It was with great sorrow that I realized the state of the universe last night as the last of the 86 minutes of Mr. 3000 were winding down. The Great Truth is this: Even in a fictional tale, the Brewers cannot win. I fondly remember growing up watching baseball movies wherein the hard-luck Cleveland Indians went from the cellar to winning the pennant (Major League). Those scrappy Cubs in Rookie of the Year went the distance (and those are the freaking Cubs!). In Mr. 3000, however, we are treated to a team whose sole asperation as the season winds down is to win their last 7 of 11 games in order to climb from 5th to 3rd place in their division. Well whoopty fucking doo. Huzzah!
When I saw previews for this movie, I was ecstatic. My thought patterns went something like this: I love the Brewers, I love Bernie Mac, I will ove this movie. Everything was going great in the first couple minutes of the movie, then it fell to shit. Mac plays Stan Ross, who got his 3,000th hit in 1995 and promptly quit the Brewers (while they were in a pennant race) to sit back and wait until he was inducted into the Hall of Fame. Never mind the fact that when Brewers retire (which doesn’t happen period; they just switch teams and go retire somewhere else) they typically don’t hang around Milwaukee and open up strip malls. To me, entirely too much time was spent exploring Stan Ross’s love interest and egotistical tendencies. We didn’t spend 80% of Major League delving into why Charlie Sheen’s character was a punk. We watched them play baseball. I wish they would have showed us more of the team interaction. More ‘Rocky’ scenes of the players improving their teamwork and crap like that. It’s what sports movies are all about.
Now, one thing that may not gain me any love on this site is this opinion: there was too much Milwaukee Brewers in that damn movie. I like to think that the conversation went something like this:
Hollywood: “Hey Brewers, we’d like to use you in a movie where a baseball team sucks balls.”
Brewers: “OK, but you have to show our logo every 12 seconds.”
Brewers: “And WTMJ gets multiple cameos.”
Hollywood: “Fine, but we get to use the racing sausage with a shit-eating grin as comic relief.”
Brewers (counting money): “fine. whatever.”
In the movie, there’s an outfielder who leads the majors in home runs with 48. Holy hell I wish the real Brewers had someone like that. But as we all know, he’d be traded to the Yankees/Braves/Red Sox before the season was out.
I liked how they tried to capture Milwaukee, what with all the Channel 12 and WTMJ microphones at the press conferences. Indeed, to those who’ve never visited Milwaukee, it must consist entirely of snarky men in giant hot dog costumes, and idiotic fans. Speaking of the fans, we watched intently to see if we could spot Wirkus, Ewaz, Bellgirl, Brian, or Katie. Alas, not only did we not see them but the camera never even came close to being pointed at the section they were sitting in. Perhaps when the DVD comes out we’ll be able to frame-by-frame that shit and get a screen capture of Wirkus jerking off into Brian’s cupped palm.
Overall, I don’t think the time I spent in that theater was worth my money. If you really like the Brewers you may want to go see it, but you can get the sameeffect by just watching a Brewers game on Fox Sports Net.