The Man Who Wasn’t There

Those who attended Whazzgiving or who have been to my humble abode all know that I keep a secret out in the garage. And that secret turns out to be your run-of-the-mill huganitc garbage pile. It takes up a full quarter of the 2 car garage. Today (Friday) was garbage day on our street, and I remembered as I was walking out of the house to go to work. I looked up the street and not 200 yards away was the garbage truck coming towards our house. I ran into the garage and started dragging out all of the bags of garbage we have. On top of the 10 or so BAGS of garbage we have about 50-75 cardboard boxes from the house move. I didn’t, however, want to drag all of the boxes out because I didn’t know if the guy would take them in the truck. So I did the stupidest thing in my entire time of living in California.

I assumed that I could fucking ask the motherfucking piece of shit garbageman whether or not he could take the fucking boxes.

My garbage is in the pile by the street with one can full and a bunch of bags on the sidewalk. I am standing 2 feet behind the bags and can as the truck pulls up to my house. As soon as the truck stops a gigantic hydraulic arm comes out of the truck, picks of the can, and empties the contents into the truck. The man gets out and walks towards me. He starts throwing the light bags into the truck directly and the heavy bags into the now-empty trash can so that the arm could do the work again. He never acknowledges me.

I AM STANDING LESS THAT 4 FEET FROM HIM AND ATTEMPTING TO ASK HIM A QUESTION.

As he picks up the last bag I say, “Um, excuse me, I have a quick quest–” and I am cut off as he looks at me, turns around, walks to the truck, activates the arm again, and then gets in his truck and drives away. The man fucking stood there while I talked to him and ignored me so utterly that I wanted, for the first time in my LIFE, to chase that fucking truck down and beat the motherfucking piss out of the of the occupant. This piece of shit. The only thing I wanted to do was ask if I could put my broken down boxes at the curb. That fucking piece of shit.

HE LOOKED RIGHT AT ME, AND THEN TURNED AND WALKED AWAY. HE DID NOT ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE.

I think I’ll be at the curb bright and early next Friday morning so I can ask him again. If he ignores me again, I’ll throw a fucking brick at his truck.

The garbage in my neighborhood is picked up by gin-soaked, pants-shitting, goat-fucking mother-fucking-fuckers.

Have a great fucking day.

69 thoughts on “The Man Who Wasn’t There

  1. there is no thizzle edsel ford fong! there is only the true bold edsel ford fong! edsel ford fong does not hate!

  2. 1. I think that garbage man is my favorite person
    in the world. From now on, I’m not going to respond to people when they ask me questions. I’ll
    just walk away. Especially with my students.
    Genius.

    2. O’Neil, thanks! I still have a dissertation to write, so no DR for a really long time, I’m sure.

    3. 4nyay, sorry for the exploding bladder image..
    it was you that was grossed out, right.

    4. Bellchica, are you in MILW this weekend with
    wwz??

  3. We are never in Milwaukee. We will never be in Milwaukee. If I ever want to see her, I come to Madison. If you or anyone else wants to see her, I suggest you do the same.

  4. I’ll be back on Saturday morning, but I’ll be gone again on Sunday because I’m going to the Packer game.

  5. WWZ
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you
    fuck you

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