Upcoming Guest Stints

A busy few weeks are upcoming out here in California; my mom and sister are going to be visiting Friday through next Thursday and then the next week Wirksu is coming out for his annual Cal Visit. During that time is Brewers Opening Day. A Good Time Will Be Had By All.

Wirksu told me a hilarious tale last night about a guy stuffing butter in his mouth, then running to sell it. I thought I would choke. I tried to find the relevant story online but couldn’t. The closest I got to what you described was Valery Ronshin’s Living A Life: Totally Absurd Tales. Regretably, the butter story was not in the excerpt.

Mike and I also argued about the nature of a triathalon last evening and came to the conclusion that Cal is a weiner with his pussy marathon running. You wanna be a man, Cal? Grab a bike and ride 111 miles after finishing your little marathon. Also, swim 3.85 miles. Just kidding, buddy, I’ll never come close to running a marathon unless the ice cream truck drives 26 miles without hearing me yelling for him to stop.

peterstiffly: I have a tornoado-related hotel story as well. The time that Madison got 2 inches of rain in 20 minutes was the day I was working with Jason Tangman at Hojo. It was when there was a giant, comma-shaped storm system that dropped a bunch of tornados on The Dells. As the storm approached from the west, Tangman and I went up onto the Hojo roof to watch. (ps– that was when we still had the roof key, JESSIE.) It seriously looked like the apocalypse was descending on us, and we suggested to the front desk that maybe they should announce that all guests should come down to the lobby from their rooms. So we had a nice little get together in University A (& B!) with all the guests. In the middle of the torrential storm, some kind old black ladies at Monona Terrace called for a pick-up. They were there with the Baptist Church group. I went out into the rain to get them and was driving back up Broom St. when, in front of Cap Center Foods, I hit a gigantic lake of standing water going about 35 mph. “Holy shit!” I yelled as we decelerated and kind of spun out of control. The ladies did not appreciate my blasphemy, but they understood due to the apocalyptic nature of the storm and the fact that we did almost, in fact, fucking die.

I’ve decided that if I ever get laid off from my job or the whole nation decends into economic chaos, I will write a book about my time in Corporate America. It will be a best-seller, and when I go on Hannity & Colmes to plug it I’m gonna choke the shit out of Hannity.


10 thoughts on “Upcoming Guest Stints

  1. I think in an official ironman triathlon it goes swim, bike, and run. Those dudes stay at the Concourse when Madison has the Ironman and they eat like 20,000 calories a day just to stay alive.

  2. 1. all the guests in univ a and b! cool.
    2. cap center foods! cool.
    3. Jessie blowing The Sacred Key tradition. not cool!
    4. i have no good tornado story and no good earthquke story but i do have an earthquake story that is ok. it was early evening and i had just returned from some ironman training just kidding, just some normal non-ironman running. anyway i was standing there boiling some water for my ironman pasta diet just kidding, normal spegetti, and suddenly it was like i was standing on some floor that is not normal floor but an ironman movin and groovin floor. i remember looking up and seeing the wall moving sort of like a jello house. it was really weird. your house should not move like a jello house! but it was all over really quickly and it turned out it was a reallly small earthquake.
    5. i hope this does not kill the fun disaster tales tone of this post but one of my favorite things is “Cheap Eats” in the SF Guardian. this week’s is a good one so
    6. here it is:
    Roger that

    I’M EATING A bowl of leftover homemade barbecued chicken soup. But when I eat it, I’m still Mr. Rogers.

    I warmed up the soup in my popcorn kettle, which I hadn’t washed out after having popcorn for breakfast. So the soup tastes a little popcorny. In addition to smoky, of course. But when it tastes like that, I’m still Mr. Rogers. –For dinner: eggs. With either potatoes and biscuits, or hard-boiled and cut up into a big green salad, with biscuits. Either way when I’m having dinner, I predict, I will still be Mr. Rogers.

    First I thought it would only work with egg rolls, because that’s what Mr. Rogers was eating when he said, famously (didn’t you read last week’s Cheap Eats?) … “I’m eating a Chinese egg roll. But when I eat it, I’m still Mr. Rogers.”

    And I said, famously, when I felt the full reverberation of this philosophical Fred Rogers moment (as recounted to me by Earl Butter), “This changes everything.” And I meant it.

    And it has.

    As you may know, I have a habit of getting carried away. I’m one of those fools who actually believes that if he persists in his folly, he shall become wise. Give you an example: right now I am writing this restaurant review. But when I write it, I’m still Mr. Rogers. Just like when I was eating that soup a little bit ago. Remember? That tasted like it tasted?

    In short, I have become, through patient persistence, if not wise, then at least Mr. Rogers. At first, for a couple of days, I thought that I could only sustain this existentialist flea-flicker foolishness by eating egg rolls. So I was spending a lot of time in Chinese restaurants.

    And that’s how I found Red Jade. Not that it’s trying to hide or anything. It’s right there at Church and Market, next to my still favorite sushi place, Miyabi. Me and my old pal Gator Gator were on our merry way from make-up school back to the Mission, with only so much time to spare because a 6:00 sound check in the Richmond loomed in my future.

    We didn’t know what or where we wanted to eat anyway, so we did one of those deals where you beeline from point A through Japantown, Western Addition, the Haight, the Castro, and the Mission to point B, looking for one thing: a parking space, any parking space. And then the closest feed store to that, which all added up to Red Jade.

    Mandarin-style Chinese. Nice, nice place, with a cute little orange tree, tangerine tree, mandarin tree (you gotta figure) in the entranceway. Just loaded with fruit. I wanted to pick one so bad, but this was before the revelation. (That, in picking the forbidden fruit, as in eating an egg roll, I would be able to maintain my Mr. Rogershood.)

    Well, sir, having just been to make-up school, like I said, I was looking about as pretty as I’ve ever looked, probably. Certainly as pretty as Mr. Rogers ever looked. Probably. Except we forgot to order the egg rolls. I panicked and said celery salad instead. Gator Gator said General Tso’s chicken. I said asparagus salmon with black bean sauce.

    The waitressperson said, “Thank you” and left us there, and I was not Mr. Rogers.

    I want to say, though, in defense of Red Jade’s greatness, that it was 4:30 on a Sunday, and they let us order from the lunch specials menu. Which has 33 items, all served with a pretty big bowl of soup and a pretty big heap of rice, for $4.50 to $5.95.

    The asparagus salmon with black bean sauce ($5.25) was delicious, and the General Tso’s chicken ($4.50) was delicious. Even the celery salad ($4.25), which wasn’t egg rolls so much as shredded celery and carrots with big fat bright pinkish orange tongues of pickled ginger … delicious.

    But the best part was finding out, to my unending amazement and delight, that when I eat any one of these things, or anything else (mango ostrich, $9.95 … hometown chicken, $9.95 …), or, hell, even when I’m eating nothing at all, I am still Mr. Rogers. All it takes is saying so. Try it at home. It’s great fun, and not at all dangerous.

    I am reading Cheap Eats in the Bay Guardian. (Say it.) But when I read it, I am still Mr. Rogers.

  3. nobody liked the article? i guess it’s way out of context… i’ll just throw down the link next time… didn’t you think it was funny that mr. rogers said he was still mr. rogers even when he ate an egg roll? boy i did! how are you guys? i’m well. what should we do when wirkus comes out to visit? goldne gate bridge? want to go back to the budda bar? wirkus are you bringing along a bride-to-be or an a.d.d. and curly-haired pal? or dog? funny how i’ve never actually seen the dog. it’s not like the dog and i are actually the same person (or dog) or anything. it’s just that we live on opposite sides of the country so we’ve never had the chance to meet. not like i need to establish an elaborate system of deception just so the world will never find out the truth that i am a pug dog and i can type.

  4. I have to admit Cal, I couldn’t get all the way through. I will leave it for myself as an exercise next time I’m bored. Also, never again will I enter the Buddha Bar; that place is fucking dumb. Let’s find a bar that doesn’t depress all who pass its threshold.

  5. that was just timing we had – that whole night was a bust… budda bar can be great- wirksu back me up. but we don’t have to go there- i got some new good places. moneypenny explain the butter mouth person? i don’t get it.

  6. wirksu can do a much better job vis-á-vis “the butter mouth person.” it was funny, however. we got to talking about it because i’m reading The Best of Roald Dahl right now, which is just a bunch of fucking ridiculous short stories. there’s one about a vegetarian that you would love…

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