow! You’ll crack my fucking head open!” Cal hesitated for a moment and leaned over to check out the pool’s depth for himself. In that instant Wirkus kicked Cal from behind and sent him into the pool. Everyone ran for cover. An enraged, soaking-wet, drunken Cal was on nobody’s wishlist this Kwaanza.
Wirkus hid in the bathroom for about an hour. When he came out Cal was slow dancing with Bellgirl to a Backstreet Boys tune in the living room, but then him and Greg sprung their trap. Greg through a chop-block on me as Cal tackled Wirkus. Together, Greg and Cal dragged Wirkus to the pool, and this time they tossed him in unimpeded. Moments later Bellgirl threw herself into the pool voluntarily. Wirkus, thinking Cal had jumped in after him, through a vicious elbow to his assailant’s head. Bellgirl was hit by Wirkus’ elbow. Har har har, the laughs keep coming.
Now that everyone was changed into new clothes, we got down to some serious drinking. The time? about 8pm. The general conciousness of the Whazzgiving attendants? fucking drunk.
I’ll let others fill in more of this part of the story, but I was passed out drunk at around 11:30pm. Most of the party went home at 10pm or so.
To Be Continued…