Vegas 2004: The Schlong Story

I wish I could meet the man who invented Caveman Keno… I want to know who he was. — Aaron O’Neil (21 Mar, 2004)

Vegas means many things to many people. To me it means three things: free liquor, gambling, and titties. — The Madd Scientist (12 Mar, 2003)

Free Liquor

There were three particular moments in Free Liquor History that shined this past weekend: The Penny Keno Runner, The Absent-While-We-Were-Being-Cleaned-Out Bellagio Girl, and The Lady Who Slept Behind A Dumpster And Used Me For A Free Drink. All in all a good time.

“The Penny Keno Runner”

As we all know, casinos love to give you free drinks if you’re gambling. It’s quite obvious that the drunker you are, the more coin you’ll drop in their establishment. When O’Neil discovered $0.01 Keno at Casino Royal we were excited merely because it gave us a cheap alternative to standing around while the others played blackjack. They were getting drinks and playing blackjack and we were standing around. We were somewhat surprised when a waitress came up and got us some drinks for playing Keno… Penny Keno. I was wholly shocked when the waitress turned out to be quite possibly the fastest waitress ever in casino history. She was HYPED to be running back and forth getting us vodka/tonics and beers while we blissfully flushed our $1 down the Keno Toilette. She approached us and handed me my drink. She asked Timmer if he wanted a beer since she had an extra one on her tray. He politely declined. “Are you sure? Sure? It’ll just go to waste,” she replied. In the end he took it. She came up when we were getting ready to leave and I was using my last $0.04 on a big run at a Keno jackpot and asked if I wanted another vodka. “Nah,” I said, “I’m out of money and we’re getting ready to head out.” “Hold on, I’ll get you one for the road. You can take it with you!” she said. In moments she was back with not one, but two drinks. Nice. I tipped her well and walked out of Casino Royale with two vodka & tonics.

“The Absent-While-We-Were-Being-Cleaned-Out Bellagio Girl”

We sat down at the Bellagio one evening to play some blackjack. As wirkuswhazz and I sat down to play at a $10 table, a waitress came up and asked for our orders. We ordered and proceeded to play. We were there for a good while; we did NOT lose all of our money in 10 minutes or anything. However, the lady never came back. The big joke between me, wirkuswhazz, and the dealer was “Will she get back before we go utterly broke?” The answer for Wirkuswhazz was “No”, while the answer for myself was “Just barely, yes.” She was wholly and utterly unimpressed with us. Shortly after this wirkusswhazz fell off the cliff into beligerent drunkeness and started screaming at me to quit playing blackjack and go see some titties with him.

“The Lady Who Slept Behind A Dumpster And Used Me For A Free Drink”

We got sick of losing all of our money within 5 minutes at the $15-minimum craps tables on the Strip, so on Sunday after the basketball game we headed down to Old Vegas to play some hot $3 craps action. Me and wwhazz were on one end of the table and O’Neil was at the other. After a while, I got to chatting with an older gentleman standing enxt to me who used to be a dealer, apparently. All of a sudden this crazy looking touristy lady slid between me and the older guy. She asked if she could “squeeze in and watch the game.” I said sure and slid my chips a bit closer together. She was basically being dumb and then the waitress came over to see if me and wwhazz wanted a drink. “Miller Lite,” I said. “Me too,” wwhazz said. “I’ll have one too,” said the crazy lady. … huh? Yes, the crazy lady cozied up to me long enough to get a beer. While the waitress was getting our beers, the following awesome conversation occured:

Crazy: “So how you doing, gambling?”
Moneypenny: “Eh, I’m pretty broke at this point.” (which I was)
Crazy: “You want broke?! My ex-husband took $40,000 and left me!! I’m stuck in Las Vegas!!”
Wirkus (pointing at Moneypenny): “Wait wait wait! HIS ex-husband took $40,000 from HIM and that’s WHY he’s broke!!!”
Moneypenny: “I KNOW! That bastard!”
**At this point our drinks arrived**
Crazy (not happy now): “Well, I been sleepin behind a dumpster for the last two weeks!! You boys have a good day! Good luck!”

…and with that she whisked herself off into the evening. God bless that crazy freak.

Gambling

There are now two rules to Las Vegas: “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas”, which you all know, and “Never Go To Vegas During Spring Break Week”, which you probably don’t know but should. It is the dumbest, dumbest, stupidest, most idiotic thing you could possibly do. You know all those fellas you see on Girls Gone Wild who stumble through the streets of South Padre Island, Daytona Beach, and New Orleans with 60 ounce tequila shooters in their hand? You’ve seen them? How would you like it if they were the ones sitting to your right at the blackjack table, using their (under even non-dead-drunk circumstances) rather unimpressive knowledge of math in general and math as it relates to blackjack odds in particular to decide whether you or the dealer bust or not. Well, friends, now imagine a city full of them. An entire city of “woooo!”s and “ahhhhhhh-waaaooooooooo!”s. Imagine, if you will, all the ladies and gentlemen who go to school on daddy’s dime file out of their digs in the Statesider and head on down to Vegas to stay in the Bellagio and ruin everyone’s time by playing blackjack in the dumbest way imaginable. Imagine a girl so incredibly stupid that when the DEALER says “Are you SURE you want to do that?”, she responds as she would if the Help at her daddy’s townhome asked her if she was SURE she wanted a bottle of Perrier instead of Dasani.

I lost big.

I (regretably) can’t blame the cast of Animal House and their dumb girlfriends for my losses at craps. That was more my incredible bad luck with the dice this weekend. It was absolutely horrible. I hit one point all weekend. All Weekend. In addition, for the vast majority of my stay within Nevada state limits, the craps tables on the Strip were at $25 (6pm-2am) or $15 (2am-6pm) minimum bets. If you’ve played craps, you’ll say “No shit!?” If you’ve never played craps you’ll sarcastically say “No shit.” That is expensive, my dear readers. What it also means is that if the table sucks, as 99% of the ones I stepped up to did, your $100-$200 will be gone far, far, far before the nice lady can get back with your $200 bottle of Miller Lite.

The nice part of the weekend, gambling-wise, was when we headed back down to Old Vegas. Ah yes, even if the Bellagio is having $100 minimum craps tables, you can still count on old Golden Gate Casino to have $3 craps. I love it there. I had many, many, many drinks (see above).

Titties

While I was playing blackjack at the Bellagio Wirkuswhazz was standing behind screaming: “STRIPPERS! STRIIIIIPPPPPPPERS!!!” The Easties sitting at the table with me were getting rather annoyed, so I finally said “Fine” and we were off to the Bellagio cabstand to catch a cab to Cheetahs Gentleman’s Club. Now, let me take a moment to sum up my opinion of strip clubs (and really any big spending) in Vegas:

If I take $X to Las Vegas with me, I would like nothing more than to come home with between $(X-100) and $(X+100). If I step off the plane and immediately make $500, I will endeavor to find fun ways to get rid of that money. I didn’t go to Vegas to pay for my car payments or my student loans. I did it to have a fucking good time. I WANT to give Vegas back her money. Conversely, if Vegas is jacking my skrill left and right at the gambling tables I am loath to go throw more money to the city that’s been sucking my money away all weekend. C’mon, I have a lovely wife. I don’t HAVE to go to a strip club. If I have excess money, however, and want to have a good time throwing lap dances at my boys it’s a good destination.

So, though I didn’t want to go give strippers money that I actually worked to earn, Wirkus was so goddamned beligerant at this point I said “OK.” There were interesting things that happened there but in the vein of WHIVSIV I will not reveal. No one wants to hear that shit anyways.

The one thing that I commented on twice this past weekend and that I’ll repeat here is still something that puzzles me. I don’t know if it was coincidence or what. Now, I understand why all the women who work or live in Vegas have enormous breasts. They do it to make a ton of dough from drunk idiots. What I didn’t (and still don’t) understand is why all of the women visitors (whether they were obvious tourists or obvious students on spring break) also had large mammaries. Not every single one, but a good majority of the women I saw just walking down the block had big boobs. I don’t understand it, but whatever, just had to throw that out there.

On Sunday, after Wirkus somehow, someway won money at Golden Gate Casino down in Old Vegas he treated me and ______ to lap dances and $10 Miller Lites at Glitter Gulch. It appeared that the majority of the advertised (out front) 14 girls on duty were somewhere other than the strip club (maybe cooking gumbo in back or fixing the sink in teh women’s bathroom). A stripper who was wholly and utterly uninterested in me gave me a half-hearted lap dance while trying to find someone else in the club she should be hitting up for money. After that was done, we left for greener pastures (i.e., our bomb-ass dinner at Delmonico’s in the Venetian).

It’s about time for Wirkus to tag in and handle everything I missed. Yo, dawg, elaborate a bit on “The Poker Tourney”, “Dinner at Delmonico’s”, “The Aladdin Buffet”, and maybe “The Almost Fight With The Drunkard When I Told Him How Expensive Beer Was”.

I might hop back in and throw some more if I remember it. Let’s hit the Summary: I had a great time with all the guys as usual, and had some delicious food, and had some ok times gambling. Next time I’ll definitely try to stay away from Spring Break weekends and/or NCAA Tourney weekends. Also, I don’t think anyone needs to stay in that city more than 48 hours. If you’re up after 48 hours, escape the city as fast as you can with your winnings. If you’re broke after 48, at least you won’t double your brokeness after another 36-48 hours.

Erin and I are very slightly contemplating going to Vegas for our anniversary. No gambling, just Bellagio hotel room, ROMANTIC AS HELL dinners, and maybe some shows. Perhaps I’ll get her to go to Cheetahs and get a lapdance…

–whazz on!

15 thoughts on “Vegas 2004: The Schlong Story

  1. i will wager a large sum that says if you go to vegas, you WILL gamble. even if it is one spin of roulette. you WILL gamble.

    that is all.

  2. i’m busy counting the $2,000 i didn’t lose, could you hold on a few minutes? thanks.

  3. More Vegas fun:

    You know, I never really recovered from the first night. I arrived at midnight, promptly went up 300$ , drunkenly lost 200$ playing No Looking at your card Hold ‘em, and then won the 200$ back playing BJ. Around 10:30 I crawled back to the room seeking asylum only to discover checkout time was 11:00 and we couldn’t check into the new room until 3:00.

    Some more fun:

    1. During peak hours (12-2am) we holed up in the room and played Hold ‘em tournaments. During which Timmer wore the costume of the pink pant he bought for Lynn (there is something terrifying about seeing Timmer in Pink…) alternated with his shorts pulled up Madd-ballhugger-style and I wore a sheet over my head Charlie Brown-ghost-style. Timmer was the big winner.
    A drunk man almost beat me up. I bought a 12 pack of Miller Light from Harrah’s gift shop one night. The cost? 25$. A mistake I asked? No. Anyway, later we passed the place and I told Moneypenny that that was where the magical 12ver came from. For some reason our conversation enraged a drunken frat boy. I don’t know why.

  4. you know there are other things to talk about in this world other than sex, gambling and booz. This site consists of idiotic bafoons who need life’s wild and fake pleasures to stay sane.YOU.ARE.ALL.BAFOONS.

  5. Thanks for an endorsement of my once-a-year lifestyle, lamo! I’ll take it as encouragement to do it twice a year! Cheers.

  6. DWeiss2112: You are such a dumb fucking wigger. You are a piece of shit. Be proud youre white you fucking nerd. get off the messager board and lose some weight too you fat fuck
    madd scieezer: hi
    madd scieezer: i love twinkies.
    madd scieezer: mmmm.
    madd scieezer: they are white.
    madd scieezer: i love white things.
    DWeiss2112: I know you do you fat fuck
    DWeiss2112: you better
    madd scieezer: a big white dick in my mouth is great.
    madd scieezer: on a sunday especially
    madd scieezer: cause then God is mad
    madd scieezer: God is funny.
    DWeiss2112: Yeah he is funny. Hes got a sense of humor to give you a face like that
    madd scieezer: God fucks jew sometimes to make demon spawn.
    madd scieezer: God told me to hate niggers, and that’s why he made them so dumb.
    madd scieezer: but still let them run fast and jump high
    madd scieezer: silly God.
    DWeiss2112: Now youre on the right track
    madd scieezer: trix are for white people.
    DWeiss2112: No money is
    DWeiss2112: jail is for niggers
    madd scieezer: they gave your ass jail?
    madd scieezer: hey, darky, mind leaving me alone for a bit.
    DWeiss2112: do i seem like a nigger you dumb wigger
    madd scieezer: i got a white bitch here
    DWeiss2112: You arent white you piece of shit
    madd scieezer: i’m tearin this shit up, hear that?
    madd scieezer: HOLLA
    DWeiss2112: You talk like a nigger
    DWeiss2112: act like one
    madd scieezer: i fuck like a nigger
    DWeiss2112: You arent tearing up shit you fuck
    DWeiss2112: Niggers are better then you?
    DWeiss2112: thats sad you feel like that
    madd scieezer: sorry… its just like.
    madd scieezer: you know.
    DWeiss2112: nop
    DWeiss2112: e
    madd scieezer: being beat up for being cuban is hard.
    madd scieezer: especially on me. you know?
    madd scieezer: god damn it. i’m cuban.
    madd scieezer: and prowd.
    madd scieezer: proud even.
    madd scieezer: THAT PROWD
    DWeiss2112: yeah i know how that is. What does a cuban do when they get a flat tire
    madd scieezer: my people are special
    DWeiss2112: DROWN
    madd scieezer: my mom died like that.
    DWeiss2112: good
    madd scieezer: she was only 7.
    DWeiss2112: one less welfare check
    madd scieezer: i was 4
    DWeiss2112: I believe it
    madd scieezer: it was my favorite tire
    madd scieezer: i stole it from a nigger.
    DWeiss2112: all your people are good for is picking strawberies
    madd scieezer: actually i’m scandinavian.
    madd scieezer: RAR!
    madd scieezer: tootles, nigger.
    DWeiss2112: as long as youre white, act like it
    DWeiss2112: nigger
    madd scieezer: ever eat dog ass?
    madd scieezer: i’m thinking about it.
    DWeiss2112: no, ive never touched your mother
    madd scieezer: i’ve heard things… you know?
    DWeiss2112: sure. your dads got a loud mouth
    madd scieezer: my mom died in cuban asshole.
    madd scieezer: show respect.
    DWeiss2112: Did she really?
    madd scieezer: yeah.
    madd scieezer: yeah she did.
    DWeiss2112: then i apologize
    madd scieezer: you want to die tonight?
    DWeiss2112: Yeah I do bitch
    DWeiss2112: kill me nigger
    madd scieezer: i got niggers all over that are DYING to kill people tonight.
    madd scieezer: all my ass gotta do is make a call
    DWeiss2112: COME KILL ME THEN NIGGER

    madd scieezer: DO YOU WANT TO DIE WHITE BITCH?
    DWeiss2112: KILL ME YOU FUCKING BEANER

    DWeiss2112: FUCK YOUR MOTHER
    madd scieezer: I WILL END YOUR SORRY MACARONI AND CHEESE EATIN ASS
    DWeiss2112: DEAD BIUTCH

    madd scieezer: i don’t like this.
    madd scieezer: i’m sorry.
    DWeiss2112: I dont like you
    madd scieezer: i was just joking…
    madd scieezer: NOT REALLY, DIE BITCH

    madd scieezer: HAHA, GOT YOU, YOU’RE DEAD
    DWeiss2112: YOU DIE CUNT
    DWeiss2112: GET ME
    madd scieezer: YOU CANT TALK, YOU ARE DEAD
    madd scieezer: HAHAHA
    madd scieezer: I WIN
    DWeiss2112: COME GET ME
    madd scieezer: YOU ARE DEAD
    madd scieezer: YOU CANT TALK
    madd scieezer: I KILLED YOU
    madd scieezer: HAHAHA
    DWeiss2112: I am not dead. i am still alive
    madd scieezer: DEAD

    madd scieezer: DEAD
    madd scieezer: I KILLED YOU
    madd scieezer: HA HA
    DWeiss2112: How old R U?
    madd scieezer: YOU ARE DUMB
    DWeiss2112: The last message was not sent because you are over the rate limit. Please wait until sending is re-enabled and send the message again.

    madd scieezer: I WON
    madd scieezer: JUST ADMIT IT.
    DWeiss2112: no really. age/
    DWeiss2112: i will after you tell me your age
    madd scieezer: since my mom died in cuba, i’ve never been told my real age.
    madd scieezer: it is depressing.
    madd scieezer: today might be my birthday, and i’m spending it alone.
    DWeiss2112: well, count the fat rings around your stomach
    DWeiss2112: according to them you should be about 196
    madd scieezer: those are stretch marks… my age marks are around my large black cock.
    madd scieezer: 196 is not a funny number.
    DWeiss2112: yeah? well negros suck. yeah it is
    madd scieezer: i would have recommended 187, or 350.
    DWeiss2112: 196 rolls off the tounge
    DWeiss2112: like your mommas tit
    madd scieezer: SOMETIMES I KILL PEOPLE
    madd scieezer: LET ME TOUCH YOUR BALLS
    DWeiss2112: kill me then
    madd scieezer: nope.
    DWeiss2112: i want to di
    madd scieezer: OK, YOU’RE DEAD!
    DWeiss2112: e
    madd scieezer: HAHA
    madd scieezer: I WON AGAIN!
    madd scieezer: YOU FELL FOR THE TRAP!
    madd scieezer: YOU CANT TALK
    madd scieezer: HAHA
    DWeiss2112: so wheres this girl you are talking about?
    madd scieezer: DEAD!
    madd scieezer: BOOM
    madd scieezer: BOO YAH!
    madd scieezer: I WIN, CHICKEN BOO YAH
    DWeiss2112: i thought you had a woman there
    madd scieezer: CHICKEN OF THE BOO YAH TYPE
    DWeiss2112: isnt she missing your little wiener?
    madd scieezer: AHHAAHAHAHA seriously.
    madd scieezer: you’re dead
    madd scieezer: shut up.
    madd scieezer: hey dude, rub your balls.
    madd scieezer: isn’t that fun.
    DWeiss2112: no really. youre still a virgin huh?
    DWeiss2112: yeah
    DWeiss2112: it is
    madd scieezer: does this count as sex?
    DWeiss2112: rubbing my balls? No, but it would make me nut on your face
    madd scieezer: ok, i have to go.
    madd scieezer: HOLLA!

  7. 1. Dude. I totally wasn’t fake posting as “lamo”. I am utterly entertained by your drunko Vegas antics, laughing aloud at the “cast of Animal House” and “strippers cooking gumbo” comments.

    2. I totally can’t wait for Paul’s wedding. I have my whole weekend of outfits already picked out, except for shoes for the wedding, which I haven’t found yet.

    3. Whazz on.

  8. i’d like everybody to reflect on there cherished life as we celebrate the life of Eric ‘Eazy-E’ Wright. its been 9 years since his passing and he is still touching people’s mind, body, and soul to this day. perhaps you can take a minute out of your day and share your most touching memory of Eazy mutha fuckin E…9/7/63-3/26/95.

    God bless you.

  9. i think we did this last year. good work thizzelle keeping eazy’s memory alive. i remember when dre and easy were on the outs and dre picked up snoop and they made easy look like a fool. then eazy came back but sadly it paled in comparison. one of easy’s snoop disses:

    “you’re only 90 pounds when you’re wet and wearing boots.”

    he was lashing out wildly at that point so late in the game. anyway i’ll pour out a little of my old e tonight for eazy, and remember the good old days:

    I gotta get drunk, before the day begins,
    Before my mom starts bitchin’ about my friends.

    we love you easy!

  10. cla strikes again w/ a stunning post. good show chap. i must admit, i did not see that coming from you.

    i do believe mr. jenh was taking a shot at me due to the fact i have yet to smackdown my vote & register. john kerry sucks ballz.

    RIP Eazy E

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