Mr. 3000

It was with great sorrow that I realized the state of the universe last night as the last of the 86 minutes of Mr. 3000 were winding down. The Great Truth is this: Even in a fictional tale, the Brewers cannot win. I fondly remember growing up watching baseball movies wherein the hard-luck Cleveland Indians went from the cellar to winning the pennant (Major League). Those scrappy Cubs in Rookie of the Year went the distance (and those are the freaking Cubs!). In Mr. 3000, however, we are treated to a team whose sole asperation as the season winds down is to win their last 7 of 11 games in order to climb from 5th to 3rd place in their division. Well whoopty fucking doo. Huzzah!

When I saw previews for this movie, I was ecstatic. My thought patterns went something like this: I love the Brewers, I love Bernie Mac, I will ove this movie. Everything was going great in the first couple minutes of the movie, then it fell to shit. Mac plays Stan Ross, who got his 3,000th hit in 1995 and promptly quit the Brewers (while they were in a pennant race) to sit back and wait until he was inducted into the Hall of Fame. Never mind the fact that when Brewers retire (which doesn’t happen period; they just switch teams and go retire somewhere else) they typically don’t hang around Milwaukee and open up strip malls. To me, entirely too much time was spent exploring Stan Ross’s love interest and egotistical tendencies. We didn’t spend 80% of Major League delving into why Charlie Sheen’s character was a punk. We watched them play baseball. I wish they would have showed us more of the team interaction. More ‘Rocky’ scenes of the players improving their teamwork and crap like that. It’s what sports movies are all about.

Now, one thing that may not gain me any love on this site is this opinion: there was too much Milwaukee Brewers in that damn movie. I like to think that the conversation went something like this:

Hollywood: “Hey Brewers, we’d like to use you in a movie where a baseball team sucks balls.”
Brewers: “OK, but you have to show our logo every 12 seconds.”
Hollywood: …
Brewers: “And WTMJ gets multiple cameos.”
Hollywood: “Fine, but we get to use the racing sausage with a shit-eating grin as comic relief.”
Brewers (counting money): “fine. whatever.”

In the movie, there’s an outfielder who leads the majors in home runs with 48. Holy hell I wish the real Brewers had someone like that. But as we all know, he’d be traded to the Yankees/Braves/Red Sox before the season was out.

I liked how they tried to capture Milwaukee, what with all the Channel 12 and WTMJ microphones at the press conferences. Indeed, to those who’ve never visited Milwaukee, it must consist entirely of snarky men in giant hot dog costumes, and idiotic fans. Speaking of the fans, we watched intently to see if we could spot Wirkus, Ewaz, Bellgirl, Brian, or Katie. Alas, not only did we not see them but the camera never even came close to being pointed at the section they were sitting in. Perhaps when the DVD comes out we’ll be able to frame-by-frame that shit and get a screen capture of Wirkus jerking off into Brian’s cupped palm.

Overall, I don’t think the time I spent in that theater was worth my money. If you really like the Brewers you may want to go see it, but you can get the sameeffect by just watching a Brewers game on Fox Sports Net.

The Verdict: 4.0/10.0

8 thoughts on “Mr. 3000

  1. Hi, I still lurk.
    That was an interesting game, when they were there filming crowds. There were a bunch of extras in the section next to us. They yelled at us because we were suckers who paid for tickets while they were getting paid to be there. I’m glad to hear that the movie was crappy, because now I can brag about how we didn’t prostitute ourselves out for it.
    More interesting than the crowd situation was, in fact, WWHZ jerking off into Brian’s cupped palm. That’s not something you see every day.

    By the by, congrats on the house–it looks beautiful!!!!

  2. Hi Zach, I don’t have your email address so i thought I would talk to you this way. I’m about to start one of my classes at 4 so I thought I would kill a little time. The new house is great, I can’t sleep at night though without the motorcycles and the other noise not going by my window at night, it’s too quiet. My classes are going good, I don’t know if mom told you but I’m going to Gateway now, for nursing. AGAIN! I really like my classes so far, so thats always a plus. I don’t hear from Aaron a lot since he moved out, but we see him every once and awhile. I think that is it, oh, and I’m really excited about coming out to see you guys in the spring with mom, it will be fun. I’m disappointed you won’t be hom for my golden 21st birthday, but it’s worth it since you guys are buying that house. I hope everything is well with you, and tell Erin I said Hi. I miss you both. Love ya! Ash

  3. Ashley, click on my name to get my new email address. Hope your nursing classes go well at Gateway! Are you going to be working with Molly?

  4. hi ashley, i am glad you are back to nurisng, I think it is a great profession to go into. Tough, but worth it. heart, bellgirl

  5. all of my nursing classes are going great, i’m excited about them. zach i’m going to set up a new email and I will send you the address

  6. I’m extremely surprised that Wirkuswhazz never weighed in ont his topic. Where are youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu?

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