The United States is facing a terrifying shortage of trained Roman Catholic exorcists! Holy Crap! But before you go rushing off to the Regina Apostolorum Pontifical Athenaeum to get assigned your bottle of holy water, Simon Belmont-esque whip, and Holy Avenger +5 sword, know that this. Is. No. Joke.
I’ve always thought that there was a class of religious nuts (let’s call them wingnuts for sake of argument) that believe Satan is alive in the world and causing trouble, whether that trouble is drinking aborted-fetus blood or sticking a potato in your tailpipe. Now I know that the people those wingnuts go to for religious counsel are not responding by sarcastically picking up the rectory phone and saying, “Oooooh, shall I call the Ghostbusters to help you with your hellhound problems?” Instead, they respond by saying, “Dear Father, give me strength in these troubled times,” then they run out the door with a Bible and some holy water to actually try to rid someone’s body of demonic possesion.
And if the succeed? It’s Lumberjack Slam time at Denny’s and a pat on the back. “Thank you Father! My daughter was speakin in tongues! Now she’s cured!” “All in an exorcist’s day’s work, my son.”
Our civilization is boned.