Happy birthday to Cal!

Shit, I forgot til just now: All you whazzers congratulate Cal for turning the big 3-0. Happy 30th, Cal! I remember when you were young. Very, very young. Now you are old. Very, very old. What did you do for the “big day?” No whazz or pills or porn, I’m guessing… you know, don’t mix work and pleasure… but what did you do in honor of your b-day? Eat a big plate of corn and then eat a tofutti cuttie with a candle in it? I want every whazzer to tell a story about when they first met cal, even SDS and the other whazzers who have known him for a week or so. So 4nyaya, when you post 1st 11 seconds after I post this bitch I want you to include your “when I met Cal” story. Me? I’m going to have to think about it for a moment… it was so long ago.

32 thoughts on “Happy birthday to Cal!

  1. second! go cal, it’s my birthday. i ate a big plate of corn. you all don’t have to write stories, i know you must be awfully tired of cal tying up the airways. post after post after post. poor whazzmaster.com- it’s become glutted with cal.

    whazzmaster.com: glutted with cal

    thanks for remembering my big day wwhaz. but no, not 30 yet thank the dear, dear lord.

    “i’m 28- they gonna take you ‘fore they take me”

    whazz on

  2. I know youíre not 30. I wanted to start a rumor, like the myth of old man Springer. Speaking of the old goat, Moneypenny, Z has a pic from the bachelor party of him and BG and a bottle of Dom, but in the background Springer and Frenchy are engaged in what appears to be an animated discussion. I wish I could hear what they were talking about.

    Anyway, I met Cal back in the summer of 96 when Jen was still wearing MGD boxes on her head, Moneypenny, Z was back at nerd camp and Bellgirl was still in her motherís womb. Back then, he went by the name Zach. Whazz hadnít even been invented yet.

    Long story short, Zach (cal) was a part time floppy haired bartender at the HOJO, a part time MATC student and a full time party thrower. We first hung out at one of his parties and my only clear memories of the event were:
    1. Phil V. questioned his sexuality because of a life-sized poster of a baseball player and a toolbox full of gardening supplies
    2. Zach (cal) hung out with an impressive army of hot women including the chicks who lived in the house next to us and always changed with their curtains open.
    3. I spent a good chunk of the party playing Mike Tysonís Puchout with Greg. Back then I wasnít as cool as I am now (see #2).

    Thatís all I got.

    whazz on

  3. HAPPY BITHDAY CAL! You have the same birthday as the Old Man. Happy birthday Old Man!

    I don’t remember the first time I met Cal. It must have been during the All Star Second Shift Sunday Night at the HoJo: Me, Jen O, Springer as Bellman and Cal in the bar. Then I got to know him better as Springer’s roommate, except that he was never there.

  4. I met cal on whazzgiving, good good times. I went with Erin to pick him up at the Bart station because he doesn’t have a car, what’s up with that anyways. So he gets in the car and I turn around and say “I’m Heather” Cal responds “SOURDOUGHSAM!!!!!!!!!!” Pretty uneventful ride home.

    The fun began when cal was drunk about 20 minutes after getting back to thug mansion. You’ve all already heard the whazzgiving events involving cal. All I have to add is when I went to go home and I went to say bye and cal gives me this huge hug and says “you’re so cool, I like you” very drunkenly. BOLD CAL OUT!

  5. I’ll be posting my Cal story this evening. You’ll get the “How Did I meet Cal” Story plus a bonus tale about how he was drawn into the world of Whazz (not its name back then). Pre-bonus tale factoid: Cal was instrumental in the evolution of the name of Whazz.

  6. Wow surprise surprise. For someone who doesn’t play “not it” I am glad to see that Kyle still has a little child left in him to play “first.”

  7. Happy Birfday CaL!!!
    Like many of the previous stories I met cal when he still had Zach on his name tag at the good ol’ Hoj bar, before it became some Badgerland bullshit place. Unfortunately I do not really remember the exact “first” time of meeting him. I can imagine I was dressed in my bellgirl outfit, khakis, a very horrible navy vest and to top it off a manly shirt and tie, and I am sure Cal was wearing his sexy bartender uni. I do know that I was often confused about who he was exactly because of his two names, nevertheless I am sure we had a grand old time at the Hoj. I met beligerent Cal more recently… I guess the first clear memory being Zach and Erin’s wedding when he used my tambourine to assult Katie. All in all i am happy to know cal/zach/beligerent cal and thank you once again for the time you spent with us in San FRan and the delightful tour..
    p.s. I hope rita doesn’t hate us

  8. Happy Birthday Cal!
    My first cal memory, like everyone else’s is cal in the hojo bar.
    My first real cal memory is going to a party at his house–was it on Webster? And I remember thinking that nobody our age should be able to afford such a nice apartment. It had a fireplace and a new kitchen. And, Cal was pleasant and friendly… not beligerent.

  9. Happy Birthday Cal!
    My most memorable Cal moment is seeing him mash a huge pot of potatoes, large enough to feed a small army of vegetarians, on Zach’s living room table at the first Whazzgiving. See the picture archive for details

  10. Hey Wisco and formerly Wisco whazzers: We need to get down to business to organize The Day After Christmas 2003 (TM).
    Rachel Roth will be in attendance, and 75% sure that Angela will come with, too.
    Who else is coming? Do we need to reserve a ghetto mobile? What’s the deal? RSVP.

  11. First Memory Of Cal:

    Once, in midsummer of 1997, a young man named Zachery Moneypenny had graduated college and been accepted to the University of Wisconsin at Madison. He needed a part-time job to get food money while he was living in Ogg Hall West (rm 222). The GM of the nearby Hojo had worked with his dad in Milwaukee, so Zach went to beg for a job. He was interviewed for the position of Front Desk Clerk by Dani in the hotel bar. The time? Approximately 4:30pm. Guess who was setting up the bar for the evening: Zach’s evil doppelganger Zack. And so Zach and Zack became fast friends who stood by each other through thick and thin… actually, I didn’t really do anything with anybody from the Hojo until I turned 20 3/4 and started to get into the Living Room because we knew the bouncer and Red Shed because Marksie worked there. But I STILL HAVE MY DREAMS!

    Extra Super Bonus Story:

    During the summer of 1999, Zack and I (Zach) played tennis down by Lake Monona about 4 days a week. Typical day: wake up, go play tennis, eat lunch, go home, shower, go to work at Hojo, go drink until 3am, sleep, repeat. One day I was scheduled to eat lunch with Paul, Todd, and Wirkus at BW3. Zack tagged along and after we ate lunch four of us sauntered over to the ol’ Golden Tee ’98 machine. We were playing and Zack was all like, “What is this dumb game?” Eventually we got him playing along, however, and thus was Cal born.

    Some of the greatest battles in whazz history occured between Cal and HHH (now known commonly as PAL). Cal also was the nemesis of MAZ and occasionally ROK. It wasn’t for another 6 months or so, however, that Cal was introduced to perhaps the greatest challenger of his life: RAJ.

    Extra Extra Bonus Factoid About Whazz: Did you know that in the beginning there was a constant Whazz champion? Did you further know that the championship was contested WWF-style and had a championship belt that went along with it? Now you know.

  12. No, no, NO. The Squeeze Box Prize is part of the Professional Whazz League prize structure. It was not present for Collegiate Level Whazz. There were only two prizes back then: the Championship Belt and the Women’s Title.

    Further Factoid: Did you know that it was common place back in the late 90’s for someone to have the championship, play a match, lose the match (and presumably the championship), and then tell the new champion that he (the original champion) wasn’t really the champion because he had lost it to someone else the night before? All in a desperate bid to hold onto the belt for one more day.

    I’m surprised we weren’t hitting each other with chairs while trying to play.

  13. oh dear, sweet MAZ, little do you know you are probably the whazz champion to this day. what moneypenny describes (above) happened one dark day in madison, wisconsin.

    i was the Current Whazz Champion, i was king. life as the whazz champion was sweet indeed, i lived in glory, my classes were a breeze, hangovers were gone by noon. life was good. yet a “fun” relaxed round with MAZ brought me to my knees. WTF?!? i nearly hyperventilated. then, shamefully, i hid my crown. I LIED! for those who don’t know: the rules for BOTH the Championship and the Women’s Title explicitly state that the position of “champion” is to go to any player who succeeds in beating the Current Champion (TM) a la king of the hill.

    by wasting me at the argus that fateful night, MAZ had fulfilled all criterion, and by the rules laid out he was to have been declared champion. after his final putt to make my victory a mathematical impossibility (a birdie on the 18th at rancho) he looked over at me and said (and in my mind his words and gestures reeled at me in slow motion) he said this:

    “well… i guess i’m the champion”

    I freaked. what else could i do? i told him that wirkus was the current champ. thus denying him the crown and forever shaming myself.


    but, you know, in my defense that punk only came out like once every billion years because he was always with his goddam GIRLFRIEND so what was i supposed to do? what would you have done? let him take the championship and hoard the fucker? we’d NEVER see it again! a true champion had to defend the crown NIGHTLY and chris was just NOT PREPARED to do this so, you know, i acted with whazz’s best interest in mind! I AM THE KING OF WHAZZ! THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE KING!

  14. I think your current age of suckitude in Whazz is Karma, my dear friend Cal. It’s a cruel bitch. But now that you’ve said you regret it, perhaps the Gods of Whazz will empower your hand again. I’d like very much to go back to the days when -9 on 18 holes was a score you could be proud of.

  15. wow, belligerent cal before noon, what a treat. Happy birthday. I can’t even remember when I first met Cal. I remember Wirkus working at the hojo and our neighbors changing with their windows open, but I do not remember cal knowing them. It also took me a damn long time to sort out which Zack/Zach was which.

    I think my earliest cal memory was a halloween party at the house that katie talked about. Cal’s then girlfriend was dressed up as Mr. T and they had a big fight. What a surprise.

    My fondest cal memory is when cal and maz used to live down by tenny park and cal would get too drunk to make it all the way home, so he would sleep on my couch. Sometimes, i would hear knocking on the door at 3:30 am, sometimes I would just wake up and there he would be. I was never exactly sure how he got in.

  16. My most vivid Cal memory…a party at Todd’s house. Mad amounts of whiskey and scotch. Bellgirl and seven of her friends + Cal + belligerence = Cal biting me on the neck. Happy birthday, brotha.

  17. Holy shit, nice way to come out of whazz retirement there, Big Show. That party was Textbook Cal. Another Early Dayz Whazz Memory: Paul and Todd were probably the first whazzers, but they dropped out once we got too compettive with our “titles” and our cheating and so on and so forth.

  18. Wow! Big Show! hey pal, did you get to that city council meeting today or what?!? I LOVE THAT STORY!!! ok i’ll briefly tell it… one time big show was sleeping with his girlfirend when suddenly he woke up and began frantically getting dressed… this woke her up and she asked him where he was going. he told her he was “late for the city council meeting.”

    There was some late night legislation that had to be passed, and big show was going to be on time!

    maybe you were dreaming you were on the show NIGHT COURT. oh bull, will you never learn?!?

  19. Sadly, no legislation was passed…

    Moneypenny and all you whazzers out there…I need addresses and phone numbers from you all. Wedding invitations are on the horizon. Get in touch with me, as most of your numbers/addresses have changed since we last saw each other.

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