I Was Wrong, Kill Me Now

When I left the house to go to the gym the thermometer was mocking me. It read 96° in a way that made me want to rip it out of car and throw it out the window to lie in the gutter next to a shopping cart and a condom wrapper. It’s hot, holy shit IT’S HOT.

RAJ OUT.

48 thoughts on “I Was Wrong, Kill Me Now

  1. Holy shit! I’m going to the brewers/cards game in St. Louis on Tuesday and it’s Whitey Herzog bobble head day. Hot diggity dog.

  2. i fucking hate retards. what ever happened to evolution? why the fuck are we coddling these fucking ree-rees? so i’m at valley fair on friday… MN’s answer to great america, and we get off the circle raft ride and notice that there is a roller coaster entrance right away, nice. i glance over and see the fucking retard and her 3 “normal” friends in front of us pass by the entrance to the ride and i quietly think to myself, “fucking retard”. so we walk through the gates and there is just enough people in line to fill up the train on it’s next pass. very nice. so we wait 30 seconds, the ride is over and the people in front of us load up. we’re next. a minute later the train is back and it’s our turn. BUT FUCKING WAIT. here comes the tardo and her entourage, instead of walking up the normal entrance WHICH HAD NO GATES, OR STEPS OR CORNERS, NOT THAT THAT WOULD EVEN MATTER BECAUSE RETARDS CAN FUCKING WALK JUST LIKE THE REST OF US, oh fucking no, they took their state mandated “rights” and walked up the exit path and demanded immediate service, IN THE CAR WE WERE FUCKING WAITING FOR. “god damn it retard”. the ride operator comes over and is like “um, you guys have to wait one more time, uh, these people want to go”. whatever, i let it pass. i decide to figure out a way to kill all retards on earth while they are riding IN OUR FUCKING CAR, ON OUR FUCKING TURN. i calm down and they get back and i just stare at them with the look of “while you were riding i developed a plan to kill all of you and i would like you to know that”. and then the unthinkable. they refuse to get out and demand to ride again and the fucking dude lets them and comes over and says to us “they want to go again”. THERE IS NO FUCKING LINE ON THIS RIDE, WE’RE ALL QUEUED UP NEXT AND FUCKING RETARDS SWOOP IN AND RUIN LIFE. PLEASE, EVERYONE, HELP ME KILL ALL THE FUCKING RETARDS. FOR THE GOOD OF OUR RACE. PLEASE. I HAVE GUNS. WE CAN DO THIS.

  3. Any of you guys have a phone number or current e-mail address for Aaron O’Neil? — Ben Spillman, Palm Desert, Calif.

  4. Funny. Just trying to track down AO, gonna be in the neighborhood next month. Love the site, seems to get lotsa traffic. Good to see you guys having so much fun. BTW, you think its hot? It’s 120+ here today.

  5. that shit is funny, “you still into big tits?”… i wish i had a friend that loved something nasty like eating poop or something… then everytime we caught up i could be like “You still into eating poop?”. that shit would be funny.

  6. Cal is good at this:
    1. making mix tapes (cds).
    2. getting drunk on Sunday nights.
    3. overtipping.

  7. Dude, you are good at 3, easy.

    1. Numbers. Motherfucker knows his numbers.
    2. Pizza making.
    3. Debt aviodence.

  8. economic systems is about it. numbers and debt avoidence fall in there with poker. pizzas are par, and my schlong is only 9 inches. i’m a 1 trick donkey.

  9. speaking of economic system and my linear decay theory, i made the connection of the sun and our ecosystem to back it up. every “living” system must have a SINGULAR terminal decay function driving it’s existance.

  10. 1. Motherfucker doesn’t know shit about pizza making. He does know a lot about pizza eating, though.
    2. Cal also knows How To Be Beligerant. Step One: Hug someone violently. Step Two: Tell that person you will kill them. Step Three: move onto the next person.
    3. Step back a minute: I will attest that Scientist knows his motherfucking numbers. That kid can add in his head. Also, divide. Not sure about subtracting, but I’ll assume he’s competant.
    4. Wirksu’s Three:
    1.) Planning: The motherfucker can plan like there’s no tomorrow.
    2.) Advising Calm: He has talked me off many ledges in the just the 6 years I’ve known him.
    3.) Gambling Minutae: He can’t necessarily calculate odds as fast as Sceizzer, but he studies a tremendous amount in order to walk by a Let It Ride table and call the players retards.

  11. By the way: Haven’t seen O’Neil on here in awhile. Does he still read Whazzmaster, but on the down low?

  12. i agree… i just put sauce and cheese on dough. it isn’t ROCKET SCIENCE$!#%!#@%!^ AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

  13. Then maybe your parents are the pizza makers and you rode their coattails. Last time I was at your house in Racine, you made a very good pizza.

  14. ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd d dd d ddd ddddddddddddddddddd dd dddddddddddddd d d dddddddddd

  15. Dang indeed, it is a very large bra! look it’s the lawman here to bring order to this town! LAWMAN! so

    Moneypenny 3:

    1)driving
    2)basketball (grace)
    3)song lyric knowing

    Katie:
    1)phone solicitation beat-downs

    it’s true i overtip, must be sign of insecurity? side affect of eating owl? who who who?

  16. Dang indeed, it is a very large bra!
    look it’s the lawman here to bring order to this town! LAWMAN!
    So Moneypenny 3:
    1)driving
    2)basketball (grace)
    )song lyric knowing
    Katie:
    1)phone solicitation beat-downs
    it’s true i overtip, must be sign of insecurity? side affect of eating owl? who who who?

  17. I liked the first one better. I liked the idea that one of my strengths was “Song lyric knowing Katie” like I know all the lyrics, but only to songs featuring the name Katie in the title.

  18. very weird rant about the mentally disabled. Large Professor, Overweight Lover, you are so crazy? Honestly, you are at valley fair, first of all. Hosting no children, for yourself, you have taken the day and have decided that the way to spend this day is to titillate your senses flipping upsideside- a pleasure usually reserved for those mentally and physically immature: children, that is, then you complain that some poor kid wants to do what you are doing. And further, this particular child has a disability. she and all this makes you angry? why you are angry that you are ridiculous?

  19. I think he meant ree-ree as a slur on her character, not her actual level of mental acuity. Also, the phrase “______’s literary proclivities run to the prosaic” is one that an asshole would use. Which asshole? Me, I’m horrified to say, though I said it as a joke. I’m not an asshole, am I whazzmaster.com?

  20. oh, i missed that entirely, sorry i am dumb. how can i get through my head the meaing of prosaic? i always have to look it up. maybe i’ll just remember this: “blank’s literary procliities run to the prosaic- which means dull, everyday, ordinary”

  21. Cal, you need to go back to elementary school and do your DOU’s. Daily Oral Usage. I know you get daily oral usage as it is, but you seriously need to learn how to spell. Take some pride in your work, man!

  22. you are right. it is a sad state of affairs. my spelling is very bad. very bad. if i had a whitey herzog bobble head i think i would be able to face the difficult spelling with a greater sence of urgency. you hear that? A GREATER SENCE OF URGENCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO I’M NOT JOKING YOU!

  23. no… by ree ree i meant retarded. she was corky retarded. her 3 friends were normal and they were all over 18. also, valleyfair has a water park too and i spent most of my entertainment dollar staring at large semi-exposed breasts.

  24. And A Fortiori Fat Scientist! wirkus you served your time stuck in that genii bottle i hope you learned something in there- you’re free to add/drop all you like… good luck

  25. Oh man, was she really retarded? (Was it really gravy?) How you gonna hate on a retarded girl, Scientist? Man, you cold as ice.

    Cal: I renounce your Fantasy Baseball League. I’m going to form an alliance with Mudbutt and try to take last place. 1st addition to my team: Ben Sheets as my util man.

  26. ba ba ba ben sheets?!?!?!??! you cant- I won’t- I won’t stand for this! money in the middle -where’s she at? in the middle! monie in the middle – where that at? in the middle! go mo mo mo -monie in the middle. yo i get your point but I’m not rolling with the punch, i scrunched up the letter you wrote me in lunch. in 5th period i paid no notice to your motion- my work is on the table, my pen a locomotion. that’s for you madd: scrunched up your letter on the reals.

  27. LOOK. YOU ALL TALK ABOUT THIS INTELLIGENT CITY DESIGN AND SUCH. YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT LAWS THAT DON’T WORK. THEN YOU SAY I’M A BAD PERSON WHEN I POINT OUT THE FLAWS. fucking pussys, keep living in your shitty world. now i will explain. we live in a society which has decided to coddle it’s cripples. somehow “freedom”, and “right to do anything” got confused somewhere. they aren’t the same. the truth is some people are stuck in wheelchairs… and their tax dollars go to build public spaces that they should definately be given full access to. that’s great. now a private corporate comes along and builds a “public” space like an amusement park. if they were not accessible to people in wheelchairs, the cripple lobby would revolt and it would look bad to our country of pussies. so they adopt the public building code and make the exit paths to their rides have no stairs or narrow walkways. GREAT. now you have a problem though, if there is a long line and the cripple comes up the exit path, how long should he wait to ride? you can’t put a marker in the line and have them queue up, because they’ll block the exit path eventually. it is a bad idea in the first place to let them come UP the exit path, but its the only way you can cram all the non cripples in a winding line while they wait and not waste valuable real estate. so we made our compromise, and let them up the exit… we can’t make them wait, so we have to let them on right away and hope that the person who should have gone next isn’t mad. THAT IS THE BEST SOLUTION TO THE CRIPPLE PROBLEM. and it’s fine… i remember waiting like 2 hours for batman when it first came out and when we were next, so lady in a wheelchair rolled up and they helped her into the ride and we had to wait again… was like like “fucking cripple”? NO. i understood WHY i had to wait there and it was the only thing they could do, i HAVE to respect that. sure one may ask, “why is a cripple even GOING to an amusement park”? well, because society has elected not to torch them… thats fine. welcome to vallyfair. BUT NOW IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM, because you can’t just say “anyone in a wheelchair” for this rule, because then people would just all ride in wheelchairs… you need a governing body to decide WHO is handicapped. let the doctors do it. great. but now we don’t differentiate between the DIFFERENT TYPES of handicapped people, and all the laws are generalized to “anyone who is handicapped in any way”. so now this rule at the park meant for people who could not NAVIGATE THE NORMAL LINE is being exploit by people who simply have been marked as HANDICAPPED by a doctor. now the rule doesn’t make any sense at all… similar to handicapped parking spaces, where pretty much anyone can get one. 90% of the people exploiting the “rights” given to them aren’t the ones the “rights” were indend for. YOU GOD DAMN REE REES NEED TO WAIT IN LINE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

  28. OH AND I SWEAR TO GOD YOU MONKEYS ASSES BETTER GET RIGHT THE FUCK UP WHEN YOUR RIDE IS OVER. “WE WANNA GO AGAIN”?!%!#%!%5555555 ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!!

  29. and letting the entire cripple entourage with sucks too. i see the reasoning… they came with friends and they should all experience the rides together. BS. ONE FRIEND PER CRIPPLE. MAKE A NEW RULE. IF YOU DONT, THEN PEOPLE LIKE ME WILL SEE YOUR FUCKING MORONIC LOOP HOLES AND MAKE FRIENDS WITH A CRIPPLE CREW RIGHT WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE MAIN GATES. LAWS WITH LOOPHOLES CAN’T WORK, AND CURRENT LAWMAKERS ARE TOO STUPID TO THINK THINGS THROUGH. I HATE YOU ALL.

  30. i just got your “next time bring cal with you joke” you are a jerk! he should bring you with him! jerk.

  31. HOLY CHRIST, ONCE AGAIN BEST NEW INFOMERCIAL. some natural cures book… this dude comes on hammering drug companies and then drops this, “i got a call from a whistle blower in the drug industry, he said they developed cures for arthritis and CANCER 3 years ago” wow. nice claim. then he said that the “cancer machine” cures all cancer in 90 minutes by “dialing into it’s frequency”. if that wasn’t enough, without missing a beat he says “there is a cure for herpes”. “well unless you get reinfected, wink wink”. what the fuck?! somehow this is legal?

  32. I was working in the library yesterday and one of the librarians gave me three brewer bobbleheads:
    1. Scott Podsednik
    2. Paul Molitor
    3. Rollie Fingers
    woo hoo

Comments are closed.