This Story Gives Me The “Dry Heaves”

The story of Terror In The Skies, Again has been circulating around the ol’ interweb for a week or so now and I’ve been complacent to read it and say to myself, “This is one dumb broad.” However, an article today just catapulted the whole non-story into the retarded stratosphere.

Short Story Long: Heretofore unknown crazy Annie Jacobsen takes flight from Detroit to LA. On said flight were 14 Syrian musicians. Annie spends several thousands words in her first article describing the sheer terror of being on a plane with men who may look like the ones that perpetrated 9/11. There are lots of over-the-top ridiculous parts of the original story. Here’s one of the best:

When I returned to my seat I was unable to assure my husband that all was well. My husband immediately walked to the first class section to talk with the flight attendant. “I might be overreacting, but I’ve been watching some really suspicious things…” Before he could finish his statement, the flight attendant pulled him into the galley. In a quiet voice she explained that they were all concerned about what was going on. The captain was aware. The flight attendants were passing notes to each other. She said that there were people on board “higher up than you and me watching the men.” My husband returned to his seat and relayed this information to me. He was feeling slightly better. I was feeling much worse. We were now two hours into a four-and-a-half hour flight.

Approximately 10 minutes later, that same flight attendant came by with the drinks cart. She leaned over and quietly told my husband there were federal air marshals sitting all around us. She asked him not to tell anyone and explained that she could be in trouble for giving out that information. She then continued serving drinks.

About 20 minutes later the same flight attendant returned. Leaning over and whispering, she asked my husband to write a description of the yellow-shirted man sitting across from us. She explained it would look too suspicious if she wrote the information. She asked my husband to slip the note to her when he was done.

So, according to the crazy, the flight attendants were all concerned, the pilots were fearing for their lives, up was down, right was backwards, and Droopy Dog was just elected President of the Elks Club. .. but thank god the drinks were all still served.

So now they land in LA with no visible parts of the plane blasted to pieces by the musician’s rockin music. The men are questioned and let go. Crazy goes on to submit a report of her harrowing tale to WomensWallStreet.com. So now the whole world goes nuts and right-wing commentators predictably blast the TSA for allowing the musicians on the plane (something to do with not having the correct Parental Advisory stickers or whatnot). Annie goes on various Fox News shows to demand some accountancy by the government. Keep her safe when she’s in the sky, goddammit. Upon reflection, Annie decides that thousands of words don’t quite do her harrowing journey justice. So she goes back and pens thousands more words in a follow-up article called Part II: Terror In The Skies, Again. Now that right there demands explanation. Am I watching some Jerry Zucker movie about Terror in the Skies? Is Leslie Nielsen going to turn out to be the evil mastermind of the plot to play some music at a Southern California hotel and casino?

In her ruminations on her recent fame, Annie decides two main things:

  1. These men were not musicians. They were on a “dry run” for a real terrorist attack.
  2. Political correctness has surely gone too far when we let 14 Middle Eastern men fly mostly unmolested from the midwest to one of the coasts.

My initial response: lady you are dumb. My new response: HAHAHAHAHA, you gotta read this article which is a follow up on the story. The best parts, previously excerpted by Atrios:

Undercover federal air marshals on board a June 29 Northwest airlines flight from Detroit to LAX identified themselves after a passenger, “overreacted,” to a group of middle-eastern men on board, federal officials and sources have told KFI NEWS.

The passenger, later identified as Annie Jacobsen, was in danger of panicking other passengers and creating a larger problem on the plane, according to a source close to the secretive federal protective service.

Jacobsen, a self-described freelance writer, has published two stories about her experience at womenswallstreet.com, a business advice web site designed for women.

“The lady was overreacting,” said the source. “A flight attendant was told to tell the passenger to calm down; that there were air marshals on the plane.”

The source said the air marshals on the flight were partially concerned Jacobsen’s actions could have been an effort by terrorists or attackers to create a disturbance on the plane to force the agents to identify themselves.

Air marshals’ only tactical advantage on a flight is their anonymity, the source said, and Jacobsen could have put the entire flight in danger.

“They have to be very cognizant of their surroundings,” spokesman Adams confirmed, “to make sure it isn’t a ruse to try and pull them out of their cover.”

Hohohoho. I’m wiping a small tear from the corner of my eye.

OK, so apparently Annie overreacted. That’s what crazies due, typically when leprechaun’s are stealing their underwear or unicorns are being slaughtered by the US Government. But, as I noted above, she had written a follow-up article where she unleashes the “dry run” scenario and decries the political correctness wherein we didn’t strip search these men every time their mustaches twitched. So I was also particularly interested in these aspects of today’s article:

Federal agents later verified the musicians’ story.

“We followed up with the casino,” Adams said. A supervisor verified they were playing a concert. A second federal law enforcement source said the concert itself was monitored by an agent.

“We also went to the hotel, determined they had checked into the hotel,” Adams said. Each of the men were checked through a series of databases and watch-lists with negative results, he said.

So you’re telling me that not only are we know fully convinced that the men are actually musicians, but we tailed them to the hotel and ensured that “burning the place down” actually meant they were gonna shred and wail on their guitars until long into the evening? Doesn’t that mean that both of your problems are solved, Annie? No “dry run”, and we did our best to hound them from the airport all the way to their destination until we found that out? Is there anything else you’d like to do? We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity, perhaps? Huh Annie? Huh?

Goddammit do these retards piss me off.

One thought on “This Story Gives Me The “Dry Heaves”

Comments are closed.