I’m Down With The Sickness

I AM SICK. Goddammit.

United flight back to Cali was pure fucking shit. From the gate change to the sittin-at-the-back-o-the-plane to the fucking child screaming “I WANT TO SIT BY THE WINDOW!” at his dad to the fucking airline losing our luggage, it was not a pretty site. In addition, I woke up this morning with a veritable cornucopia of delights such as fever, chills, cough, chest pains, sore throat, headache, and nausea. Yup, thanks for the flu. Either Wisconsin gave it to me or United did, but the only way I’m gonna be happy come tomorrow is if I win the $210 million Powerball drawing. If I win I think I’ll buy a Golden Tee 2004 machine.

Wisconsin was humming along swimmingly right up until the point where either I turned Alzheimer-ish and dropped my digital camera into the toilet, or someone stole it from me. And now we get to part where I blow my lid: YOU MOTHERFUCK. YOU DON’T HAVE THE CHARGER OR THE LINK CABLE, AND THE BATTERY WAS ALMOST DEAD. THAT CAMERA WAS OF NO USE TO YOU. FUCK YOU AND EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS. I HOPE YOU FALL INTO A SEPTIC TANK AND DIE. Needless to say, all of my pictures from December 19th-Dec 29th were in that camera. At this point, I alternate between being happy that its gone so that I get to buy a new model, and fucking pissed that all of my pictures are now in the hands of a greasy camera-stealing lunatic.

Of late, Tha Wife has taken an interest in poker. I have been teaching her the basics and she’s picking things up rather well. Since I suck myself, however, I think she will have to suckle from the Poker Knowledge Teat of the Madd Scientist. Once Casperson moves out here, I hope to see many games of Hold’Em at our house. In fact, I’m playing on pokerroom.com RIGHT NOW. I’m also deathly sick, so it’s either slump in a chair in front of the computer with a blanket over me playing poker on the internet, or masturbate furiously in bed for the next 4 hours.

I was in the middle of writing a complaint against modern politics when I got the chance to cleanse my bitter soul to Wirkuswhazz and LosDogg in Milwaukee. Since I no longer want to post that piece of shit I was writing, I’ll just drop some knowledge on you and hope you take my in-good-faith word that it’s worth your time and energy to visit these websites.

The Daily Kos — A really good political blog that keeps track of a) the sins of the Bush Administration and b) all of the Democratic presidential nominees. Good links to background info and follow-ups.
The Daily Howler — If you actually believe that Al Gore said he “invented the internet” please immediately read this full account of the spinning that took place on that particular Gore attack point. The Howler does a very good job of going into the data that all those pundits like to present on Fox News and actually research The Truth. A very good read.
Eschaton — Another political blog that follows very closely with the topics that Kos presents, albeit with a slightly lighter tone.

That’s three good ones to start you off. If there’s one thing that I’d like Whazzmaster.com to collectively pull off this year it’s for everyone to get out and vote in November. We don’t have to argue and debate if that pisses people off, but in light of 2000’s result, it’s clearer than ever that every vote counts. Even if you live in a state that will easily go Democrat, vote anyways to show HOW MUCH you want that Democrat to win. The public only knows what Fox News and CNN tell them, and if this election is anything like 2000, it will lies and half-truths from the top to the bottom.

One more thing: Clinton was impeached because the Republican-controlled Congress said that America was outraged over his conduct in office. The only data they had to back this up was polls that showed that some 30% of the nation believed Clinton should be impeached. When currently asked whether Bush should be impeached for breaking international law (starting a preventative war in Iraq) the polls show about 30% think he should be. Clinton WAS impeached because of a blowjob. Bush and the Re-pundi-cans want the nation to think that he’s doing a GREAT JOB and he CARES ABOUT THE TROOPS even though he waged an illegal war AND members of his administration treasonously revealed the identity of a CIA operative BECAUSE THEY WANTED TO PUNISH HER HUSBAND FOR PROVING THAT THEY LIED IN ORDER TO GO TO WAR. Does no one see this? This isn’t consiracy theory. This isn’t making up stories about how Clinton had Vince Foster murdered RIGHT BEFORE HIS PLANE CRASHED INTO THE GROUND. Bush favors only those people who donate to his massive warchest. Why is he stalling the 9/11 commision? Why is Dick Cheney fighting so that the Energy Task Force papers are not released? Why won’t the Administration cooperate with the Valerie Plame investigation? Why did we need a missile defense shield to combat men with box cutters? WHERE ARE/WERE THE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION?

*puff, puff* I know that I sound hysterical. I’m not. I’m angry that the spread of misinformation has reached a point where rational humans want to butt their heads against walls. Every single one of the people who read this site is smart enough to read on their own and find out for themselves who did and said what. When Krauthammer tells you that Howard Dean is “a nut” because Krauthammer butchered Dean’s speeches to parse out exactly the sentences he was looking for, he does a disservice to the entire nation. Do not let them lie to you.

Now I’ll get right back to swearing at little people on pokerroom.com and attempting to gather the Whazzgiving 2003 pictures into a ZIP file so’s y’all can download them.

Happy New Year (and so help me God if you have my camera and I find out, I will eat cereal out of your fucking skull)!

–whazz on

105 thoughts on “I’m Down With The Sickness

  1. Cal, the flaw in your argument is that someone with only a GED is poor. How much do you want to bet that stripper makes more money that you and me combined??????

  2. uh, the Iran earthquake, which killed what, 50,000? was a 6.5.

    The ’89 Cali one was a 7.1 and only killed 65 people.

    Our buildings (excluding very old ones, but noone lives in the “historic bell tower”) are built to a earthquake code. you’re safe here.

    I’ll remind you of:
    1993 Midwest Flooding – 48 deaths.
    1996 Blizzard and Flooding – 187 deaths.
    etc… etc…

  3. Oh, and Jen is a meanie. you should have slapped her ass and said, “that’s what stipping for drugs will do” or something. But I remind you that President Andrew Jackson didn’t even graduate high school.

    Either way, I applaud you slapping a strippers ass. Good mental picture.

  4. Hi Cal,
    Hey, will you say hi to cheryl for me??? Re-meeting her at BWOAT was the best moment of the BWOAT

  5. wwhazz, did you know that your phone is saying that it is “temporarily out of service”
    my “” marks do not denote sarcasm.
    you are out of order, pal.

  6. Cal – you idiot, I’m one of the poor people. What do you think I do all day? Investment banking?

    Here’s your reality check: CHECK.

  7. 1. I called wirkus’ phone and a hobo answered. I aksed him where he was and he said “detroit” then hung up. Mystery solved, now WHERE’S MY CAMERA?
    2. Southwest roundtrip flight: $88. Boo-yah, something good comes from living in Kah-lee-fone-yah.
    3. Last night we got drunk and I made a mdis rap about 4nyay. It was great, especially the line “You look into the fireplace and see the flames, you’re flaming gay.” I also made a love song about The Plight Of Aaron Moneypenny.

  8. jen, i forgive you for hating poor people and all those who have not been as fortunate as you. i know you want to be good. just think, last year you had a box on your head! your immature brain is still forming… fight to understand jen!

    There but for fortune, go you or i

    love, cal

  9. Next time I see Jen in our State Capital I’m gonna slap her ass and say, “That’s where sleeping with Mexican doctors will get you!”

    Next time anyone sees me flossin about in my ride, they can slap me on the ass and say, “That’s where a big wang will get you!”

    Next time I see Parker I’m gonna slap HIM on the wrinkles and say, “That’s where you’re dog school diploma gets you!”

  10. C’mon Cal, it was upwards of several years ago that Jen was flossin with boxes of MGD on her head (and eating Taco Bell to boot! She loved los mexicanos back then!)

    I heart you Cal.

  11. except you have an education that cost your parents quite literally: THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

    dumbass.

    double dumbass! they should have sunk that $$ into the stock market jen! it did you no good! you crazy box wearing elitist! think dear stripper’s parents bought her an education? nope. think you are poor? think again! well maybe your mind is weak sure, ok you ARE weak minded- if that’s what you mean, but poor, no. now put your box back on your head and turn towards the wall.

    good.

    hi moneypenny!

    love cal

  12. I’m failing to understand how california is unsafe because of Iran. You need better arguments wirkus.

    Thank you Timmah for the stats of california’s safeness.

  13. According to my statistics, I’ve never had my phone stolen by a Dee-Troit Hobo in Cali, whereas I HAVE had my camera stolen in lawless Madison Wisconsin. I have to declare (solely on the basis of that fact) that California is safer and no harm will ever come to me while within its borders.

  14. show me the alley, show me the train
    show me the hobo who sleeps out in the rain
    and i’ll show you a young man with many reasons why

    there but for fortune, go you or go i

  15. jen:

    hey cal, i heard a sea lion and a seal are the same thing!

    cal:

    dammit jen, you’re so dumb! a seal is a sea lion, but a sea lion is not necessarily a seal.

  16. wow. lots of whazzing.

    factoid #1, the city of san francisco has a lot of fog. san francisco sucks, it is worse than wisconsin and we shall ignore it. as far as flying out of SFO, i’ve done it 30 times and never had a problem. i’ve been stuck in wisco the last 2 years i flew home for christmas. 1 point cali.

    factoid #2, snow (unlike rain) makes it severely unsafe to drive. lets see, as i drove the airport on sunday to have my flight canceled i WITNESSED 2 different cars driving off the side of the freeway into the ditch and 1 other accident. Then we drove past no less than 10 different crash sites full of EMTs and cops. there was a *42* fucking car pile up. it only rains out here during 2 months of the year. i have never seen a rain caused accident ever out here. also rain (and especially snow) are annoying. whatever, don’t play the wheather card, cali point #2.

    lack of seasons does make the years fly by and it would be nice to look outside and see a snow covered wonderland… but come on… my brain has aged past jen’s level of staring at shiny things etc. i’m fine without them.

    stop argueing and just move out here.

    holla.

  17. BELLGIRL OR WIRKUS

    now that you lost your phone it makes this a little harder…

    RACH-HO needs to park her car at your house on saturday morning and get a ride to the MSN airport. please call me to get her number or give me a number that she can call you at to set things up. she will also need bellgirl’s address.

    holla.

  18. Sea lions and fur-seals are in the same taxonomical family. They have little ears. True seals do not.

  19. I have been lurking all day on my new favorite website: luxuryfashion.com
    They even have message boards where girls can talk fashion and trends all day long.

    It is a dream come true.

  20. jen,

    G.E.D. = general EQUIVALENCY diploma.

    that means they are just as smart as you… and in the strippers case; better looking and more prosperous to boot.

    look folks, that’s where trying to be funny in front of the madd scientist will get you.

  21. man, i ain’t gay.

    errrrryone come drank tonizzzle and i’ll show you whats up.

    i too tite.

  22. If you communicate with me via telephone, please call as I have no numbers in my new phone.

    Normally buying a new cellie is a joyous event, but not this time– all the new phones these days come with cameras and DVD players and didlo attachments and they cost a fortune, so I went out and bought the exact same phone that I lost.

    Depressing.

    Changing the welcome screen to blue (it used to be green) and the text to “whazz 2” (it used to say “whazz”)did help a little bit.

  23. 1. Unfortunately for the record, I am not JUST a H.S. graduate, but thank you, whazzers, for putting me in my place. I promise, for the second time, to only let the boys in the room degrade and objectify the strippers. Je vous remercie tous.

    2. Zach, your Faux News coffee mugs are a hit with our office (which, BTW, is not located in the State Capitol seeing as we work for the federal government…). A+ gift, Moneypenny.

  24. jen…

    they paid the woman to come there and be naked and rub her boobs on their faces. the woman accepted these terms. in neither contract was degrading and insulting mentioned. in fact probably the only reason you were invited was the underlying probability that you would rub your boobs over someones face… does that means it’s ok to insult you about your poor taste in purses?

    you were rude. and what do you think happens when people are rude to women of the night? god invented the pimp slap for a reason and you deserved one.

    hatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehatehate

  25. It’s funny that you are such an expert on what happened there…

    AND YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE.

    hatehatehatehatehatehate

  26. were you at a party where a stripper was invited and paid for services, at which you left her place of business with a slap to the ass and room stunning “look boys, this is what a G.E.D. will get you”?

    if so, i posess all of the prereqs to call you a meanie.

  27. GED = Generally Equals Dropouts

    Years ago I listened to an interesting lecture at U Chicago about evaluating social programs. He indicated that statistically, GED holders have the same likelihood of success (as measured monetarily) as high school dropouts. Since he later won a Nobel Prize, I would tend to respect his analysis.

    I’ve heard that Bill Gates was a high school drop out, but looking up his biography found that he did graduate high school. He dropped out of college… Harvard… as a senior.

  28. did you just seriously try and bring bill fucking gates into this?

    new poll:

    JEN
    1) rude
    2) funny

    vote now. bold style.

  29. I plead the fifth. Oh but what fifth am I pleading?! The fifth amendment or the fifth choice. Things are real interesting now.
    Ok, no they’re not.

  30. 4nyay sure likes to dish shit out to other people, but the second you turn it back on him he shuts down like a little girl.

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