Next Time on Dorm Justice

Apparently some masked perpetrators have been pulling the Witte Hall fire alarms late at night, forcing grumbling students out into the cold. The university is investigating, but that’s not good enough for tired students… they want Dorm Justice:

Aside from official punishments, Beckner and other students reported that some students are actively investigating the false alarms and trying to catch whoever is responsible and punish them. This vigilante justice is not endorsed by school officials but stems from dorm resident’s anger with false alarms.


The popular student connection website has three groups dedicated to decrying false alarms in Witte. The most popularĀ­-“I Hate the Witte Fire Alarms and the Bastards who Pull Them!”-has 168 members.

Tampering with fire alarms is against both university and state statues and police investigate false alarms, according to Lieutenant Eric Holen of the UW-Madison Police Department. He added that if students have information about false alarms they are often willing to share with the police.

Meanwhile, students are in hot pursuit of the culprits.

“All I know is that there are people plotting against whoever did it,” Beckner said.

High. Fucking. Larious. Inspector Bluto is on the case! …well, in between heading over to Laura’s room to see what she and her friends have planned tonight, and going over to Memorial Union to play some pool, and studying for that Chem 103 quiz on Friday. But they’re TOTALLY gonna figure out and “punish” whatever diabolical genius is pulling the fire alarms and then running away.


5 thoughts on “Next Time on Dorm Justice

  1. 1. I’m guessing that the alarm puller is either scubby or caveman kurt.

    2. Did you see last week’s Onion article about the girlfriend who grew tired of her spontaneous boyfriend? It was so ewhazz, I wet myself.

    3. Cal, on your advice I got a handsfree kit for my cellie, and I love it! Now my ear doesn’t get all hot when I talk and I look like an Old Navy worker. Also, have you read Coover’s Universal Baseball Association? An A+ read, pal. Check it out.

    4. Me and Jess have become a regular old family: we share a cellie plan and car payments. Also, she passed her boards, so she’s a real, live, bombass paycheck-making nurse.

    5. I’m coming out to cali on April 8th. Will I get to see Scott “Drop it like it’s cold” 4nygina?

  2. 1. The alarm puller was the ghost of Dan Neviaser.
    2. Jessie certainly does have a “bomb ass”. Oops, was that inappropriate?
    3. My $200 buy-in on PR is up to $560 right now. Played a little bit with Vagina12 last night and had a good ol’ time.
    4. Man, even Corporate Zach had to give up hands-free. I felt too much like a douche.
    5. I just asked the CEO a question about Intuit brand awareness over IPTV and my concerns were dismissed.

  3. what did you get for your cello? and how do you play your cello “handsfree?” i wish you played the cello wirkus, then you could learn “drop it like it’s hot” on your cello. soulful. remember when eroz tried to romance the player of the cello? the cellist? cello pudding pops? mmmmm cello pudding pops! short is the season of man’s delight: i don’t even know if they even make jello pudding pops anymore! would i even like them? would they be too sweet for my springer aged palate? the world may never know, because they don’t seem to be around. the delicious jello pudding pop is gone from the face of the earth.

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