The Weekend

Before we get going with the weekend post, I’d just like to link everyone to the trailer for Michael Moore’s new movie Fahrenheit 9/11, which should be coming out this summer. While I’ve never been a fanatic for his work, this is one movie that I will definitely be seeing.

We had a good weekend at Thugg Mansion, replete with Madd-bashing, poker playing, and loving and hugging. Thursday night Madd’s friends from Wisco flew into town. Friday night we started off by having a nice dinner at The Olive Garden and ended up at the ALL-NEW Cosmic Bowling with an angry high school gentleman. Saturday was a wonderful day of magic, whimsy, and a fucking kid that kept steeping on my feet as we went to view Harry Potter and the Magical Ability To Enter Puberty. Finally, on Sunday the wife and I went on a (practically) all-day golfing adventure wherein I lost the most balls ever on a per-hole average.

Thursday

On Thursday Madd’s former college roommates/friends flew into SFO for the weekend. Jay and Shlarb are good sons-a-bitches in my view, as they spent the vast majority of their time in sunny California zinging the Scientist for being fat and/or lazy, but mostly fat. From what I hear, they went out in San Jose on Thursday night to Bar & Grill, Cinnabar, and Mission. Little of note happened with the exception of Jay being fascinated with the number of hot, hot Latina women getting drunk in San Jose.

Friday

On Friday I came home to find our guests floating in the pool. A little while later we started a poker game, during which I drank some beers. When Erin got home we decided to go to Olive Garden for dinner. We got there and had some Sangria, and before I knew it, oops, I was regaling her with stories about how strip clubs work. Never mind the fact that there were tables of children all around us; I was more interested in explaining why I hate full-nude strip clubs because I don’t need to see cooters in my face. Erin mistook my “cooter” reference for “ass” and Benny Hill-like hilarity ensued. Up until this point we were supposed to go bowling with GMC(X) later that night. I was pretty drunko when we got home, and so the next natural course of action (after the marital relations) was to go bowling and drink a whole lot more.

We got to the bowling alley and it was far too early for us to get in on the Cosmic Bowling action, so we went to the bowling alley bar and got some drinks. I drunkenly won a game of pinball against GMC, and then drunkenly won a game of darts against Rock Chalk AND GMC (I won the darts by hitting a double-bulls eye for the win, by the way). For some reason there was a large group of young drunkards in the bar who were also obviously waiting for Cosmic Bowling to begin. They started playing loud country music on the jukebox, at which point I turned to GMC and said, “Huh, didn’t know there were hillbillies in Silicon Valley.” GMC responded, “Yep.” Rock Chalk made a “My-Ears-Are-Hurting” gesture, and luckily at that point it was time to go rent a lane so we could bowl.

It was requested that I add the following disclaimer 🙂

Grand Masta Caspa says “my only addition to the above bowling story is that if your going to include your winning at pinball and darts, you have to include my wins (all three games) of bowling. Now I’m happy. If I was really gay I’d put a smily face at the end of that sentence.

Bowling went quite okay except that I drank a bunch and by the end couldn’t bowl too well. It was a hilarious time had by all, up until it was time to leave. See, at this particular bowling alley in order to rent shoes you must give the person at the shoe counter one of YOUR shoes. I suppose this prevents the ol’ Rent-Bowling-Shoes-And-Leave-With-Em-Because-They’re-So-Damn-Fashionable Trick, which I have never seen pulled off successfully in my 25 years on this Earth. Well, the ever-present counter to the above offense is the Take-One-Of-Your-Shoes-In-Exchange-And-Lose-It Reversal, which, up until that point in the night, was going swimmingly for the bowling alley. So now there’s a very insignificant looking drunk fellow yelling at the poor bowling alley attendant for losing his other shoe. So let’s summarize:

  1. Give bowling alley one (1) of your shoes.
  2. Receive a pair of bowling shoes in return.
  3. Bowl.
  4. Return a pair of bowling shoes.
  5. Receive one (1) of your shoes in return.
  6. Apparently, scream at attendant because you did not receive two (2) shoes in return.

So now the kid is yelling and screaming about his lost shoe and his apparent refusal to “just walk home without any fucking shoes” which as we all know is ridiculous because he in fact received at least one of shoes. I turned to GMC and asked if now was the right time to beat ass. He shook his head “no”.

Minutes later the alley janitor-slash-maintenance man found the kid’s other shoe, which was happily sitting under the seat over by the alley where the fucking retard had placed it. He mumbled something and left to go, I dunno, probably drag race and smoke pot in his mom’s basement or something. We went on our merry way and slept soundly when we returned home.

Saturday

Saturday marked a delightful day of cleaning up from the night before and doing laundry at our house. I had also Fandango’d some tickets for me and the lovely wife to go see Harry Potter and The Curse of Puberty movie which came out on Friday. Once the cleaning was done we got all gussied up and headed for nice Saturday matinee. Oh yeah, and because I’m quite possibly the dumbest guy on earth we were accompanied by 200,000,000 children between the ages 8 and 12. Awesome. The movie wasn’t that bad, though Rock Chalk found numerous inconsistencies between the movie and the book. I wouldn’t know, honey, but I’m sure your criticisms are valid and good. When we got back home afterwards we ordered a pizza and the gentlemen and myself played some more poker while Erin went to the office to get some work done. All the guys had plans to go out in San Jose on Saturday night, but Erin and myself just wanted to stay in and watch some good ol’ Family Guy on DVD. We ended up going to be early (by our standards) and so I wasn’t up when all the hoolygans got home from drinking. Below I’ve left a space should GMX or Scientist wish to discuss the happenings of Saturday. If they don’t, then it will be a mystery for all time.

GMX’s or Madd Scientist’s Account Of Saturday To Go Here, Should They Feel Like It

Sunday

To continue our weekend of loving and hugging and closeness, Rock Chalk and I went out for a nice breakfast at Hobee’s where she attempted to get me (many times, in fact) to agree to have a baby. Apparently she had had a dream the night before about being pregnant and was therefore all “mommied-up” and wanted to get knocked up herself. I took the road less traveled and responded “no”. Also, I got to describe my dream to her from the night before wherein I got into a fight at a mysterious party. The fight ended with me putting the other guy in an arm bar while Casperson looked on approvingly. Bottom line: Rock Chalk wants babies now, zachery wants babies in the future.

Golf was… interesting. I honestly played the worst game of the year for myself. I lost 7 balls on the back nine alone. It was just bad. BAD. Rock Chalk got frustrated quite a bit, which I was not so good at handling due mainly to my own struggles. I was relieved to finally walk off the 18th green. I think that next time I’ll either just play 9 holes with her or play a nice Par 3 course. The funny thing was, I started off good and went completely to shit on the 10th hole and beyond while Rock Chalk started off not so good but was really striking the ball well towards the end. Anyways, most of our day was soaked up by golf. By the time we got home RC had to go into the office for a while and we played some more poker. Then Scientist took one of our guests to the aeropuerto and I entered a $5 multi-table tournament. First place was $431 and there were 378 people entered. I was at 28th place with 85 people left when my AK got cracked by KT with a king on the flop and a ten on the river. I was not happy. The opposite of happy. “Pissed the fuck off” is the correct term. GMC told me I was going to have a heart attack someday if I didn’t calm down. Oh well.

–whazz on

46 thoughts on “The Weekend

  1. How much is it to paintball? I need to know – I have another possible participant.

  2. 1. You two make marriage sound like lots of fun. Cut it out and make me some babies. I ain’t got no one calling me Auntie Jen except Ginger, Alona’s cat (which was mistaken for a raccoon, or possibly a badger this weekend – long story).

    2. I’ve got this boy sweatin’ me, and we spent almost the whole weekend together. The high point was when we drove down to Clinton, Wisconsin to attend a redneck college graduation party held at the family’s limestone quarry. This is the conversation before we got out of the car as we beheld the man made “volcano” constructed from quarry stones next to the 15 foot tall bonfire that eerily looked like a burning altar.
    Justin: Don’t you dare let these crackers string me up.
    Jen: We’re in this together; you’re a black man and I’m a Democrat – do you really think either of us is safe here?
    Later in the night, however, I did concede, somewhat drunk and stoned, that the party really DID make me wish I had my very own rock quarry.

    3. Tonight is Tammy and Alona’s softball game. I’m going to go to eat beef jerky, drink Miller Lite out of plastic bottles and cheer on the gays. This isn’t just any softball league, however: it’s the Madison gay softball league. Teams are assigned a color and then they pick a team name. Team names include: Blue Crush, Little Red Riding Hoods (Tammy and Alona’s team), Violet Femmes, Yellow Brick Roadkill, and my personal favorite, the Green Gay Packers.
    Tammy is the pitcher, so everytime she is ready to strike someone out I’m going to yell out “TAMMY – GIVE ‘EM THE SHOCKER” accompanied by a vulgar gesture. Use your imagination and think about lesbians. You’re welcome.

  3. I actually have to talk to you about that too. The short version is that if we plan on going 2 or more times, it is cheaper to buy the gear than rent it. Example: if you own your gun and gear the cost of a box of paint (1200 rounds, which is enough for 3 people) is $60. If you rent it is $120. Judd and Matt are going to a store on Wednesday to buy gear. Judd estimated that for one person to go and rent all the stuff plus paint it will cost $60-$70 (if I’m wrong, Judd, correct me).

  4. Oops, one more thing. Rock Chalk, see if you can hack into whazzmaster again. I think I fixed it but I want you to test it out.

  5. You mean you seriously don’t want ownership of a paintball gun? That’s CRA-ZEEEEEEEE.

  6. 1. That was mean.

    2. No she won’t because you don’t have a paintball gun with which you can put it there. I’m not sure I want any “paintball gear” in the house when Scientist and Casperson decide to get high.

  7. 1. I thought it would be funny. I apologize if any real intent to “ass-paint” anyone was construed.
    2. That’s very strange you say that, because Scientist regularly leaves REAL GUNS with REAL BULLETS lying around on his bedroom floor, and so far (miraculously) no catastrophes have occured. But I understand your point.
    3. I can buy a rubbermaid tub and lock the gear in there when its not in use if that would be ok.

    Do you still want to go paintballing, sweetie?

  8. I do not want to buy gear or guns. I want to go, but are we saying it costs $120 each to rent stuff, and then we have to pay to play as well? I know where the scientist leaves his guns, thank you.

  9. No, what I’m saying is that it costs $120 for paint if we rent and $60 if we buy our own stuff. Therefore, taking the price of of the gear into account, if we plan to go more than twice, ever, then its cheaper to buy than to rent, even if we just throw away the guns after those two times.

  10. Aww, thanks honey. Wait, why are you still at work, honey? Shouldn’t you be off advocating Herb Kohl somewhere, honey?

    Also, are you buying the BillClinton book, Jen? I think I’ll preorder mine this week from amazon.

  11. I updated the Bellman Profile page to include pictures with the names. Everyone: go update your pictures!

  12. Buy your own marker. It’s cheaper if you go more than a few times, and you can use better paint. The best part is having your own mask. Seeing clearly, you rain chaos on the chumps peering through the scrathced, foggy lenses of the rented gear.

  13. my only addition to the above bowling story is that if your going to include your winning at pinball and darts, you have to include my wins (all three games) of bowling. Now I’m happy. If I was really gay I’d put a smily face at the end of that sentence.

  14. Holy shit, J-Lo just got married again. Can’t that crazy bitch go 12 hours without a wedding ring on her finger?

  15. I had to wake up early this morning, because I lost a bet with Heather, and I had to buy doughnuts for Heather, Josh, and the GSO accounting staff. I had to be at Heather’s place by 7:00 this morning. At first, I was pissed because that meant I had to wake up super early, and as we all know, I am not the most friendly morning person (Remember this? Ok, I’m going to stay up until 2:00, but if you wake me before noon, I’ll kill you). BUT, now that I’m at work, I’ve had a pretty productive morning so far. I balanced my checkbook, took a look at upcoming bills online and even completed my expense report for this month. (Heather, was the bet just for picking up the doughnuts, or was it for paying for them too? More clearly: can I run these doughnuts through to GSO or not?) What are people’s feelings on getting to work early? Also, will I crash and burn by lunch and be in dire need of a caffeine fix?

  16. 1. I am very productive when I get to work before 8:30am. Unfortunately that happens about twice a year.
    2. Jen, see above. You buying the B Clinton book on June 22?
    3. I’m playing softball tonight (if they get enough players, they only have 4 right now and need 8).

  17. 1. I’m not sure; probably. When I saw Clinton speak a couple of years ago I cried when he was like, “every person in this room should have the right and opportunity to send their children to college; even the people serving the food.”

    2. I would have posted earlier, but gay softball was a little off the chain last night. I was a half an hour late, because I was on the phone to Doug, my gay soulmate, who early terminated from teh Peace Corps. His reason? Mali PC got a new director who was rumored to make volunteers actually work, and not just sit around drinking tea with their “families” in the 120 degree heat or jetting off to Senegal for a vacay (which Doug describes as “in comparison to Mali, Senegal is like Disneyworld”), so he met with the new director and was like, “this isn’t going to work out for anyone. can I go home?” So they sent him back. Anyway, we (Justin and I) get to the softball game about a half an hour late and stroll up with our requisite sixer of Miller Lite in plastic bottles, only to find that Tammy (Alona’s wife) had injured her knee somehow and couldn’t even walk. I was like, “This is why I don’t play team sports.” Instead of going to the ER, Justin picked her up, put her in her car and we all drove off to the Shamrock; this boy is so crazy. He was totally down to go to the gay bars because, as he puts it, “even dirty water is delicious in the desert.”
    About 5 beers and a shot of tequila later I was grinding with two gay men to Donna Summer’s “Hot Stuff”. The downside? I wasn’t even hungover, and I overslept and was 2 hours late to work.
    Fuck.

  18. 1. What! Surely not poor, stupid children?
    2. Dirty water is an abomination in the eyes of the lord. In Jesus’ name we pray for you.
    3. Bush – Voldemort 2004

  19. how delightfully condencending…

    “every person in this room should have the right and opportunity to send their children to college; even the people serving the food.”

  20. I’ll do one better than Bill Clinton. Vote for me and even the dirty, dirty children of dishwashers will be allowed to attend tech school, but only at night.

  21. the government studies say that americans are lazy. i think the government employees ruin that curve for the rest of the hard working americans.

  22. Hi Guys!

    Mitch Hedberg is going to be at the Improv from June 24 through June 27. Anybody want to go? Zach and I are going to go.

  23. 1. 17 innings + the win = best value for Brewers fans
    2. Bradshaw + Crazy Nazi antics = hilarity for all who now know he has been fired from CNBC.

  24. The only day we definitely cannot go is Friday, June 25th, because we’re going to the Giants v. A’s game that night.

  25. Q: would you like to know how to look retarded?
    A: tell jenh jokes at a party.

    hehehaha jen’s a hoho

  26. Gawd damn!

    That Brewer game yesterday was something else. Cal, did you see it. Nine innings of near perfect pitching by Sheets, and then seven bonus innings. Wow wow wow.

    And why the hell did Vlad even swing at the pitch that yielded the only hit sheets gave up? The damn thing was at toes… fucker.

    Anyway, Brewers are making me very happy this year.

    Poker news, went out 71st in the Guranteed last night. JJ beat by an asshole with a6suited. He made made his flush on the river with this board 998 8 4. Needless to say, a depressing way to end an otherwise happy day of poker. Madd, you playing tonight?

    Blah, balh did blueeeeeeeee…

    ps where the hell is scott?

  27. whazz whzz whazz! it’s cal! yeah i saw brewer game- i have escobar on fantasy team (The Cougars!)

    wish i had sheets! go sheets! go brewers! go cougaars!

    Cougars OUt!

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