Back to the Past

The comments in the On This Day… linked entry (Mounatin Charlies=Insane) are a real hoot to read through. It’s really a summary of the rollicking good days of whazzmaster past.

(Moved the quotes behind the jump; click through to view.)

You’ve got you’re Beat The Streak boasts and threats…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by zachery
I’m halfway to Wirkus’ record 8-in-a-row. Lookout, old man, look in my face and see your destiny.

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by zachery
Speaking of Ha, remember when I said “HaHaHa!” because Soriano just got a hit? I remember like it was yesterday, Wirkus. I’m gonna punch you in the balls next time I see you, old man. Better jack off into a cup so you and bellgirl can have babies sometime in the future.

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by zachery
Ordonez has two hits today. That makes six in a row you homos. Cal, you’re dead. Wirkus, give up.

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by cal
i emailed greg and told him to pick some guys in advance since he’s off to MN for a week and he wrote this: “yeah they only let you pick 7 days ahead… but i should have access to a computer… fuckin moneypenny at 8” everybody hates you moneypenny.

…you’re Frenchy yelling at Scientist…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by Frenchy
GENERAL WARNING TO ALL WHAZZERS: Don’t let the Scientist run free w/out somebody havin an eye on him. If he thinks you’re home, but you’re not, he’ll beat on the door until someone shows up. He will knock out the peep hole & piss on the doorway. When you do arrive & say what the fuck are you doin, he will look perplexed, deny it all & say it must have been some street kids. Even though he’ll still have his dick in his hand. Can’t wait to get a new complaint from my neighbors. Oh yeah…he also cheats at drinkin games.

…you’re Cal nonsense…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by cal
that is not all. i bought julianna hatfield a gin and tonic last night. but actually it’s not a very good story – she didn’t really care.

…you’re on-the-job bitching…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by wirkuswhazz
open letter to all wedding havers So you are having a wedding. It’s stressfull. Here is a tip: be fucking nice to the help. Goddamnit. Tip us. Say thank you. Don’t take out your anger on us. Not if you’re the bride, the groom or the mother of the bride. If the flowers are pink instead of white, fucking deal with it. It is not the end of the world. And another thing… if you are mean to us, keep this in mind: we help make your food. We know where your tooth brushes are. We know where you live 😉

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by wirkuswhazz
ok, the bitch that inspired my last post just got hers. The bride of the groom came in and chewed her out– it was like in Jurassic Park when the T-rex eats the raptor. Also, the t-rex got tears in her eyes because the room she was in did not have a table (keep in mind tables are movable). Rock Chalk, if the room you are in is missing a table, don’t freak out. I’m sure they can bring one in from somewhere else. Ok, off to MN. This is my kind of vacation. Our only plans? We have a hotel and tickets to Sunday’s game. The rest of the weekend is up in the air. Whazz on. Ps marksie, I’ll call you this week. Me and Bellgirl might be in for the 4th. Whazz on.

…you’re wrestling discussions…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by Grand Masta Caspa
in more important news, Moneypenny did you watch RAW last nite. Kane finally showed his face. I don’t know about anyone else (mainly Moneypenny) but I never thought this would happen.

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by Frenchy
He actually showed his face last week w/ a fukt up hair cut (half shaved)…obviously shaved it all this week. I didn’t think they’d show it so they could still make money off the mask.

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by zachery
1. Yeah, I saw him. Looked like he got hit by the Mary Kay Cosmetics Bus on his way to the arena. By GAWD! He walked through fire, brimstone, and eyeliner to get at the Undertaker!

…you’re random paratrooper entrance of an old friend…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by Sweet Mandy
Hey guys. I just wanted to let my presence be known on I wish I had something interesting to say about the Brewers or whazzing scores or something, but I don’t. Reading everyone’s posts is entertaining enough! So – big wedding coming up – I hope nobody had cold feet! Only kidding. Any plans for the fourth of July?

…you’re wedding talk…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by Rock Chalk
Ok Jenny, the hair appointments are made. There are 6 appointments with 2 people at Images on the corner of Spring St. & Newman. The times are 9:00, 9:30, and 10:00 with Sue Fortier and 9:30, 10:00, and 10:30 with Lance. I’m thinking my mom, sister, and I will take the ones with Sue, since mine is the one at 10:00, and it’ll take an hour, so you don’t have to be there until 9:30 or later. I’ll give you first crack at the Lance appts – which one do you want? Over and out.

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by Jen
Can I have the one at 10:30 a.m.? Should I call and “claim” my appointment?
This man better be gay, and you better realize how much I value your friendships to have someone named “Lance” do my hair. You all know how I feel about lances. They foul.

[July 1, 2003 04:57 PM] by Rock Chalk
Ok Jenny; I have you down for a 10:30 appointment on Saturday, July 12. Unfortunately, Lance is not gay. I am guessing pictures will start around 12:30 at the Lighthouse, but this will have to be later confirmed. Talk to you soon!!

…you’re random timmah-talk…

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by zachery
No one probably cares, but I just beat Zelda. I can’t help but feel… unsatisfied with the ending.

[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by timmah
So you’ve name it “Zelda” huh? I’ve named my Thor. And I’m usually really satisfied by the ending.


[October 9, 2003 10:06 AM] by Grand Masta Caspa
i think i’m going to buy a mask and wear it in the wedding and call myself Sugar

Wow, just a funny, funny selection of comments from back when we’d have more than 100 on a single thread. It makes it even funnier that the timestamps are messed up so that at times it looks like someone time-traveled to the past to post a response. It’s even funnier to think that someone would travel backwards through time with the singular purpose of calling someone or something gay on an internet message board, then hop back into their time machine and go Back to the Future.


43 thoughts on “Back to the Past

  1. It’s quiet times like these when I like to contemplate the fact that the entire current whazzmaster readership can be counted on two hands.

  2. Whaddaya think? Are you up for it? I myself have driven from my northwoods home to work for three hours a day in Milwaukee which is hotter than…

  3. The answer was “a sweating pigs armpit” but before I could post, I got this notice…

    In an effort to curb malicious comment posting by abusive users, I’ve enabled a feature that requires a weblog commenter to wait a short amount of time before being able to post again. Please try to post your comment again in a short while. Thanks for your patience.

    This might slow us down, folks.

  4. Ugh.
    Okay you lazy bastards…
    I mean it. It would be so nice to break 100.
    In Whazz-tradition a list format of prompts:
    1. What did you do over the weekend
    2. On a scale of 1-10 rate your job. One being crap-ola, 10 being orgasmically great
    3. Did you have braces on your teeth when you were a kid.
    4. What is your favorite animal
    5. What is your middle name
    6. What whazzer did you meet first, and how
    7. What is your favorite wine?
    8. Seen any movies lately?
    9. What is your stance on piercings and tattoos?? Love ’em or hate ’em.
    10. I heard some song by that band that sings if I had a million dollars and it was the song where they say “in the living room” which always made me thing about the bar in Madison which was probably one of my favorites to go to: what is your favorite Madison bar?
    11. College: Good investment, or how the fuck did I end up here?
    12. Best food court restaurant.
    13. What is your sign?

  5. 1. Found a place to live
    2. Current job – 1; New job (starting next week) – TBD
    3. Yes
    4. Used to be dog, now I am a cat person
    5. I don’t use my middle name. Ever.
    6. Moneypenny himself
    7. Red – Cabernet, White – Pinot Grigio
    8. Yes
    9. Former piercee, married to a tattooee – all for both
    10. Red Shed
    11. How the fuck did I end up here?
    12. Orange Julius
    13. Sagitarius, baby.

  6. Of course I’ll answer this:Cleaned house, did laundry, ran SDK tests at work, watched some enw DVDs I bought, slept, ate. summary: not fucking much.7.5No braces.Welsh corgi?JonathonHmm, well, I guess it would either be maddddddddddddd, CDL, or Alandovos, depending on who in my Cub Scout den I met first. I was better friends with Scientist before anyone else chronologically, then Alandovos, then CDL.Cabernet SauvignonBatman BeginsLove ’em on others, wouldn’t get one myself.The Living Room. 2nd place: Irish PubGood investment of time and money. changed my life.Sbarro, for it’s consistency. No matter where you are in the world, a Sbarro will be there and they will serve the exact same food in the exact same way.Libra? Fuck that cosmetology or cosmology or stupidology or whatever. SHIT DOESN’T HAPPEN TO YOU BASED ON WHAT FUCKING MONTH YOU WERE BORNED. “If you were born in Spetember, you will slip on a banana peel today… IF IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY TODAY: …you will land in dog shit.”Good idea, katiek. Everyone pile on.

  7. What the hell.

    1. Played a lot of Final Fantasy VI (its old school weekend!)
    2. 8 (except when I get sent to Albuquerque)
    3. Yep
    4. Dog easily, but not sure what kind
    5. Thomas
    6. UBS, the funny story behind that (according to my mom) is that I came home from school and told her “I made a new friend today”. I think that was kindergarden.
    7. Red – Chianti, White – ???
    8. Nope
    9. Not a fan
    10. Regent Street Retreat
    11. Undergrad – Good investment, Masters – time will tell, it probably depends on if I decide to jump ship when I’m done.
    12. Rubio’s, but only because I’m thinking of the one at a nearby mall
    13. Aquarius

  8. okay, I’ll go too!
    1. Moved into a house that I own!
    2. 8
    3. No braces.. that is why I have crooked teeth now.
    4. Aeden
    5. Simpson
    6. Wirkus at the Hojo when he was a bellman, but I think it was a couple months before we ever really even talked.
    7. Shiraz
    8. Batman which was good and Mr&MRs Smith which was so-so
    9. Always wanted one, but too chicken to deal with the pain or permanence of it
    10. Tornado room, Living room
    11. College remains to be seen… I would say probably a good investment, though.
    12. It makes me happy when there is a DQ in the mall… however rare that may be.
    13. Saggitarius

  9. Ah, Rubio’s: I thought of writing that one, but it hasn’t been consistently good to me. GMC loves that place. I hear sometimes he takes Frenchy there on dates.

  10. as a follow up question:

    What do you think is the dumbest Madison bar?
    Not counting all the meat-marketey type frat bars, I vote Jenna’s the dumbest bar. I don’t know why I disliked it so much, I just did…

  11. Was that really a Frenchy sighting, by the way? Frenchy, is your house on fire? I heard there were fires north of Phoenix.

  12. 2 more recos:
    stella on comedy central: i loved it, but i love michael ian black… you probably have to really ‘get’ him to even remotely like this show.

    outdoor outtakes on OLN…. holy christ, this is a gem. imagine OLD SCHOOL BOB SAGGET americas funniest home videos meets MXC meets ESPN XGAMES minus “X” attitude, and then if that combination smoked weed. the comedy is cheesy as hell like old bob, but it’s smart for today.

  13. 1. For some reason, my least favorite bar is Madison’s.

    2. Alandovos – I stand corrected.

  14. Scientist: I was going to do a write-up on Stella last night. Erin and I both thought it was ultra-strange, but I did laugh a few times. The dance for the co-op was funny. Also: “He’s gonna pull through… he’s dead.”

  15. 1. Ran the valet game at Hotel Metro. Sunday night went to Green Bay for some R & R at Oneida Bingo and Casino.
    2. My job as a valet is a 7. I don’t cream my jeans over it, but the money is good, and it affords me the time to write in the morning and play poker at night.
    3. Braces? Yes. Also a retainer.
    4. Animal? Turtles
    5. Middle name? John
    6. First whazzer? O’Neil AKA Lawman the Brave.
    7. Beaujolais: the High Life of wines.
    8. Last movie? Bridget Jones 2: The Edge of Reason. Jessi picks dumb shit.
    9. Even though I had my tongue when I was a kid, I am not a fan. I guess I like my Brewer’s tattoo ok.
    10. Hmmmm. Fav Madison Bar? I guess the Living Room, but since it’s gone, I’ll go Silver Dollar or The Pub or as Springer Calls it “The Gentleman’s Playground.”
    11. College? Well worth it for I met lots of pals and had plenty of time to sit and think about the world.
    12. Not really a food court fan. I guess Taco Bell even though it’s never as good as a real Taco Bell.

  16. Hey moneypenny: want to form our Dinger League team into one super team? It’s our only hope if we want to win that thing. Otherwise, I’ll give you 2 bucks cash and Russle Branyon for Pujos. Interested?

  17. Super-team has met with approval from the Board. I am directing my lawyers to contact your lawyers to initiate trades in advantageous positions. Time’s up Cal, we’re gonna mow you down.

  18. Scientist: If you’ve never seen or heard of it, download episodes of The State (old show on MTV). It’s the original show with the guys from Stella/Wet Hot and it has some of the funniest shit ever. I don’t think it exists on DVD, but you should be able to find it on BitTorrent/eMule.

  19. Ok, I have two trades for you. Go check them out. I think we should make Team Cockpunch the superteam ™ because I have a few more dingers than you. Also, we are both solid at catcher: maybe we should try to trade one for a better outfielder. Do you see anyother improvements we can make with our current two teams? Right now we are a solid 40 homers back, but the addition of Pujos alone should give us at least 15 more during the second half of the season.

  20. I’ll consult the Oracle and give you a call later. We’re not gonna get caught with our pants down! Cliche, cliche, other cliche! Cal, it’s over, go buy that Kurupt single and memorize the lyrics. I deal HR’s like an HTML Guru/I stand tall like Yogi, and you’re my BooBoo.

  21. The State was incredibly funny – Moneypenny…did you ever get the VHS tape of The State back from Phil Jochem(sp?)? That is classic shit. Too bad it is out of print. Interested parties can find more info about these guys here.

  22. Never got the video back. I think katiek thought I was insane for associating with that guy, but he’s the only one who would talk to me when I first started at Hojo– er, DoubleTree. I got a DDD waiting at the DoubleTree for me.

  23. i saw all the episodes of the state, indeed, it was funny stuff. i watch ed on tbs every day mainly just because of mr ian black.

    right when that first dude said he is going to pull through and michael wasn’t in the room, i said to racho “and now michael comes out to say he’s dead”… and he did, with that shit eater grin. that’s why i like him, it’s predictable, smart comedy. organized chaos of the haha’s if you will.

    honestly though, i liked outdoor outtakes more, see if you get it.

  24. Which Phil was that???? I didn’t like phil v., but I loved that little stoner phil–is that the one???

  25. No, it wasn’t either. It was the blond haird front desk worker. I don’t know if he was Phil. Maybe Steve Yochum? Maybe that was it?

  26. just saw another episode of outdoor outtakes and it was better than the first. maintained full on laughter.

  27. I think it was steve…. he had a tongue ring shaped like a hershey’s kiss. he come in to the hojo looking skinny and over the course of the 5 months that he worked there got really chubby. he wasn’t a bad guy.

  28. When I first started at Hojo I thought Phil Dashlett and Mike Wirkus were the same person, due mainly to the fact that they (along with Nate Gehring) were the only ones to work Saturday 5am shifts.

  29. Moneypenny,
    The Pujos thing worked, but now our teams are on lockdown which means we can’t make any moves unless grand wizard of the KKdinger league Cal lets us.

  30. Jeeze.

    1. Went swimming. Went on a mini road trip. Saw a band. Had fun.
    2. 5. Fairly stable and the pay is ok, but the boss makes it bad.
    3. Yes. I don’t recall them being the hellish experience some think they are, though.
    4. Dogs
    5. Thaddeus
    6. Alandovos. He was with his mom and sister at Stuart MacBride Park (right by the mall) playing one day. I have no clue how long ago that was, but it was probably in elementary school some time. Of course, that was probably the last time until Gar-bar’s freshman history class.
    7. Don’t care for wine that much. Or rather I don’t care enough to have a favorite.
    8. Mr. & Mrs. Smith
    9. I don’t want either on my body, if that’s what you’re asking.
    10. Probably The City.
    11. Good investment. Great even.
    12. Food court?
    13. Aquarius the last I checked.

  31. I agree. We’re in 10th and 12th place out of 14. The only people we are beating are Mudbutt and Cal’s freaking mom. I come up with a great plan: form a super team. Cal cxls our trades and free agent moves. There is no rule that says “no superteams”. I’ll think of something new.

  32. I say we make our own league. The only rule is: Cal doesn’t get a team of major league players. He gets the local T-Ball team.

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