So What I Lost At Craps

Oh yeah, Scientist? I didn’t want those chips anyways. Joe’s Casino be jank. The stickman always farts and Scientist is high on PCP when you want your payout. Plus he frowns when you thrown behind the neck, behind the back, or between the legs. The limits are low so that Joe can take your money and you can’t win it back.

Don’t ever drop the dice while winding up for a throw; the Highh Scientist doesn’t like it when you do that. You know what he does like, though? He likes when you drop $200 to him.

Vegas is gonna be awesome. If I lose all my money the first day then I’ll just sleep in a corner for the rest of the time. $1000 on black? You know that, jack. Boobs, strippers, hos? Hell no. I’m married. All I want in Vegas is to come home with $15,000. All I need is one mega run at craps, and maybe putting $7,500 on black in roulette. Do not fuck with me Vegas, for I am your gambling doom. I demand nothing short of a free bird show, a free waffle breakfast, and crotch rot.

[UPDATE]
I forgot to say that the one good thing about Joe’s is Sunday Topless Night where all the dealers and stickmen go topless. Still lots of farting, though.

–whazz on

137 thoughts on “So What I Lost At Craps

  1. the show sucked, its a good thing they cancelled it or else espn would have gone the route of mtv. no more sports, just dumb reality based shows & game shows.

  2. Gather ’round kids, Auntie Jen’s got another story.

    I blazed out of work at the stroke of 5 last night and went home to change into normal clothes for the Dean Meet Up. Alona and I had plans to go across the street to our friend, Jason’s house for tapas and wine beforehand. Therefore, I put on more make-up to Shakira blasting in the background and did three tequila shots to warm up. In retrospect, this was probably the first bad idea I had all night.
    So, Alona and I go over to Jason’s house for tapas: a great pizza with chicken, cucumbers and peanut sauce (I love the gays) and wine. My friend Megan was there, with whom I studied in Paris, and so was her friend Libby, who studied in Montpelier; on a side note, I was supposed to have met Libby while in Paris, but before I left to meet them at Barrio Latino I drank a whole bottle of red wine and a bottle of champagne. I got all the way to the Metro and realized once sitting on the train that since I couldn’t see the Metro map of Line 6 (like J Lo), that I was too drunk to find the bar and had to go home. That’s my last memory of that night. I woke up the next morning with all of my clothes on the floor and bruises all over my leg, which I think I may have gotten from falling down the stairs somewhere in the subway. Or maybe I was beaten up by the French hobos. Who knows!?

    But anyway. The five of us head over to the Dean Meet Up at the Club Majestic. We get to the door and the bouncer is like: it’s full. He suggests that we go to Madison’s, a bar next door, where Dean is coming after the rally. Megan screamed: I didn’t come all the way down here to see Dean only to have to sit in Erik Minton’s bar (we all hate Erik Minton, the downtown developer). Luckily, Megan, who we refer to as “Progressive Chic” because she loves equally the Green Party and designer handbags, saw a press guy for the campaign she knows and we snuck in a side door. Once inside, we head to the bar where I manage to down 2 cosmos in about 20 minutes. These were bad ideas #2 and #3 of the night. Kathleen Falk gives a speech (Dane County Exec), and Dean comes out. The crowd goes wild; I am non-plussed by his speech and decide to go to Madison’s anyway to have a cocktail while I wait for my friends to finish watching Dean’s speech.

    I get to Madison’s and order a dirty ‘tini: my poison, and bad idea #4. I sit down at the bar next to, who else? This 35 year old Palestinian man named Ibrahim. I have to admit: Muslim men are to Jen what a moth is to a flame. It’s like they can’t resist me; he must have been blinded by my hair. It’s pretty bright. We talk, and I am introduced to his extended family. His uncle Sal and I hit it off right from the start. They were all really impressed by my arabic, of which I know one phrase: asalam alaykum. I drunkenly told Sal that I would take one class and that they could all just teach me the rest. We talked politics, me and Sal, and he even asked me if I were Jewish. I was like, Sal. Do I look jewish? Sal and I are great pals now.

    Sal eventually left, but not before he bought me another drink, and left me to his nephews. Somehow I wound up at the Opus Lounge, across the street, and I only vaguely remember this because I remember that I had a revelation that I left my Tyme card at Madisons. The night is a blur from then on out, although something about a Benz and getting a ride home. I woke up this morning with Alona pounding on my door: Are you up yet? No. Are you alone? Yes, thank you.
    She called in sick to work today. She urged me to do the same, trying to intice me with a video of Tupac Shakur’s “Thug Immortal” that she stole from her brother.

    I had to self medicate with McDonalds breakfast. I think I was still drunk until about 10 a.m. The morale of the story? Steer clear of dirty martinis and Palestinian men…unless of course, they’re buyin.

  3. Maddox goes off on Bill O’Reilly – and it’s GOOD. My favorite part was when he called O’Reilly a “self collapsing vortex of hypocrisy.”

  4. The whole reason I loaded up wm.comt his morning was because I wanted to hear Jen’s take on the Dean Meet Up. All I get is a 4 page essay on flirting with Arabs and How-To Drink 101. The sum total of words dedicated to the subject I actually cared about? 6, if you count ‘non-plussed’ as one word.

  5. Good hook: “and went home to change into normal clothes ”

    But you lost me at: “Therefore, I put on more make-up to Shakira”

  6. Maybe its because I’ve known her for ages, but it has never crossed my mind that Jen even remotely looks Jewish.

  7. I’m not sure how bad ideas #1-4 turned into “bad” ideas. You go really drunk, and was hungover. Where’s the (full release) finish? I was expecting “… and then when I went to shake Dean’s hand, I puked all over his Jerry Garcia tie. (I love the gays)”

    But then again, I’ve been reading Madd’s posts for too long now. Maybe I’ve become acclimated…

  8. In general its a bad idea whenever Jen drinks. Hey Jen, remember when you were stuck in a nightmare of Sushi and Sake Bombs right before you flew home? THAT was a bad idea.

  9. Zach – I went to the Meet Up because while I feel more informed than the average American about the primary candidates, I can’t “warm up” to Dean. There is just something intangible about him that I don’t like. That was my purpose in going to see him speak.
    He opened with “Who is this room wants to see universal health care?” BLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHWWOOOOO (crowd goes wild)
    “Who in this room wants to see full employment?”
    WWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOO (crowd goes wild)
    “Who in this room wants to beat George Bush?”
    WHHHOOOOOOOOOOO WWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEE (crowd loses its mind in hopeful delirium)

    He gave a pretty good speech, full of the regular stuff that appeals to Dems, but geared toward Willie Street hippies. But I just didn’t like him. My only concern when I vote on February 17th is picking someone who can win. They’re all saying basically the same thing anyway, IMHO.

    Is that a little better? Sorry to disappoint…

  10. and I wasn’t trying to be snotty.

    I remember the Sake Bomb Debacle…

    It is a bad idea when I drink. I’m never drinking again. But sometimes bad ideas are so much fun…

  11. jen, i think you had a typing error w/ IMHO. didn’t you mean ‘I’M HO.’ thats my best guess, but it looks like you still left out ‘a,’ as in ‘I’m a ho.’

    feel free to correct me if i’m wrong.

  12. I’ve read a lot lately that suggests that Dean is concentrating on Wisco, and if he loses it he effectively is done. By the time of the Cali Primary it’ll probably be pretty much decided, unfortunately. At that point I’m going to reevaluate my choices and vote accordingly. While Kerry seems to have the best chance against Bush, there’s just something about HIM that I don’t like. Probably his Iraq flip-flop and special interest backing.

  13. 4nyay – that was funny. BUT I’m not tryin ta be yo man: pimp bones in my body. Just keep that in mind for future reference, baby.

  14. Before I make my judgement on all this special interest talk about Kerry – I want to know which special interests are backing him. Are they big bad evil special interests like the Utility companies and big corporate business, or are they nice soft fluffy special interests like Greepeace and NOW?

    I don’t consider the “flip flop” as such. Most senators who did oppose the supplemental funding did so because the Bush Admin wouldn’t put out specific information on what every dollar would be for. They were just like, give us more money.

  15. Hate to interupt this political forum, but I’ve got some catching up to do.

    1. Dsmn it. Playmakers was a great show. I watched every Tuesday because the shoe reminded me of what ANy Given Sunday would look like as a series; awesome.
    2. Madd just left for work
    3. Madd and I came up with a cool rap last nite (Madd = lead vocals and mixin and GMC = layin out the track and backup vocals).

  16. i consider flip flops to be comfortable during most occasions throughout the year. i thought cali had a primary when we voted for arnold…

  17. Here’s a funny thing about my job that I’ll share with y’all. We have to charge our time to our clients, so we’re supposed to keep track of how much time we spent on what things and charge that through. Well, I’ve been working a couple late nights lately. So the late nights seem to have taken a break for a few days, and I thought I’d catch up on posting my time. Only I’ve been too tired to post it at the end of the day for so long that I can’t remember what I did anymore. Does anybody remember what time I came home on any night from Monday, January 26th – Thursday, January 29th? Also, what time did I come home on Saturday night/Sunday morning? I seem to remember that was the night I came home a minute after Scott left. Scott, do you remember what time you left on Sunday morning?

  18. there are more N bombs in a madd scientist song than there are N bombs thrown about in an argument between the grand dragon of the KKK and the ghettoist person of color

  19. i think it was about 2:15ish in the a.m., but we can ask jen too cuz i think she got a call that morning on my drive home.

    jen, do you remember waking up at 4:15a.m. on a sunday morning hearing my pleasent voice?

  20. Erin, Caspa, and Scientist: I am in charge of finding out if’n you wanna go to Barbershop 2: The Return of Barbershop tomorrow (Friday) when it opens. We will be Fandangoing tix either tonight or tomorrow morning.

  21. thats what i thought at first, but then i thought the grand wizard was from some computer game. then i thought the name grand wizard would be funny for someone who had a dunce cap on. then i thought a dragon was more fierce than the wizard, but alas that might be from dungeons and dragons. lets ask someone who went to nerd camp.

  22. I want to go to Barbershop 2. Fandango me a ticket please. Do you remember what time I came home on those nights Zach?

  23. 4ygay: I already now you’re coming, courtesy of fuddruckus. Get offa by balls and outta my way, gaywad.

  24. Erin: No, i do not. Most of the time I was asleep. You were never home before 1am and never home after 3:30am.

  25. YES I promise to be there.

    Got me lookin so crazy, my baby
    I’m not myself lately; I’m foolish; I don’t do this.
    I been playin myself; baby, I don’t care.
    Cuz your love’s got the best of me.
    And baby you’re makin a fool of me.
    You got me sprung and I don’t care who sees
    Cuz baby you got me (you got me) you got me so crazy baby.

  26. The geeks and dorks at nerd camp are colour blind (and have asthma and weak little arms) and do not espouse racist ideas.

  27. Hey Old Man, I bet when Jen told you about this cool website she never mentions that Scientist drops the N bomb more than Dave Chappelle. By the way– Chappelle’s Show was awesome last night (The Three Daves).

  28. She mentioned something about homos… or homophobes. I forget which exactly, but she never said nothing bout no N bombs.

    She left Chappelle out entirely.

  29. Just bought my Vegas ticket. Here’s the straight dope:

    Leave San Jose 3/19 (fri) at 9:10pm and get into Vegas at 10:31pm.
    Leave Vegas 3/22 (mon) at 1:55pm and get into San Heezy at 3:18pm.

    Cost (including taxes, surcharges, et. al.): $177.70

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