Whazzgiving 2003

Boom! Bold Cal out. — Any person at any time doing anything between Nov. 26 and Nov. 30

Bangin’ bitches with no rubbers — Moneypenny

I believe it was Chekov who once said something along the lines of: if you have a gun introduced somewhere in your story, in the end it better go off. Along those lines, if Cal gets drunk in your home and your home is equipped with a pool, someone will be in that pool by the end of the evening. Well, Chekov not only was a good pilot of the starship Enterprise, but also a talented plot structure commentator. He was fully aware that a Cal full of booze plus a Wirkus full of booze would produce equal parts hilarity and destruction. My house is rather clean as of Monday considering what took place there this weekend. What weekend was this, you ask? Well, in case you’re new here or you are too dumb, last weekend was

Whazzgiving 2003

Let’s begin at the beginning, shall we?

Wednesday, Nov. 26th

Madd and I picked up Wirkuswhazz and Bellgirl at SFO around noonish. We went home and a noticably grumpy Wirkuswhazz was on the Whazz machine before his shit hit the floor. While me and Bellgirl went to forage for food at Rose Market, Wirkus did such things as play whazz and lie on Madd’s couch. While getting food, Bellgirl got to see 4 whole lamb carcasses get dragged through the door that was 2 feet from the small window that they thrust our food out of when it was ready. She was a bit disturbed by the whole ordeal.

Later that evening we made our Whazzgiving grocery list and went to purchase spices, vegetables, and $300 of liquor. Oh $300 of liquor, I knew you’d cause us a heapin helpin of trouble. Wirkus bought a bottle of scotch to drink that evening.

Wednesday Evening Long Story Short: Wirkus drank practically the entire bottle of scotch and turned into one of the baddest drunks I ever saw. We tried to play a couple games of Pit and it turned into Wirkus ripping Kristine from L.A. a new one for not respecting the works of Frank Norris. Shortly thereafter he went into the office, took off all his clothers and passed out naked on the futon. Bellgirl used her nursing skills to roll him over enough so that she could sleep there too.

Thursday, Nov. 27th

Whazzgiving started out like any other day: we were drinking beer at 9:30am on a Thursday and watching the Green Bay Packers play the Detroit Lions. Meanwhile, I had my hand up an organic turkey’s ass trying to wrestle his neck and giblets out. Once that was done we coated him with a stick of butter and sent him on a 5 hour journey to deliciousness. We had a 1/4 barrel of MGD, 5 bottles of Fournier Champagne ($3.99 ea.), and various bottles of wine. Wirkuswhazz said that I wanted nothing more than for my Whazzgiving Dinner to resemble La Bamba’s at 3 in the morning: just a bunch of drunk people stuffing food in their mouths. And indeed that is what I wanted.

Cal showed up at 2pm. Beligerant Cal showed up not long after that.

The new, larger kitchen worked out very well considering we had 6 people making food at once and no one got stabbed with a knife or powerbombed through the countertop. Everyone did their part (except Cal who I told to pour the wine but he just opened it and went to drink more beer) and we were eating by 4:30 or 5pm. I was handing out Stacker2 to anyone who wanted, because my Whazzgiving name is The Pusher, and some people ate a bit too much. We had to separate people out because we had 13 people, and only two tables that would seat 6 and 5 people respectively. I had a great idea that people pick their seating out of a hat to give the whole thing a bit more flavor. After Rock Chalk and SDS cheated in order to get seats on the couch to watch football, however, the success of the idea sank just a little bit. So did my heart. In any case, the people sitting in the dining room put on aires and thought they were better than me. I wanted them all to die.

After dinner we drank with renewed vigor, and by 7pm we were all Stinko Drunk. Beligerant Cal was in full force, and when he decided someone was going to get thrown into the pool out in the backyard, well I guess it was going to happen. He crashed into the garage to try and get me, but I’m a fat man and could easily overpower him. Not before he jumped onto Madd’s motorcycle, then STOOD UP AND LEAPT AT ME. I’d never seen Scientist so deadly serious before that point. “Get off the bike,” he told Cal. Cal complied by standing on the seat and jumping directly at me.

Eventually Cal wrestled Wirkus to the shores of Lake Thug Mansion. He was about to toss Wirkus into the pool when Wirkus yelled out, “WAIT! The pool is too shallow! You’ll crack my fucking head open!” Cal hesitated for a moment and leaned over to check out the pool’s depth for himself. In that instant Wirkus kicked Cal from behind and sent him into the pool. Everyone ran for cover. An enraged, soaking-wet, drunken Cal was on nobody’s wishlist this Kwaanza.

Wirkus hid in the bathroom for about an hour. When he came out Cal was slow dancing with Bellgirl to a Backstreet Boys tune in the living room, but then him and Greg sprung their trap. Greg through a chop-block on me as Cal tackled Wirkus. Together, Greg and Cal dragged Wirkus to the pool, and this time they tossed him in unimpeded. Moments later Bellgirl threw herself into the pool voluntarily. Wirkus, thinking Cal had jumped in after him, through a vicious elbow to his assailant’s head. Bellgirl was hit by Wirkus’ elbow. Har har har, the laughs keep coming.

Now that everyone was changed into new clothes, we got down to some serious drinking. The time? about 8pm. The general conciousness of the Whazzgiving attendants? fucking drunk.

I’ll let others fill in more of this part of the story, but I was passed out drunk at around 11:30pm. Most of the party went home at 10pm or so.

To Be Continued…

129 thoughts on “Whazzgiving 2003

  1. …and we fucking traded richie sexson for 6 jobbers. I guess I’m happy with it. At least we got Craig Council the only man in all of MLB who wants to be on the Brewers. I wish we could trade Cal to someother website for 6 random internet nerds.

    Also, Cal, what happened with that Rita blowout?

  2. hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.hate.
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  4. Yes, Cal, what happened with dear sweet Rita after we left you on the corner of Columbus and Somewhere in North Beach?

  5. Cal I can’t believe Rita rarely sees beligerent Cal, it almost makes me want to meet the nice man named Zach that she is so in love with or maybe that was who i was slow dancing with!

    Oh and Jen that Santa Clara school looked nice from the view we saw it, Old man Wirkus is just being a whiskey asshole, except this time without the whiskey.

    And Zach, I personally liked Sunnyvale, I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is like Oconnomowoc, maybe more like Green Bay or Wausau, but the key is how close you guys are to San Fran or Palo Alto or Burlingame for that matter. Burlingame was too cool for my boss Zach, Green Bay aint got those advantages.

  6. zach, i fucking hate you.

    i just typed a 1000 word response to bellgirl and wirkus about sunnyvale and why its tite.

    SORRY YOU’RE NOT THE MADD SCIENTISTS, LOG IN FIRST

    well fuck if i’m not the scientist. the least you could do is save my fucking post.

    all is lost.

    the world cries. a baby farts.

    PFFFFFFFFFT.

  7. jen, please reconcile these new “high standards” with santa clara law. i just cant seem to get it. help

  8. 1. zing for sean.
    2. madd, I wish I coulda seen you’re response to my hate.hate.hate esp the part about go-karts.
    3. I was just clownin’, but I do hope to get some kind of response from at least a couple whazzers. Really I wish I lived in thug mansion.

  9. WM is so big cuz it couldn’t fit all your hate in its regular size. its like the stay puft or statue of liberty in ghostbusters. hate breeds hate & it keeps growing & growing…much like my dick when i see a naked woman.

  10. i hate it when i run out of vodka. it makes me sad 🙁

    but…uh oh, wait whats this. god bless the backup supply. my night can be happy again 🙂

  11. dada dada damn…that was quite the submission lesnar threw on benoit tonite…IN SAN JOSE, BUT YET WE DIDN’T ATTEND.

  12. Oooh, nice one Wirkuswhazz. I mean, the whole thing about it is that I’m just not smart enough to apply and have any hope of being matriculated into the law school at UWM. It has been a rough decision that has had a dramatic impact on my ego, and will probably result in the shortfall of my future successes.

    OH FUCKING WAIT. I forgot that UWM doesn’t even HAVE a law school. That’s because it’s about fourth place on the scale of UW system schools. BTW, how’s that whole English deal coming?

  13. That was partly just kidding. I could have been meaner saying something like how an M.A. in English might help you fill out the 30+ application for food stamps a little bit more quickly, but I’m not like that.

  14. ha.ha.

    We don’t have a space program either.
    At least give Sean credit for that last zing and admit that you’re plan to walk to school was bullshit.

  15. WWHAZZ,
    I didn’t take parker out yesterday because I had about 20 students hound me after class. Boo.
    I’m sorry. If your dog’s bladder explodes, I’ll pay to fix it.

  16. y don’t u bring parker to class…kids love dogs.
    the whole bladder exploding thing is a bit unsettling.

  17. 1. Won’t Parker just piddle on the floor? Dogs are smart. Ruin carpet vs. exploded bladder? I’d ruin the carpet, too.
    2. We ALL love the Old Man. His 48th birthday is tomorrow.

  18. I’m not sure if he’s smrt, but he can hold his whazz for a long ass time. Sure I like when katie checks on him so he can whazz, but mostly I just hate leaving him home alone all day because he likes people.

  19. I just got this e-mail. Should I go?

    Hi all,

    Our Tropical Holiday party will be next Friday Dec. 12 at 4:00pm
    on the 4th floor lobby.

    Since the theme is Tropical, dress for the occasion……wear shorts,
    flip-flops,
    Hawaiian shirts, or something colorful, but no bikinis allowed.

    Food and beverages will have Tropical flavor.
    There will be lively entertainment this year! Can you limbo?

    Don’t forget to contribute and sign up to bring in something.
    Sign up sheet on the door of main office (439)

    Hope to see you all next Friday!

  20. 1. Katie, congratulations on your test. When do I get to call you doctor?
    2. Jen, law school is a waste of time and money.
    If you really want to go , I will open one in my attic. The tuition will be getting me drunk on friday nights except during finals week, when I have to get drunk every night. Anyone else who wants a precious “law degree” is welcome. That means you, peace corps Sean.
    3. Parker, piss on it.

  21. you should not go, wwhazz, because you will not be able to wear your bikini and you know can’t fucking limbo.

  22. wirkus, that party will be lame-o. do not attend. it has nudge-fest written all over…. its the party of rules.

  23. Hey, why did I have to login today?

    wwhazz, I’d reconsider the Tropical Party since you’re nota allowed to wear AH, SHIIIIITTT… GODDAMN O’NEIL BEAT Me to that easy setup.

    Uh, well, then, let’s see…. Your mom!!!! BOOOYA!

  24. hello there don’t think i won’t go there go to milwaukee and do a show there. mike wirkus, you better snap back to reality you mean old c to the urmudgeon. be civil you asshole you are one critical asshole. glad you didn’t see my new apartment. geez. you say that dank ass below freezing milwaukee doesn’t affect your mood THIS IS BULLSHIT you criticize the house the car the city i don’t know why jesse or mpenny puts up with you i wish mpenny would have run you over with his car. anyway you-know-who got an earload of whazz and pills and “porn pictures” sort of took it the wrong way. but all is well. wirkus pull it together. by the way that’s my chekov anecdote you bastard. hi o’neil.

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