The Greatest American Hero

Believe it or not, I’m walkin on air,
I never thought I could feel so free-ee-ee.
Flyin away, on a wing and a prayer,
who could it beeeee? It’s just meeeeeee!

Yes, for whatever reason a DVD Decider somewhere decided to put out Season One of The Greatest American Hero on DVD. Erin bought it today and we watched the first episode of Season One (“The Pilot”)… all 1 hour and 30 minutes of it. Jesus, these fuckers needed a Wrap-It-Up box in the 80’s to get to the fucking point.

Again, for whatever reason, I have decided to recap how Ralph Hinkley became The Greatest American Hero. First he drives out into the desert with a bus fulf of special-ed students. Then he gets hit by a drunk FBI agent. While they share a special moment yelling at each other over who was at fault for the DUI-influenced attempted vehicular homicide, a space ship shows up and the FBI agent’s dead partner hand-delivers a special suit that only Ralph can wear in order to “save the world.” Then he leaves and the FBI agent says, “So, with that suit we can… remove all hair from the planet?” “No man,” says Hinkley, “he said ‘Save the world,’ not ‘Shave the world.'” I stole that joke from the Aqua Teens.

For some additional reason, Hinkley’s special ed kids consist not of retards, but of ‘troubled kids’ who like to bust heads and make sarcastic comments to punk’d special teachers. Hinkley boxes the leader of the punks, but goes down in the second when he gets punched in the balls. I wasn’t aware that high schools had boxing class, let alone that punching cocks was legal.

Hinkley and the FBI agent team up to take down what is apparently the Christian Coalition. There was something about using skin-heads to start riots, then luring the President of the United States’ helicopter above an armed compound and shooting it down. I wasn’t paying attention because it took them 90 motherfucking minutes to get to THE FUCKING POINT, which in the end involved Our Hero flying up to the helicopter and saying, “Get outta here, dummy!” to the Presidential Helicopter Pilot. A man flying around in red long underwear calling him names is enough of an impetus for the pilot to move along.

Hinkley and his friend, the FBI guy, then formalize… wait… the following words just came out of Ralph Hinkley’s mouth: “I can’t just wham bam past the jam.” Is that Eighties lingo? I never heard of that. Is it White Superhero Jive?

Holy shit this show is not funny to the max.

The Verdict: 3.0/10.0 (only because of the theme song)

postscript note– In researching my comment about awesomenicity, I stumbled back across this post. It’s funny that, reading this description, it sounds like The Greatest American Hero is the funniest show ever. In reality, it just sounds that way… unless you’re extremely high I’d imagine.

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