It’s True, You Can’t Legislate Morality

My wife likes to think that in the confines of our home I can’t say what I feel about various people (including idiots) that I meet on a day to day basis. When she hits me (physical spousal abuse) or yells at me (verbal spousal abuse) I reply that she has no authority to legislate morality in the home.

Big ups to the Old Man for making that point for me.


I went to the herr doktor yesterday to get a physical. It was my first real physcial since I was in 7th or 8th grade, probably. I had the mandatory sports physical that you needed to play RUSD sports, but that didn’t include blood work or testicular fucking exams. So yesterday I go to get a physical, and after the exam was over and I was just standing around in my boxers, the doctor was like, “you know you’re overweight, right?” Well, I knew I was, but I never heard someone just come out and say it. I guess that’s what a doctor’s job is; he tells you when you start to resemble more a beanbag than a human. “Lay off the butter,” he tells me. “Try not to inhale Spicy Doritos,” says he. So I’m like, “how much should I weigh?” He says, “Well, what are you right now… 220? You should probably be around 165.” “Holy fuck,” I thought to myself. “Hmm,” I said aloud.

So according to Doctor, I should be weighing somewhere in the nighborhood of Wirkuswhazz, rather than in the neighborhood of Scientist’s torso.

It’s gonna be a long year.

–whazz on

33 thoughts on “It’s True, You Can’t Legislate Morality

  1. Shiiit. coming out of high school, I weighed 185. My in season college weight (best shape of my life) was 200-210. So here I am a Division IA College Athlete, weighing 210lbs, and that stupid chart says I should be 165.

    Doctors don’t know shit, except that Scientist torso is indeed fatt.

  2. pokah advice column:

    wirkus, do not play no limit. you will lose your mind.

    with a $35 bankroll, you should probably be playing .50-1, and buying in with $20 each time.

    once that is up to $200, then buy in for $40 each time at 1-2.

    do not play tourneys, do not play blackjack.

    in this learning phase you will begin to notice trends and how often players actually have you beat. how often your KK will win when there is an A on the flop. you will learn tricks such as betting at a 2s 3h 8c flop when you were the big blind in an unraised pot. you will also learn to recognize someone else doing some such nonsense and make them pay. after you get enough play experience, gradually move up the limits.

    POKERROOM DOES NOT CHEAT. don’t you realize they have NOTHING to gain by doing that, and everything to lose? just last night an A high flush got beat by a straight flush at my table. GMC lost when his boat got quaded. IT HAPPENS. bad beat stories are like assholes. they stink. move on.

  3. yesterday was good for me… i won $100 playing a no limit cash game getting my online account up to $300. then me and GMC went to bay 101 and i won $215 playing 3-6. sadly i staked the “best player in the house” and he couldn’t even beat the dirty asians and lost my money. say la veeee.

  4. oh, then the “thugg mansion poker tour” had a stop in our kitchen and i broke off GMC and zach for another $10. i am very much considering playing in a satellite on friday to get a seat on the world poker tour event at bay 101 this week. if i got on tv playing poker it would be the funniest thing you have ever seen. the main event is limited to 150, so getting to the final 10 would be cake.

    the satellite is a $100+20 with multiple rebuys. i would bring $240 and hope for the best. the buy in for the main event is like $5,000 or some craziness.

  5. madd scientist: damn phil ivy, why do they call you the tiger woods of poker? just cause you light skinnded and good at something
    phil: uh…
    MS: (cutting him off) that would be like calling me the rick james of poker. I’M RICK JAMES, BITCH!
    PI: wow.
    MS: yeah. wow. i raise 2 skrillion.
    PI: huh?
    MS: nigga, just fold.

  6. 1)herr doktor- very funny! but i gots to rewind past NEWTOPIC.NEWTOPIC.NEWTOPIC.NEWTOPIC.NEWTOPIC.NEWTOPIC sorry.

    2)ye old man says:

    “Fuck it, I say. I have a wife, but I think I’ll marry another. If I had a sister, I’d marry her. You want to stop me? Why, because of morality? Well you can’t control me with your repressive, rightwing, bourgeois standards. Then I’m going to snort tiger skins and elephant tusks. Endangered animals… bah, not to me. I see plenty of them in the zoo. Then I’m going to steal a tractor and drive the wrong way down a one way street. Property laws? Traffic regulations? I never agreed to them.”

    3) (item 3 in computer voice) old man’s demand that we blindly follow unjust laws is ill conceived and unfortunate.

    4)if president craptacular and his craptacular crew of repressive, rightwing, bourgeois bastards passes a law that says: ANYONE POSTING UNDER THE DUMB NAME “OLD MAN” SHALL BE IMPRISONED UNTIL… FUCK IT, IMPRISONED FOREVER. i’m not going to care. i’m not going to fight it. jen’s work will pile up and the bureaucracy will flood out onto the streets of madison… but hell, it’s a law. i mean, why don’t i just drive a tractor the wrong way down a one way street?

    5) holy crap it’s the Gobbler!!!

  7. ok, sorry old man- just touchy after the “riots” here. where’s our gov to defend his beloved cully-foi-nyuh?

  8. I get to have an IV full of pain killers and muscle relaxants put in me tomorrow so they can put a camera in my stomach and figure out why I don’t eat anymore.

    My mom’s response, why get it fixed, you look so skinny!

    I am going to kill myself.

  9. OMG it’s such a must see! I wish i lived in the gobbler. you got your quick highway access… stone archways… cement…

  10. jen has old man left work in a rage? is he headed to sf to put a hurt on old cla? wasn’t he in the army or something? or maybe i’m just reading into his octupus picture? as we all know the octopus is the strong arm of the ocean. squid, giant squid, giant octopus squid, all those guys.

  11. Sorry for the delay- work interupted my precious whazzing.

    Should all consenting adults be able to legally marry? Yes.
    Are all consenting adults able to legally marry? No.
    I do not espouse blindly following unjust laws, but one can not pick and choose which to follow. If you don’t like the law, change it. Get people elected who will write better laws. Get judges to overturn bad laws. Emigrate if you have to. Canadia is a nice place (except for all those Canadians, eh.) Don’t just say, “Well the rest of the country says [issue] is wrong, but I am the center of the universe and am going to do it anyway.” I wish this was Singapore. There wouldn’t be enough canes to whack all the people who need it.

  12. 1) SDS – if it makes you feel any better, my mother would say the exact same thing.

    2) Where’s your Mexico comment, Old Man?

  13. How about a Madlib?
    I want to [verb] a [noun]
    The law forbids a [noun] with a [noun]
    I don’t give a [participle] fuck, I’m going to [verb] anyway.

  14. Mexico’s a nice place, except everything is broken and the electricity doesn’t work, even at the Anthropology museum, which is why you have to get drunk in the afternoon all of the time. It’s Divalicious.

  15. well, i guess we’ll have to agree to disagree old man 😉 in other news, somebody stop sds from suicide… let’s make her a mcdonalds house kid and get one of those footballers to come to her bedside, give her a reason to go on… what about the fridge- somebody get the fridge on the horn.

  16. Mexican federal government warns visitors to their country that although they may obtain proper documentation from Servicios Migratorios, enforcement throughout Mexico is “inconsistent” and you may have to pay addition “fees” to local constables.

    Do we want to be like Mexico where a law is a law only if you have the wealth and power to back (or buck) it? We are headed that way.

  17. “hello sds, it’s nice to “have” you for dinner!hahhahahahhahahah!!!!! also, cal is my favorite whazzer” fridge out.”

  18. Everybody knows poor people are poor because they’re dirty and lazy. Of course we want a system where wealth and power buck the law. The law just gets in the way.

    I say: start early and intern for John Gard.

  19. Zach, that was an excellent post. I saw “legislate morality”, and I thought I was going to have to post a thread full of written spousal abuse, but then I started laughing out loud. You are so great. Also, I think you should give up swearing for lent.

  20. And because I never know when to stop-

    City and County of San Francisco two unmarried persons to marry (in violation of state law), but I want to marry my twin sisters, both of whom are over age 18. So I called (415) 554-4950, the San Francisco County Clerk, and asked if we could get married.
    “No.” they said after I explained my situation.
    “Why not?” I asked naively.
    “Because the law does not allow it.”
    Incised by their denial of my request, I sought an advocate. I contacted California Assembly Members Leno, Goldberg, Kehoe, Laird, and Lieber, sponsors of the “California Marriage License Nondiscrimination Act”. None would speak with me. Undeterred I sought further aid. I contacted MECA, the self proclaimed champions against ignorant and hateful traditional values.
    “Please help me.” I plead “The traditionalists oppose my right to marry whom I choose.”
    “Marriage is a basic human right and a personal choice.” said the nice lady at MECA. “The State should not interfere with same-gender couples who choose to marry and share fully and equally in the rights, responsibilities, and commitment of marriage.”
    “Well we are not exactly same gendered.” I replied. “I want to marry my twin sisters.”
    “You are a sick pervert!” and hung up.
    The same thing occurred when I contacted Equality California a group opposing discrimination in the Constitution. Unfortunately they only seem to fight discrimination against homosexual relationships, not bigamous incestuous relationships. And although the ACLU praised the granting of privileges to same-sex couples, they had the same reaction as the others when I posed my request.
    “Sorry, Sis and other Sis, I tried.”
    “But Lover” they echoed, “you have not called Les Jin,the Staff Director of the United States Commission on Civil Rights; you have his home number in your secret government file.”
    “How could I have forgotten… Les, it’s me. Yeah, how you doin’? And Flo? Unhu. Really? First in his class. Hey I have a question for you about marrying my twin sisters. Yeah that’s right, twin sisters. But the gays in California… Oh, the 14th Amendment doesn’t apply to me? That sucks.”

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